The Halloween

With foreign exchange students! it was a lot of fun, my Fafi costume didnt hold up in the cold so i decided to make myself an iPod last minute

the earthquake

there was a 5.8 earthquake about 30 minutes ago that scared me half to death. Good thing i react quickly, my sister was in my room so i threw my computer on my bed grabbed her opened my door and stood in the doorway. for the 3 seconds i sat on my bed i could feel the entire house shake above me. This house is old and i could feel the structure of the house bending i was so scared it was going to fall.
This is the third earthquake i've ever felt, the second was when i was in oregon and my grandparents live in a hill their house is on stilts, but this was more scary.

unexpected natural disasters are the worst

IF YOU LIAKE BULLETZ N PEPPEROHNI YOU COME TO TEH RIGHTZ PLACES

tomorrow is halloween!

the blank day

woke up, ate left over thai food. Went to Ikea (i swear i could live inside that place). I bought some things for my room, sort of unneeded but sure helpful. Finished my photo project for Film, and decided to paint on the boards i found in my garage last weekend.

Keith's coming back next weekend, i can't wait. My days always seem empty without him. Did you remember what today is? Happy 5 month anniversary!

" Trying to hold it together
Keep my love as light as a feather
Sad eyes baby it's been such a long time
Keep my heart breaking in the dark
Come and spend the day"
-Bat for Lashes

the busy week

is almost at it's end, although it hit the peak yesterday. took me about two hours to finally meet up with little Eric at Amoeba by public transportation but thats only because the first bus showed up 20 minutes late. I really don't mind taking the bus/bart/muni, i actually like it. Some dumb girl was complaining about how crowded it was on Muni and i was getting really annoyed. What do you expect on a Friday at 5 o'clock? or anyday during the week at 5 o'clock?
We went to Haight but it was weird because i usually go there with Keith and all the places we go into are our places and its different going with anyone else. I guess these few days i've just been missing him a lot. Going all the places we go to, alone, felt really lonely.
I woke up in a bad mood and lied there for about an hour just thinking about everything. Its hard to sleep when people are tearing out windows upstairs, let alone think. So i got up and here i am.

I need to buy some movies today and finish reading Middlesex so i can get some books off my list.

I showed about 30 pictures to Mr.Schneider to look at for our project. He said composition wise, only 8 of them were good. I'm so bummed out.

the scare

i don't know what i would've done had it been worse. i don't know who to thank, but i'm beyond glad it wasn't. i love you.

the first step

i took the first step on my journey to college.
found out a few things, browsed the application, checked out the requirements. i need to take the SATs i guess. The admission requirements aren't so bad, as they call it the "challenge." you're supposed to do it about where you live and what you do from three perspectives, 3 pieces in any medium with 150 words explaining each. i can do that. i guess i should apply soon if i plan on going next fall. i wonder if i'll get in, i doubt i will get in. im stressed. senior portraits tomorrow and im already freaking out about this time next year. it costs a lot of money i don't have, and my family does also not have. i should've filled out that FASFA. I've been dreaming about this school since i knew i didn't want to work in a cubicle, 7th grade or so. when i started listening to Bright Eyes and realized it was alright to do what i want.

I'll be applying for the Undergraduate Degree in Photography,
and this school is in New York.

(this is my favorite picture i've taken all month)

the lack of time

no time for life today, just running in circles.

