The Beginning of Real Hell

There is supposed to be no love greater than the love of family. While some days I think this is true, other times, like today, I don't. My family is trying to control my life, and today has been the breaking point. I moved 600 miles away from my Mom but she still controls me. I moved into my grandparents house thinking they'd be a huge help, giving me a place to stay while I save up money to move, but my Grandpa insists on tearing me apart emotionally every time I'm around and even when I'm not. Apparently when I speak, ears are closed so when I told him I still planned on moving in January at least six times, he didn't hear it. I told my mom I still planned on moving even though I was coming up to Portland, and she didn't hear it either.

I am so fucking fed up with having to hear about school. I HAVE NO MONEY TO GO TO SCHOOL SO I AM WORKING TO SAVE SOME. I don't know how much more clear I can make it. The thing I am focused on right now is being happy, I want to be around my friends who make me happy, I want to have a reason to wake up in the morning.

So now my grandpa pretty much wants me to go to school or leave, I have $124.53, and no place to go. I have never been more angry than I am today, I'm beyond the point of crying all i want to do is break everything I look at. I feel betrayed and stranded, i don't know where to go from here.

I'm leaving for New Mexico to visit on November 4th, nor my Grandpa or anyone else is fucking stopping me. The prices have gone down too.

The End of Hell

My 8 day work week will be over after this morning (it's 12:28am) I have to be at work at 7:00am. I left work last night at 7:10pm, and I had to return in less than 12 hours. I pretty much just hung out in my room all night and finished watching season 2 of The Office. I heard about a kiss between Jim and Pam so I wanted to finish the last 5 episodes as quickly as possible so I could see it! I cried a whole bunch when he confessed his love for her and i giggled a whole bunch when he kissed her!

After work tomorrow I'm hanging out with a new friend, so it should be fun! Finally a break from my family! Not that I don't love them or anything, just sometimes you need a break.

The Jim to My Pam

I miss being near someone I love! Jim and Pam make me lonely, i literally pine for Jim when I'm watching this show. :[ Roy is such an idiot!

The Catch-Up

I must catch all of you up with pictures. I haven't had any time to upload them, so I'll do it all in one post.

Let me start by saying that it has been a very rough and stressful two weeks. I have been working non-stop 8 hour days since last Wednesday and I won't have a day off until Thursday of this coming week. I've had three days off since I started working, I haven't had time to breathe. On top of all this, my Grandpa is pushing my buttons day-by-day. It's scary how alike him and my Mom can be sometimes. I miss her a lot, just not any of the stupid crap she sometimes says.

The other day he was driving me to work and decided to repeatedly tear me down, saying that I'm not trying hard enough to save money for school and to "better myself" because I'm spending a week's pay on visiting New Mexico in November, so he wants me to start paying rent. I think all of it is complete bullshit, considering none of his children ever had to pay rent for as long as they were still living under his roof, including my Mom and I when I was younger. I was pretty irate and cried all night because I was so infuriated that he could be such a total jackass. He's the type of person who always has to be right, but I don't remember him being this mean when I was little. Take this for an example, just five minutes ago he was bitching about how the wash smells like mildew because my Grandma leaves it in the washer during the day when she is watching my younger cousins all day, so I told him to do his own wash if he doesn't like it, and all he said is "well, if i didn't work 12 hour days." I don't even know where to go with words on this. There are so many things I could scream to the top of my lungs about, but to him, my words would still never matter.

It was his idea in the first place for me to move out here and stay with them while I saved some money to move back New Mexico like I had told him ONE MILLION times, yet he insists am staying up here. I don't understand why no one listens when I talk. I swear to god everyone has gone mad, or is it just me? (spell check says I should capitalize god but I hate him, so I won't).

