the last day of the year

my 150th post is also my last post of 2007.
i think I've grown up the most this year, but there is still so much more to learn. i know 2008 will be the year of complete growth, i'll be turning 18, hopefully going to college, and moving out, moving on.

If its one thing I've learned today, which can be applied to the entire year is, don't search for things you don't want to find.

Instead of my trip to Germany next summer i think I'll go to Peru with my pseudo Grandparents. It'll be cheaper and I'll be escorted around by secret service, but i can't tell you why.

Happy New Year!

some pictures..
this mine and my sister's F YOU to 2007 BOOOOO

Our woohoo to 2008!


Three generations(ish) of premenstrual syndrome


My dad's New Years gift to me

the horse

i accomplished nothing today besides some writing on my script, and i made an entire pony by hand. my nimble fingers are aching. it took me 2 hours but it was well worth it, his name is Safran. My mom brought me home a goldfish today too, her name is Augustine.

the insomnia begins

i can't sleep because i took a nap from 6pm to 8:45pm and it is now 1:13am.
I decided i'd start on my "screenplay" since I've been putting it off and now that i am unemployed i will have plenty of time to finish this task. i put it quotations because i hate that word.
Maybe i will call it my "script," instead. Yes, I've started to write my script.
I highly doubt its any good, but it does have some comedic elements and also some sad ones.
I named my character Beverly, because i want to call her Bev. Her roomate/best friend is named Kate because it sort of is like Candace, but not too much, then it'd be obvious.
As of yet, its called A Year After the Break-Up, but i might have to choose another title seeing as it is extremely close to the blog it was inspired by.
The elements of T's character (the boy) are a combination of all things good and bad i've experienced in previous relationships as well as my current one. I hope no one gets hurt by the fact that i'm writting the script this way.
The first few days were feelings/events i actually went through in various stages of a break-up. Its sort of hard to really portray feelings of being broken up with because it hasn't happened to me since 8th grade. Not to say i haven't been in relationships, i have, with many people, but somehow i am always the one who needs to let go. Didn't any of you ever get tired of me?
I made Kate real typical and spunky in the beginning, but towards the middle i want to develop her character into something more misanthropic and quick witted. Maybe we should use some of my ideas from the movie i want to make about Candace's misadventures.

If you want to read it, let me know and i'll send it you.

edit://
i fell asleep at 5 and woke up at 2:30, what is becoming of me?

the end of a great book/lists

Everything Is Illuminated ended the same way Rules of Attraction did, it makes me angry yet leaves me to wonder what might've been said.
If you don't know what i'm talking about the book(s) end mid-sentence.
Anyways, it was really imaginative and wonderful yet real depressing and smart. I will read another by this author to really determine my verdict on him though.

I might start Persepolis tonight, i have nothing else to do.

Yesterday i went to the city with Keith and spent money on some sweaters and books and a telephone receiver for my cell phone, its cute.

Today was my last day at work, it was sad and liberating, i can't wait to start someplace new.

I also starting doing some listing today at work when it wasn't busy, i tried to name all of the people i've kissed. Sadly, the number is 15. I don't even talk to 9 of them, and most were before Freshman year. I am a horrible horrible person. But, this has encouraged me to start a book of lists, anytime i think of a topic i will write it in this composition and i will have a list of things completely unnecessary. It is a premium idea.

the camera

I babysat yesterday for 6 hours, during that time i discovered her camera. This isn't creepy or anything, i wasn't snooping it was just on the counter. Anyways, i have taken pictures of her little girls before, and i decided i'd snap a few shots of them with her incredible camera, leave the good ones on there for her to find. Its a win win situation, i get to use the camera of my dreams and she gets some good pictures.
The moment i snapped the first frame, the mere sound of the shutter made me go weak. I've wanted the camera she has for a few months now, but this was the first time i actually got to use it. After seeing the incredible pictures i took in just 3 shots, i knew that having this camera will only improve my skills.
I want to study photography in the fall, i've never been so sure of anything.

the lull

its after christmas and everything has gone back to normal, sort of.
every year after the gastly holiday i refuse to clean my room for a while and just have my presents sitting around the room paper everywhere tags and wrappers thrown askew. i've done it for the past four years, why quit now?
my sister is getting her hair cut off as i type this, she is donating her luscious locks to a place that makes wigs for children going through chemotherapy. i know its a great cause and i'm happy that at her age she is willing to cut all of her hair of for charity, but i can't help but be angry at the fact that my mom puts ideas like these into her head. Whether good or bad, she is still trying to turn my sister into a little her. She more than likely did it to me when i was a kid but back then she was only 20 and much more free spirited, and now she's turned into this hidden angst super mom when no one has asked her to be.
I woke up to her screaming at my sister this morning, keep in mind she is 4 and my baby brother is 18 months old. While she was in the shower she asked her to watch him and during that time he fell over and bumped his head on something. Its really not a big deal considering his head is huge and he is always bumping it into things, but my sister, who is 4 years old, didn't know what to do. So, while he is crying at the door of the bathroom my mom is screaming at my sister to do something about it. Long story short, i came out of my room to calm to beast down, which is impossible, so i had a talk with my sister.
I asked her what happened why had mom been screaming all morning and she told me the story of how he bumped his head and she didn't know what to do. When i asked her why she didn't console him she spoke these words with her four year old lips and her 15 year old mind, "I am nobody's mother."

the end of 2007 LISTS!

seriously my favorite time of year is the end because of a new start, new unattainable resolutions, and lists! everyone makes lists, and i love reading them and making them!

Here we go:

FAVORITE ALBUMS 2007:(alphabetically)
-Beirut The Flying Club Cup
-Bright Eyes Cassadaga
-Daft Punk Alive
-Devendra Banhart Smokey Rolls Down Thunder Canyon
-Ed Banger Records Ed Rec. Vol. 2
-Jens Lekman Night Falls Over Kortedala
-Justice +
-M.I.A Kala
-Mirah and Spectratone International Share This Place
-Patton OswaltWerewolves and Lollipops
-Page France ...and the Family Telephone Rang
-Of Montreal Hissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer?
-Oh No! Oh My! Between The Devil and The Sea EP
-Sigur Ros Hvarf/Heim
-Simian Mobile Disco Attack Decay Sustain Release
-St. Vincent Marry Me
-Wilco Sky Blue Sky

FAVORITE ALBUM ART
-Akron/Family Love Is Simple
-Animal Collective Strawberry Jam
-Jens Lekman Night Falls Over Kortedala
-Panda Bear Person Pitch
-Wilco Sky Blue Sky

FAVORITE MOVIES(FROM WHAT I CAN REMEMBER)
-Wristcutters
-Juno
-Superbad, Knocked Up
-Across The Universe
-Jesus Camp
-La Vie En Rose

FAVORITE BOOKS
-Middlesex
-The Curious Incident of the Dog in Nighttime
-Slaughterhouse-Five
-Catcher In The Rye
-Rules Of Attraction

WORST!!!!!