the iffy day

today started out bad around 6:50 when i shut my first alarm off.
7:40 rolls around and i'm still asleep, school starts in 20 minutes and i haven't even thought about waking up yet. my mom comes in screaming asking when i planned on quiting being lazy and going to school. i decided i'd just keep asleep until its impossible for me to get there on time, what's she going to do pick me up and set me down in first period? so i stayed home today, even though it wouldn't have been a bad day if i had just gotten up on time.
so i today i woke up officially around 10 and decided i was going to eat some cereal. and just-in-case you were wondering what i look like at 10 in the morning on a day when i was supposed to be at school and haven't washed my hair in 2 days and have decided to eat some frosted mini wheats, here's a picture.
the day worsened when my mom came back from Trader Joes with a grip of food i hate, and/or a meal i must cook in a microwave that could've tasted better had i driven down to McDonalds and scrapped myself a meal off the oil and pig fat soaked "grill."
I went down to the beach to take a walk with my mom and brother while we waited for my sister to get out of school. We went down to the semi tide pools and i tried to get some pictures for the photography project. I know everyone else is going to use pictures they've taken at Lindamar so i'm ruling all those pictures out of the running.
We realized we were late to pick up my sister so my mom ran to the car while i had to haul my brother in his wagon through hills of sand, even my ankles were sweating afterwards.
we got back to the house and got into an argument about how eating nothing but red meat is bad for your health although it makes my dad lose weight, then she threw it on me saying eating no red meat is bad for your health, but i told her i was more emotionally healthy because it makes me feel terrible knowing i'm eating something that once had a family and thoughts.

i came into the backyard to get some pictures but still ridiculously uninspired i got nothing.
i came into my room to get into mope mode and crawl into pajamas when my shirt caught hold of my nose ring and ripped it out. had it not been stuck in my face for so long it wouldn't have hurt so bad, but it started bleeding and i had to put it back in which was more painful than initially piercing it. as soon as it came out i felt my whole body break into a sweat and my face lose it's color. now its swollen.

its only 4 o'clock.

the friday

as you might already know, this week is hectic city in brandi county.
On the agenda for tomorrow:My Photograph project for Schneider's class
Wednesday:Babysitting for my mom's friend 4:30 & yoga at 7:30
Thursday: Senior Portraits at 5 & It's Always Sunny at 10 also possibly finishing the photo project in between then
Friday is about to be the biggest day of the week though.

Friday; Pick up my check from work at 3:30, cash it, get to daly city bart. Go to powell to Urban Outfitters to pick up some film stuff and new white shoes because mine are already falling apart, (also see whats on super clearance). Head over to borders to pick up the October issue of XLR8R with Fafi on the cover, and if it's out yet the November issue of Nylon, I'm trying to finish Middlesex by friday so i can pick up Memory Keepers Daughter or Less Than Zero that day too. Take N to the full house park and meet Eric in Amoeba at 5 hang out for a little while then take N back to civic center, take bart and two buses back to my house. Phew, what a day it will be.

the believer

i watched The Believer today, with Ryan Gosling as a Neo-Nazi internally conflicted with being Jewish and being a Skinhead. I really loved this movie and i thought it was better than American History X. Danny (Ryan Gosling) was more connected to being his enemy than Edward Norton in X because he was his enemy, whereas Norton had no idea what it was like to be on the other side. They made the parallel of both worlds obviously present, maybe not to someone who doesn't know certain things about the Jewish faith, but when you look into it you'll understand. When we first see him conflicting with being Jewish, he gives the Nazi salute but with only a pinky raised. In the Jewish faith you're only supposed to point at the Torah with your pinky finger. Theres lots of things in the movie like that that made it realistic, i loved it.

Recommended, definately.

the lost friend

jake was never really lost to me, i always knew he was there and i honestly can't go a day without something that reminds me of him. he's like a creepy brother to me, i miss that dude. i called him tonight because i was down and keith was busy and i knew he'd cheer me up. he told me a bunch of stories about things i've missed, (mainly just a bunch of slutbag girls he's met since i've been gone). it completely made me realize you can't ever trust anyone, including me. its sad people dwell on things that don't involve them whatsoever and also happened a year ago. life is not about who you were, but about who you are now. although a lot of your past shapes how you turn out, it does not make you who you are. i don't regret anything in my life because it's pointless to, it doesn't change it.
i won't tell you who i was, if you knew me then, you already know since everyone seems to know everything about me. i will tell you who i am though, so far.

i am human.

