the last day of the year

my 150th post is also my last post of 2007.
i think I've grown up the most this year, but there is still so much more to learn. i know 2008 will be the year of complete growth, i'll be turning 18, hopefully going to college, and moving out, moving on.

If its one thing I've learned today, which can be applied to the entire year is, don't search for things you don't want to find.

Instead of my trip to Germany next summer i think I'll go to Peru with my pseudo Grandparents. It'll be cheaper and I'll be escorted around by secret service, but i can't tell you why.

Happy New Year!

some pictures..
this mine and my sister's F YOU to 2007 BOOOOO

Our woohoo to 2008!


Three generations(ish) of premenstrual syndrome


My dad's New Years gift to me

the horse

i accomplished nothing today besides some writing on my script, and i made an entire pony by hand. my nimble fingers are aching. it took me 2 hours but it was well worth it, his name is Safran. My mom brought me home a goldfish today too, her name is Augustine.

the insomnia begins

i can't sleep because i took a nap from 6pm to 8:45pm and it is now 1:13am.
I decided i'd start on my "screenplay" since I've been putting it off and now that i am unemployed i will have plenty of time to finish this task. i put it quotations because i hate that word.
Maybe i will call it my "script," instead. Yes, I've started to write my script.
I highly doubt its any good, but it does have some comedic elements and also some sad ones.
I named my character Beverly, because i want to call her Bev. Her roomate/best friend is named Kate because it sort of is like Candace, but not too much, then it'd be obvious.
As of yet, its called A Year After the Break-Up, but i might have to choose another title seeing as it is extremely close to the blog it was inspired by.
The elements of T's character (the boy) are a combination of all things good and bad i've experienced in previous relationships as well as my current one. I hope no one gets hurt by the fact that i'm writting the script this way.
The first few days were feelings/events i actually went through in various stages of a break-up. Its sort of hard to really portray feelings of being broken up with because it hasn't happened to me since 8th grade. Not to say i haven't been in relationships, i have, with many people, but somehow i am always the one who needs to let go. Didn't any of you ever get tired of me?
I made Kate real typical and spunky in the beginning, but towards the middle i want to develop her character into something more misanthropic and quick witted. Maybe we should use some of my ideas from the movie i want to make about Candace's misadventures.

If you want to read it, let me know and i'll send it you.

edit://
i fell asleep at 5 and woke up at 2:30, what is becoming of me?

the end of a great book/lists

Everything Is Illuminated ended the same way Rules of Attraction did, it makes me angry yet leaves me to wonder what might've been said.
If you don't know what i'm talking about the book(s) end mid-sentence.
Anyways, it was really imaginative and wonderful yet real depressing and smart. I will read another by this author to really determine my verdict on him though.

I might start Persepolis tonight, i have nothing else to do.

Yesterday i went to the city with Keith and spent money on some sweaters and books and a telephone receiver for my cell phone, its cute.

Today was my last day at work, it was sad and liberating, i can't wait to start someplace new.

I also starting doing some listing today at work when it wasn't busy, i tried to name all of the people i've kissed. Sadly, the number is 15. I don't even talk to 9 of them, and most were before Freshman year. I am a horrible horrible person. But, this has encouraged me to start a book of lists, anytime i think of a topic i will write it in this composition and i will have a list of things completely unnecessary. It is a premium idea.

the camera

I babysat yesterday for 6 hours, during that time i discovered her camera. This isn't creepy or anything, i wasn't snooping it was just on the counter. Anyways, i have taken pictures of her little girls before, and i decided i'd snap a few shots of them with her incredible camera, leave the good ones on there for her to find. Its a win win situation, i get to use the camera of my dreams and she gets some good pictures.
The moment i snapped the first frame, the mere sound of the shutter made me go weak. I've wanted the camera she has for a few months now, but this was the first time i actually got to use it. After seeing the incredible pictures i took in just 3 shots, i knew that having this camera will only improve my skills.
I want to study photography in the fall, i've never been so sure of anything.

