The Permit

The DMV loves me and gave me my permit. I passed my test and only missed 4 ridiculous ones. I know I'm a little old for a permit, but I have never driven on a freeway. My mom is letting me drive all over the place now and it's such a blast. It sucks having her in the car next to me the entire time because all she does is "watch this," or "watch that" or "check your mirrors!" She was telling me some bullshit while I was pulling into a parking space in a shopping center and I pressed the gas instead of the brake, good thing I have excellent reflexes. Bitch is a huge distraction! People cut you off in the ridiculous lanes in Half Moon Bay and it's soooo scary.

The Flames

I watched a house burn down today a few blocks from my house. They aren't sure what started it, but it's pretty sad to pull up a chair and watch a family's entire life go up in flames. I had a fire in my house when I was younger, thats why my baby book has all kinds of black shit on it. I've been listening to Ceremony a lot in the past few days, so when my dad and I saw the smoke all i could think of was "Kersed."

"Pack your fists full of hate take a swing at the world,
these kids stick to themselves carry angst in their words,
where we'll never be a part of this cursed fucking town,
so we stand amongst ourselves watch it burn to the ground,
burn to the fucking ground."

As much as i felt saddened by the tragedy going on in front of me, i could only concentrate on the kids I went to high school with standing behind me laughing and taking pictures. They had no respect for the situation in front of them, crying babies, exhausted firemen, the whole nine yards. I hate this place, and everyone in it.

The Nails

My mom painted my nails the other night a pretty ballet shoe color, she hasn't painted my nails since Junior Prom. She does this shit for a living, i should probably let her do it more often.

My hands are ugly as fuck, but so is your mother.

and check it out! im naked! just kidding, this strapless dress matches my eyes..

The Let Go

I'd like to punch you in the fucking face. What happened between me and Jake happened almost three fucking years ago. I don't feel guilty, I never did, and I don't give a fuck what you think about it. I have had absolutely nothing to do with you since we broke up almost a year and a half ago, and you can't fucking let go of something I did when I was 15. We weren't fucking married. I don't understand how your friends think they have the right to say such horrible things about people involved in a situation that wasn't and still isn't, any of their fucking business.

I fucking hate you and every fucking person you know. I hope you die in a pool of your own drug filled misery you stupid fucking bastard.

I might be scum of the earth, but I'm not afraid or ashamed to say I love Jake with all of my wretched heart. Always have, and always will.

The Descendents

Nothing With You is one of the sweetest songs ever, it was on the playlist Jake made for me. Yes, he can be sweet sometimes, don't tell anyone.

Listening to The Descendents makes me want to have children. Not at this exact moment, but sometime in the future. Just so that they will one day do/make something just as fucking awesome as this band.

U.S. Royalty by Hot Rod Circuit is also very sweet, and pretty much how i've been feeling lately.

"I will stand with my arms suspended 'til i hold you close.
break down those walls between us, let's be exposed.
just say what you want to, make it heartfelt.
is it selfish of me to keep you to myself?"

The Effort

Even with the lack of effort you give, one conversation was all it took to stop me from being angry with you. I miss you more than anything.

I'm sick of all this waiting, I've never been so bored in my life.

Found some sick quotes:

"There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won’t anymore, and who always will. So don’t worry about people from your past, there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future." -unknown

"Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetery"-Malcom X

The Remaining

I am super not down with chasing you around with phone calls anymore. We never talk unless I call you and I'm fucking pissed. Even when we do talk its just for 5 minutes, why is everything different now?

I know I'm not your girlfriend, fuck. I love you but I'm always crying over you for no reason. I wish all this shit wasn't so complicated.

my mom brought me home a cool jacket for the rain(?), but I'm still all angry. I swear I'll be listening to Ceremony for the next 24 hours.

The Mystery Medication

I went to see my doctor a few days ago, i just had questions about my ridiculous stomach and my panic attacks. She doesn't think I have acid reflux, which is exciting, but she does think it ties into my anxiety. She prescribed to me something called Ativan which i had never heard of. After looking it up online, i wanted to kill her. I asked her if the drug was addictive and she said "not particularly". Turns out, it's highly addictive and I want absolutely nothing to do with it.

