The Questionable Information

Let me start by saying that it blows my mind how fucking shitty people can be. I don't give a fuck if it is you, her, or him at fault. One or more of you is a piece of shit. I'm afraid I'll never know the truth, i don't know who to believe I don't know which one of you to trust. Someday I'll learn when its the right time to be vulnerable, and when it's the right time to trust someone. Something tells me that there is never a right time to do either of those things.

The Displaced Day

I have felt so displaced from society today, here's a run through of
what went down.

-went to work at 7am
-got sick at 7:30am
-went home at 10:30am
-lied in bed from 11am until now 2:16am watching Weeds season 2 and
eating tortilla chips. I don't plan on moving anytime soon

The First Christmas

This year is my first Christmas away from my parents and siblings, needless to say it was sad. I had a panic attack all through dinner, it wasn't exactly my idea of "happy holidays." I miss my brother and sister so much it hurts, not being able to be there for them grow makes me sick to my stomach every time I think about it. I would give almost everything up to just go back home even for just a few days. Usually when I'm feeling down about missing home Josh is always there to keep me from crying, instead he is with his family and I should be happy for him.

I colored my hair back to brown, extensions are back in, I feel like myself again.

The Break

I dropped Josh and his roommate off at the airport for their flights back home to New York for the holidays. It's going to be weird with 8 whole days without him, he's really the only person I hang out with. I guess it'll give me a break to re-evaluate my life, celebrate Christmas, and blah blah. Sleeping has been difficult at my house, I don't expect it to be any easier now especially with Nyx and Gemma both in my tiny room until Josh gets back.

When it rains, it pours.

The Snow

The snow is blowing my mind. Last night I drove at around midnight to
meet up with Josh and I had to drive in this. I've been living in snow
all week, and he still hasn't shown me how to make a proper snow-person.
I'm pissed!

The Two Babies

The New Love

I got a kitten! Now this will not change my love for Nyx in any way shape or form, i just want to make that clear.

Her name is Gemma and she has 6 toes on each of her front paws.

The Lack of Interest

I stopped taking pictures, I stopped drawing, I stopped painting, I stopped caring. Most of the time I'm alone I spend it killing time until I have something scheduled to do, like work or more driving. I spend more time in my car during the week than I do sleeping, I hate it. And no matter how long I sleep I always feel like it's never enough. Something in my life is missing, I don't know what it is. All I know is that I have lost interest in everything I ever cared about, all I want is to be numb and not feel so much of this.

I've been here in Portland almost 4 months now, but I want to move on. I want to see other parts of the world, but unfortunately I have too much shit to do, too many responsibilities and not enough cash. I plan on fiercely kicking rocks out of this place after Baking school is over in July of next year. To where? Some place I've never been, some place i want to be. Boston? New York? Wisconsin? Atlanta? Canada?

The Wild I Will Never See

I watched Into the Wild again for the third time. No matter how many times I watch it I walk away feeling alone and afraid to be on my own. Although I'm living with my grandparents I live almost completely independently. I'm never home, I'm usually at work or at Josh's house, so I feel like I'm just wandering around until I feel sick enough to go back to my room and think too much about the things I'm afraid of. I will never be brave enough to burn all my money and leave everyone behind, just to find myself and my place in this life. There are a lot of things I do not know and a lot of things I will never know or understand, and one of them is complete happiness. I can't remember a time in my life thus far when I have been completely happy or even content with my current situation. There has always been something to worry about, something to be angry about, or something to cry about. At the rate I'm going at I don't know if I'll ever know what happiness feels like for more than a few hours.

Tonight is the first night I've been home since last Sunday night, i can't ever sleep here.

The New Tattoo part 3/Love for Henry Rollins

The Pamphlet

Really, don't leave me alone in a car for thirty minutes with this kind
of liter(ature) and a marker.