the lull

its after christmas and everything has gone back to normal, sort of.
every year after the gastly holiday i refuse to clean my room for a while and just have my presents sitting around the room paper everywhere tags and wrappers thrown askew. i've done it for the past four years, why quit now?
my sister is getting her hair cut off as i type this, she is donating her luscious locks to a place that makes wigs for children going through chemotherapy. i know its a great cause and i'm happy that at her age she is willing to cut all of her hair of for charity, but i can't help but be angry at the fact that my mom puts ideas like these into her head. Whether good or bad, she is still trying to turn my sister into a little her. She more than likely did it to me when i was a kid but back then she was only 20 and much more free spirited, and now she's turned into this hidden angst super mom when no one has asked her to be.
I woke up to her screaming at my sister this morning, keep in mind she is 4 and my baby brother is 18 months old. While she was in the shower she asked her to watch him and during that time he fell over and bumped his head on something. Its really not a big deal considering his head is huge and he is always bumping it into things, but my sister, who is 4 years old, didn't know what to do. So, while he is crying at the door of the bathroom my mom is screaming at my sister to do something about it. Long story short, i came out of my room to calm to beast down, which is impossible, so i had a talk with my sister.
I asked her what happened why had mom been screaming all morning and she told me the story of how he bumped his head and she didn't know what to do. When i asked her why she didn't console him she spoke these words with her four year old lips and her 15 year old mind, "I am nobody's mother."

the end of 2007 LISTS!

seriously my favorite time of year is the end because of a new start, new unattainable resolutions, and lists! everyone makes lists, and i love reading them and making them!

Here we go:

FAVORITE ALBUMS 2007:(alphabetically)
-Beirut The Flying Club Cup
-Bright Eyes Cassadaga
-Daft Punk Alive
-Devendra Banhart Smokey Rolls Down Thunder Canyon
-Ed Banger Records Ed Rec. Vol. 2
-Jens Lekman Night Falls Over Kortedala
-Justice +
-M.I.A Kala
-Mirah and Spectratone International Share This Place
-Patton OswaltWerewolves and Lollipops
-Page France ...and the Family Telephone Rang
-Of Montreal Hissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer?
-Oh No! Oh My! Between The Devil and The Sea EP
-Sigur Ros Hvarf/Heim
-Simian Mobile Disco Attack Decay Sustain Release
-St. Vincent Marry Me
-Wilco Sky Blue Sky

FAVORITE ALBUM ART
-Akron/Family Love Is Simple
-Animal Collective Strawberry Jam
-Jens Lekman Night Falls Over Kortedala
-Panda Bear Person Pitch
-Wilco Sky Blue Sky

FAVORITE MOVIES(FROM WHAT I CAN REMEMBER)
-Wristcutters
-Juno
-Superbad, Knocked Up
-Across The Universe
-Jesus Camp
-La Vie En Rose

FAVORITE BOOKS
-Middlesex
-The Curious Incident of the Dog in Nighttime
-Slaughterhouse-Five
-Catcher In The Rye
-Rules Of Attraction

WORST!!!!!

WORST/OVERRATED/DISSAPOINTING (i only liked about 1 or so songs from these albums, sadly)
-Feist The Reminder(snoreeeee)
-Rilo Kiley Under the Blacklight(sad)
-Modest Mouse We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank(ehh)
-Bjork Volta(Timbaland ruined you!)
-Architecture In Helsinki Places Like This(so disappointing)

the christmas

this christmas was good, got a few things i wanted and a few things i needed. Like, film. Lots and lots of film.

My parents bought me a Diana +, and Keith got one too so now we can match!

I woke up real hung over, i won't go into details of the night before. Needless to say, i walked home drunk and made lots of phone calls. I'm sorry, really.

I've been really snappy lately, towards my family, i don't know if anyone else has been experiencing this from me, but i'm sorry about that too. I guess i'm just angry.

I finished painting keith's christmas presant and took a few pictures outside using my new tripod/animal/knex. it's crazy beyond belief.

the christmas eve

i went shopping early this morning, bought my dad a gift and found a bunch of things on sale for myself. i bought a few shirts at old navy and some movies at best buy. The Life Aquatic will never cease to amaze me. At the current time im trying to get out of going to this party up the block with my parents at someone's house i dont know.

Here are my reasons to avoid it;
1.It's my day off from bullshitting with people i don't know and/or care to know.
2.I'm awkward, socially.
3.My wisdom tooth (singular, i have only one) is growing in.
4.I'm sick.
5.If i have to pretend to love my family for one more second i might have a mental breakdown.