"Memory functioning is markedly and measurably impaired, especially the ability to store acquired knowledge into long-term memory. This memory impairment is highly relevant to students. The risk of acute amnesia is more pronounced with short-acting drugs. Ativan (lorazepam), Halcion (triazolam), Xanax (alprazolam) and Rohypnol (flunitrazepam) are especially likely to induce such memory impairment." DrugRehab.net

This doctor was recommended to my family because of how easily she gives out prescriptions, and now I have experienced this for myself. I would rather deal with my anxiety and anger than poison myself with this awful medication.

My body freaks the fuck out under stress, but i'd rather feel it than feel nothing at all.

The Laziness

little sister's fifth birthday party, park, beach, phone calls, sunburned, lazy, exhausted.

The Greatest Luck

I'm not telling anyone. The only people who know are my family and Jake. As much as I want to brag and jump for the greatest joy about this, I'm keeping it all to myself.

The Return of Inspiration

With every silent year that passes I am reminded by every grey hair and every tiny wrinkle that the spark she holds beneath the bones in her delicate skin will fade until the light in her heart will completely fade. It should be too soon for me to see only empty pools of blue when I look into her eyes. Eyes that have seen the darkest of days, and the brightest of nights. She's become the ghost of a woman that I saw as my only shield to protect me from the thing's I feared. As my anxiety has grown stronger she has become transparent, no longer the steel wall she built using only the strength in her deepest instincts that only a mother could ever possess. About six years ago, our blossoming field of flowers grew a tree. We grew a tall trunk, bursting full of branches with every new person who entered our lives. Her branch continued one way and mine continued another. The hollowness within her limbs that I once filled was replaced by a flick of her wrist and binding a legal document. Marriage and children became her only desire while I was still left with questions about why one of my chickens had abandoned the egg.

We grew apart, we are growing apart. My twigs grew together to create the being who is occuping my body, the fiend who is controlling my mind, my anger. My fragile sprout grew shaken from the very start, only to develop into something I can't sometimes control. She was there to watch the fire in my eyes evolve, and offered me things that could only be given by men in white coats and patent leather shoes. No capsule can quiet the rage that burns inside of my mind some days. Just like before when no man could seperate our roots that grew intertwined.

Now that her petals are falling and her stem is wilting, she needs me to lift the weight from above her falling sky that has not seen sun in months. But now the time has come for me to leave and begin my own bed of roses.

The Interview

I had my first job interview in 2 years today. It went well and they
offered me the position but gave me time to decide if I want to take out
my nose ring or not. Which I don't. It seems retarded to turn down a job
just because of a piercing but it's apart of me now, and has been for
the last 3 years. What I'm going to do is accept the position and wear a
retainer which is basically a clear stud. The only problem is that
changing the jewlery in my nostril has always been difficult, it never
fully healed properly. I don't mind having to keep the retainer in for
the next 5 months, as long as they don't mind.
All of my stomach problems have returned now that I'm back from
Portland, and I'm diagnosing myself with stress. I've lost ten pounds in
the last two weeks from stress, which is both a blessing and a curse in
disguise, as it is obviously damaging to my health. Those don't include
the 8 I lost when I went to New Mexico and the 5 I gained when I came
back. Although it is nice to be losing weight without doing anything, it
is extremely mentally and physically straining. Apart of this 'illness'
includes being nauseated all hours of the day and especially the night.
Needless to say, it is a terrifing life for an emetophobic.

I've got too much to think about, and way too much to do.

The Girl

I miss you :[

The Long Way Home

Twyla and I are heading back from our road trip tomorrow morning.
We had such a blast, i can't believe it's almost over. Unfortunately, we can't escape the drama from back home even when we're hundreds of miles away.
This whole trip has given me time to think about how my life might turn out, and it can go pretty much any way I want it to.

Trevor and Twyla make me miss Jake a lot.

The Odd

I haven't found much time to update, there are too many things to write
about. We've pretty much just shopped for the last three days. We headed
over to Vancouver, Washington to find some shopping but didn't find much
besides sketchy dudes and a grimey mall.
I feel a bit odd today, and grown up. I got pissed out of nowhere and
ranted non-stop about my plans for the future. I miss Jake so much, I
just want to see him if only for 5 minutes.

