the cutie

i spent today with keith, we did nothing, yet everything. i got sad because im still dwelling on him leaving for college. i dont know what i'll do without him, and yeah its only an hour away, but its far enough. He's so perfect for me, and so damn cute.
cory haim is crying on tv, and im crying too.
IM SO EMOTIONAL.

the completion

on the 27th, I attended a Daft Punk Concert at the Berkeley Greek Theater, and it has completed my life. It was the greatest thing i've ever been to, im so glad i got to bring Keith to share it with me. We had a blast, the people around us we're total jackasses, but we didnt let them stop our dance party. i am still sore after two days, too much dancing i guess. Seeing them was one of the things i wanted to do before i die, and well, i've accomplished that. So now, i need to put something else on my list, although i have quite a few.
-See Sigur Ros, (which i doubt will ever happen unless i go to Coachella and/or Iceland).
-Go To Iceland, Europe(all of it), India, Russia, and Japan.
-Stop global warming....

just, some of the few things i want to do.

the excitement

i have a lot of time to kill until daft punk tonight, so i thought i'd unravel myself in this meaningless survery.

The Letter A
Are you available? no way.
What is your age? 17
What annoys you at the moment? idiots.

The Letter B
Do you live in a big house? no, this is not a house, its a circle of hell.
When is your birthday? may 28th
Who is your best friend? candace

The Letter C
What's your favorite candy? aba-zabba, or anything dark chocolate.
Who's your crush? seth cohen
When was the last time you cried? yesterday. i dont want to go be alone when he leaves.

The Letter D
Do you daydream? sometimes.
What's your favorite kind of dog? big fat golden retrievers :[.
What day of the week is it? Friday

The Letter E
How do you like your eggs? none.
Have you ever been in the emergency room? uhm yes, a few times.
What's the easiest thing ever to do? cuddle. although it does require some skill.

The Letter F
Have you ever flown in a plane? way too many times, my ears dont even pop anymore.
Do you use fly swatters? no, flies cannot survive in pacifica.
Have you ever used a foghorn? yes! in my grandpa's store! he got mad.

The Letter G
Do you chew gum? sometimes
Do you like gummy candies? indeed.

The Letter H
How are you? excited
What color is your hair? blue, im serious.

The Letter I
What's your favorite ice cream? chunky monkey
Have you ever ice skated? yes- to truely live- one must ice skate.
Do you play an instrument? la guitarra.

The Letter J
What's your favorite jelly bean brand? buttered popcorn, but i dont like real popcorn.
Do you wear jewelry? the necklace keif got me, everyday.

The Letter K
Who do you want to kill? I am not psychotic.
Do you want kids? im on the fence about it.
Where did you go for kindergarten? central elementary school in belmont, california, also murray manor elementary in San Diego, California.

The Letter L
Are you laid back? i am always moving, even in my sleep.
Do you lie? white ones, to make others feel better. they're good natured i swear.

The Letter M
Whats your favorite movie? LOTS. i will give you five in no specific order. Eternal Sunshine, Almost Famous, Riding In Cars With Boys, Splendor in The Grass, Dancer In The Dark
Do you still watch Disney movies? nah
Do you like mangos? no!

The Letter N
Do you have a nickname? Brantrain. "you just plow through everything.."
What is your real name? brandi
Whats your favourite number? 8, anything even.
Do you prefer night over day? Yes.

The Letter O
What's your one wish? for everyone to be healthy, mentally and physically..

The Letter P
What one fear are you most paranoid about? Dying.
What are your pet peeves? not knocking, eavesdropping, people who have no sense of a "time and a place for evething.
What's a personality trait you look for in people? a sense of humor

The Letter Q
What's your favorite quote? peace please..
Are you quick to judge people? yes, usually on their music taste/intelligence/sense of humor. you must have all of those things for me to like you.

The Letter R
Do you think you're always right? no.

The Letter S
Do you prefer sun or rain? rain
Do you like snow? yes!
What's your favorite season? fall.

The Letter T
What time is it? @;30
What time did you wake up? 12pm
When was the last time you slept in a tent? loooong time ago

The Letter U
Are you wearing underwear? yeah
Underwear or boxers? underwear...

The Letter V
What's the worst veggie? water cresants.
Where do you want to go on vacation? europe.

The Letter W
What's your worst habit? being overly critical.
Where do you live? california.
What's your worst fear? dying.

The Letter X
Have you ever had an x-ray? NO
Have you seen the x-games? i've been to them!
Do you own a xylophone? ha, no.

The Letter Y
Do you like the color yellow? yes, its my favorite color because its adventurous. but i dont feel the need to make everything i own, yellow.