WORST/OVERRATED/DISSAPOINTING (i only liked about 1 or so songs from these albums, sadly)
-Feist The Reminder(snoreeeee)
-Rilo Kiley Under the Blacklight(sad)
-Modest Mouse We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank(ehh)
-Bjork Volta(Timbaland ruined you!)
-Architecture In Helsinki Places Like This(so disappointing)

the christmas

this christmas was good, got a few things i wanted and a few things i needed. Like, film. Lots and lots of film.

My parents bought me a Diana +, and Keith got one too so now we can match!

I woke up real hung over, i won't go into details of the night before. Needless to say, i walked home drunk and made lots of phone calls. I'm sorry, really.

I've been really snappy lately, towards my family, i don't know if anyone else has been experiencing this from me, but i'm sorry about that too. I guess i'm just angry.

I finished painting keith's christmas presant and took a few pictures outside using my new tripod/animal/knex. it's crazy beyond belief.

the christmas eve

i went shopping early this morning, bought my dad a gift and found a bunch of things on sale for myself. i bought a few shirts at old navy and some movies at best buy. The Life Aquatic will never cease to amaze me. At the current time im trying to get out of going to this party up the block with my parents at someone's house i dont know.

Here are my reasons to avoid it;
1.It's my day off from bullshitting with people i don't know and/or care to know.
2.I'm awkward, socially.
3.My wisdom tooth (singular, i have only one) is growing in.
4.I'm sick.
5.If i have to pretend to love my family for one more second i might have a mental breakdown.

Here are my reasons to go;
1.Free food

"I am going to fight it, but i'll let it live."

i haven't told you all, but i'm starting to write a short film inspired by ayearfollowingthebreakup
you might remember when i found this blog in the summer, well its inspired me to intertwine our creativeness in a screenplay. I've never talked to him before but maybe he'll like to read the script when i'm finished.

the work weekend

the working weekend is over!! saturday was 9 hours, today was 8, i am finally done! I had lots of visitors, some who i haven't seen in ages. Mike and Adam came to see me unexpectantly, i haven't seen them since June. Mike is going to be at Skyline next semester too, so i'll have someone to hang out with. Jesse stopped by too, which is unusual because he stays away from the mall. I'm really going to miss all the girls at work, some i've become really close with and i know that if we were never forced to be together we would've never been friends. I remember when i first met Cherry, i thought she hated me, and i never really talked to Erin much, but now we're good friends.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, but i don't have to work, HURRAH!

Not one person said "Happy Holidays" to me today, it was all "Merry Christmas", what if i was Jewish?

EDIT://11.24pm
do you want to know why i really i hate the holidays? because it brings out the fucking worst in human nature.
if i'm suddenly rude to my mom she calls me ungrateful, she hasn't fucking given me anything yet and she calls me ungrateful. People buy you things to use it against you, its fucking stupid and i wish i didn't have to buy shit for my family i know they'll return anyways.
I fucking hate her so much, we haven't gotten along since i was 12 and i have a feeling this will never end. Coming home to her for the past 5 years isn't scary or anything, its fucking ridiculous. her rules and logic never make any fucking sense. i bought her something nice for christmas to show her that i give a fuck sometimes when she talks, now i wish i hadn't bought her anything.
Shes ungrateful for not being humble to the fact that I, and everyone else in this fucking house, put up with her idiot antics every god damn day.

the womyn's coats

i skipped a post, ironically on the day when i needed to release my inner frustrational energy. (write that down, i just invented "frustrational")

i spent almost all day with keith, roaming around eating pizza almost buying lots of crazy uneeded things. I bought some books though, we saw a horrible movie, The Savages. We sat by the ice rink in Embarcadero and talked and listened and sort of solved a manic problem i conjured in 5 minutes. My brain sometimes, is no use to me.

this picture sums up everything i love, San Francisco and You.

the cake

i was covered in cake for 9 hours today, my friends brought it and coated me in it.
That was after i accidentally offended everyone in my economics class during my final presentation.
all in all, an extremely long day.

tomorrow is my last day of high school, i will cry.

the words

someone was really harsh to me today, a friend. what they said made me cry, but it needed to be heard, i needed someone to say it to me.
everything will suck for while, but i need to face it.

im really sad to be leaving my friends at school, only 2 days left.

Jesse and I finished our final video.

the numbness

its freezing, good thing i was inside all day at work.

went in in the morning, came out in the night.
Got left.
thought someone stole money from me, but it was just my brain.
bought Jesse a christmas present on a whim.
learned how to count to three in 5 languages.

Bought 4 movies last night, watched two. I have a final to do today.
-Science of Sleep
-Eternal Sunshine
-Memoirs of a Geisha
-Virgin Suicides

"baby don't go away, please."

the pants

im disgusting,
my brain is falling apart,
and i don't know what to do.

the overwhelming days

whoever you knew you could feel everything you've never wanted to feel, at once?
I have 4 days of high school left, forever, and im scared out of my mind. I'm have absolutely no time to do any of my finals, im stressed. My group in Economics has diminished to me doing all the work because no one cares or shows up. These last two days i've just needed someone to talk to, someone to hold my hand, someone lie with. I called Jake crying last night, i didn't know who else to talk to.

No more soccer in p.e., no more ceramics, no more Jesse in Film class, or Nick in Drama. I've thrown myself into growing up, this is what i've been wanting, to leave all those stupid people behind and forget high school, move on. I can"t do this.

Im so depressed and and scared and stressed and its these days when i wish i could've just been invisible.

the dust

she might not've had the internet back in her day, but we connect on a heartbreaking level today.

left in the dust in the dust in the dust in the dust.
sometime more likely later than sooner, i'll get over the fact that girls can never see the line I've drawn around you. They never know when they've crossed it. I give up on getting mad over this, its not solving anything, clearly, and I don't think its funny.

i talked to Jake for 40 minutes last night, kept me up, and then i passed out around 12:30. I went over to Jesse's to do our final for film after school, we took five hours to watch boogie nights and go through each other's shit.

I've been listening to Butterfly all week, i can't get over how beautiful this song is.
"Maybe I need fantasy
Life of chasing butterfly"
when i stop being a jerkoff about fixing and getting back on my guitar, i'll play it and sing it to myself.

I tried to listen to Campfire Kansas today, i still can't without crying. It reminds me of a really happy time in my life, and also moving away. We cried to that song.

the official day

today i officially, and formally, quit my tiresome job. believe me, it was for the best. 1 year 3 months slaving for people who hate me for being apart of their Manila away from Manila. I officially finished reading Running With Scissors at around 1 in the morning, it was really funny, i wouldn't call it a favorite though, more of just a casual 3-day-read.
This morning i was so angry about how stressed i was that i shed a tear in my film class, no one saw it though. Jesse was there to make me laugh, so things got better. I finished the first firing stage of my mosaic in ceramics, and i will hopefully have it done (glazed, glued, and grouted) by next Thursday.

