The Sacrifices

I sacrificed a good chunk of sleep to do the girlfriend thing and go to Josh's show. I had work at 6:30 am, I was good and tired all day but it was definately worth it. He played with Soul Control, which were amazing by the way, I felt bad because Portland didn't really show them much love. There were like 10 people there by the time they played, 11 o'clock on a Tuesday doesn't really draw much of an audience in this city. I haven't really been here that long but the music scene for punk and hardcore isn't as big as I thought it was. Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places. I did see Vitamin X a few months ago and good enough crowd showed up for that, and also Have Heart, Verse, Ceremony, and Blacklisted packed a good crowd. Anyways, good night, good people, good show.

The Bubble

I think I've invaded Josh's bubble too much lately, so I'm taking a few days off from bothering him. It sucks because I want to see him but I know that in a few days it'll be worth it. It's like were practically living together, and I guess I can't handle it.


What a bummer.

The Work Ditch

Burnt out on work, took a day off to sit around and watch Weeds and
Pineapple Express. I've felt all disoriented since yesterday, I think my
brain is going out.

The Braille and the Ice Cream Sandwiches

did it.

and i also made oatmeal cookie ice cream sandwiches covered in chocolate. It's the closest thing I'm getting to an It's-it in oregon.

The End of the Longest Week

Worked 6 days in a row, almost quit, drama drama drama. I'm focusing on
this new thing where I leave work at work, it's definately working
wonders.

Josh is the greatest boyfriend in the whole world. He rubs anti-ringworm
stuff on me, helps me not be so fucking angry, and doesn't beat the shit
out of me while sleeping. Leaving work at work and behing with Josh at
home is a new feeling of whole happiness I haven't experience in a long
time.

The Burning Skin

My skin is burning for two reasons.

1. I still have ringworm that I contracted from cuddling with the kittens. See what I get for loving my animals?
2. People who turn into huge self-centered pieces of shit.

For some reason I still feel the need to hide things from you that make me who I am, regardless of your beliefs and the morals you follow. But I also feel a sense of freedom, like a fuck-you-I-do-what-I-want-with-my-own-liver-and-lungs, sense of freedom. I can't believe I let someone control me that way.

I want to get this message tattooed on me next, it says "don't panic" written in braille. No one else but me and blind people will know what it means. It's significant because my anxiety and anger is not something other people can see, but only something i can feel. I would want it someplace where I can look at it when I feel the need, like my wrist, but at this point in my life I don't think a job-stopper would be a wise decision.

The Past Few Days and The Future

Since Josh has been home things haven't gotten any easier around here. My work has fucked me in so many ways throughout the last few weeks I mentally and physically can not handle it. Having him home makes things easier but our shitty stressful jobs are keeping us apart. One of the kittens gave me ringworm, so I'm dealing with that shit now. Both of them have fleas and I don't have any money to take them to the vet.

We went to Seattle last night, Josh played a show with his band Unrestrained and it was a pretty good turn out for how tiny the venue was, and also because it was snowing cats and fucking dogs. We didn't get home until 4am, we made the mistake of not charging our phones and had my mom and grandma worried about where we were. I came home to a big blow out with my Grandpa, so I'm guessing I won't be home for a few days. I'm glad I have this option.

Josh and I have been talking about moving back to his home town in New York after I finish pastry school this coming summer, it gives us 7 or 8 months to save enough money. I want to get out of here and experience new things, I think it'll be good for me.