The Update

I haven't had much time to update from the road trip. We've been thrashing up Oregon for the last two days, and so far we're having a total blast.

Gotta run!

The Missing

I am completely scared out of my mind right now. I don't know where you
are or if you're okay. Its okay if you don't want to talk I just want to
know you're alright.

I've never been so worried about someone else. I love you, I want you to
be okay.

The Goodnight

I feel like a selfish jerk. I worried about you for a reason, and now I know why. I have good instincts.

I'm leaving for Chico tomorrow morning, and for Oregon on Monday. I'm so excited to see Twyla and start the adventure of a lifetime. I packed an excessive amount of shit and I am prepared to wear all of it. I just took a lot of Nyquil and I can feel it settling in my stomach, goodnight! This will be my last post from San Francisco for 9 days!

The Sick

I've been sick in bed since 9 o'clock last night. It is now 6:54 on a Friday night, and I am in bed trying not to vomit and sneeze all over myself.

Leaving for the road trip in two days, tomorrow is packing day, and Sunday morning i hit the road for Chico. Monday morning Twyla and I leave for Oregon. I am excited beyond belief, and I can't wait to be on the road. I just hope i've gotten over my 'summer cold'.

The Inch

The days are inching and inching by until the road trip. I really can't wait another day. I miss my family and being with someone who i can trust. I really want to take the time to thank my grandparents for being my rocks throughout my entire life while i'm up there too. Twyla and I are planning something nice.

I was feeling awful all day, i think i've caught my brother's cold. I wanted to trick my body out of being sick so i went swimming next door. Our neighbor told us to come over whenever we want so now, we do. They have a water slide! If i would've know that, i'd have been there everyday since the beginning of summer.


In other awesome news, a company expressed an interest in my resume that i sent out last night. They are a self-serve frozen yogurt place. The manager asked me for my availability earlier this afternoon, I'm just waiting to hear back. Although it is in a mall, its not the mall i used to work at, which i despise. And its also brand new, it hasn't even opened yet!

The Sink or Swim

My sister has the stomach flu, so i've spent as much time outside of the house as possible today, which is weird for me i never leave this place. Unfortunately, i don't think i've escaped the virus, i've felt nauseous since i woke up. I've also been very angry since i woke up, for not apparent reason.
I'm tired of bantering to you about the same teenage bullshit, my parents hate me, i can't wait to move out of here in 5 months blah blah blah, it seems almost incessant. Unfortunately this post will be no different.

I feel like i am punished for being out of the house. I get yelled at when i stay home all day, i get yelled at when i leave, i have yet to find a healthy medium. They will regret being so rude to me after i have gone and when we talk we will have nothing to talk about, there will be nothing to yell at me for. I am stressing about finding a job, the cleaners already found someone, and i haven't gotten a call on the 4 applications I filled out last week. Finding a job is a sink or swim thing for me, if i get one, i can leave and live my own life. If i don't find one soon enough, i get stuck here for god knows how long it'll take me to save up for an apartment.

The fact that I am extremely impatient, does not help. I was I was in New Mexico now, going to shows, kicking it with Megin Taylor, and most of all, being happy and being myself. I'm tired of feeling like an outcast in my own house, I am no better and no worse than anyone else in this family.

The Dream?

I was half awake this morning in the living room watching Bear in the Big Blue House with my little brother when my mom asks me to make a list of things that i need and want for my road trip this coming Sunday. I honestly thought i was dreaming when she said "want." I only remembered it now when i sat down to make a list of things i need to get done within the next few weeks. I will make a list here of things that I want and need for our glory-filled excursion.

Needs
Food/Snacks(im just throwing random things out there)
-Golfish
-Sandwich ingredients
-Will otter pops melt in a cooler?
-Bagel chips (yummm)
*Aloe Vera Gel (I peel even when i have sunblock on!)
Wants
*New Tank Tops, i haven't bought any since i moved to Pacifica, its too cold!
*It'd be sick if she would buy me new 7/16"g plugs, but i know thats not happening. She thinks I'm still at a 0g.
*A cool hat

Of course when my mom wants to buy me things, i can't think of anything. When we were talking in the car yesterday she also told me we need to sit down and make a plan of things I'll need for the apartment in New Mexico, we'll take random trips to Ikea and start collecting things. Where is all this generosity coming from!?

