The Decision

I've decided where I'm off to next. I'm pretty sure I'm going to shoot for San Diego's beach areas, I lived there as a kid and I'm looking forward to something mellow and charming. Its surprisingly cheaper than Santa Cruz, which i researched as well. No other cities really appealed to me, and I don't want to live in the Midwest. That cancels out a lot of places. I'm planning on getting a second job and getting the fuck out of here as soon as my lease is up. I'm not looking forward to moving again, but I am looking forward to something new. There seem to be plenty of food service jobs, and I want to try and sell some pies to local cafes, but theres a lot to be done before that.

I only have 300 or so more days left in New York. 6 months of that will be spent miserable again in the damn winter. The first thing I'm going to do when I get back is take my brother and sister to Disneyland!

The Weight

I feel like there is 1,000,000 pounds cozying up and making a home on my shoulders. There are people my age opening bakeries with money their parents gave them, or money they've been given because of a freak accident. It just doesn't make any sense, I've jumped through all the hoops, I've obeyed, yet I still don't get a fucking hand out. I want to open my tiny pie shop and nest my house full of cute things.

I got a letter in the mail saying that my absent father stopped making payments on the rest of my tuition last year. I owe them about 4,000 dollars now. I guess I was just too blind to see that people never change. He ruined my life from the beginning and now he's ruining my credit and making me poor. I also recently have been informed that i could die at any moment while driving my car because of the horrible rust underneath it. So now I'm car-less.

When am I going to getting a fucking break here? What the fuck must I do to stop life from fucking me so far up the ass that it makes me want to give up? Theres no way I can possibly fight back, except to be pissed off and sad that theres nothing i can do.

But I'll show you all. One day I'm going to have all that I want and get it by working hard. I wont take a hand out, I won't cut any corners. I am sick and tired of being shit on by everyone and everything in New York, I'm not going to take this anymore.

The Payment

The time has come for me to pay off my debt to a small town outside of Albany for all of the ridiculous tickets my hunk of shit car has acquired in the last six months. In the end of all this I'll have paid the town $150.00, and in my line of work money is hard to come by.
I'm getting sick of my job, maybe just bored not sick, but I am sick of being paid $8.00 an hour to do my boss's job and my own.

It has been recent news to me that my car is not worth fixing up, so the next step is borrowing a shit load of money from people who are obligated to like me through a disasterous marriage. Hopefully. If not, it looks like I'll be heading back west. I think it might be emotionally and physically draining for my family to have me back living there since I'm so set in my messy adult ways, I just can't bring myself to do it.

I don't know what it is, I just can't get happy. Maybe its the dullness of the days gone by but I am growing tired of waking up early, going to work, dealing with everyone else's problems, and then going to bed. I'm looking to get a second job once the cold creeps back in a few months, an extra hundred a week will get me back to the beach faster, I hope.

In other non-depressing news I'm thinking of starting up a food blog. I've been talking about it for a while now, but I'm finally getting some ideas together. Nothing fancy, just what I ate and where I ate it. With my witty imput of course! Maybe the occasional picture or two, when my computer crawls back from the dead I'll make the attempt.

The Hiatus

Sorry for the lack of posting, I've been in quite a bind for the last two months. Well I moved in, been living there for about a month and a half now, it's going pretty well. Milo is content and that's all I could ask for. I've learned not to expect much happiness in my life lately, so I'm just concerned with how comfortable my cat is.
Josh and I are no longer together, and that's a drag because not only did I lose my first real life love, I lost my best friend. The kind of best friend who doesn't put up with your shit and can read your thoughts. But he wants nothing to do with me so what can I do?
Things got out of hand at the last Graboids show, Connor got slapped and I got kicked in the back by said best friend. It honestly hurt much worse when he stabbed me in the back emotionally. But my back is fucked now, something about a pinched nerve sending pain down my left leg. What some people will do out of jealousy makes me fucking sick.

I'm planning my escape out of New York next June. I want to go back to San Diego but my budget is restricted and I won't make it alone, somewhere or anywhere else would be nice. There is nothing left for me to do in New York since I came here for Josh, so I'm ready to move on.

I'm making life work for now, just scooting by day by day. I wouldn't say I'm miserable but I'm broke, alone and pissed off.


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