Here are my reasons to go;
1.Free food

"I am going to fight it, but i'll let it live."

i haven't told you all, but i'm starting to write a short film inspired by ayearfollowingthebreakup
you might remember when i found this blog in the summer, well its inspired me to intertwine our creativeness in a screenplay. I've never talked to him before but maybe he'll like to read the script when i'm finished.

the work weekend

the working weekend is over!! saturday was 9 hours, today was 8, i am finally done! I had lots of visitors, some who i haven't seen in ages. Mike and Adam came to see me unexpectantly, i haven't seen them since June. Mike is going to be at Skyline next semester too, so i'll have someone to hang out with. Jesse stopped by too, which is unusual because he stays away from the mall. I'm really going to miss all the girls at work, some i've become really close with and i know that if we were never forced to be together we would've never been friends. I remember when i first met Cherry, i thought she hated me, and i never really talked to Erin much, but now we're good friends.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, but i don't have to work, HURRAH!

Not one person said "Happy Holidays" to me today, it was all "Merry Christmas", what if i was Jewish?

EDIT://11.24pm
do you want to know why i really i hate the holidays? because it brings out the fucking worst in human nature.
if i'm suddenly rude to my mom she calls me ungrateful, she hasn't fucking given me anything yet and she calls me ungrateful. People buy you things to use it against you, its fucking stupid and i wish i didn't have to buy shit for my family i know they'll return anyways.
I fucking hate her so much, we haven't gotten along since i was 12 and i have a feeling this will never end. Coming home to her for the past 5 years isn't scary or anything, its fucking ridiculous. her rules and logic never make any fucking sense. i bought her something nice for christmas to show her that i give a fuck sometimes when she talks, now i wish i hadn't bought her anything.
Shes ungrateful for not being humble to the fact that I, and everyone else in this fucking house, put up with her idiot antics every god damn day.

the womyn's coats

i skipped a post, ironically on the day when i needed to release my inner frustrational energy. (write that down, i just invented "frustrational")

i spent almost all day with keith, roaming around eating pizza almost buying lots of crazy uneeded things. I bought some books though, we saw a horrible movie, The Savages. We sat by the ice rink in Embarcadero and talked and listened and sort of solved a manic problem i conjured in 5 minutes. My brain sometimes, is no use to me.

this picture sums up everything i love, San Francisco and You.

the cake

i was covered in cake for 9 hours today, my friends brought it and coated me in it.
That was after i accidentally offended everyone in my economics class during my final presentation.
all in all, an extremely long day.

tomorrow is my last day of high school, i will cry.

the words

someone was really harsh to me today, a friend. what they said made me cry, but it needed to be heard, i needed someone to say it to me.
everything will suck for while, but i need to face it.

im really sad to be leaving my friends at school, only 2 days left.

Jesse and I finished our final video.

the numbness

its freezing, good thing i was inside all day at work.

went in in the morning, came out in the night.
Got left.
thought someone stole money from me, but it was just my brain.
bought Jesse a christmas present on a whim.
learned how to count to three in 5 languages.

Bought 4 movies last night, watched two. I have a final to do today.
-Science of Sleep
-Eternal Sunshine
-Memoirs of a Geisha
-Virgin Suicides

"baby don't go away, please."

the pants

im disgusting,
my brain is falling apart,
and i don't know what to do.

the overwhelming days

whoever you knew you could feel everything you've never wanted to feel, at once?
I have 4 days of high school left, forever, and im scared out of my mind. I'm have absolutely no time to do any of my finals, im stressed. My group in Economics has diminished to me doing all the work because no one cares or shows up. These last two days i've just needed someone to talk to, someone to hold my hand, someone lie with. I called Jake crying last night, i didn't know who else to talk to.

No more soccer in p.e., no more ceramics, no more Jesse in Film class, or Nick in Drama. I've thrown myself into growing up, this is what i've been wanting, to leave all those stupid people behind and forget high school, move on. I can"t do this.

Im so depressed and and scared and stressed and its these days when i wish i could've just been invisible.

the dust

she might not've had the internet back in her day, but we connect on a heartbreaking level today.

left in the dust in the dust in the dust in the dust.
sometime more likely later than sooner, i'll get over the fact that girls can never see the line I've drawn around you. They never know when they've crossed it. I give up on getting mad over this, its not solving anything, clearly, and I don't think its funny.

i talked to Jake for 40 minutes last night, kept me up, and then i passed out around 12:30. I went over to Jesse's to do our final for film after school, we took five hours to watch boogie nights and go through each other's shit.

I've been listening to Butterfly all week, i can't get over how beautiful this song is.
"Maybe I need fantasy
Life of chasing butterfly"
when i stop being a jerkoff about fixing and getting back on my guitar, i'll play it and sing it to myself.