The Exhaustion Rollercoaster

I have felt two moods today.
Complete exhaustion/frustration/anger

and then completely hopeful.

I woke up at 9 to run some errands with my mom, trying to get my sleep schedule back on track. I went to sleep at 4am because i was watching MTV Juvies. I run better on less sleep though, its weird. I argued with my mom as usual on the way home, she happens to find something about me to bitch about. Even if it happened last week or two years ago, I'll hear about it for the rest of my life. She thinks i still feel the same way about things as i did when i was 15, which is not true. I'm angrier.



I was texting Twyla for most of the time talking about the road trip, i can't even explain how fun its going to be. It gives me hope that life will be better, someday. Too bad i'm going to be jerked around by my family for the next 6 days.
I talked to Jake last night after a very boring day full of a harry potter marathon. he doesn't even have to speak to make me laugh i swear to you. I miss him terribly although i will see him here on my stomping grounds in a few weeks. Just thinking of him saying "i loooove youuu" makes me smile, i haven't stopped feeling like a 12 year old girl around him since we met.

The Plugs

aren't these the most beautiful things you've ever seen? too bad they only come in 00g :[ One Tribe makes some of the most awesome body jewelry i've ever seen, and the price is not as high as i would've expected it to be. I think i'll only go up to 5/8", which is only two sizes bigger than what i've got now. I'm currently "tape-stretching" my right lobe up to 7/16" just like my left one. I stretched my left one to 7/16" about a year ago and never did the other side because it was too painful, so I'm taking the slow route with taping it now. I've tried and tried but i cannot for the life of me get the taper through!

The Stupidity

My paranoia will never let go of me. I'm going to regret sending that message in the morning. I feel like a stupid jealous girlfriend, although I am not a girlfriend, I am stupid and jealous.

The Unnecessary

I really wish i could get my dad to speak to me other times of the day besides when i am doing something wrong. he only speaks to me to yell at me, or be an asshole, and i'm tired of being his scapegoat. my mom says hes stressed and angry, he's told her that. so why do I get the brunt of it? he yells at me for things that don't even make sense! This morning i was watching tv in my room, not bothering anyone, and he comes in to ask if i like 'living' or ever leaving my room for absolutely no reason. It sucks that i'm the black sheep in this family and i get nothing but shit simply for being alive. I can't wait to see his face when i tell him i'm moving back to New Mexico by choice, last night i had to listen to him bitch to our new neighbors about how Albuquerque is hell on earth.

He'll be sorry when i'm gone, there will be no one left to mentally and emotionally tear down for his own personal enjoyment.

Road trip in 9 days, working tonight, thank god. Heres a better picture of the work i got done on my tattoo the other day, peep those tan lines!

The 4th of July

I thought it was going to suck, but i had some good sober fun.

i ate a weird ass pineapple ice cream thing..


blowin shit up





took some family pictures





made some pictures with sparklers







I persuaded mike to get slurpees with me. then i drowned him in my flash



slurpee machine. now that i'm not sick as much, its like heaven to me.



mike getting a slurpee



i made mine a volcano, or bile oozing blood.


with our merchandise



i drank that entire slurpee and got silly with my moms after she let me do her makeup!




i think shes trying to stab me in this one?


we look all high hahaha

The Ultimate Playlist

166 songs, 9 hours 3 seconds. I am missing some songs that'll make us go OHHH SHITTT preferably some rap songs or something.