The Letter Z
Whats your zodiac sign? gemini
Do you believe in the zodiac? sure
Favorite zoo animal? BEARS!

the anger

im so angry that my mom can't understand what it feels like being me in high school. she doesnt understand why i have no friends there, because she was one of those stupid people in high school, and i would've hated her had i gone to school with her. maybe next year wont be so bad? i will just read at lunch, go to my classes, attempt to learn something, talk. I'm working on being more outgoing and less shy to new people. Im pessimistic and it might be the main cause as to why im so pissed off. I shouldn't be though. I have great people and great things in my life. I have Candace, shes always there for me, and our raging hangouts are full of enjoyment and we are constantly laughing. Keith is just great, i can't explain it, but theres just this connection that just clicks and its weird because i feel so different around him than i do anyone else. Some people need to exaggerate or lie to make myself seem more interesting, but i can just be me. I'm almost at that point where im starting to learn that life as myself might not be so bad, and if some day (god forbid) he decides that I am not who he wants to be with then, I'll just go on living with it. I'm pretty comfortable with being me right about now. I might not have the greatest goals or opportunities being handed to me as i should, if i had just worked a little harder, but you know, i've got common sense and i have a personality. I have skills and talents that will take me somewhere some day, whatever it may be.
everything's okay.

currently listening to: Mirah-Telephone Wires
" Lean in close and speak to me low
Tell me things you want me to know
'Cause I want to be the one you need to lean to
Speak to me low"

the guess

life goes so quickly and expectantly, i guess i haven't taken the time to sit back and appreciate it.
last night i cried because i know next year is going to be so lonely and full of ridiculous lonely moments that i'll only be able to share with myself. keith is leaving for college and to go things important, while im still wasting my time in high school, still being myself. he's going to meet hundreds of people from around the world that share the same interests, same ideas, and i'll still be here doing nothing of importance, just being me.
i bet the fact that im completely paranoid doesn't help me any.
i want this tattoo, its a great picture.

currently listening to: Mirah-Don't Die In Me

the happiness

today, dispite menstrational bleeding, was so excellent. i met keith for a few hours before work started, and we caught a little boy looking at a sex book in barnes & noble's. i almost felt bad for laughing, he must've been humilated. the moment is probably one of the things he'll feel guilty and embarrassed about for the rest of his life. work started off slow, but i've missed my coworkers and im happy to be back. a couple came in the store around 5, she pointed at this expensive (overpriced) pillow, and said, "buy me this." No thank you, or please involved. He did buy it for her. I have no idea how people can be so rude, i could never do that to anyone! Maybe it's because im wierd about money. I don't mind spending money on other people, but i hate it when they spend it on me. keith surprised me later on, and i was excitied to see him, again. i wont see him or candace until friday! i will try and get some of my shit together these 3 days i get to spend alone. today i'm in a ridiculously good mood.

i've also now decided that i do want children. when where or with whom, i dont know, but i do. if theres one thing in this world i would love the most, it would be the abilty to teach someone how to do good, from the beginning.

this picture is of my baby sister, one of the greatest things to ever happen to me.

currently listening to: of Montreal-The Party's Crashing Us

"You're such a mysteryI just wanna stand and stareNibble on your earAnd smell the ocean in your hair(Ocean in your hair, ocean in your hair)I know you damage meYou leave me tangled in a knotBut when you reappearI see Neptunian blues that eyes forgotNeptunian blues that eyes forgot"

the choice

i woke up this morning, sick as hell, so i stayed inside all day watching tv. it rained a little. i watched the democratic youtube debate on CNN, and i felt well informed. I want to like Hilary Clinton because she is a woman, but i can't. I had hope for Obama until some of his answers were unclear and i didn't agree with them. New Mexico Governor(whoop!) Richardson was quiet, subtle and funny. Biden has some great views i agree with, as well as Kucinich, but i dont know everything about them yet to take a side. Dodd is old, and rude. John Edwards is young and i hate his mixed views. Michael Gravel spoke loudly and out of turn, he is also old, and ridiculous. This youtube questioning idea was great, a lot of good questions were asked. An Athiest asked a question about pressuring religion and i was so glad that Edwards was cool with it, but Obama was so shady. I'm so excited to be 18 and vote.

the return part. II

so today i saw keith for the first time all month, our schedules have been conflicting and it was ridiculous! my "vacation" did not help either. we got some food some ice cream some books and some cuddles. i was so happy to be back and with him! I finally feel back to normal now.
instead of the clouds, this picture should be of you, because you were the shining moment, not these cloud-zies.

