The Head Spin

Right now I'm in the pits.

I have to decide whether or not to go home to California on June first, alone. It's stupid and unimportant so this won't be juicy, but thats the facts. I can either stay here through the rest of the year paying a ridiculous amount of money against my current financial ambition, for what feels like absolutely nothing mostly.

I feel like the people I connect to the most reject the hell out of my feelings most of the time. In one way or another. Maybe its just because when I meet someone I really like I want to squeeze the shit out of them until we're bored of each other and it's not fun anymore. I have never met anyone who was just cool with letting go at some point, is that weird? But five weeks is too soon, I always have such terrible timing. It is what it is and I am hoping that I will be so terrified of starting over new again that I won't feel my body digesting my heart.
This is me being grateful.

I've put my life on hiatus for over a week, but I did laundry today.

I am looking forward to spending my summer on the beach eating the best food in America, hanging out with my sister and most likely being reckless (hopefully) with Candace. (And also never being cold ever fucking again ever.)

I'm 80/20 right now. help.

The Ticking

I can't believe I'm going to reach the ripe age of 22 next month. My mom will most likely cry, like she does every year. Everything is in pieces right now, so I doubt the date will actually be much fun but the thought of it is lukewarm. It's a strange thing to be numb, I can so easily turn off one emotion and focus on another, subconscious-self-discipline. My chameleon-like tendencies are only going to help me in the long run.

Lately I have been feeling like an adult trapped in my 15 year old mind. I asked my grandma a few years ago if she feels '58' and she said no, she felt like she was a teenager still, and ever since then I can see the teen in her eyes. Now I feel like a 15 year old with this constant ticking in my ear, do you hear it too? Commitment is now the scariest thing in the world to me.

I wonder if I will ever be sane enough to keep my shit together for more than two years.