Congrats to West 44 by the way!!

the 505

(Im glad i cooled down a few minutes before i wrote this because i was about to go on a rampage about how much i hate everything about living in the same house with toddlers and seniles.)

Maybe moving here wasn't such a good idea, i've met some great people and everything, but if i just would've stayed i wonder how much different my life would've turned out. Before the summer of Junior year, i wish they would've never messed up my schedule so i wouldn't have gotten mad and made this impulsive decision. I missed Jake a lot today, just us hanging out watching cartoons and fucking around in his room while he played the drums. Its been a while since i felt comfortable in one place, and thats the last time i remember feeling like myself. I don't feel like i've grown, i feel like i've stayed the same person, regression, moving here has stuck me in a lull of growing.

I miss sitting in my green room on my big bed or at my stupid computer desk i put together the same night that i realized how great Mates Of State were. Or seeing hot air balloons every morning. I miss my dog we had to give away, the one that i loved, he was mine, sleeping in my room with his head on my lap while i sent a million text messages to Jake about how i refused to get him n00ds of my cousin. I miss the unusual snow, and the way my garage door got stuck when it was too cold. Or eating green chili on anything, absolutely anything. Or attempting to make cupcakes in my orange/baby blue fiesta kitchen. Or that one day my dad tried to kill Jake, and the whole rest of the days when we talked about it. Or playing with goldie and getting driven home on that dark unpaved Corrales road.

I miss living in the middle of nowhere with no where to go or any places to be. (except maybe stealing a cake from cold stone)

"I told you I would return
When the robin makes his nest
But I ain't never coming back
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry"

Today, crying, was the only thing i was okay with.

the ridiculous finals

i have a performance final for both Drama and Film, that asshole is making us do the same project in both classes. I despise doing poetry slams, poetry makes me want to kill myself most of the time, i just don't like it. I'd rather read you an excerpt from a book that meant something real without the use of metaphors.

You know what else i'd like? For someone to play and sing me Butterfly by Weezer, i think i'd die if anyone ever did. My hair has grown so i can put it up now, its so weird. Today i'm feeling a little out of it, like im not really here, im just breathing and walking, an empty basket if you will.
My top artist on Last.Fm this week was Sufjan Stevens! p.s. Eisley sucks, i can't believe i used to actually listen to this. Awkward Things I Say To Girls hasn't updated in a while, i'm getting a bit anxious. I wonder how many times i can change the subject in one paragraph.



I got a Christmas card in the mail today from Candace! I love you!

the belittlement

no one has ever made me feel like such a worthless piece of shit, like you did today. Mom, one day you'll know that i've been going through more shit in the last 3 years than you could ever comprehend. My job is not a joke, and my life is not a joke, no matter how much saying it makes you feel better about yourself. I'll better than you, someday soon.

Baby, all i want is for some sort of magic to lift you up and keep you safe. My hands can only reach so far, please be careful. I love you more than you'll ever know.

the christmas playlist!

i made this cover!
as far as my "Happy Fucking Holdiays" playlist goes, its coming along nicely. some of the artists are a tad lame, but necessary. you cannot get enough of a blink-182 christmas. i am not done compiling this list! im only on page 21 of absolutepunk.net's christmas music thread!

my favorites are in bold!!

Adam Sandler-Hanukkah Song
Beck-Little Drum Machine Boy
Belle&Sebastian-The Twelve Days of Christmas
Ben Kweller-Rock of Ages
Blink-182-I Won't Be Home for Christmas
Blink-182-Happy Holidays, You Bastard
Bright Eyes-Blue Christmas
Bright Eyes-White Christmas
Cartel-Rocking Around the Christmas Tree
Casiotone For the Painfully Alone-Cold White Christmas
Cindy Lauper-Santa Baby
Chris Walla-Coventry Carol
Coldplay-Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
Copeland-Do You Hear What I Hear?
Death Cab For Cutie-Christmas(Baby Please Come Home)
The Decemberists-Please Daddy(Don't Get Drunk This Christmas)
The Format-Holly Jolly Christmas
Good Charlotte-Christmas By the Phone
Hanson-Merry Christmas Baby
Hellogoodbye-Winter Wonderland
Joey Ramone-Merry Christmas(I Don't Want To Fight Tonight)
Joey Ramone-What A Wonderful World
John Lennon-Happy Xmas (War Is Over)
My Chemical Romance-All I Want For Christmas Is You
Pedro The Lion-The First Noel
Phantom Planet-Winter Wonderland
Phantom Planet-Carol Of the Bells
Ramones-A Punk Rock Christmas
Rooney-Merry Xmas Everybody
Run DMC-Christmas In Hollis
Rilo Kiley-Xmas Cake
Sufjan Stevens-That Was the Worst Christmas Ever!
Sufjan Stevens-Holy, Holy, Holy
Weezer-The Christmas Song
Weezer-Christmas Celebration
Wham!-Last Christmas(I Gave You My Heart)- - ->completely necessary.
White Stripes-Candy Cane Children
Zooey Deschanel & Leon Redbone-Baby Its Cold Outside

any suggestions?

i will upload this to rapidshare sometime soon, look out for it!

the mickey avalon attraction

its so weird, i have no idea where on earth this comes from. i find him oddly attractive in the freakiest nastiest sort of ways. i think it might be the tattoos and the whole "fuck you i fuck everything that walks i used to be a prostitute" thing. Seriously, the man has "Thank You" tattooed above his penis.

the weezer reunion

i can finally listen to Weezer again without feeling like a total dick, don't ask.
So i spent all day listening to Pinkerton, then during babysitting we cleaned up listening to The Beatles.

in an effort to bring some christmas into my life this season, i started making a christmas playlist. Which consists of Bright Eyes, and Sufjan Steven's holiday albums and a few festive tracks by Mew, Casiotone for the Painfully Alone, and Death Cab. Death Cab For Cutie's version of "Christmas(Baby Please Come Home)" completely says how i feel about now.

i woke up this morning to 7 text messages from people i care about, it cheered me up. I woke up sad, it was completely ridiculous and Anita was sad too so we had a sad rainy day.

i made 110 tax free dollars babysitting for 6 hours. Which means watching Shrek, eating Chinese food, and watching SLC Punk! after they fell asleep. Compared to this, my real job is complete hell.

I have to study for my economics test right quick, but incase you were wondering the Daft Punk helmet i made in ceramics is done. Here is the rest of the world's first glance!(It cracked, i know.)

the hiatus

sorry its been a few days. i seriously haven't had time enough for sleep, let alone updating this unread blog!

I went to the pre screening of Juno monday night at Embarcadero Theater which was completely amazing, expecially when Michael and Ellen sang in the end, it was so adorable. Definitely one my favorites of 2007. I got a whole bunch of free things too, shirts, pens, stickers.

I've been working and schooling non-stop the last two days, napping in the car on the way to and from, i wish i was joking. I went to the dentist yesterday in between school and work, horrible bloody experience. and when i say bloody, i don't mean it in the European sense of the word, i mean actual blood was involved, from my mouth.

some people really disgust me in how much they involve themselves in other people's lives, i mean seriously, its getting creepy.

tomorrow i will be babysitting all day after school.

my knees are all fucked up again.