I tried to listen to Campfire Kansas today, i still can't without crying. It reminds me of a really happy time in my life, and also moving away. We cried to that song.

the official day

today i officially, and formally, quit my tiresome job. believe me, it was for the best. 1 year 3 months slaving for people who hate me for being apart of their Manila away from Manila. I officially finished reading Running With Scissors at around 1 in the morning, it was really funny, i wouldn't call it a favorite though, more of just a casual 3-day-read.
This morning i was so angry about how stressed i was that i shed a tear in my film class, no one saw it though. Jesse was there to make me laugh, so things got better. I finished the first firing stage of my mosaic in ceramics, and i will hopefully have it done (glazed, glued, and grouted) by next Thursday.

Congrats to West 44 by the way!!

the 505

(Im glad i cooled down a few minutes before i wrote this because i was about to go on a rampage about how much i hate everything about living in the same house with toddlers and seniles.)

Maybe moving here wasn't such a good idea, i've met some great people and everything, but if i just would've stayed i wonder how much different my life would've turned out. Before the summer of Junior year, i wish they would've never messed up my schedule so i wouldn't have gotten mad and made this impulsive decision. I missed Jake a lot today, just us hanging out watching cartoons and fucking around in his room while he played the drums. Its been a while since i felt comfortable in one place, and thats the last time i remember feeling like myself. I don't feel like i've grown, i feel like i've stayed the same person, regression, moving here has stuck me in a lull of growing.

I miss sitting in my green room on my big bed or at my stupid computer desk i put together the same night that i realized how great Mates Of State were. Or seeing hot air balloons every morning. I miss my dog we had to give away, the one that i loved, he was mine, sleeping in my room with his head on my lap while i sent a million text messages to Jake about how i refused to get him n00ds of my cousin. I miss the unusual snow, and the way my garage door got stuck when it was too cold. Or eating green chili on anything, absolutely anything. Or attempting to make cupcakes in my orange/baby blue fiesta kitchen. Or that one day my dad tried to kill Jake, and the whole rest of the days when we talked about it. Or playing with goldie and getting driven home on that dark unpaved Corrales road.

I miss living in the middle of nowhere with no where to go or any places to be. (except maybe stealing a cake from cold stone)

"I told you I would return
When the robin makes his nest
But I ain't never coming back
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry"

Today, crying, was the only thing i was okay with.

the ridiculous finals

i have a performance final for both Drama and Film, that asshole is making us do the same project in both classes. I despise doing poetry slams, poetry makes me want to kill myself most of the time, i just don't like it. I'd rather read you an excerpt from a book that meant something real without the use of metaphors.

You know what else i'd like? For someone to play and sing me Butterfly by Weezer, i think i'd die if anyone ever did. My hair has grown so i can put it up now, its so weird. Today i'm feeling a little out of it, like im not really here, im just breathing and walking, an empty basket if you will.
My top artist on Last.Fm this week was Sufjan Stevens! p.s. Eisley sucks, i can't believe i used to actually listen to this. Awkward Things I Say To Girls hasn't updated in a while, i'm getting a bit anxious. I wonder how many times i can change the subject in one paragraph.



I got a Christmas card in the mail today from Candace! I love you!

the belittlement

no one has ever made me feel like such a worthless piece of shit, like you did today. Mom, one day you'll know that i've been going through more shit in the last 3 years than you could ever comprehend. My job is not a joke, and my life is not a joke, no matter how much saying it makes you feel better about yourself. I'll better than you, someday soon.

Baby, all i want is for some sort of magic to lift you up and keep you safe. My hands can only reach so far, please be careful. I love you more than you'll ever know.

the christmas playlist!

i made this cover!
as far as my "Happy Fucking Holdiays" playlist goes, its coming along nicely. some of the artists are a tad lame, but necessary. you cannot get enough of a blink-182 christmas. i am not done compiling this list! im only on page 21 of absolutepunk.net's christmas music thread!

my favorites are in bold!!