the drunk

i've yet to update this blog while intoxicated, but i guess theres a first for everything. i went to this party earlier and came home and now i'm at that point where its fading and i just want to take a nap. i feel more honest now than i've ever been before.
this girl sent me a friend request who is jake's ex and ryan's new girlfriend's bestfriend, i wonder if she added me just to lurk me so i sent her a rude message asking if i knew her from someplace, which i know i don't but depending on her answer i might accept or deny...we'll just have to see.
i love when Anita texts me its all in broken english its so cute.
i got a message from her saying she didn't know me just lurking around myspace and added me for no reason. YEAH RIGHT, DENY. i accepted her, lurked her, then deleted. it seems the only plausible thing to do. she's not very interesting.
i really hate that girls are like that, i don't go lurking around my old friend's myspaces just to see what their up to then get my other much younger immature friends involved and lurk their blogspots. really now, get over yourselves.

i'm really angry right now but i won't say why or what its about because it will only start things that don't need to be started and it will only be blamed on my paranoia and the fact that i'm drunk and i think too much.

i really miss new mexico and the simplicity of my old life, but i also love it here because its constantly a challenge. life will get easier once we don't live with joey's parents, but for now i'm confused and mad. right now i wish someone would call me so i could talk to them about nothing and laugh at myself.

i'd read but i'm afraid i won't remember it tomorrow.

the family

i hate almost everyone in my immediate family right now except my brother cause he can't scream things little kids won't understand and slam doors and break phones and other things that don't belong to him.

fuck you

the dead again

Birtak died today, even after i got all the cool stuff for his tank it just wasn't enough.

the working woman

i had work today, got my schedule for the rest of October and after putting all my important dates into my handy SKII calendar, i seriously have three days when I'm not busy doing something. its sort of terrible, but i guess keeping busy will make the time go by faster as i wait for it to get colder. it will also keep me from spending money, so i can save for Christmas time and get my sister and brother something noisy and awesome. maybe a drum set that'd be perfect. they both love bangin' on shit and my brother loves music. my parents and grandparents however might go insane with a drum set in the house. i discovered that my brother has excellent music taste; he loves Minor Threat and Beirut. He'll be the coolest kid when he grows up I'll make sure of it.
Theres a photography course at Academy of Art San Francisco, maybe thats an idea for college. I'll get to live in the city and learn about something i love. its an option I'll consider.

today was really good.

p.s. my fish now have the coolest flower vase tank in the world. im cheap so i didnt spring for a tank but i did get them a tiki dude, some purple rocks, and a plant. maria is giving me her tank at work on saturday and i plan on buying some multi colored rocks to throw in it with the purple ones, some new fish and cave with maybe a treasure chest. i'm goin' Atlantis on their ass.

the inmaturity

i am beginning to think that my parents have never grown up. but not in the way that jake will never grow up where its sort of adorable, understandable, and funny. But in the way that they still act like their marriage is a high school romance that doesn't really count, and their children are science experiments they can scream at and punish but it's okay because they won't remember it in 5 years. But i will.

Hanging out with the beautiful healthy foreign exchange students is starting to take a toll on my self esteem, seriously the new girl from Finland looks like Barbie.

Montreal is sounding nice right now.




(pictured:this is Anita in the middle, me on the right, and Claire[?] on the left. honestly, there was absolutely no brain activity happening in any of us when this was taken)

the jeans

i bought the most incredible jeans today for 10 dollars, and i almost feel confident in saying that the old navy jeans could quite possibly be retired.
In p.e. i talked to my new friends, two of the most ridiculously funny south city kids ever who are not funny on purpose. They told me what they hate about girlfriends, jealousy, constant calling, lack of trust. One of the guys talked more about how much he hates girls more than the other, and he was the one with the girlfriend. How ironic!
Finally finished my final draft of my cinematography paper for Schneider, perfect timing for my printer to run out of ink. He'll see it as no excuse and send me back to my seat feeling like a worthless film student. If only there was a Kinkos near by...but we're turning it into Turnitin.com anyways..
I bought this month's issue of Nylon magazine since it featured Cory Kennedy. I always thought Nylon was a magazine to sit and look at while you're waiting for keith at Barnes&Noble but i got to take it home and really read it, which was a great idea because there was an article on Beirut in which he described growing up in New Mexico as "isolated," which i think is sort of inaccurate. Maybe its because he lived in Santa Fe. New Mexico isn't as bad as you'd think, it's just not San Francisco. I actually miss it there somedays.

