The Helpless

The last two days I've been pulling my hair out. My Dad is still in the hospital, Jake could be sick, he's scared out of his mind and inconsolable, and surprise! I can't be there for either of them. I can't get my fucking mind off of any of it. At least Brad is visiting this weekend to take my mind off of it, which Jake is pissed about (understandably so) and I'm sure I'll be hearing about this for the next few years. I mean I would be completely furious if his ex-girlfriend stayed at his house for the weekend, making a road trip or not, so I can see where he's coming from. But the whole 'Brad and Me' thing happened almost 4 years ago.

I slept two hours last night, and had to get up for work at 7, came home and passed out at 9 and was awoken by non-stop text messages and phone calls for 30 minutes. So of course, now I'm awake and I can't fall back asleep. I watched Ace of Cakes and an awful/awesome movie called '200 Cigarettes' on TBS.f

Fuck it, I just can't win.

...but i trained myself to French-braid my own hair.

The Scare

Today has been one of the worst days of the year. My dad is in the hospital, and the doctors don't know whats wrong. For those of you who know my dad, you know he's a tough dude, he never goes to the doctor for anything. I'm really afraid that something is dreadfully wrong, and I can't be there to console him or my mom.

I received other horrible news about 3 hours later, and I'm not sure how to deal with any of this.

If i lose either one of you, I swear, it will be the end of any hope I'll ever have.

The Tally

So I can't help but notice i've had 10,000 + views on this blog. If you haven't read it from beginning to end for the last year and a half i'll sum it up for you.

People are assholes, I hate everything, and I miss Jake.


P.s. Brad is coming to visit me for a little while on Thursday. I haven't seen this playa in 3 years, so stoked.

The Lady Bug

I caught this ladybug right before my mom told me a family friend died. I cannot believe how many people we know have died this year, Uncle Frank just two months ago. They have all died in the most twisted of fucking ways too.

This lady we knew who lived downstairs from my great grandma would always eat dinner with us, come to family things, and she was a regular customer at Sanrio when I worked there. I guess her doctor told her that her life would be at risk if she ever got pregnant again, she was on the birth control patch, got pregnant but didn't know it, six months later (this last week) she comes into the doctor feeling weird, turns out shes in labor. She has another son, goes into a coma and dies bleeding internally.

Life is so fucked up.

The Reminder

Some times I remind myself to do, or not to do, some things. Like, never eat candy past 11 because it makes me sick, always bring extra change for tax, and never watch romantic comedies.

I watched 27 dresses with my grandma tonight, and now I remember why I don't watch them. They bum me out every time because I know love and life never end up that way. This slowly trickles back to how much I hate life and everything in it.

My life will never be a romantic comedy, and I will never be as skinny as Katherine Heigl.

"I feel like I just found out my favorite love song was written about a sandwich."

The Day Five of Real Life

Day five.

I'm lonely.

The new job

It's a desk job.

I added labels to envelopes for 4 hours, and now I need a manicure.

The 2nd Day of Real Life

This is what I look like on Day Two of my real adult life. Fucking exhausted, and haggard.

I've been doing nothing but unpacking and unpacking and unpacking. I'm trying to figure out how New Mexico is going to work on the time schedule I made. I'm stressing out about paying rent and finding a job and going to school.

Life sucks, i miss my mom, Oregon is weird.

The Order Part 2

Ordered some stuff I shouldn't have.
Verse poster, Scared People Poster

The Road Again

I'm on the road again. This drive is awful, incredibly boring, it all
feels a little unreal. My sister wouldn't let me go, she clung to me
like a koala bear. A lot of crying happened, and I'm sad to leave but I
know I've got to start my own life, as much as I don't want to grow up.

The Baby Shoes

I went to run some errands with my Mom this morning and we ended up going to this place called 'Barely Worn,' a children's consignment store. I found these tiny red converse high tops for five dollars so I bought them.

Now I don't have kids, i don't plan on having kids for a really really really long time, but I got them just to have for the future. Maybe its a girl thing.

I'm getting really tired of listening to my step dad treat my mom like shit, every day it gets worse and worse. I don't want to leave her here with him, I'm afraid of the shit that will go down when I'm not here.