Adam Sandler-Hanukkah Song
Beck-Little Drum Machine Boy
Belle&Sebastian-The Twelve Days of Christmas
Ben Kweller-Rock of Ages
Blink-182-I Won't Be Home for Christmas
Blink-182-Happy Holidays, You Bastard
Bright Eyes-Blue Christmas
Bright Eyes-White Christmas
Cartel-Rocking Around the Christmas Tree
Casiotone For the Painfully Alone-Cold White Christmas
Cindy Lauper-Santa Baby
Chris Walla-Coventry Carol
Coldplay-Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
Copeland-Do You Hear What I Hear?
Death Cab For Cutie-Christmas(Baby Please Come Home)
The Decemberists-Please Daddy(Don't Get Drunk This Christmas)
The Format-Holly Jolly Christmas
Good Charlotte-Christmas By the Phone
Hanson-Merry Christmas Baby
Hellogoodbye-Winter Wonderland
Joey Ramone-Merry Christmas(I Don't Want To Fight Tonight)
Joey Ramone-What A Wonderful World
John Lennon-Happy Xmas (War Is Over)
My Chemical Romance-All I Want For Christmas Is You
Pedro The Lion-The First Noel
Phantom Planet-Winter Wonderland
Phantom Planet-Carol Of the Bells
Ramones-A Punk Rock Christmas
Rooney-Merry Xmas Everybody
Run DMC-Christmas In Hollis
Rilo Kiley-Xmas Cake
Sufjan Stevens-That Was the Worst Christmas Ever!
Sufjan Stevens-Holy, Holy, Holy
Weezer-The Christmas Song
Weezer-Christmas Celebration
Wham!-Last Christmas(I Gave You My Heart)- - ->completely necessary.
White Stripes-Candy Cane Children
Zooey Deschanel & Leon Redbone-Baby Its Cold Outside

any suggestions?

i will upload this to rapidshare sometime soon, look out for it!

the mickey avalon attraction

its so weird, i have no idea where on earth this comes from. i find him oddly attractive in the freakiest nastiest sort of ways. i think it might be the tattoos and the whole "fuck you i fuck everything that walks i used to be a prostitute" thing. Seriously, the man has "Thank You" tattooed above his penis.

the weezer reunion

i can finally listen to Weezer again without feeling like a total dick, don't ask.
So i spent all day listening to Pinkerton, then during babysitting we cleaned up listening to The Beatles.

in an effort to bring some christmas into my life this season, i started making a christmas playlist. Which consists of Bright Eyes, and Sufjan Steven's holiday albums and a few festive tracks by Mew, Casiotone for the Painfully Alone, and Death Cab. Death Cab For Cutie's version of "Christmas(Baby Please Come Home)" completely says how i feel about now.

i woke up this morning to 7 text messages from people i care about, it cheered me up. I woke up sad, it was completely ridiculous and Anita was sad too so we had a sad rainy day.

i made 110 tax free dollars babysitting for 6 hours. Which means watching Shrek, eating Chinese food, and watching SLC Punk! after they fell asleep. Compared to this, my real job is complete hell.

I have to study for my economics test right quick, but incase you were wondering the Daft Punk helmet i made in ceramics is done. Here is the rest of the world's first glance!(It cracked, i know.)

the hiatus

sorry its been a few days. i seriously haven't had time enough for sleep, let alone updating this unread blog!

I went to the pre screening of Juno monday night at Embarcadero Theater which was completely amazing, expecially when Michael and Ellen sang in the end, it was so adorable. Definitely one my favorites of 2007. I got a whole bunch of free things too, shirts, pens, stickers.

I've been working and schooling non-stop the last two days, napping in the car on the way to and from, i wish i was joking. I went to the dentist yesterday in between school and work, horrible bloody experience. and when i say bloody, i don't mean it in the European sense of the word, i mean actual blood was involved, from my mouth.

some people really disgust me in how much they involve themselves in other people's lives, i mean seriously, its getting creepy.

tomorrow i will be babysitting all day after school.

my knees are all fucked up again.


The Long Goodbye-El Scorcho(Weezer Cover) oh how i love you more and more michael cera..

the 24 hours of Michael Cera

i had an 8 hour shift at work today, got home around nine and decided to finish up watching season 2 of arrested development. (my favorite episode so far has been s2ep16) When i get home from school tomorrow i'll watch season 3, its fairly short. Then at 6 we'll leave to see the Juno screening at Embarcadero Theater! I couldn't be more excited. Maybe i'll throw in a couple Clark & Michael episodes during ceramics when i have nothing to do...

the first day of the christmas month

look how happy he is now that the tree is up!
if everyday was like today, seeing you, loving you, kissing you, squeezing you; i'd never have any excuse to be angry or sad. i know every time we make fun of each other its out of pure love! its hard not being able to see you very often, but its days like these that make up for all of the time we spend apart. i love San Francisco, especially when its cold, but i love you more. one day we'll be able hang around in our basketball shorts watching movies, reading books, building things out of silly putty, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes whenever you want to.

i love you so much