Mondays are usually terrible, but this monday was alright.

the future

Someday i will learn French, move to Paris, party with Uffie, record with Busy P, wear a Daft Punk helmet, and paint with Fafi.
That didn't happen today.


p.s. my fish haven't died yet, i've named them Hmilo and Birtak.

started watching this movie finally

the unresolveable agner

i'm so fucking mad right now i can't even breathe. everyone has been such a fucking idiot all fucking day and i am beyond angry at my mom. i am more angry at her than i have ever been in my entire life, because she won't let me go to see keith and stay. she won't let me go for a day even unless i take the train, because i am "irresponsible." So irresponsible that i balance work and do great in school and take care of my brother and sister whenever she asks me. so irresponsible that her friends ask me to watch their children. she is such a fucking bitch i can't explain to you in words how much i hate her. i told her not to talk to me until i see keith again, since its all her fault i won't see him for a month now.
i honestly want everyone to fuck off and not call me until i see keith again, i'm tired of everyone not realizing how much he means to me and how much i love having him in my life and when he's not here i'm pissed off and i don't fucking care if you think i need someone to make me happy i don't fucking care if you think i'm wrong for loving someone, i fucking hate you. i'm really done with everyone and their inconsiderate bullshit. i don't want to be at home but i don't want to be out with anyone else.
i've never been this angry in my entire life.

i can't read i can't cry i can't speak i can't walk i can't sit down i can't stand up i want to tear apart everything within my reach and i want it all to go away
leave me alone


"Mr. Present, go away
Come back and fuck with us some other day
Mr. Feelings, run and hide
You have no right to what you feel inside
Motherfuckers, quick to kiss
Talk your shit, but don't fuck with this
All I want to know is
Am I holding on? Am I moving on?
What can we do, what can we do?"

the latelys

lately i've just been listening to Neutral Milk Hotel and the new Beirut album, they're both gold.
Been keepin' myself occupied for the past 20 minutes looking at icanhascheezburger, that site is so adorable and now i really want a kitten. I want something to take care of that doesn't talk, ever since Shintaro died I've felt a little empty inside.
Today was the first day with my new hair, it seemed to go over really well. I got a few compliments, some on the flower clip, maybe they were avoiding the haircut. awkward. i really like it though, theres absolutely no maintenance to it, definately my style. i hope keith likes it, yikes! I'm pretty positive I'll be staying with him next weekend in Davis, i'm nervous but also excited to see him.

the cut

my hair is all gone
liberation!

the travel

i want to go to Europe, now.

the turn

today started out so great and then it took a turn for one of the worst days of the month, it definately deserves a post of its own.

i went to the pseudo gym in Pacifica and took a "kick boxing" class with my mom as a favor because she didn't want to go alone. I thought i was going to be punching things while i envisioned my film teacher's face, but it was pretty much a middle aged bi curious redheaded mullet woman teaching us the dance moves my grandma taught me when i was 6. i honestly haven't laughed that much at my uncoordinated completely ungraceful self, in a long time. i guess i'm more of a gentle flexible yoga person than i am a punch throwing ass kicking person, in a way it could benefit me. Anyways, it was totally ridiculous and half the time i was off timing or laughing too hard to pay attention. It was weird, its like the house arrested mothers get off of that ridiculous crap, they were totally into it.

came home and Joe was in a bad mood as always, we noticed when we pulled up that the garbage cans were out so we know Nina had been in our rooms taking out trash. No matter how clean my room may be, she'll complain to Joe how irresponsible and disgusting i am because i have clothes on the floor. Then he'll be mad and complain to my mom who complains to me, and by this point everybody's pissed off when she could've just upped her maturity level and told her sob story to me. So now I'm angry cause everyone in this house is a whiny 12 year old, and not one of them has the guts to come up to me and tell me to clean my room. Obviously I'm the one here in the wrong because I've got clothes on the ground yet we're stilling living in Nina and Jose's house because you can't give up your precious dream of your business ever doing good again, and maybe if we didn't live here I'd have a place to put these ever threatening clothes. Yet I'm the one with a job, and if i don't say so myself, an excellent GPA (for my standards of course, read the last post!).