The Bleach

I'm blond.

The Gift

Christa gave me a gift today, one of the most sentimental and meaningful (and not to mention beautiful) ones I've ever received.

She told me a story about when she divorced her first husband, and how afterwards she felt lost, so she bought herself this necklace. It says "Please Return to Tiffany & Co." with its own serial number. She figured if she ever turned crazy and someone found her in the street, she'd hope that they would return her to Tiffany's. When her life turned around she stopped wearing it, and felt like she no longer needed it. She understands that I am going through a huge phase of feeling lost, (especially taking a huge leap with my future) this weekend, so she gave it to me, her 18-year-old-self. I admire her so much, and I hope that when I have grown older that I will encompass a lot of the qualities she possesses, truly an incredible friend and person. I'm going to miss her and the girls terribly.
I baked a vegan banana/raisin/pecan bread thing, it's delicious.


Today I got a quarter back in change from buying an Arizona lemon tea, and it was a New Mexico quarter, I think it's a sign that I'm headed on the right track.

And by the way, I'm moving to Portland for a few months on Saturday, and after that it's on to Albuquerque.

The Psychopath

I never thought I'd have to deal with someone like this.

I bet you think you've done something really clever, by talking to Jake and telling him all these wild stories about us "having sex" and how much I hate him. You are mentally insane, and you need some fucking help before I get to you, Jake gets to you, my family gets to, or the authorities get to you. I have enough evidence against you for a lengthy harassment suit, and I'm sure your girlfriend wouldn't be too stoked to hear about all the shit you've said, and also how you flew all the way out here just to meet me.

Jake is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, and if you ever decide to say another fucking word to him, my family, or me, I swear to god you'll be having fucking nightmares for decades after I ruin your entire life.

The Bella

My dog was totally into me today, usually she's a lazy bum.

The Lifeless

I don't know if I've ever felt so drained. Drained of every emotion i can possibly feel within a few hours. I am exhausted from thinking of you and not being able to see you if only for a few minutes. I hate not knowing whats going to happen with us, and it's driving me literally crazy.

I don't know what to do when I don't have the answers.

The Dependency

I'm depending way too much on him giving a shit about me 6 months from now. I can't expect him to wait around until I get my shit together and move out there. I'm afraid for the shit I'm going to face within the next year.

Sometimes I wish I never felt this way about you, and that we never met. I don't know if I could ever handle losing you for good. This is usually the point where I want to walk away, but I can't walk away from you.

I'm tired of living my life paranoid and afraid of everything.

The Boxes

Today I listed to Jawbreaker and went through the ex-boyfriend boxes. I need to return Keith's stuff so it was a good excuse to go through Ryan's box too. I remember Brad saw the box in my closet one time, with all the letters and pictures from my boyfriends in middle school and stuff, it was so funny. But anyways, going through Keith's box was easy, it was just filled with tons of bus transfers, movie tickets, a few cds and some of his comic books. Ryan's box I've been avoiding for over a year, i just don't like remembering how much of an asshole I am sometimes. I reread all the letters, i keep them because they make me laugh still.

Talked to my Grandma for an hour about tons of stuff. I'm about 95% sure I'm just going to go to hair school, i don't feel like pursuing any sort of future career, but if I have to I might as well do something I'm alright at. I've changed my mind so many times, but I'm positive I'll just take the easy way out. Plus it's in my blood, my mom is stoked on it, she's done nails for almost 18 years so having her first born in a salon is like destiny. I feel the most comfortable in a salon anyways, i took my first steps in one!

The Tough Skin

I wish I was as oblivious as Bosworth.

I've sort of built a tolerance to bullshit, but I can feel it starting to weigh down on me. I feel like I've been consistently sick for the last 3 weeks. No one talks in this house, every one yells and screams, having a decent conversation is highly unlikely, so i always have a headache.

I also feel like I'm becoming one of those whiny teens who is depressed because their parents hate each other and fight all the time. It's not even the fact that they fight, they've been fighting like this since before they were married 7 years ago, but it's that I have to listen to it because it's extremely annoying. The walls are paper thin downstairs so I can hear every single whisper. Its especially distracting when I'm trying to do shit. I'm also starting to fall into this insane routine that is driving me nuts.

