The Lapse

There has been a serious lapse in time here. I lost my computer charger in the move cross-country so there it is, my excuse.

Living in my own apartment is a kind of sanity I have always dreamed of. It feels like being in your teenage room, comfy, no loneliness at all. My job keeps me away most of the time, as it should. I couldn't ask for a better job, I feel like they are paying me to go back to school, I've been learning that much. Plus, I've met a lot of cool people, besides the asshole who stole my phone. So it goes..

My mental state has been in such a strange place lately. Maybe I'm thinking too much of it because I've never known what happiness feels like for more than a couple days. Everything pretty much fell into place when I got here with a job, the apartment, seeing family pretty often, all that was left was to clear my head. I am constantly searching for something wrong, I felt oddly uncomfortably comfortable when I broke into rage the other night over my stolen property, familiar feelings. I've been hanging out with someone who challenges everything that I am and everything that I've been, in a good way. If that makes any sense at all.

I don't want to say I regret anything, because regrets are only memories that you wish went differently but at least I've learned from most of them. It's 'unfortunate' that I have been in so many relationships, because now my love life is a joke to everyone. I always justify something new by calling it 'different' from the last, maybe it really is this time. He makes it easy for me to not think about the people who have hurt me in the past, because he is nothing like them, and that is all I can ask for. It's also nice to have a positive thinker around when I'm trying to be more of one. I have never been with someone who has been through such grief and overcome it, I like people with a story. I'm not asking to be shown the world through someone else's eyes, but it's nice to have different interests, he teaches me things and vice-versa. I think this is what is called a 'mutual-relationship'? I have been too busy trying to be in control. No one has ever pointed that out to me before. I have come to find that the person who you have chosen to love is a direct mirror of yourself, and it completely affects your well-being and choices.

As of now I am in a very clean state of mind, I don't even need to be high to go in public anymore. 

The Tunnel

Everything took a turn for the worst in the middle of my 'focused and moving forward' attitude. It's to be expected but never desired. Sadness makes me reckless, it makes it easier to control and focus my energy into forgetting. Someone I've known for over 6 years and felt close to called me an 'enigma' yesterday, perspective is an interesting thing.

13 days left to say goodbye to this place and these feelings. No more 'people-pleasing,' either. Something new I'm trying out.

There is no greater fear of mine other than death than to be controlled by another person. It is really damaging to a person like me. I am a negative person when it comes down to things but I do want happiness, rainbows, and butterflies, the whole lot. I can become so jaded by lust and what I think is love but I have to realize it on my own, right now, and feel stupid later. If honesty isn't enough, then there are no other questions, it's all I've got at this point. All I wanted out of this entire thing was to be close to you and your mind, at least I had it for a little while.

13 days left to pack and feel better. Don't Panic, Focus.


"the devil will find work for idle hands to do."

The Island

I have directed my complete attention to making my friends hate me over the last three weeks, apparently.
It's amazing to see the way people react when you don't give them what they want. When you fall out love, when you realize your friend is a complete waste, when you 'do you' for the time being. The last month has been a cluster of amazing bliss and confusing shit.

I sort of vanished for a while trying to forget about the important decision I had to make, and that upset people. I was constantly being texted, called, questioned by everyone. Why can't someone be alone for a while? When I say "I don't want to hang out today," there is no subtext of "I really actually want you to bombard me with phone calls until I do eventually give in and regret sitting around a table full of mindless insensitive assholes I only want to punch." I feel like people expect so much out of you as their friend. I expect nothing out of anyone and I think that is why it's so hard for me to grasp the concept.

The one person I could stand being around is gone now, not forever, but it seems like it when the end is left open. I never expected it to end without tears but I haven't felt this bad since right before graduation and right after, when everything just dissipated and I had no direction. Moving home will help me clear my head and distract me from the fact that I'm leaving my comfortable little corner of the world. I'm going to try and start running with my mom, help my Dad with the flower arrangement business he started with his friend, spend tons of time with my sister, and eat amazing food.

Last night I walked home with a random girl who is also going through some shit and we talked about life on our very short walk home. She hugged me and we wished each other luck. Why can't all of my interactions hold merit like this one? There is no room in my brain for petty conversation, I think too much.

My mom is coming to Albany May 20th and we're driving May 21st. Can't believe it.

The Head Spin

Right now I'm in the pits.

I have to decide whether or not to go home to California on June first, alone. It's stupid and unimportant so this won't be juicy, but thats the facts. I can either stay here through the rest of the year paying a ridiculous amount of money against my current financial ambition, for what feels like absolutely nothing mostly.

I feel like the people I connect to the most reject the hell out of my feelings most of the time. In one way or another. Maybe its just because when I meet someone I really like I want to squeeze the shit out of them until we're bored of each other and it's not fun anymore. I have never met anyone who was just cool with letting go at some point, is that weird? But five weeks is too soon, I always have such terrible timing. It is what it is and I am hoping that I will be so terrified of starting over new again that I won't feel my body digesting my heart.
This is me being grateful.

I've put my life on hiatus for over a week, but I did laundry today.

I am looking forward to spending my summer on the beach eating the best food in America, hanging out with my sister and most likely being reckless (hopefully) with Candace. (And also never being cold ever fucking again ever.)

I'm 80/20 right now. help.

The Ticking

I can't believe I'm going to reach the ripe age of 22 next month. My mom will most likely cry, like she does every year. Everything is in pieces right now, so I doubt the date will actually be much fun but the thought of it is lukewarm. It's a strange thing to be numb, I can so easily turn off one emotion and focus on another, subconscious-self-discipline. My chameleon-like tendencies are only going to help me in the long run.