On top of all this i'm worried about Jake and i want him to get better and take care of his war wounds.

fuck everyone being extremely childish today.

the progress report

it will be happening soon, because this long hair is doing nothing but getting in the way.(it won't be THAT short)
when i get my guitar with strings back on it i plan on covering In The Aeroplane Over the Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel. That song, i swear is one of my top 5 favorites. It's so great, that entire CD is great. I found a super good cover over it done by this girl on YouTube, she sang it perfectly.
Anywho, a super good day. I got my progress report;
1.P.E | A
2.P.E. | A
3.Economics | A (who would've ever thought i'd actually love this class)
4.Film | 79.8 C (Schneider is such a cock)
5.Ceramics Advanced | A
6.Drama | B (who really gives about this class though really? Schneider is still a cock in this case)

my parents are happy, i'm happy. phew.

the dead

Shintaro "Shin Shin" Kawaii died this morning, he had a good two day run. This just proves how I can't take care of anything and I'll never grow up.

the lovefilled day

the past 24 hours have shown me how much i love the people in my life.
Keith came to visit me at work, we hung out, made fun of things. I've missed him so incredibly much, any time i get to spend with him is great. i can't help but feel like I'm repeating myself whenever i talk about him, but im not sure how else to describe my time with him without throwing my hands out like a giant hug. I'll see him in a few days, weeks, months, who knows. But i will talk to him everyday and tell him how much i love him everyday, thats all i can do. I really do trust him, after today I know theres no reason for me to be scared of another taking my place. I don't know if i ever was that incredibly scared of that, more afraid of him tiring of this semi-"long" distance commitment.
I put my sister to sleep last night while listening to Sigur Ros, she likes it. She means more to me than anything on this planet, and i'd give up everything i own to never have to ever see her suffer in any sort of way. I'm afraid of her growing up, learning to be independent, and learning to keep her heart safe. I can only hope that her mind and body will stay healthy as she gets older. If it's one thing we must all appreciate is our good health (if you have it).
I miss my grandparents and i'd really like to go stay with them for thanksgiving.
i feel like breaking down in tears of joy and sadness because all the people i've mentioned here are away or asleep, i'd like to hug them all right now though.


"while you are away
my heart comes undone
slowly unravels
in a ball of yarn
the devil collects it
with a grin
our love
in a ball of yarn"
-Bjork

p.s. i might be buying a macbook soon, only to build credit of course ;]

the jealousy

i love that you call me at one in the morning to ask me why im sad. i love that you put up with the fact that i'm almost always running late. i love that you make my day with even the shortest phone call. i love that we can go shopping together and you don't complain even once. i love that we teach each other new things every day. i love that you try to act interested when i complain about how boring high school life is.
i hate that i got mad at you for more than one reason you can't control.
i hate that they get to spend every day with you, and i feel like i've become put aside and i'm something from back home that should be left there, even though i know (i hope) thats not what you're thinking/aiming for when you can't talk long.
i know that half the things i'm jealous of don't exist and will cause both of us sadness and i'll continue being nothing but an endless pit of raging jealousy over something ridiculous.
the truth is that i just miss you, i miss you so much.
my entire week is so shitty and all i have to look forward to is the weekend when you come home, and now it might be a few weeks before you come back. i know you can't control this, and i'm not mad about it at all, i just want to see you and be with you. is that hard to understand? that all i want is to hug you and talk to you at the same time, and all of this "missing" stuff turns into a ridiculous amount of anger towards nothing, just anything that gets in my way.

all i want to do is just love you and hold your hand.

the realizations

my grandpa has cancer now, i'm scared.
because i am shy i have a C in film, im pissed.
i laughed during our monologue today, i can't act.