Pints of Guinness Make You Strong Against Me!
Banned in D.C. Bad Brains
Girls Beastie Boys
No Sleep Till Brooklyn Beastie Boys
Depression Black Flag
Dumpweed Blink 182
Don't Leave Me Blink 182
Going Away To College Blink 182
The Party Song Blink 182
Anthem Part Two Blink 182
The Rock Show Blink 182
Roller Coaster Blink 182
Reckless Abandon Blink 182
Back To Oregon Broadway Calls
A Rush And A Push And The Land Is Ours Broadway Calls
Say Anything (Else) Cartel
Honestly Cartel
He-God-Has Favored Our Undertakings Ceremony
Kersed Ceremony
I Want To Put This To An End Ceremony
Every Word Champion
With You Chris Brown
Forever Chris Brown
West Coast Coconut Records
Digital Love Daft Punk
Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger Daft Punk
No Sunlight Death Cab For Cutie
Cath... Death Cab For Cutie
Work Is Never Over Diplo
Fergalicious Fergie
London Bridge Fergie
Big Girls Don't Cry Fergie
Cardellini Fireworks
Michigan Boys Need To Get A Clue Fireworks
Heroes Get Remembered, Legends Never DieFour Year Strong
Catastrophe Four Year Strong
Waiting Room Fugazi Fugazi 13 Songs
Bad Mouth Fugazi Fugazi 13 Songs
Campfire Kansas The Get Up Kids
Jason's Basement The Gossip
Standing In The Way Of Control The Gossip
MMMBop Hanson
Weird Hanson
I Will Come to You Hanson
Armed With A Mind Have Heart
Something More Than Ink Have Heart
Boxcar Jawbreaker
Do You Still Hate Me? Jawbreaker
Move Your Feet Junior Senior
Can I Get Get Get Junior Senior
D.A.N.C.E. Justice
DVNO Justice
We Are Your Friends Justice vs. Simian
Señorita Justin Timberlake
Like I Love You Justin Timberlake
Cry Me a River Justin Timberlake
Rock Your Body Justin Timberlake
All falls Down (Feat. Syleena Johnson) Kanye West
Stronger Kanye West
Flashing Lights (Ft. Dwele) Kanye West
Hey Mama Kanye West
Fractures Killing The Dream
Thirty Four Seconds Killing The Dream
Smile Lily Allen
Littlest Things Lily Allen
Sunshowers M.I.A.
Galang M.I.A.
Paper Planes M.I.A.
Jane Fonda Mickey Avalon
Capricornations Mika Miko
Business Cats Mika Miko
I Don't Wanna Hear It Minor Threat
Betray Minor Threat
Look Back And Laugh Minor Threat
Out Of Step Minor Threat
D.E.A.D.R.A.M.O.N.E.S. Modern Life Is War
Everything Is Alright Motion City Soundtrack
Hold Me Down Motion City Soundtrack
Spiderwebs No Doubt
Excuse Me Mr. No Doubt
Just A Girl No Doubt
Nine In The Afternoon Panic At The Disco
Northern Downpour Panic At The Disco
Folkin' Around Panic At The Disco
I Write Sins Not Tragedies Panic At The Disco
I Constantly Thank God For Esteban Panic At The Disco
Build God, Then We'll Talk Panic At The Disco
Misery Business Paramore
Hollow Place Polar Bear Club
Another Night in the Rock Polar Bear Club
Burned Out in a Jar Polar Bear Club
Such Great Heights The Postal Service
Stand Out Powerline
I 2 I Powerline
Whoo! Alright-Yeah...Uh Huh The Rapture
Be My Escape Relient K
Umbrella (Feat. Jay-Z) Rihanna
Don't Stop The Music Rihanna
Hate That I Love You (Feat. Ne-Yo) Rihanna
The Good That Won't Come Out Rilo Kiley
Deeper Than Inside Rites Of Spring
For Want Of Rites Of Spring
Blueside Rooney
I'm Shakin' Rooney
Sell My Old Clothes, I'm Off To Heaven Saves The Day
A Drag In D Flat Saves The Day
Take Our Cars Now! Saves The Day
Take You There Sean Kingston
Beautiful Girls Sean Kingston
Work In Progress Set Your Goals
Mutiny! Set Your Goals
An Old Book Misread Set Your Goals
To Be Continued... Set Your Goals
Don't Let This Win Over You Set Your Goals
Caring Is Creepy The Shins
New Slang The Shins
Australia The Shins
Turn on Me The Shins
Pheasant Shook Ones
Bad Year Shook Ones
Sexual Eruption Snoop Dogg
Oregon Girl Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin
Think I Wanna Die Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin
Fat Lip Sum 41
Motivation Sum 41
In Too Deep Sum 41
Vehicle City The Swellers
Bottles The Swellers
This Is My Everest The Swellers
Bartender (Feat. Akon) T-Pain
Cute without the E(cut from the team) Taking Back Sunday
Alex In Wonderland This Time Next Year
Cheers To A Late Night This Time Next Year
Sweetest Air (Acoustic) This Time Next Year
3 O'Clock This Time Next Year
Sands of Bougainville This Time Next Year
A Place For You This Time Next Year
Pop The Glock Uffie
Ready To Uff Uffie
Brand New Car Uffie
A-Punk Vampire Weekend
The New Fury Verse
Signals Verse
Scream Verse
Blind Salvation Verse
Hard to Breathe Verse
Start a Fire Verse
My Name Is Jonas Weezer
Buddy Holly Weezer
Surf Wax America Weezer
Say It Ain't So Weezer
Photograph Weezer
Island In The Sun Weezer
Keep Fishin' Weezer
Across The Sea Weezer
The Good Life Weezer
El Scorcho Weezer
Falling For You Weezer
Hotel Yorba The White Stripes
Fell In Love With A Girl The White Stripes
Keystone State Dude-Core The Wonder Years
'Bout To Get Fruit Punched, Homie The Wonder Years
My Geraldine Lies Over The Delaware The Wonder Years
All Came Undone 7 Seconds
This Is Temporary 7 Seconds
Rules To Follow 7 Seconds