When I don't have work, I go to sleep every night at nearly 4am, then I wake up at 12, sit around all fucking day on the computer or watching television that I'm sure is killing my brain by the second. I just have nothing to do, I don't watch my little brother and sister anymore because my Dad stays home now. But the thing is, is that I don't want to go anywhere. Well, I do want to go places but not with anyone. I don't want to see any of my friends, I just prefer to be alone. I don't have friends here anymore anyways, burned those bridges months ago. Literally everyone I know and trust lives somewhere else, and being around shitty people just makes me want to kill myself, so I just don't talk to or hang out with anyone.

I stopped taking pictures, quit taking walks, and stopped giving a fuck about anything or anyone. This has been going on since about February, so I'm used to it, but I miss having something to wake up for every day.

"Right here, all by myself
I aint got no one else
The situation is bleeding me
Theres no relief for a person like me

Depressions got a hold of me
Depression-i gotta break free
Depressions got a hold of me
Depressions gonna kill me

I aint got no friends to call my own
I just sit here all alone
Theres no girls that want to touch me
I dont need your goddamn sympathy..."
-Black Flag Depression

I wish Jake was here, or even better yet, I wish I was where he is. I just miss cuddling at night, it was so easy to fall asleep there.

The Hard Work

My job is so tough.

No but seriously, I have the easiest job in the world. I get to fuck around with the cutest little girls all day long, and I get paid slurpee benefits. Not to mention all the awesome food they have in their fridge. Its such a nice breath of fresh air to leave my house and watch these girls because they're so well behaved. They always listen and they like to help out, unlike my sister who is going through this major brat phase which in turn my brother has now picked up.

Mia, (the older girl pictured) is starting kindergarten this month, and I'm going to miss her! She'll be all grown up and she won't need me as much anymore. Just like Gully in Harriet the Spy :(

The Last Gasps

Everyone has been getting angry at me today for the dumbest reasons. I drove my drunk Dad home from a friends house and he complained about my driving all the way home, I should've made him walk.

I've been trying to draw for the last couple days and nothing is coming out right.

I'm just trying to take the last gasps of air, for sentimental reasons, nothing else. I really cannot wait another day until I leave this place.

Why the fuck is Shane West playing Darby Crash in a movie?

The Nursery Rhyme

My mom and I were talking about Katy Perry's song "I Kissed A Girl," and she was saying how she couldn't stand it anymore because it reminded her of a nursery rhyme. And I responded, "yeah a nursery rhyme for whores." Nursery rhyme, what the fuck? I've hated that song since the first time I heard it.

Now i don't want this to turn into the type of blog where I only post pictures of myself, but don't i look tough?
My hair was out of fucking control today, looked awesome. I appeared more "rolled out of bed" then all the 15 year old boys at the skate park today, but i smelled a lot better because I got new shampoo. Also at the skate park this morning, some dude who looked exactly like Ian Mackaye asked me where the bathroom was. I was in shock so all i said was "uhhh uhhhhhh around the uhhh corner." He smiled, said thank you, and walked out of my life forever.

I can't wait till i move out because I can walk around in my underwear again.

The Toothpaste

Let me just go on the record and say that I completely back Aquafresh's Extreme Clean Toothpaste. I was using it for so long and then my mom switched to this retarded 'gel' one, ended up with four cavities, and now that we're back to Extreme Clean i swear to you, my mouth has never felt so showered.

The Finished Product

The Drawing Day

Sat around all day and drew for tons of hours. Drew some stuff for Jake's new band.

Phase one:
Phase Two:

The New Collection

I went through a phase of collecting Jones Soda bottles, and Bart tickets. Now that I have almost 40 Jones bottles and well over 50 Bart tickets, i need to find a more space efficient collection.

It will be tattoos.

Now I've always said that I'll never get my chest tattooed, because its such a feminine place, but the more and more I look at pictures, i see it can be really beautiful if you get the right thing. This is way down the road, when I am a millionaire and can afford said things.

