Six years of incessant bitching in this blog no one reads. I'd like to say things have changed since I was 16 but alas, my head is an imminent loop of garbage feelings and misfortune. Don't worry, there are good days, but this is the place I come to project my inner lament that is ever so present these days. I have failed to connect with anyone on a personal level in the last year I've been in California. The one person I thought had a chance turned out to be the unforgiving outline of the human I never wanted to know. Now we're best buds, I guess.
For a moment there I thought I'd lost my head into a spinning cesspool of bullshit that made me hate myself in the end. Sweet AMBIVALENCE! Never become someone you think someone else would want, it doesn't work. You learn that they are not the person you want, either.
It's hard to be friends with someone who thinks everything you love is stupid. Stupid is the unintelligent person's reaction to a lack of understanding or of caring at all. You realize they don't want to understand when they stop listening when you talk.
On the other hand, I have learned a great lesson, or two.
I moved again, this time to Yosemite to work at a Lodge that feeds 50,000 people a year. It's a very busy kitchen, it will be good to practice my speed and efficiency. But I'm alone in this beautiful house all the time, just the cats and I. Today makes it an official week at midnight, but it feels longer. I can't make phone calls from here, so there is that. Total isolation, total "immersion' as chef calls it. The place is breathtaking, the people in town are sickeningly nice, and I still hate it. I'm not meant for this mosey hokey pace. It's only one year, and then I'm out. Getting a two dollar pay raise, full time, with guaranteed overtime will help me get back to the un-affordable city I love so much.
A cook at my old job gave me some really good advice, albeit simple, it is true. "Just stay," he said, "when you feeling like giving up and going home, just stay, it gets easier." So here I am, staying against my own will.
EXCELSIOR
For a moment there I thought I'd lost my head into a spinning cesspool of bullshit that made me hate myself in the end. Sweet AMBIVALENCE! Never become someone you think someone else would want, it doesn't work. You learn that they are not the person you want, either.
It's hard to be friends with someone who thinks everything you love is stupid. Stupid is the unintelligent person's reaction to a lack of understanding or of caring at all. You realize they don't want to understand when they stop listening when you talk.
On the other hand, I have learned a great lesson, or two.
I moved again, this time to Yosemite to work at a Lodge that feeds 50,000 people a year. It's a very busy kitchen, it will be good to practice my speed and efficiency. But I'm alone in this beautiful house all the time, just the cats and I. Today makes it an official week at midnight, but it feels longer. I can't make phone calls from here, so there is that. Total isolation, total "immersion' as chef calls it. The place is breathtaking, the people in town are sickeningly nice, and I still hate it. I'm not meant for this mosey hokey pace. It's only one year, and then I'm out. Getting a two dollar pay raise, full time, with guaranteed overtime will help me get back to the un-affordable city I love so much.
A cook at my old job gave me some really good advice, albeit simple, it is true. "Just stay," he said, "when you feeling like giving up and going home, just stay, it gets easier." So here I am, staying against my own will.
EXCELSIOR
