The Square One

I'm unemployed, again, this winter. There is a certain horizon in your mind when you realize someone has crossed it and there is no looking and no going back. I feel like I have been mistreated, mislead, completely and totally unappreciated. But I guess that's the way most jobs go. This was different though, because I dedicated the last year of my life to this business as a manager and now it all means nothing. Not because I was refused pay, or held accountable for every mistake, or the cold hard fact that we were rated 'worst coffee shop' in Albany behind Dunkin' Donuts. Talking down to your employees to make them feel like they are nothing just so you can walk all over them is not any way to do business. And all of those people who have complained the most about being incredibly mistreated are still working there because they either don't have the means, or the balls, to tell him to fuck off. I'm lucky to have someone by my side who will support my irrational decisions, simply out of love.

Apparently, taking all of my baking items and my recipes out of the place before I leave for 12 days isn't a big enough "I QUIT," because he's still texting Connor and I to work after I told him I'd never put up with his bullshit for minimum wage. You can't pay the rent? Let's just drop everyone's pay to minimum wage and see how many stick around. Not this guy.

The job I started before I left sucked and I haven't heard from them, so I'm off on a clean slate. All of this piracy protesting online has shut off my communication to the job world for today so I'm just sucking it up for now, getting my life back from vacation world and joining reality again (cleaning). At least this time I came back with good news and something to look forward to.

I finally have an opportunity to get back to California. My Uncle owns apartment complexes near my parents and is willing to offer me a place to stay for cheap until I get on my feet, which is all I could ever ask for. It's about an hour east of San Francisco which is far, but closer than I've been in the last 4 years. For now I just have to make ends meet until the car payment is done in September and then we're off. Finally a chance, finally a plan. I've dipped out of Albany life pretty much since I moved into our house with the only people I care to talk to, and I plan to keep it that way until I'm gone for good.

The Shit in the Fan

Things have been awful. I was puke sick on Christmas and cold sick on new years eve. I'm supposed to be leaving for California on Saturday, I was so excited and now I'm almost dreading it. The cafe seems to be indefinitely closing, and oh yeah, I'm not getting paid either. "There is no money" is not a valid excuse in my book. I don't want to get into this, I've been stewing about it for the last 3 days I feel like my head might explode. I'm writing because one of my dad's best friends from the beginning of eternity has just suddenly died this morning.

I've never dealt well with death, it's almost a denial thing. It just doesn't seem real enough to be dead. At such a young age, dying at 41 can only mean a human error of some sort. A patient being monitored for a fatty liver should be tested for every disease you could possibly think to be related, is this not apart of their job at hospitals anymore? Do they send out the bills without double checking their work? My dad's best friend is dead because someone was too fucking lazy and incompetent to do their job. How did no one no he had diabetes? His body was swollen, his pancreas, kidneys and liver were swollen. He died in a medical induced diabetic coma from internal bleeding that they couldn't find the source of. And I bet in less than three weeks there will be a medical bill waiting in his mourning parent's mail box.

I'm leaving for California on Saturday, a trip that was supposed to be about giving my parents a break from all the grief in their daily lives. Now I have to watch my entire family and friends go through their mourning period because someone fucked up and killed my dad's friend. He had the best laugh, he was always smiling, and everyone is going to notice when they don't hear that laugh at the next get together. I hope someone is held responsible for Kaiser hospital's 1,000,000th mistake. They almost killed my grandpa 2 years ago, if it wasn't him it would be someone else.

You never know that the last time you say good bye would be the last time forever.

The Finale

I'm sorry, it's been long and nothing has changed. Only ideas amplified with research and data, researching the data. A friend of mine is planning on going to graduate school in Brooklyn next fall and hell or high water I think I'm going with her. We both have boyfriends who are making plans to attend, but with or without that's where I have to be. The prices for living aren't nearly as ridiculous as I thought, no worse than in California, that is definite. There is so much opportunity for anyone in that zoo, especially in my position now with 'management' experience and almost 3 years of steady sweat and bloodied kitchen work.

 I know going there will throw me to the sharks at the bottom of the deep oiled ocean, I will be nothing, yet again. But all of this 'managing' is exactly what everyone has ever said about being 'the' manager. Bullshit overflowith in my tea cup of life on a daily basis. I'm solidly convinced 90% of people on earth have a mental handicap/lack common sense entirely/are subconsciously evil.  But who really knows where I'll be next summer, this is only my best idea yet.

I'll be going back home in January for a week and I'm keeping it a secret from my younger proteges just to watch them pee themselves in public! I didn't say I was excused from being 'subconsciously evil.'

Work has bit the fucking big one and I hate it, I'm avoiding it now even in my own head. I'm letting things roll off of my back, trying to anyway. It is sometimes (most of the time) difficult to work with and also respect someone so demanding and completely irrational at the same time. He writes my paychecks and is pretty cool for the other 50% of the work day. You give and take, sometimes you've just got to take some shit for a little while to get ahead. 

