The Tunnel

Everything took a turn for the worst in the middle of my 'focused and moving forward' attitude. It's to be expected but never desired. Sadness makes me reckless, it makes it easier to control and focus my energy into forgetting. Someone I've known for over 6 years and felt close to called me an 'enigma' yesterday, perspective is an interesting thing.

13 days left to say goodbye to this place and these feelings. No more 'people-pleasing,' either. Something new I'm trying out.

There is no greater fear of mine other than death than to be controlled by another person. It is really damaging to a person like me. I am a negative person when it comes down to things but I do want happiness, rainbows, and butterflies, the whole lot. I can become so jaded by lust and what I think is love but I have to realize it on my own, right now, and feel stupid later. If honesty isn't enough, then there are no other questions, it's all I've got at this point. All I wanted out of this entire thing was to be close to you and your mind, at least I had it for a little while.

13 days left to pack and feel better. Don't Panic, Focus.


"the devil will find work for idle hands to do."

The Island

I have directed my complete attention to making my friends hate me over the last three weeks, apparently.
It's amazing to see the way people react when you don't give them what they want. When you fall out love, when you realize your friend is a complete waste, when you 'do you' for the time being. The last month has been a cluster of amazing bliss and confusing shit.

I sort of vanished for a while trying to forget about the important decision I had to make, and that upset people. I was constantly being texted, called, questioned by everyone. Why can't someone be alone for a while? When I say "I don't want to hang out today," there is no subtext of "I really actually want you to bombard me with phone calls until I do eventually give in and regret sitting around a table full of mindless insensitive assholes I only want to punch." I feel like people expect so much out of you as their friend. I expect nothing out of anyone and I think that is why it's so hard for me to grasp the concept.

The one person I could stand being around is gone now, not forever, but it seems like it when the end is left open. I never expected it to end without tears but I haven't felt this bad since right before graduation and right after, when everything just dissipated and I had no direction. Moving home will help me clear my head and distract me from the fact that I'm leaving my comfortable little corner of the world. I'm going to try and start running with my mom, help my Dad with the flower arrangement business he started with his friend, spend tons of time with my sister, and eat amazing food.

Last night I walked home with a random girl who is also going through some shit and we talked about life on our very short walk home. She hugged me and we wished each other luck. Why can't all of my interactions hold merit like this one? There is no room in my brain for petty conversation, I think too much.

My mom is coming to Albany May 20th and we're driving May 21st. Can't believe it.