I'm pretty sure my next installment will be my feet. I drew up two designs that i'm sure I'll tweak down the road, but this is the general idea. Two upside-down crosses, with banners and a Verse lyric from "Blind Salvation." On one foot it will say "Arms Open. Heart Open." and the other will say "God Fearing. Still Nothing." I don't like the way I drew the crosses so I'm sure they'll be different.

I guess I should focus on getting my gypsy done next week...yikes.

The Random Hang Out

Mike picked me up to drive around because we were both raging about shit. Drove to Half Moon Bay, got ice cream, ended up in San Mateo's Hillsdale Mall Lego store and walked around like assholes for a while. Then I convinced him to let me drive, drove on El Camino which is extremely busy and it scared the shit out me. I didn't tell him I've never driven in a place so busy before, whoops. Got lost in some back roads, ended up by Notre Dame High School. He drove all the way back, decided to go see Step Brothers, it was a waste of my garage sale money. Will Ferrell is way past his prime.

I talked to Jake for an hour this morning, it was really nice. The whole time during the ridiculous movie all i could think about was how much I would've liked to just be doing nothing with him, anywhere, instead. I don't give a shit what we're doing, I just want to hold hands for a few minutes. It's been more than a month since I've seen him, and I won't see him again for a few more weeks.

I think the worst feeling in the world is missing someone, and its sad that the only thing keeping me from seeing him is money. I have none, no way to get to where he is.

The Rage

My unhappiness and anger grows every day in this fucking house.

"i never thought this would be your song. fuck, i never thought this would be my song. but thieves don't write songs, their victims write for them. i've never fucking said it before. i've never fucking meant it more. fuck you. fuck all of you."
Killing The Dream 'Thirty Four Seconds'

My entire family can go fuck themselves if they think I deserve to be constantly treated like shit just because their lives are a living hell. They should know at the age of 38 that your life is what you fucking make it. I'd kill myself before I'd let any of my relationships even come close to resembling the way the treat each other. I can't wait until I load my boxes into the van and never look back, I'll never cry a single fucking tear for all the hurtful words they've said to me.

When my mom and him got married he gave this big speech at the reception about how he wasn't just "gaining a wife but also a daughter to love" for the rest of his life. I didn't believe it then and I don't believe it now. I remember when I was about 15, and we had an argument over something ridiculous that led to my mom telling my step-dad if she knew he'd act this way towards me before the wedding, she would've never married him, and his response was, "you knew I was changing." I will never forget the times he's said things like this to me.

I sometimes lie to family who I haven't seen in a while when they ask me how I'm doing, i always answer "good," but now I'm going to start being fucking honest. When my real dad starting talking to me online i told him about how my step-dad is so 'great' just so he'd believe that I did alright without him around for 16 years. I lied, he's a total fucking dick who stole my mom away from me and turned her into an evil bitch. I needed my dad, I was only two years old, I need him around. And I still do, but its gone past the point of reconciliation, he's a mystery in my life I feel like he's not even real.

When I'm gone, I'm gone, and I'm never setting a foot back in this fucking house or this fucking town.

The Morning

I am deathly sick of my mom's mind games. She's been playing them with me since I can remember, and I'm fucking exhausted.

I fell asleep last night at 10 because I had only slept 5 hours the night before, and my limit for staying awake in a day is 12 hours. I woke up at 8 this morning and thought about getting out of bed before I heard mass amounts of screaming coming from the other room. My mom came in a 10:30 to tell me to wake up, because we were going to something deep in the city today. So i wake up and get ready, hair, face, clothes, cleaned the cupcake off my pretty shoes and asked her when we were planning on leaving. All of a sudden our plans are canceled and now we're just taking the kids (my younger siblings) to the park. I spend every hour of every fucking day playing and feeding and taking them to the park. She only told me we were going some place awesome so I would have an excuse to get out of bed.

I wish she had an excuse for being a gigantic asshole aside from the fact that her marriage has gone to shit.

"i hit a fork in the road everyday, no idea which is the right way, sick of feelin insecure, are my decisions worth living for? i doubt myself, i question myself is this worth my time? am i driving off a cliff or will i be fine where the hell is life taking me?"-Mental Fuck This