The Confusion

I don't know where my head is at today. Some days I wake up and feel like my life is totally on track and I know where I'm going and what I'm doing here and other days I feel like strangling myself and saying 'WHY?! WHY ALBANY?!' This place is wearing me down, mostly because I'm stuck here until I figure out something better to do. I'm still going along with this plan to buy the middle-of-nowhere farmhouse with acreage, but I find myself second guessing what my life will be like in 5 years. I find myself second-guessing my settling into being old at 21 years.

      I don't want to stay out late, get all fucked up, and take all kinds of hallucinogens, this is not what I mean by 'something more.' The trouble is I don't know what I actually want to be doing. My career has consumed my life completely, which was the goal after graduating culinary school, but I wonder how long this will last? How long will I be able to put up with the complete bullshit, long hours, and migraine inducing customers?

      This is going to sound utterly insane but I only really feel totally comfortable when I'm alone at home with my cats. I've been through so many changes over the last 21 years I guess I never really stuck to "doing me," I've always had a boy in my life in some way, and when I wasn't with them I was at home hanging out by myself writing or doing some kind of art. This is the only place I write now, and there is no time to be doing art. Where will I keep it? Hang it? Will my roommates like it? Life is so different now but I feel the same as when I started writing here. My responsibilities are different but still the same pain in the ass. Will I ever be content? Will I ever be truly happy?

   I almost wish there was something wrong in my relationship with Connor to have something to complain about, a reason to take-off and 'do me' with my cats. It's so right that its at the wrong time. It sends me (cliche much?) to Blue Valentine, a move with Ryan Gosling and Michele Williams, you shouldn't watch it unless you feel like crying.

     "I feel like men are more romantic than women. When we get married we marry, like, one girl, ’cause we’re resistant the whole way until we meet one girl and we think I’d be an idiot if I didn’t marry this girl she’s so great. But it seems like girls get to a place where they just kinda pick the best option… ‘Oh he’s got a good job.’ I mean they spend their whole life looking for Prince Charming and then they marry the guy who’s got a good job and is gonna stick around."


      Why is it that I have everything I wanted a year ago and I am still searching for 'prince-charming' in life? I wish someone would slap me. Five years ago I was planning my fame lit fashion design career and now we're talking farm and babies. I've put my trust in the wrong people and taken such huge losses over the past 3 years that I don't even know which way to look up. Wanting both is the shittiest shit, I hate being a Gemini sometimes.

The point of this is that there has always been someone else in my life that has kept me from 'doing me' and I'm afraid I'll never get to experience this until I've realized its too late, I'm too old, and I have too many responsibilities paining in my ass. But why would I let go of something so right at the most confusing time?

The Adult Thing To Do

It seems as though my life has just been bundled up lately in this huge jar of fermented shit, with kittens on top. Juni had her nunies 5 wednesday mornings ago sometime between Connor leaving for work at 6:30am and me waking up on my sleep-in-late day at 9am. We should really have seen this coming, Juni is such a weird cat, the opposite of cat, she likes car rides, sits in the shower with me and she has weird allergy issues; She only had TWO kittens...and guess what they look like? One is Juni's exact grey and the other is completely black just like Milo and he isn't even the dad! Nature is so strange. She is a good mother without having to learn anything, I hope to have her instincts one day.

It seems as though my life has been consumed but a ton of complaining, and not even my own. Every one at work has something to bitch about, everyone of my friends has something to complain about, even I do. I am complaining about complaining here, folks. Everyone has got issues it's amazing. And what is even more amazing is that everyone else's issues are starting to inconvenience me at work.

                   Oh, your parents are visiting from 30 miles away and you need the weekend off? --Are you really asking me on Wednesday? --Sure, I'll work open to close on the busiest day of the week so everyone else can go to a birthday party I was invited to but cannot attend because I am too busy ATTENDING to your fucking problems.

I wish this story was hypothetical, it's just my morning wake-up call.

How can anyone possibly keep their sanity as a business-owner and/or manager? People are quitting their jobs and taking time off of work to camp out on Wall St. while everyone continues to go about their business making their dirty money. Someone explain to me how this is not counter-productive. How fucking ignorant do people have to be to quit their jobs to fly across the country and protest joblessness. I attended a few protests while living in San Francisco and to be honest about 70% of it were teenagers taking myspace pics of themselves and each other at the protests. It just seemed like a huge fucking joke. So now I am working over time every week because of this bullshit. Everyone sucks.

Wake up, go to work, go home, shut the fuck up, go to sleep.

The One Time

Okay so I know it's horrible to brag about your salary, but this is the one place where no fucks is given and it's been that place in my life since junior year in high school. My generation is so weird...

I'm not by any means swimming in money, I'm just comfy. I haven't been comfy with money at all, ever, since I started working and paying bills. I've always been behind and for the first time I am ahead, and it feels great. Working 7 days a week isn't so bad either, I've gotten used to it by now, plus I get every other Monday off too. And when I'm sick I still get paid the same amount, and I've also got this cool new thing I found out about at the vet called Care Credit its basically health insurance on a credit card up to a certain amount of course. Its awesome for poor people with pets because you can use it at the vet and for yourself, there is no interest unless you make a late payment.  I've also been able to get a regular credit card finally, since this September I've been paying my phone bill for a year and my student loan for 2 years. I'm trying to build up to buy an iMac. Connor was right, this whole credit thing is like a game, except when you fail, it sucks really bad.