Pictures..
In honor of Twyla loving my post a few weeks ago about my favorite toothpaste, here's a picture of me brushing my teeth after an 8 hour day of working and watching the Emmy's. Way to go 30 Rock! I love Tina Fey and the whole cast of 30 Rock, such a great show.
Here's the Log Shop sticker I put on my car. Rollin on Oregon turf, but reppin the Cali surf! I was remembering working at Sanrio with all the girls when the crew was top notch during Christmas of 2006, I miss those Serramonte days. I also really miss the Bay Area, not Pacifica, but the Bay.
And then this is my room as a complete mess, I plan on cleaning it tomorrow, so I'll show after pictures in my next post! The only furniture of mine in my room is that chair I bought at Urban Outfitters a few years ago, some of you may remember I rode it home on BART.

The Time Off

I got the time off of work to come visit in Albuquerque from November 4th-11th. STOKED!

The Next Visit

I was talking to Jake earlier and we came to the conclusion that I should make a visit back to New Mexico soon. I was supposed to go and get some of my things this last month, but my Grandparents are broke, as are all of us nowadays. I'm almost positive I'd blow my first check anyways, so I might as well spend it all in one place, a plane ticket. I'm thinking around October 21st to the 29th. Prices have shot up dramatically, but it's always worth every penny. The only problem I run into is getting the time off of work. I will give them a month's advance notice so hopefully that's enough, but if I can't get it off I can't go, I can't afford to lose this job.

The Gooby

Ain't he cute? (Theres a wire sticking out of the hood because I had to charge the battery when I brought him home, they thought the alternator was dead but the belt was just broken). I can almost drive him too, driving manual is so frustrating.

The Exhausted Week

I haven't updated almost all week because I've been busy working from Tuesday until today. I work at 5:30 am so I've just been tired. Everyone has decided they want to piss me off today, so this isn't going to be pleasant to deal with tomorrow.

No one believes and/or listened to me when I told them three weeks ago that even though I moved to Portland for a little while I am STILL going back to New Mexico in January/February. My Mom is still upon her rightful high-horse and thinks I'm only going for Jake. While he is a nice part of it, i can honestly say the only time I've been truly happy for days straight in the last year is when I went back to Albuquerque in June. I think it's a good enough excuse to go, I'm not concerned with school right now, I just want to be happy. I miss having friends, and someone to care about, and thats where I can find it.

The New Car

My Grandpa bought me a car so he wouldn't have to drive me to work every day at 5:30 am. It's so cute, I haven't named her yet, but I will when she gets here Monday morning. She's a 1996 Hyundai Accent (in silver), the picture really doesn't do it justice. If you ever see it in person, I swear you'll automatically assume it's mine, you'll pick it out of a parking lot. It's adorable and also a stick shift, so I have to learn how to drive it.

so into life today.

The Office (US)

So, it's alright. I've only seen the first two episodes and both of them have been extremely similar to plot lines on the UK version. I'm giving it a shot, but only for this man.
WOULD. SO WOULD.

The Work Shirt

Got my work shirt, it's comfy.

I start in-store on Tuesday at FIVE-FUCKING-THIRTY-AM.

The new Job

I GOT A JOB!

Working at Albertson's Coffee Bar, which is Starbucks. I am so excited, i was even excited to take the drug test (which I passed). Today I go in to fill out paperwork, and then I start training on Saturday. The pay is quite well just for training, they don't mind my piercings/tattoo, I have no complaints. Things are picking up finally!

The Needed Luck

I need some luck, so whatever luck you aren't currently using, can I please borrow it? I have sent out applications and resumes every single day for the last two weeks, and still nothing. Even though I've re-routed to Portland for a little while, I am still planning on moving back to New Mexico at the beginning of 2009. I was planning for early January, but now I'm looking at late January-early February. The only thing holding me back right now is a job, so finding one will cure all of my dilemmas.

I literally have 15 cents to my name. I'm depressed.

The Visit

Brad came to visit me for a few days, I tried to show him around Portland but I'm a bad tour guide because i sleep until 1pm every day. I haven't really been online the last four days except to check messages, so I haven't had time to update. I took him to this really awesome bridge/walk that I have always been intrigued by. I've always liked that dark steel/red brick type of city look, you don't see that too often in San Francisco.
It was nice to see an old friend, and I wish the best for him in his future, it sure is bright.