Lately I have been feeling like an adult trapped in my 15 year old mind. I asked my grandma a few years ago if she feels '58' and she said no, she felt like she was a teenager still, and ever since then I can see the teen in her eyes. Now I feel like a 15 year old with this constant ticking in my ear, do you hear it too? Commitment is now the scariest thing in the world to me.

I wonder if I will ever be sane enough to keep my shit together for more than two years.

The Degrees

Isn't it strange how life can change in such short notice? It has been 80 degrees here, in March, for the last four days. I've been enjoying the park and barbecues with friends but the cold will cometh back soon enough, like tomorrow. I have a new job at another cafe, it pays the bills. In a sudden surprise ending, the owner of my old second home/cafe tragically died on his first motorcycle ride of the year. He was 38.

I'm glad the last true kitchen crew (without him) could come together for one last night at the spot. It was nice to see all the old customers and his dancin' friends...there is even hope of a re-opening. I feel like I'm the only person who he shared his true vision of the cafe with, start to finish. I was there opening day and left 2 weeks before the one year anniversary, I wish things ended better between us. His death smacked me in the face and his life taught me a lesson that you should never tell. In good faith...

Even this place isn't safe any more, dear ol' blog. But we carry on.

I can honestly say that a month ago I had a pretty bad idea of who my friends were. I've gotten to know some people from work who are really awesome, the kind of awesome that knocks on your door at midnight wasted and jumps in bed with you. And I've been getting to know someone I never thought I'd like. This house was fun while it lasted....but people let you down, always.

Connor and I are moving into a 2 bdrm until the end of the year so we can keep the kittens and not have to burden his Dad with them (at least this is my number one reason). California is the goal by 2013! All the pieces are in place it's just time to buckle down and save. I still have a few things to see before we go. We're planning my 22nd birthday/2 year anniversary trip to Portland, Maine for a weekend! I'm gonna get me some LOBSTA.

The Square One

I'm unemployed, again, this winter. There is a certain horizon in your mind when you realize someone has crossed it and there is no looking and no going back. I feel like I have been mistreated, mislead, completely and totally unappreciated. But I guess that's the way most jobs go. This was different though, because I dedicated the last year of my life to this business as a manager and now it all means nothing. Not because I was refused pay, or held accountable for every mistake, or the cold hard fact that we were rated 'worst coffee shop' in Albany behind Dunkin' Donuts. Talking down to your employees to make them feel like they are nothing just so you can walk all over them is not any way to do business. And all of those people who have complained the most about being incredibly mistreated are still working there because they either don't have the means, or the balls, to tell him to fuck off. I'm lucky to have someone by my side who will support my irrational decisions, simply out of love.

Apparently, taking all of my baking items and my recipes out of the place before I leave for 12 days isn't a big enough "I QUIT," because he's still texting Connor and I to work after I told him I'd never put up with his bullshit for minimum wage. You can't pay the rent? Let's just drop everyone's pay to minimum wage and see how many stick around. Not this guy.

The job I started before I left sucked and I haven't heard from them, so I'm off on a clean slate. All of this piracy protesting online has shut off my communication to the job world for today so I'm just sucking it up for now, getting my life back from vacation world and joining reality again (cleaning). At least this time I came back with good news and something to look forward to.

I finally have an opportunity to get back to California. My Uncle owns apartment complexes near my parents and is willing to offer me a place to stay for cheap until I get on my feet, which is all I could ever ask for. It's about an hour east of San Francisco which is far, but closer than I've been in the last 4 years. For now I just have to make ends meet until the car payment is done in September and then we're off. Finally a chance, finally a plan. I've dipped out of Albany life pretty much since I moved into our house with the only people I care to talk to, and I plan to keep it that way until I'm gone for good.

The Shit in the Fan

Things have been awful. I was puke sick on Christmas and cold sick on new years eve. I'm supposed to be leaving for California on Saturday, I was so excited and now I'm almost dreading it. The cafe seems to be indefinitely closing, and oh yeah, I'm not getting paid either. "There is no money" is not a valid excuse in my book. I don't want to get into this, I've been stewing about it for the last 3 days I feel like my head might explode. I'm writing because one of my dad's best friends from the beginning of eternity has just suddenly died this morning.

I've never dealt well with death, it's almost a denial thing. It just doesn't seem real enough to be dead. At such a young age, dying at 41 can only mean a human error of some sort. A patient being monitored for a fatty liver should be tested for every disease you could possibly think to be related, is this not apart of their job at hospitals anymore? Do they send out the bills without double checking their work? My dad's best friend is dead because someone was too fucking lazy and incompetent to do their job. How did no one no he had diabetes? His body was swollen, his pancreas, kidneys and liver were swollen. He died in a medical induced diabetic coma from internal bleeding that they couldn't find the source of. And I bet in less than three weeks there will be a medical bill waiting in his mourning parent's mail box.

I'm leaving for California on Saturday, a trip that was supposed to be about giving my parents a break from all the grief in their daily lives. Now I have to watch my entire family and friends go through their mourning period because someone fucked up and killed my dad's friend. He had the best laugh, he was always smiling, and everyone is going to notice when they don't hear that laugh at the next get together. I hope someone is held responsible for Kaiser hospital's 1,000,000th mistake. They almost killed my grandpa 2 years ago, if it wasn't him it would be someone else.

You never know that the last time you say good bye would be the last time forever.