the low point

I've hit an ultimate low in my life. I haven't done anything horrible, i didn't kill anybody and I'm not smoking meth. But emotionally, and mentally, i have been at a depression stand still. Yesterday i finally realized how i let everything pile up and never deal with it.

Everything has been really hard and dissapointing lately, with that whole situation, real college decisions, and my family. All of us are at a mental breaking point with each other and yesterday was just the icing on the cake. I had to leave the house to keep chaos from inssuing, i took my dog and crawled up the hill to a place where no one really goes, especially in the rain. I sat there for 30 minutes just crying and wondering why im still putting up with this. I wanted a way out, and there was only one way i could think of. Thinking seriously about that was something i never imagined i'd go through, I never thought i'd let my mind get to that point. I kept walking and thinking and listening to "An Attempt to Tip the Scales." I realized that leaving my sister and brother and my family behind would be selfish, and that if i can't get through this rough patch now, I'll never make it on my own. I don't want your sympathy and i don't want your pity. I just want you to realize that the shit I'm going through is taking a toll on me and I don't know how to deal with it. And it wasn't because of any boy or anyone in particular, it was just all of it. I'm pretty sure if it wasn't for this song, I would be in worse shape, I would've never come back from that walk.

"Did you expect it all to stop at the wave of your hand?
Like the sun is just going to drop if it’s night you demand,
Well, in the dark we are just air so the house might dissolve,
But once we are gone, who is gonna care if we were ever here at all?
Well, summer is going to come and it’s gonna cloud our eyes again,
Theres no need to focus when there is nothing thats worth
seeing,
So we trade liquor for blood in an attempt to tip the scales,
I think you lost what you loved in that mess of details
They seemed so important at the time but now you can’t even recall
Any of the names, faces, or lines, it is more the feeling of it all
Well, winter is going to end and I’m going to clean these veins again,
So close to dying that I finally can start living."


p.s. don't think im insane, i know you've all been through this too.