The Long Goodbye-El Scorcho(Weezer Cover) oh how i love you more and more michael cera..

the 24 hours of Michael Cera

i had an 8 hour shift at work today, got home around nine and decided to finish up watching season 2 of arrested development. (my favorite episode so far has been s2ep16) When i get home from school tomorrow i'll watch season 3, its fairly short. Then at 6 we'll leave to see the Juno screening at Embarcadero Theater! I couldn't be more excited. Maybe i'll throw in a couple Clark & Michael episodes during ceramics when i have nothing to do...

the first day of the christmas month

look how happy he is now that the tree is up!
if everyday was like today, seeing you, loving you, kissing you, squeezing you; i'd never have any excuse to be angry or sad. i know every time we make fun of each other its out of pure love! its hard not being able to see you very often, but its days like these that make up for all of the time we spend apart. i love San Francisco, especially when its cold, but i love you more. one day we'll be able hang around in our basketball shorts watching movies, reading books, building things out of silly putty, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes whenever you want to.

i love you so much

the bitch

i have never had to sit down to keep myself from punching her, until today. my mom is the biggest fucking manipulating asshole i have ever met. i can't even begin to tell you the story. sometimes i feel bad about moving out within the next year, because i might miss her and everything, but its days like these i wish i would've stayed in portland a few summers ago, with my grandma like i had planned.
this all started because i needed to go to the bank for 15 minutes to get the money i'd earned from my fucking job. she made a big deal out of it because i don't have a bank account, which wouldn't be the case had she gotten me the identification i needed, right? so suddenly its my fault because i didn't fucking Google it and figure it out myself. I am not joking you, she told me i should've "googled it," now why in the fuck would i do that when she is 30 years older than me and knows how to already? She told me she would get me one, go down to where ever you're supposed to, and fucking get one. So she turns this into the whole "you need to be more responsible, you're getting older, i can't do everything for you anymore, this topic is completely irrelevant," thing.
I was so mad i was shaking and had to turn around, go into another room and sit down to keep from going Hiroshima on her.

i didn't know you could have so much hate for someone you were inside of.
if i can't get a place after i turn 18 here in San Francisco, or i don't get into school in New York, i'm going to Portland.


i hate when Joe gets so mad at her he tells her to take us and leave. i will never forget it.

the long days

tuesday and today, wednesday, have been the most tiring days in the last month or 11. i haven't been able to sleep because i get home from work at 10:30 so im still hyper and i want to do things i didn't get to do all day, like maybe clean my room or fold laundry because my room looks like a Katrina victim. But i fall asleep at 1 and wake up at 7, late, get to school, late, then after school by 3:30 im at work and then i have absolutely no time for sleeping or browsing music blogs.

happy 6 month anniversary!! our house made of silly putty will be glorious and melty...

i fucking love you

im not a boy! some kid in my class said i looked like a boy because of my short hair, i was really sad so i bought some earrings. i have a huge scratch/burn on my knee from playing indoor soccer in p.e, i got excited, i fell. work was so long my feet hurt, im sore.


sleep, i can haz it?

the weird mood

i've been in a weird mood today, and most of last night when i couldn't sleep.
it didnt help that i listened to Devendra Banhart all day.

i had to walk home mostly alone until Nick picked me up. we went to his house, ate a brownie, and he took me home. i didn't feel like doing anything so i slept till 6. my eyes started bothering me in ceramics and i started to get pissed, i couldn't rub them because i had clay all over my hands. I stuck it out though. I finished the Daft Punk helmet though.
I can't believe i only have 18 days of high school left. I have to talk to my ceramics teacher about the new project we're starting because its supposed to be the first grade in our second semester, but i won't be there, so i have to figure out what to do. we're doing mosaics, I've been looking forward to this since last year. I really can't wait until the helmet is fired and i can bring it home and set it down on my shelf, look at it everyday, and be proud that this is my favorite thing i've ever made with my hands. I'm going to miss that class.

I thought i had work today, but i didn't.

I'm really tired of being myself, its days like these when i feel invisible and brushed off by everyone i talk to.

edit:/9:54
i just had an alarming conversation with my mom about insurance and turning 18 and growing up. i have sort of come to the conclusion that i just don't want to do that. i don't want to grow up and be alone in an apartment paying my own rent struggling to get by, because im fucking scared out of my mind to do so. i could stop here and now, i had a good run, but im too afraid to do that either. i don't want to do this alone. honestly, i've been putting off applying to dream school because im scared of going to New York by myself where i will constantly be intimidated by others whose passion for photography is better, stronger. i know this is normal to be scared. but why'd i have to start feeling like this less than a month away from when all of it starts?

and when i say "doing this alone" i don't mean in a relationship type sense, i don't need someone to love me for the rest of my life to get by. I mean someone to move in with me, show me how to pay bills and drag me and a hefty bad full of clothes to the laundromat.

the castro theater

i swear the place is so beautiful inside.
i went to the Sound Of Music Sing-A-Long with my little sister, mom, and her friend, and her friend's cousin Josh. He knew every line to it, i felt so under minded. He was really funny though, it was the best day this week. I can't wait for Grease!
The colors in this picture come out so bright, yeah i really took that, it looks like a painting. Not my talent i swear, the whole place is like a dream.

I stayed up till 3am last night looking at daft punk tattoos, forums, pictures, groups. After keith called i couldnt fall back asleep. I have however, decided that daft punk was the greatest event ive ever been to in my life, i hope they play Coachella next year, I will be going.

Some men dressed up for the Sing-A-Long, they wore hats. I wish men would wear fedoras again, they're so classy. My greatest weakness is a man in a black suit and hat, i realized this today.

the stomach ache

i feel nauseous.

im so sorry for the last week i was so mean to you for no reason, i love you and i need you more than anything.

" Because how I ever got to you, I have no idea
It's like some secret door, well, it just appeared
So, no matter what I do from now on with my time
You will always stay here in my mind
I am certain of this and I am not certain of anything"

the 9 hour work day

this friday is called "hell friday" for a reason.
i've been standing for the last 9 hours, serving people. although they weren't unusually rude, which is surprising. i got a lot of text messages, from David, Jesse, Anita, Candace. i guess everyone was in a texting mood today. i came home to a new Nylon and my course schedule for Skyline. I didn't get into the photography class, bummer. But i did get into painting 1 and english 100, my classes start at 11 so that means i will never be tired again!

but for now, i am exhausted.


edit://
i found my dad, he lives in Burlingame. His mom lives in Colfax, and i have her address.

the summer

do you remember the summer? life was much easier then. i didn't get mad at you, i didn't get mad at stupid things. i know things are different now, with you being away and everything, but i'm trying to make ends meet. its hard every time you go back, i miss you more and more each day. It'd be nice if we didn't have time limits, more modes of transportation, and less distance. But we don't, and its time for me to start dealing with that. Things i don't have and that are out of reach, i have to accept that. I'm really afraid of what will happen with us, who really knows? Sometimes loving someone is like jumping off a cliff blindfolded hoping there aren't rocks underneath the cold surface of the water. Who can really know?