I still have yet to even mention to my mom that I might be staying in New York, especially with news about my grandparents moving back to California. Why does everyone I love have to live in the most unreasonably priced (and awesome) place in this country? I would love nothing more to be near all of that delicious food and the chilly beach and common grounded nerds, but I'm afraid of leaving my 'comfy' space to go back to being below the poverty line and not able to do anything cool anyway. I'll have to buy a car, I'll have to buy insurance, I'll have to pay to even get over there and then hunt for a place that has an apartment with a kitchen in my price range. It seems utterly ridiculous to think I'll be buying a house in New York, because getting here was a mistake. If I hadn't met Connor I would've gone home a long time ago.

Someone asked me a few years ago what I liked to do and I had no answer, absolutely none. I was 18, only three years ago, but it feels like the whole world has spun a million years since then. Now I know what I value and found someone else who wants what I want, I want to live a life of sustainability. Doesn't that sound so epic? That should be my climactic one-liner at the epicenter of my book. But really, I want to work my land and take care of my house, garden organically, have chickens for eggs and only ONE damn rooster 'cause they are the scariest alpha males. We've been talking about fostering animals and animal rescuing (when I say 'we've' I must be talking about me with myself, I've only mentioned it twice out-loud). There will be cooking, TONS of cooking, re-arranging, wall-paper ripping parties. Friends, you are welcome.




There cannot be any more pure a form of 'comfyism' than living in the country.

The Wait

It's been too long, dear old blog, I almost forgot all about you. Since we came back from California my life has been a total mess. I got a promotion at the cafe to Kitchen Manager/Partner, I deal with a whole lot more bullshit but the menu, specials, details, are mine. All mine. I've never been in charge before so it's been pretty stressful. Rallying your troops (inefficient employees) to actually work is the hardest part, I feel like a broken record. I see every eye roll, every scoff, I don't even care anymore. I have had to work at being a persistent bitch to everyone and it sucks, but it's really whats best. If you aren't, shit doesn't get done, plain and simple. I have a boss too though, so while I'm sometimes shitting on other people there is other shit to be shat upon me, constantly. I guess I don't work so well under stress, but I have yet to feel like I can't do it. I have certainly felt like I don't want to do it, but everyone does sometimes. Oh and my kitty is pregnant with more kitties (I'm necessarily upset about this, but I am stressing hard.)

People are giving me a hard time again, I don't want to be around them. At all. Connor and I are considering buying his parents home in a scenic county at least an hour away from any bullshit in Albany. 75,000$ for a 4 bedroom farmhouse with 7 acres. Seven acres of complete solitude. Chickens, dogs, pigs, we could have it all. I'm torn between being miserably poor near my family in California or eternally happy in exactly what I want, 3,000 miles away from anything connected to me since birth. Why can't I just have them both? In life you make decisions, most of them suck.

The Best

One of the benefits of Albany being small is that you can always count on getting to know someone by asking the people around you what they know, and they're usually right. I always welcome first impressions, even if you don't feel like giving me one. If you can't project yourself according to who you are, then who the fuck are you? The guest should not forgo manners just because they are not the host, people are still judging you. How else can you judge someone who doesn't speak, except by their actions? When you assault someone in my home you are essentially ridding yourself of my respect by not being able to have the human decency to control your actions, drunk or sober, you are a disrespectful bitch.

WELL, now that this is all out of the way.

5 more days until California! It doesn't even feel real, having been here for two years non-stop also seems unreal to me at this point. I've kept in such close contact with my immediate family I feel like we've been anticipating this trip since I was 18. Things have changed in my 'adult' mind and I'm really looking forward to long talks with my mother, just us two. It's been a long time since I've been able to talk to someone who I feel like could love me no matter what I've done or what I'm about to say. My feelings towards my father have changed as well as towards my step-father.

Getting to know Connor has led me to so many conclusions about my own life and my past, for the better. We both grew up on the opposite sides of the discipline spectrum but in retrospect, our lives have so much in common. I won't go into detail, I'll spare you the sap story, but I really do feel like in my parents mind they felt like they were protecting me all those years while in actuality they were fueling my anger and resentment for punishing me for ridiculous things. I did feel, and still do feel like the black sheep of the family and I don't think this will change until people in my family start being honest with me and themselves. We never were the perfect family, we never will be because people make mistakes. All I want you to do is look in the mirror and discontinue the cycle, for my siblings sake.

I grew up hating myself and not feeling good enough because of the constant dramatized discipline, 1 minute late was 1 week locked in my house, a B+ could've been an A, but I just wasn't. The American dream is dead for those who were not born into the top one percent, we should stop shoving achievements up every child's ass and start teaching them common sense. Maybe we should pay less attention to being an 'A' and pay more attention to being what you are, that must make me a pretty content B+.