The Set Back

I don't think he wants me to go.

The Persuasive

I am highly persuasive.

Last night i stayed up late putting together my plan to move back to New Mexico. I found a job that I could work at until December, and calculated all the money i would need to move out there, the bare minimum being $3,000, but i'm trying to get around $5,000 just in case of an emergency. I drew out a monthly plan of August to January making a goal for every week.

I plan to have a job by the end of July, my license and a bank account by the end of August, a car by November, go searching for apartments in December and get all my shit together and drive out there (with my mom for some help) and move in with Megin Taylor the first week of January. Yeah, you read that right, with my mom. I persuaded her with my game plan and good looks to actually be alright with me going back. I am going to work so incredibly hard for the next few months its ridiculous.

The job at the Dry Cleaners is so perfect, from 8:30 in the morning until 3:30 in the afternoon, that leaves me enough time in the day to do other things, or possibly get a second job. I'm really nervous about going for a job again, i'm really shy and introverted, but i am determined and I have to put on my confidence face for a bit.

The Outline

I went to finish up some of the tattoo today, i thought we'd get to the color but i couldn't sit any longer. I really like how its coming to life now though, its not just an outline anymore.

Speaking of outlines, i have an outline of the next few months maybe. If i don't get into Boston, which i don't see happening at all, this is how its going to go.

August till December work full-time, save money, get my license and move back to New Mexico in January, apply to UNM for the spring semester and find a roommate or live by myself. If i don't get into UNM i'll just go to CNM for spring semester and go through the summer to make up for the previous fall semester. This idea seems more sensible, at the same time difficult, but more enjoyable for me. I'll be able to afford my own place there, but i'll have to take out student loans. If i work full time, i'll probably make about 600 on my paychecks every two weeks, August to December i'd get about 10 paychecks equaling out to about 6,000 dollars. I'll probably spend some of it here or there so i'm ball parking about 5,000. thats enough for food and rent for two months probably, and i'll spend the first two weeks of January looking for a job there and then go to school. I'll probably get a cat or something.

The God Awful

I'm back from New Mexico, and I'm extremely sad. I cried the whole way back starting from the car ride to the airport, until i walked in my room and unzipped my suitcase.

I got in a huge argument with my mom about moving back, i knew she would flip out. She thinks the only reason I want to go back is for Jake, which is a huge plus, but is not the only reason. You already know how i feel about Albuquerque so i don't need to explain it again. I got so angry i threw my bag on the ground and screamed as loud as i could. I don't think she's ever seen me that upset and act that way. She just kept pushing and kneading the wrong buttons and i just snapped. I'm not really in a state to lay out my plans, i have a few more tweaks to work out, and i'm just trying to work through the next few weeks.

I miss Jake, sleeping alone will be tough.