Constantly throwing my heart out to you can wear me out, but will you still accept my tired heart when my toes hit the water? honestly, all i have to give you at this confusing point in my life, is love. even with your reassurance, i still feel like a chore.

the thanksgiving ruiner

this year it wasn't me.
my mom decided to throw a huge fit about everything even before anything started.
I called my Grandma to tell her how much i missed her and wanted to be there, and not here. I hate that my family is falling apart, and theres nothing i can do to save it. My parents hate each other, and i think its my mom's fault. She complains about everything, has a smart ass comment about everything, and argues about anything she can think of.

i'm calling Carrie this week, its just something i need to do, no matter how much it hurts my mom.

edit://

i guess it wasn't so bad. food was good, family was nice, drunk is nice.

the senior quote

im not getting a yearbook but this was my senior quote..

"one day we will die and our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea."

its a Neutral Milk Hotel song, i wish i could've included the whole verse, it wouldn't fit. it ends like this,

"but for now we are young let us lay in the sun and count every beautiful thing we can see."

fitting, i guess.

i voted Nick for worst driver, most likely to ask you for a dollar, most likely to make you pee your pants laughing & Tony for most likely to get voted off the island first.

school was short and stupid, i didn't laugh at all. Jesse wasn't there in class so i somehow got forced into talking with Tommy, who is a complete idiot and smelt like a shrub. He kept telling me how good he was at guitar and blah blah blah and i just kept saying, "I can't believe Jesse's not here."

I need a hug today, feeling like shit. I think its the holidays. Their always better with someone you love around, i've missed you this week.

the frozen insides

its cold as hell!

half day tomorrow, then a 4 day weekend, but not really because im working 2 of the days. 8 hours shifts suck so so hard.

the mother's mac

im currently using a mac computer at the house i babysit, its so beautiful i can't help but use it when i'm here. i love babysitting here because they have every technological advance from the last year. wii, ps3, apple tv, lcd screen microwave, etc. one day i hope my pictures will get me this life.
i got an A on my photo project in film class, my teacher shared it with everyone and i felt really embarrassed.
I took pictures of these little girls a month or so ago and their parents used the pictures on their christmas cards, i feel honored.

maybe this career is a good idea, maybe not.
i'm just scared of rejection of any kind, and i didn't realize it till now.
if i don't get into Parsons all my confidence about my pictures will dwindle into this shallow puddle.
______________________________
edit:8:53

i've changed my mind about today being just alright.

have you ever been so mad sad scared shocked that you needed to seriously take a break from thinking just to take a breath and stop yourself from having a heart attack? im not going to blow this off, this is a big fucking deal. i can't fucking believe it. i want to cry and its not because im sad, this anger has literally stopped my heart from beating normally.


_________________
edit:9:32

i wish i could stay mad at you.

the sleeping sister

i woke up around 11:30 and watched some television.
i hung out with Candace, went to Target and made some fudge we have yet to chill and eat.
I came home and played with my sister, braided her hair and read a few chapters in Lafcadio.
I put on Amelie around 8, she watched it without a sound for an hour before she fell asleep. I know she didn't understand it in French and she can't read subtitles so the fact that she stayed interested for a good hour says a whole lot.
That movie will change your life in so many ways it's ridiculous.

Some days i wish i was Amelie, i think i'd feel better about myself if i was.

Photograph:"you idiot, she's in love!"
Nino:"but i don't know her"
Photograph:"Yes you do."
Nino:"from where?"
Photograph:"In your dreams."

the boss

work was extremely bad, and i'll only be working there for a few more weeks now. i can't and won't put up with her shit anymore, fuck you.

i developed all of my random fish eye rolls, tons of pictures.

its cold.

the babysitting

today was an alright day at school, sort of weirdly eventful. learned a valuable lesson; don't mess with Jesse because he will punch you in the face out of nowhere, then run away to tell me about it. crazy!
after school i made 100 dollars doing this (see above). the kids are extremely easy and adorable so i actually love doing it. Plus their house is like that movie Smart House, except Peggy doesn't talk to you. Their microwave is an LCD screen, and they have Apple TV! After the kids went to sleep i watched Requiem For A Dream, I've been meaning to see it for a while, that movie is so fucked up and great. Then i watched Jesus Camp again, it always gets me going on a rampage against Evangelical crazies. I wont even start with you.

work tomorrow, more money makin'. i think i'll develop some more film.

the wierd sleep

i woke up this crazy this morning, i was so tired i couldn't even open my burning eyes, so i just stayed in bed. i'm heading on the path of becoming a semi-recluse, its sort of freaking me out, but i like it. it worked for Boo Radley didn't it?
i'm going to try and push through A Memory Keeper's Daughter another 50 pages, to see if changes from being one of the most boring too-many detailed books i've ever read.
I watched Almost Famous and everytime it makes me fall in love with Patrick Fugit and want to drop everything and go on tour with a band i would want to write about, like Neutral Milk Hotel. Too bad that'll never happen.

I'm really excited for these Germany plans because that's the closest i'll ever get to leaving everything behind.

I haven't been taking pictures lately, theres something wrong with that, or me.

the itch

"You said, "I'm done feeling like a skeleton
No more sleepwalking dead"
You're going to wake from this coma
You're going to crawl from this bed you have made
And stop counting on that camera
That hangs round your neck
Because it won't ever remember
What you choose to forget
As you try to find some source of light
Try to name one thing you like
You used to have such a longer list
And light, you never had to look for it
But now it's so easy to second guess everything you do
Until all you want is to finish this half empty glass
Before the ice melts away
This feeling always used to pass
But seems like it's every day
Seems like it's every night now"
-A Line Allows Progress, A Circle Does Not

the itch

today was just plain stupid.
i miss you, and i want you to come home and give me a hug right now.

the easy test

i aced the english placement test at Skyline after school, so now like i immediately intended to do, will take english 100 instead of remedial 836. My counselor said no one ever passes high enough on it, never say never. its sort of my thing, i guess.

next semester is about to be the greatest thing ever. i plan on getting a second job to save up for next summer so i can stay with Clara in Germany for a little while.
Here are my plans, so far, for the year of 2008.

January 3rd-15th(ish) Portland
Jan 24th SATs, Send in my application for Parson's
January 23rd-Mirah (with keith, we've been waiting months!)
Start my first and only semester at community college, wake up every tuesday and thursday to be at class at 8:10 taking photography 1 and english 100 (whoop) and be out by 12:30
Apply at Trader Joe's in Westlake (i hear good things, such as discounts, pay and benefits=amazing)
My 18th birthday May 28th
June 2nd, officially get my diploma, (a.k.a. walk across a stage and be handed a folder)
work my ass off until Mid June to Mid July- Germany/rest of europe by train. clara said its only 4 hours to Italy and 3 to France. awesome awesome awesome

2008 is about to be the best year of my new legal life.

the eye infection

IM SICK!