the truth

i will not stop posting whatever the fuck i want on this blog.

the return

i am back "home," now. its sort of comfortable but, at the same time, i dont want to be here. i can't wait to see candace and keith, i've been anticipating it all day/week/beginning of my trip. i made my mom listen to Patton Oswald for an hour and she actually thought he was funny, i was surprised. i miss having a friend, the last two weeks its been family family family, and i can't wait to get back to never being home and i hope to up our party streak before summer ends. i miss getting hugs and being happy and holding hands, im just mostly excited to get back to life again, even though sometimes its like putting a fist full of sand in your mouth.

currently listening: Charlotte Gainsbourg-Jamais
" Never even scratched the surface
Though you're picking through my bones
It's the performance of a lifetime
It's my only starring role
Your leading lady needs direction
Your leading lady sleeps alone"

the idea!

so, i think i might use this as a photo blog now. cataloging my events daily, or at least try to, with a picture i've taken everyday. i got this idea from ayearfollowingthebreakup.blogspot.com which i've been reading from beginning to end, lately. i'll start today with a picture i took a few days ago, its from my grandma's semi-garden in her backyard. i say "semi" because she never waters it. whats great is that something so beautiful has blossomed wildly even in neglect.

im driving home to california in 7 hours.

currently listening to: Neko Case-Hold On, Hold On
" In the end I was the mean girl
Or somebody's in-between girl
Now it's the devil I love
And that's as funny as real love"

the wierdness

im torn, really.
i dont want to come home, at all. i dont want to go back to living in that house, or going back to work. i miss keith a lot, and i miss hanging out with candace tremendously.
i love portland, i love the downtown and especially hawthorne district. i want to move up here after high school possibly, but i promised a bunch of people i would apply to USF. god, i will never get i, its a waste of time and money. i dont know whats going to happen with keith and I, either. i dont want to live with my parents either, so portland seems like my only option.
everythings so wierd right now.

the detox

so im on this diet, and i now understand why the root of the word "diet", is die. its a week long thing, pretty much all i can eat is vegetables fruits rice beans and decaffeinated/unsweetened teas. it will clean my body of the shit i've been putting into it lately. its the first step i've taken into a better me. so far today i've eaten an apple, some cucumber pieces, and water. it doesn't seem to be making me feel better, yet.
we went to the Hawthorne District in downtown Portland today, we visited this great shop called House, this huge consignment store, and i finally got a hat (and also a present for keith).
for the duration of my trip i will be eating absolutely nothing, and peeing my way through whole city. woohoo!

the sadness

"im not your second, im not your third, i'll be yr bird." -M. Ward "I'll Be Yr Bird"


i'll be gone for a while, without my safety net, (candace, keith). im starting to feel incomplete already. i haven't seen him since tuesday, and i wont see him again until july 21st. it doesnt feel real just yet. i feel so underminded around him, like he deserves better than this wreck i've made for myself. maybe hes just as much as a wreck, inside. everytime im with him i just want us to be alone, with no one else around. just be able to sit there and talk without anyone remotely close. theres always other people around, watching talking eating walking judging, and i want them to go away. i want tons of people to go away, just to make us less complicated. even though shes not in the picture anymore, she still annoys the shit out of me, when we're around her sister we still act like its a secret. maybe im just confused? is this all a huge joke on me? its really been to good to be true, and im so scared for the future. im scared of all of this ending, this good feeling, it almost makes it not worth it.

i dont know whats going to happen in the future, and im so afraid.

the replacement

all of my old friends seem to only now be going through the phases i was in about two years ago. finding out the same bands i was into a while back, (rilo kiley, mates of state, etc.) and the way i dressed. its actually sort of weird, and i don't know if they're realizing they're doing this since we don't really talk anymore. I just noticed a strange pattern.
some bands i've been listening to a lot lately goes as follows;(according to my last.fm)
cocorosie, beirut, and bright eyes of course.
some songs i've been listening to on repeat lately:
Bright Eyes-Southern State
bBen Gibbard's cover of Joga by Bjork (its sooo pretty)

i dont know why im keeping this blog, for myself, or what. but im doing a pretty good job of explaining things in detail i otherwise would've forgotten if i hadn't written them here.
Today is 4th of July, our Independance Day. My mom is pissed off at me because im not supporting my family in lighting fireworks off in the street, considering what it symbolizes; A violent destructive weapon used in war, Bombs. i'm not "unamerican" if im anything i am MORE american for standing up and not supporting something i think is wrong.

i feel like there may be bigger and better things in this world for me, but right now im not good enough for them.

im going on vacation on sunday for two weeks to portland.