There are absolutely no words, only music. For some reason it reminds me of saying good bye to Jake in front of my house 2 years ago, the night before i left New Mexico. I sat there and cried in my driveway for 10 minutes before he even pulled up. He got out of the car, and didn't have to say a single word, i just hugged him as tight as i could. He means so much to me, and not just because of the "scandal" that went on between us that summer.
I have extremely short boiling points, that last for only a second. I will have a sudden feeling of missing new mexico, my face will turn red, and then it goes away. Its almost like when you clench your fist for a second and then let go, except i do it with my feelings. Just now i had the sudden urge to call you and tell you i love you and I always will. I never go through with these lighting bolts of urges, because i know they will retract, and almost always are completely ridiculous.
Last night was different though. I was lying in bed just listening to ( ) and i had this intense feeling of hope that maybe when I wake up the next morning, I will go back to sophomore year and start over again. Or even, the beginning of Summer 2006. I would've stopped myself from making the impulsive decision to move here, and I would've kept with the plan of staying there, finding a place with him and seeing what happens. Back then i wanted to challenge myself with something new, i wanted to prove to all the people who were against me that I could make something of myself. Well they were right, because i didn't. I haven't, and I won't. I want things to be simple and easy again.
I wish the last two years didn't happen, is what I'm getting at. I don't remember being sad, and having panic attacks, and crying all the time, 2 years ago. I don't remember being depressed then, and all the problems that I thought we're a big deal are nothing compared to the things i've put up with since i moved here.
something needs to change inside of me. here are some pictures from new mexico, they're mostly for me to look at. since almost none of you know what any of these things are.
my house. this was before jake took his pants off on the front door step, and my dad tried to fight him.
the front room where i'd wait for you to come pick me up.
our kitchen, otherwise known as the party mecca. we had a party every weekend with our neighbors, and anyone else who brought beer. i wish my parents let me drink with them back then, i would've been fucked up all the time.
the backyard, the fire pit, the jungle gym that got stolen. it almost matches like a panorama.
i don't have a picture of my room or the mural i painted on one wall, because i didn't want to remember it. but now, i do.
this is my sister when she was 2, and when we got along.
the first W44 show i went too, look at jake back there! he looks so different now. hahaha and the fist full of blood spray paint on his drum head! twyla and used that gold spray paint to write our names all over the seats infront of jake's shack that summer.
i used to be blond.
my puppy and i matched. jake was there when i got the call that my mom had given Duncan away.
someone used to love me, and i treated him horribly. its one thing i will never forgive myself for. i was happy then, but all i did was make him feel like shit. i know you will never talk to me again, but if you ever read this just know that i've never been so sorry in my entire life. i owe you a lot. you were the only person to realize who i turned into. i still wish you would've begged me to stay. 9.8.05-3.28.07
this is how i remember the grandma of my childhood. this is the only grandma i have, this is the only grandma i love. i wish i could spend all my days with her. i call her and cry sometimes, she is the only person who can truly make me feel better.
sweet nostalgia!
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