I really don't think this eye infection will ever go away. Almost twice a week it comes back and i have to use the eye drops. Don't freak out, it's not contagious, but i've been getting it for the last 8 months or so. It sucks, my eye lids get all puffy and red, my eyes look like little cherry tomatoes.
In other news, I have work today on my day off from school which is a total bummer.
Also, i'm planning a trip to Portland really soon to get away from all of this nonsense in the house. Its like non-stop screaming in here, i think all of us are feeling the tensions of living too close to one another for the last year. Plus, whenever something wrong goes in my life i tend to gravitate towards my grandparents, maybe it's an instinct. I'm trying to get a week off of work, im hoping for two but i really doubt it. It can't be until after the first of the year though, because i was strictly told that i could get NO HOLIDAY TIME OFF. Considering that another one of the girls quit last week, i'll be booked with hours. It's a good and bad thing. I have to be there a lot, but my checks are fat(phat).
I need to get a bank account real soon to start saving some money to spend there.
Portland is really beautiful when it's cold.

I, however, am not so beautiful when i have a cold.

i also forgot to mention that the only two people in new mexico that don't hate me called one right after the other last night, maybe they could sense i was feeling down. oddly enough, the dislike each other.

the winter

is it just me, or do the blue tones in winter make you feel more in love? we were soaking wet for hours, but as walked through the pouring rain for millions of city blocks the only thing that stayed considerably dry was our hands intertwined.

my parents were considering moving back to New Mexico as of last night. I can't go i won't go, i can never go back there. it'd also be really nice if everyone would stop trying to make me feel like more of an asshole, because it's working and all i want to do is forget about it. isn't it enough that i've dragged my name through the mud and all i have to blame is myself? get over it, get over me.

today i made this, because last night San Francisco rain ruined my favorite shoes.

the hate yourself change

-immediately giving credit to Neva Dinova for that title

Ended up going with Jesse to see American Gangster, i haven't been on the drug dealer's side since Blow. Great movie 4.5./5 the half a point is for all the cameos. T.I. and Common were both Frank's brothers in it.

im so tired and i have work pretty early tomorrow but i get to see keith afterwards so woop!

i've been feeling like an asshole lately

the ehh

Heim/Hvarf is great

listening to Sigur Ros reminds me of Sophomore year when i lied in bed and listened to them while i would think, or nap, or keep warm under my blankets in my cold room. i miss how simple that entire year was, from september 2005 to may 2006, was a great time in my life, the easiest. when i moved here my life got complicated.
lately i've realized how sorry i am for hurting you, you didn't deserve it. i will never hurt anyone like that again.

im sad and want to be left alone for a day just entire day alone, no texts no messages no phone calls no tv no computers. it's seeming impossible.

the best day this month

so, i know its only been about 7 days into the month of November but its been pretty bad so far, this day was really great though.

First off i'd like to start by congratulating myself on my ONE HUNDREDTH POST!!
it's been 100 posts of happiness and agony, bad moods and a bunch of stabs towards people i don't like. This blog is really documenting my life well. I go back to read my posts and remember things i haven't, and re-live the baby days of me and Keith.

School was really great, we got out early but all my classes were really fun. i'm being totally serious, my classes were fun. Besides the palestinian/jewish war going on at school, it was a great day. I went to skyline after to drop off my application and take the placement test but like an idiot i forgot my school id so now i have to do it tomorrow. Then i got home and everyone was a in a bad mood and fixing the window in my room so i decided to message jesse and ask him to come eat some popsicles with me, he lives down then up the street so no driving was involved. We met up talked about MESA (middle easter student association) club and how pissed they were at that kid Eddy. Then we hiked up in the woods and threw a bunch of garbage at each other. i can feel my bruises forming.

all around a great great great day.

the iffy bad day

school, bad/got my skyline forms signed, figured out my mid-year graduate dates. got in a Pen War with Jesse and lost at the account of a dry erase marker sneak attack coming from all unexpected directions.
work, alright/full of shocking news. Nick and Zach visited! spilled boiling water on my hand, didn't make any money for the store and read some of Memory Keeper's Daughter.
after work keith and i insulted each other on the phone for 40 minutes , just wait till this weekend jerk.

i'm dead tired, longest day ever.
tomorrow i will take my placement tests to get into English 100, because i ain't built for remedial english classes! Next semester will be so great, no more high school and my classes are only from 8 to 12:30 tuesday/thursday so i can go to work right after, whoop. this is only 1 step closer to Parsons, i'm determined to get in.

today Johnathan (not the one from Ecuador) told me i was coming out of my "shell," which i've noticed this year too. I have friends in every class and i talk. I'm less embarrassed to be myself around my classmates, i haven't had friends like this since middle school. If all of my high school years were this alright, maybe it wouldn't have been so bad for the first 3.

the whoops

somethings in life you can't take back, no matter how much it hurts someone else you can't go into the past and change it. i'm not trying to justify any of it, considering the circumstances we both did a lot of lying at the time, but it's hard for me to feel bad about something i did a year ago. It could possibly be the meanest thing i've ever done to someone else, and by trusting the wrong people it got around and now back to you. i honestly thought you'd never find out, but it happened and thats all i can say. I don't regret it for a second, if it never happened i wouldn't be here now with a door of opportunity open to me with other people. I knew we weren't meant to be together forever, and i guess he taught me that. He taught me that it's alright to fall out of love. The rest of our relationship after i left was a huge obligation, we both knew that. All i can say is that i'm sorry for hurting you, back then it was real to us, and only now is it real to you.

I'm just sort of glad i don't live there anymore, to deal with it directly because i'm coward and couldn't face you if i ever saw you again.

the reunion

saw keith today for the first time in 3 weeks, i missed him a lot. we saw Wristcutters, it was so so great. i'm tired, really.

Today i've realized how badly i don't want to get old and how i'm so afraid to die. I wonder if i'm in one of those "what does this all mean" stages. i don't know how i got here and i don't know whats going to happen. i need to take another trip to portland just to talk to my grandma, she's the only one who gets me out of these kind of situations. Everytime i'm in a bad stage i go to visit her and everything else seems right again. i feel so bad about myself, everything i've done, everything i am. i'm so afraid, i don't know what to do.

" When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"

at this moment, i've never felt so alone.

the funniest thing

I guess its not so funny as much as it is pathetic that people that despise me read this blog more than people who actually enjoy my company. Believe it or not, but i do have friends. Good luck with your life though, really. I hope you find something other than reading about my life to spend your time, we're only in this world for so long..

Work was absolutely terrible, it was Hello Kitty's birthday and it was a crazy madhouse in the store. I got yelled at by some lady for not giving her kid a sticker when i have 60 people in the store asking for balloons at the same time. It made me feel really terrible about the human race that you have to insult someone on how they do their job because you didn't get a sticker fast enough.

