The End of the East Coast and I

I made the trip to my Uncle Shaun and Aunt Jessica's wedding this past weekend, all the way from Portland to Tahoe alone! It was a long and tiring trip, especially with no AC in my ill equipped car. It got into the 100's for a few hours and I felt like I was on the brink of death until I poured 3 gallons of water over my head. Besides the terrible heat, I got to see my family and some other family I haven't seen since I was in diapers. I made the trek back to Pacifica earlier today and upon entering the city limits I dropped my iPod into a cup of water. It will be a very long ride home.

Being back in California makes me want to be back in Portland, where it's never too hot and I can get a wholesome meal for under 5 dollars on every corner that I'm not afraid to eat. I used to love this busy life, but as I've grown over the past year I am yearning for a life more simple and less plastic. I've spent my entire life on this coast, and I think it's definitely time for me to step out of this box. I mean, just a few years ago I was burning boxed German chocolate cupcakes in my oven, and now I'm almost finished with culinary school. The next step is to completely remove myself from anything comfortable, and the only way I can do this is by packing up, sucking back tears, and moving to the east coast. I've dreamed of it for years and now I have an opportunity. I have been warned that it lacks glamour and grace, but I'm okay with that. If you know me well enough you know that "grace" would not be within the top 1,000 in the list of adjectives describing me.

I've gone on long enough about my eagerness to reinvent my life, so for everyone who ever doubted me, for every bad grade, for everytime I embarrassed myself, for every year that I have spent feeling insecure, and for every time I doubted myself, this is me telling you to suck it. I'm leaving it all behind in the Pacific Ocean where it belongs.

The Official Move

I am moving to New York on August 24th. Due to circumstances beyond my control Josh and I are being forced to leave a little earlier than planned. As much as I am excited to see new things I am sad to leave Portland. I won't miss all the hipsters and passive aggresive behavior, though. I am ready to finish school and start my career. The best thing about working in kitchens is that it's fun and you get to do what you love while building a career. I feel like I will be constantly learning for the rest of my life if I choose to do so. There are always new recipes to try and new things for you to invent.
I'm confident that things will work out for us, no matter how shitty things are right now. I'm surprised to hear myself say it but its true
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The Messy Room

Its impossible to keep our room clean.
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The Sweat Leaf

Most of the time I am completely ashamed of a certain part of me. Not physically, but mentally. The only thing on earth that keeps me from having panic attacks and lets me sleep at night, is not at all accepted by society. I have no health insurance, and I don't want to fill my body full of pills that control my brain, so self-medicating is the only thing I've got. I wish everyone else could see and understand that this is something that cures me of my daily bouts of depression and restless stress that is not a federally regulated chemically enhanced super-drug. People spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on medication and therapy for something I can cure myself, if people just opened their own minds instead of letting others tell them what is wrong and what is right, maybe they would save a little heartache.



"I first met you, didn't realize
I cant forget you, for your surprise,
You introduced me, to my mind
And left me wanting, you and your kind

I love you, oh you know it

My life was empty forever on a down
Until you took me, showed me around
My life is free now, my life is clear
I love you leaf, though you cant hear"

-Black Sabbath Sweet Leaf

The Future

My uncle is getting married to his girlfriend of 8 years at the end of June. They have two kids and I think they really love each other. My uncle is the only person ive seen grow from child to adult, so its really weird for me to see him as a married man with children and a house when just a few years ago (or so it feels) he was kicking me out of his room and getting busted by my grandma for a mass amount of CO2 cartridges in his drawer.

Speaking of my grandma, a month or so ago she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had surgery last week. She is always depressed now, especially since we found out that the cancer has spread and she will still need chemotherapy.

I also watched Synecdoche, New York last night which has me in a weird mood about dying and the future. I have no clue where I will be 5 years from now, or even 6 months from now. I am almost afraid to live because I am so afraid of dying. My mom always tells me to think positively and enjoy my moments now, but how can I be positive about the end?
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The Overworked

I've been extremely weird lately. I've felt and acted extremely unlike me for the past week and I don't know when I'll start to be myself again.

I don't know if I'm making the right decision with school, am I cut out for this? It's so competitive and I'm so shy. Should I move to New York or should I stay in Portland? Are Josh and I going to be able to stand each other for much longer? Is my Grandma going to be alive for my Uncle's wedding?

I ask myself these stupid fucking questions all day long and I can't concentrate on anything else. I wish I could rewind to when my mom and I were still getting along so I could kill myself and never have felt all the shit that came afterwards.

The Live-In Boyfriend

Now that Josh and I officially live together, the way I saw things hopefully panning out is not the way things are working out. We are both so busy all the time that the only part of the day we get to spend together is when we're both exhausted and in desperate need of sleep. I feel like we're just living around each other. The Josh I knew a few weeks ago is not the Josh I know now, and I feel like I am different too. The things I swore I'd never do for a spouse, I'm doing, and I don't hate it. It's freaking me out. I'm folding our laundry and making our bed and cleaning our room. Some girls dream about this kind of shit, and I'm questioning it.