"They want you to decide,
Eventually, it happens,
Some gather on one side,
With all their pearly snapping,
They close the basement door,
It sets our teeth to chatter,
You never saw it before,
But now that hardly matters,

You're old enough, boy,
Too many summers you've enjoyed,
So spin the wheel,
We'll set you up with some odd convictions,
Because you're finally golden, boy."

i need to make a decision about after high school, soon.

i hate almost everything about today, tomorrow is the shins, i should be excited but im too numb today to feel any sort of great feelings.

the forgetfulness

hate when you don't call. it leaves my mind a million things to race about, even when i know they can't be true. i wasn't going to call at midnight while you were maybe asleep or maybe reading or maybe out, to have you not answer and make me feel desperate. i don't get to see you often, hearing your voice is just the next best thing. honestly, i'm not trying to make a big deal of this, it just brings out so many things. when you were here, every night i got a phone call, but things are different now i understand that. i know sometimes i may seem paranoid but im just trying to hold onto something that i know is making my life better. you.

i'm an idiot.

my room smells disgusting ever since i was sick, i want out of this house unbelievably bad. i am so bored and frustrated with the look the taste and the smell of this house, i think it's literally making me sick. my parents and sister and brother won't stop screaming and crying and i feel like i am an eroding wall, with every punch and jab at each other's dignity a boulder falls. my parents don't love each other, and are making the rest of us suffer by staying together. i love my family, i really do, but i just need a day to be alone. i haven't had a day truely alone since we moved here, and these are the times i wish i drove. i could go someplace and sit or lie down or walk or run or take pictures of things i connect with. i am beginning to feel like everlasting love isn't plausible, its just something our world has dreamed in pictures and standards.

i'm so mad.

the angry day

so i guess today's been pretty bad. my teachers were all moody and i was pretty moody so i guess it all added up to a terrible day so far, i mean its only four. my mom instantly pissed me off as soon as i got in the car. she asked me my opinion on a song that came on the radio and i told it her was "unoriginal." she didn't like my opinion so i became instantly in the wrong. i called keith to cheer me up for a few minutes, and it worked. my mom let me drive on the way home and when i pulled into the drive way she freaks out saying im too close to the other car when i clearly had 2 feet of space to pull in. some one obviously can't trust my judgment. plus she went into the store to buy food for dinner after the song incident and says "we're having meatloaf," she knows i can't eat it which means i fend for myself tonight, and i know she did it on purpose. i came home and tried to get a few shots in the backyard because my tree was looking really purple but nothing was cooperating, including my brother. its seriously impossible to get a picture of that kid's face. Candace came by to pick up some money i owed her and brought someone i don't care for with her, since my day was so bad i would've loved to have gone out in my driveway to flip her off, but i didn't feel like going out of my way to give her more shit to talk about. i came back to try and get more shots but my camera eats batteries like its candy. i also shot a few of my dog with Oktoclops.

and i have an A in economics.

(pictured: can you see the faces arguing in the shadows? keith and i saw the first one on the left when we saw it but when i got home i noticed the second on the right, life is full of surprises.)

the boring day

check out my babies.
today was pretty much just school and work. the day started off alright, i didn't get up on time but i got to school on time. Billy greeted me way too energetically in first period ceramics, and i was caught off guard! Anita told me about some crazy stuff that happened over homecoming weekend, which sucks because if i wasn't sick i would've been at both those parties protecting dumb Asian girls from good sweet hearted guys. but anyways.
work was alright, it went by fast, it always does when i work with Cherry. i took some pictures of her with Oktoclops and she got mad. After work i had a few minutes so i called Keith but he was busy doing college things so i called Brad and i told him crazy stories about being sick over the weekend, and he complained about his broken sidekick. Then I came home, watched The Hills, GO ELODIE! Fuck you flat faced Audrina your boyfriend is a douche bag. i am really caught up in the drama, DEAL WITH IT.

school tomorrow yuck