I got a ridiculously huge tv put in my room, it hurts my eyes.
My room is so disgusting, it's full of ridiculous nicknacks my dad's mom's been collecting for years, i can't wait to move out of here. I won't say grandma because last week she decided to tell me she doesn't consider me a grandaughter, since we're not REALLY related. i mean i know that, step nonsense doesn't really count, but she's known me for 6 years you'd think she'd consider me apart of her family.

(yeah i was watching Drank&Josh, it's the mustache episode!)bummer.

the aftermath

considering last night was Halloween and i somehow developed a cold in twenty minutes i decided to only go to three classes today, the ones i actually don't mind going to. Film, ehh class but i have a funny friend, Jesse, in it. Ceramics Advanced because it's my favorite class i've ever taken in high school, but today we got a new seating chart because the idiots at my table never do any work while i silently create everyday, now i have to sit in an uncomfortable spot next to a bunch of people i really truely hate. Especially when she decided to play some awful mix of Daft Punk at the "costume contest" yesterday during lunch. I thought in order to fulfill the "grunge kurt cobain for3v3r"persona, you had to hate your school and not be the person in charge of school spirit. Real punk rock, you asshole. I don't care how nice you are, if you're annoying and stupid as fuck i'll hate you. Then i went to drama because with Nick its always a laugh fest, we never do anything in that class, ever.

I came home, read a bunch of Middlesex and watched Mythbusters, took a nap. The best part about being a vegetarian is that i now have to make my own dinner which means i can eat it whenever i want, which almost always means i don't have to sit at the table with my parents as they scream at my siblings to sit down and eat. I plan on finishing Middlesex tonight, it took a giant twist i didn't see coming so now i want to see what happens in the end. I really could see it being a movie, just the way its written, but i know hollywood would take hold of it and squeeze it for all its worth to become another Virgin Suicides.

The Halloween

With foreign exchange students! it was a lot of fun, my Fafi costume didnt hold up in the cold so i decided to make myself an iPod last minute

the earthquake

there was a 5.8 earthquake about 30 minutes ago that scared me half to death. Good thing i react quickly, my sister was in my room so i threw my computer on my bed grabbed her opened my door and stood in the doorway. for the 3 seconds i sat on my bed i could feel the entire house shake above me. This house is old and i could feel the structure of the house bending i was so scared it was going to fall.
This is the third earthquake i've ever felt, the second was when i was in oregon and my grandparents live in a hill their house is on stilts, but this was more scary.

unexpected natural disasters are the worst

IF YOU LIAKE BULLETZ N PEPPEROHNI YOU COME TO TEH RIGHTZ PLACES

tomorrow is halloween!

the blank day

woke up, ate left over thai food. Went to Ikea (i swear i could live inside that place). I bought some things for my room, sort of unneeded but sure helpful. Finished my photo project for Film, and decided to paint on the boards i found in my garage last weekend.

Keith's coming back next weekend, i can't wait. My days always seem empty without him. Did you remember what today is? Happy 5 month anniversary!

" Trying to hold it together
Keep my love as light as a feather
Sad eyes baby it's been such a long time
Keep my heart breaking in the dark
Come and spend the day"
-Bat for Lashes

the busy week

is almost at it's end, although it hit the peak yesterday. took me about two hours to finally meet up with little Eric at Amoeba by public transportation but thats only because the first bus showed up 20 minutes late. I really don't mind taking the bus/bart/muni, i actually like it. Some dumb girl was complaining about how crowded it was on Muni and i was getting really annoyed. What do you expect on a Friday at 5 o'clock? or anyday during the week at 5 o'clock?
We went to Haight but it was weird because i usually go there with Keith and all the places we go into are our places and its different going with anyone else. I guess these few days i've just been missing him a lot. Going all the places we go to, alone, felt really lonely.
I woke up in a bad mood and lied there for about an hour just thinking about everything. Its hard to sleep when people are tearing out windows upstairs, let alone think. So i got up and here i am.

I need to buy some movies today and finish reading Middlesex so i can get some books off my list.

I showed about 30 pictures to Mr.Schneider to look at for our project. He said composition wise, only 8 of them were good. I'm so bummed out.

the scare

i don't know what i would've done had it been worse. i don't know who to thank, but i'm beyond glad it wasn't. i love you.

the first step

i took the first step on my journey to college.
found out a few things, browsed the application, checked out the requirements. i need to take the SATs i guess. The admission requirements aren't so bad, as they call it the "challenge." you're supposed to do it about where you live and what you do from three perspectives, 3 pieces in any medium with 150 words explaining each. i can do that. i guess i should apply soon if i plan on going next fall. i wonder if i'll get in, i doubt i will get in. im stressed. senior portraits tomorrow and im already freaking out about this time next year. it costs a lot of money i don't have, and my family does also not have. i should've filled out that FASFA. I've been dreaming about this school since i knew i didn't want to work in a cubicle, 7th grade or so. when i started listening to Bright Eyes and realized it was alright to do what i want.

I'll be applying for the Undergraduate Degree in Photography,
and this school is in New York.

(this is my favorite picture i've taken all month)

the lack of time

no time for life today, just running in circles.

the iffy day

today started out bad around 6:50 when i shut my first alarm off.
7:40 rolls around and i'm still asleep, school starts in 20 minutes and i haven't even thought about waking up yet. my mom comes in screaming asking when i planned on quiting being lazy and going to school. i decided i'd just keep asleep until its impossible for me to get there on time, what's she going to do pick me up and set me down in first period? so i stayed home today, even though it wouldn't have been a bad day if i had just gotten up on time.
so i today i woke up officially around 10 and decided i was going to eat some cereal. and just-in-case you were wondering what i look like at 10 in the morning on a day when i was supposed to be at school and haven't washed my hair in 2 days and have decided to eat some frosted mini wheats, here's a picture.
the day worsened when my mom came back from Trader Joes with a grip of food i hate, and/or a meal i must cook in a microwave that could've tasted better had i driven down to McDonalds and scrapped myself a meal off the oil and pig fat soaked "grill."
I went down to the beach to take a walk with my mom and brother while we waited for my sister to get out of school. We went down to the semi tide pools and i tried to get some pictures for the photography project. I know everyone else is going to use pictures they've taken at Lindamar so i'm ruling all those pictures out of the running.
We realized we were late to pick up my sister so my mom ran to the car while i had to haul my brother in his wagon through hills of sand, even my ankles were sweating afterwards.
we got back to the house and got into an argument about how eating nothing but red meat is bad for your health although it makes my dad lose weight, then she threw it on me saying eating no red meat is bad for your health, but i told her i was more emotionally healthy because it makes me feel terrible knowing i'm eating something that once had a family and thoughts.

i came into the backyard to get some pictures but still ridiculously uninspired i got nothing.
i came into my room to get into mope mode and crawl into pajamas when my shirt caught hold of my nose ring and ripped it out. had it not been stuck in my face for so long it wouldn't have hurt so bad, but it started bleeding and i had to put it back in which was more painful than initially piercing it. as soon as it came out i felt my whole body break into a sweat and my face lose it's color. now its swollen.

its only 4 o'clock.

the friday

as you might already know, this week is hectic city in brandi county.
On the agenda for tomorrow:My Photograph project for Schneider's class
Wednesday:Babysitting for my mom's friend 4:30 & yoga at 7:30
Thursday: Senior Portraits at 5 & It's Always Sunny at 10 also possibly finishing the photo project in between then
Friday is about to be the biggest day of the week though.

