I don't know where my head is at today. Some days I wake up and feel like my life is totally on track and I know where I'm going and what I'm doing here and other days I feel like strangling myself and saying 'WHY?! WHY ALBANY?!' This place is wearing me down, mostly because I'm stuck here until I figure out something better to do. I'm still going along with this plan to buy the middle-of-nowhere farmhouse with acreage, but I find myself second guessing what my life will be like in 5 years. I find myself second-guessing my settling into being old at 21 years.
I don't want to stay out late, get all fucked up, and take all kinds of hallucinogens, this is not what I mean by 'something more.' The trouble is I don't know what I actually want to be doing. My career has consumed my life completely, which was the goal after graduating culinary school, but I wonder how long this will last? How long will I be able to put up with the complete bullshit, long hours, and migraine inducing customers?
This is going to sound utterly insane but I only really feel totally comfortable when I'm alone at home with my cats. I've been through so many changes over the last 21 years I guess I never really stuck to "doing me," I've always had a boy in my life in some way, and when I wasn't with them I was at home hanging out by myself writing or doing some kind of art. This is the only place I write now, and there is no time to be doing art. Where will I keep it? Hang it? Will my roommates like it? Life is so different now but I feel the same as when I started writing here. My responsibilities are different but still the same pain in the ass. Will I ever be content? Will I ever be truly happy?
I almost wish there was something wrong in my relationship with Connor to have something to complain about, a reason to take-off and 'do me' with my cats. It's so right that its at the wrong time. It sends me (cliche much?) to Blue Valentine, a move with Ryan Gosling and Michele Williams, you shouldn't watch it unless you feel like crying.
"I feel like men are more romantic than women. When we get married we marry, like, one girl, ’cause we’re resistant the whole way until we meet one girl and we think I’d be an idiot if I didn’t marry this girl she’s so great. But it seems like girls get to a place where they just kinda pick the best option… ‘Oh he’s got a good job.’ I mean they spend their whole life looking for Prince Charming and then they marry the guy who’s got a good job and is gonna stick around."
Why is it that I have everything I wanted a year ago and I am still searching for 'prince-charming' in life? I wish someone would slap me. Five years ago I was planning my fame lit fashion design career and now we're talking farm and babies. I've put my trust in the wrong people and taken such huge losses over the past 3 years that I don't even know which way to look up. Wanting both is the shittiest shit, I hate being a Gemini sometimes.
The point of this is that there has always been someone else in my life that has kept me from 'doing me' and I'm afraid I'll never get to experience this until I've realized its too late, I'm too old, and I have too many responsibilities paining in my ass. But why would I let go of something so right at the most confusing time?
I don't want to stay out late, get all fucked up, and take all kinds of hallucinogens, this is not what I mean by 'something more.' The trouble is I don't know what I actually want to be doing. My career has consumed my life completely, which was the goal after graduating culinary school, but I wonder how long this will last? How long will I be able to put up with the complete bullshit, long hours, and migraine inducing customers?
This is going to sound utterly insane but I only really feel totally comfortable when I'm alone at home with my cats. I've been through so many changes over the last 21 years I guess I never really stuck to "doing me," I've always had a boy in my life in some way, and when I wasn't with them I was at home hanging out by myself writing or doing some kind of art. This is the only place I write now, and there is no time to be doing art. Where will I keep it? Hang it? Will my roommates like it? Life is so different now but I feel the same as when I started writing here. My responsibilities are different but still the same pain in the ass. Will I ever be content? Will I ever be truly happy?
I almost wish there was something wrong in my relationship with Connor to have something to complain about, a reason to take-off and 'do me' with my cats. It's so right that its at the wrong time. It sends me (cliche much?) to Blue Valentine, a move with Ryan Gosling and Michele Williams, you shouldn't watch it unless you feel like crying.
"I feel like men are more romantic than women. When we get married we marry, like, one girl, ’cause we’re resistant the whole way until we meet one girl and we think I’d be an idiot if I didn’t marry this girl she’s so great. But it seems like girls get to a place where they just kinda pick the best option… ‘Oh he’s got a good job.’ I mean they spend their whole life looking for Prince Charming and then they marry the guy who’s got a good job and is gonna stick around."
Why is it that I have everything I wanted a year ago and I am still searching for 'prince-charming' in life? I wish someone would slap me. Five years ago I was planning my fame lit fashion design career and now we're talking farm and babies. I've put my trust in the wrong people and taken such huge losses over the past 3 years that I don't even know which way to look up. Wanting both is the shittiest shit, I hate being a Gemini sometimes.
The point of this is that there has always been someone else in my life that has kept me from 'doing me' and I'm afraid I'll never get to experience this until I've realized its too late, I'm too old, and I have too many responsibilities paining in my ass. But why would I let go of something so right at the most confusing time?