Friday; Pick up my check from work at 3:30, cash it, get to daly city bart. Go to powell to Urban Outfitters to pick up some film stuff and new white shoes because mine are already falling apart, (also see whats on super clearance). Head over to borders to pick up the October issue of XLR8R with Fafi on the cover, and if it's out yet the November issue of Nylon, I'm trying to finish Middlesex by friday so i can pick up Memory Keepers Daughter or Less Than Zero that day too. Take N to the full house park and meet Eric in Amoeba at 5 hang out for a little while then take N back to civic center, take bart and two buses back to my house. Phew, what a day it will be.

the believer

i watched The Believer today, with Ryan Gosling as a Neo-Nazi internally conflicted with being Jewish and being a Skinhead. I really loved this movie and i thought it was better than American History X. Danny (Ryan Gosling) was more connected to being his enemy than Edward Norton in X because he was his enemy, whereas Norton had no idea what it was like to be on the other side. They made the parallel of both worlds obviously present, maybe not to someone who doesn't know certain things about the Jewish faith, but when you look into it you'll understand. When we first see him conflicting with being Jewish, he gives the Nazi salute but with only a pinky raised. In the Jewish faith you're only supposed to point at the Torah with your pinky finger. Theres lots of things in the movie like that that made it realistic, i loved it.

Recommended, definately.

the lost friend

jake was never really lost to me, i always knew he was there and i honestly can't go a day without something that reminds me of him. he's like a creepy brother to me, i miss that dude. i called him tonight because i was down and keith was busy and i knew he'd cheer me up. he told me a bunch of stories about things i've missed, (mainly just a bunch of slutbag girls he's met since i've been gone). it completely made me realize you can't ever trust anyone, including me. its sad people dwell on things that don't involve them whatsoever and also happened a year ago. life is not about who you were, but about who you are now. although a lot of your past shapes how you turn out, it does not make you who you are. i don't regret anything in my life because it's pointless to, it doesn't change it.
i won't tell you who i was, if you knew me then, you already know since everyone seems to know everything about me. i will tell you who i am though, so far.

i am human.

the drunk

i've yet to update this blog while intoxicated, but i guess theres a first for everything. i went to this party earlier and came home and now i'm at that point where its fading and i just want to take a nap. i feel more honest now than i've ever been before.
this girl sent me a friend request who is jake's ex and ryan's new girlfriend's bestfriend, i wonder if she added me just to lurk me so i sent her a rude message asking if i knew her from someplace, which i know i don't but depending on her answer i might accept or deny...we'll just have to see.
i love when Anita texts me its all in broken english its so cute.
i got a message from her saying she didn't know me just lurking around myspace and added me for no reason. YEAH RIGHT, DENY. i accepted her, lurked her, then deleted. it seems the only plausible thing to do. she's not very interesting.
i really hate that girls are like that, i don't go lurking around my old friend's myspaces just to see what their up to then get my other much younger immature friends involved and lurk their blogspots. really now, get over yourselves.

i'm really angry right now but i won't say why or what its about because it will only start things that don't need to be started and it will only be blamed on my paranoia and the fact that i'm drunk and i think too much.

i really miss new mexico and the simplicity of my old life, but i also love it here because its constantly a challenge. life will get easier once we don't live with joey's parents, but for now i'm confused and mad. right now i wish someone would call me so i could talk to them about nothing and laugh at myself.

i'd read but i'm afraid i won't remember it tomorrow.

the family

i hate almost everyone in my immediate family right now except my brother cause he can't scream things little kids won't understand and slam doors and break phones and other things that don't belong to him.

fuck you

the dead again

Birtak died today, even after i got all the cool stuff for his tank it just wasn't enough.

the working woman

i had work today, got my schedule for the rest of October and after putting all my important dates into my handy SKII calendar, i seriously have three days when I'm not busy doing something. its sort of terrible, but i guess keeping busy will make the time go by faster as i wait for it to get colder. it will also keep me from spending money, so i can save for Christmas time and get my sister and brother something noisy and awesome. maybe a drum set that'd be perfect. they both love bangin' on shit and my brother loves music. my parents and grandparents however might go insane with a drum set in the house. i discovered that my brother has excellent music taste; he loves Minor Threat and Beirut. He'll be the coolest kid when he grows up I'll make sure of it.
Theres a photography course at Academy of Art San Francisco, maybe thats an idea for college. I'll get to live in the city and learn about something i love. its an option I'll consider.

today was really good.

p.s. my fish now have the coolest flower vase tank in the world. im cheap so i didnt spring for a tank but i did get them a tiki dude, some purple rocks, and a plant. maria is giving me her tank at work on saturday and i plan on buying some multi colored rocks to throw in it with the purple ones, some new fish and cave with maybe a treasure chest. i'm goin' Atlantis on their ass.

the inmaturity

i am beginning to think that my parents have never grown up. but not in the way that jake will never grow up where its sort of adorable, understandable, and funny. But in the way that they still act like their marriage is a high school romance that doesn't really count, and their children are science experiments they can scream at and punish but it's okay because they won't remember it in 5 years. But i will.

Hanging out with the beautiful healthy foreign exchange students is starting to take a toll on my self esteem, seriously the new girl from Finland looks like Barbie.

Montreal is sounding nice right now.




(pictured:this is Anita in the middle, me on the right, and Claire[?] on the left. honestly, there was absolutely no brain activity happening in any of us when this was taken)

the jeans

i bought the most incredible jeans today for 10 dollars, and i almost feel confident in saying that the old navy jeans could quite possibly be retired.
In p.e. i talked to my new friends, two of the most ridiculously funny south city kids ever who are not funny on purpose. They told me what they hate about girlfriends, jealousy, constant calling, lack of trust. One of the guys talked more about how much he hates girls more than the other, and he was the one with the girlfriend. How ironic!
Finally finished my final draft of my cinematography paper for Schneider, perfect timing for my printer to run out of ink. He'll see it as no excuse and send me back to my seat feeling like a worthless film student. If only there was a Kinkos near by...but we're turning it into Turnitin.com anyways..
I bought this month's issue of Nylon magazine since it featured Cory Kennedy. I always thought Nylon was a magazine to sit and look at while you're waiting for keith at Barnes&Noble but i got to take it home and really read it, which was a great idea because there was an article on Beirut in which he described growing up in New Mexico as "isolated," which i think is sort of inaccurate. Maybe its because he lived in Santa Fe. New Mexico isn't as bad as you'd think, it's just not San Francisco. I actually miss it there somedays.

Mondays are usually terrible, but this monday was alright.