The Messy Room

Its impossible to keep our room clean.
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The Sweat Leaf

Most of the time I am completely ashamed of a certain part of me. Not physically, but mentally. The only thing on earth that keeps me from having panic attacks and lets me sleep at night, is not at all accepted by society. I have no health insurance, and I don't want to fill my body full of pills that control my brain, so self-medicating is the only thing I've got. I wish everyone else could see and understand that this is something that cures me of my daily bouts of depression and restless stress that is not a federally regulated chemically enhanced super-drug. People spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on medication and therapy for something I can cure myself, if people just opened their own minds instead of letting others tell them what is wrong and what is right, maybe they would save a little heartache.



"I first met you, didn't realize
I cant forget you, for your surprise,
You introduced me, to my mind
And left me wanting, you and your kind

I love you, oh you know it

My life was empty forever on a down
Until you took me, showed me around
My life is free now, my life is clear
I love you leaf, though you cant hear"

-Black Sabbath Sweet Leaf

The Future

My uncle is getting married to his girlfriend of 8 years at the end of June. They have two kids and I think they really love each other. My uncle is the only person ive seen grow from child to adult, so its really weird for me to see him as a married man with children and a house when just a few years ago (or so it feels) he was kicking me out of his room and getting busted by my grandma for a mass amount of CO2 cartridges in his drawer.

Speaking of my grandma, a month or so ago she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had surgery last week. She is always depressed now, especially since we found out that the cancer has spread and she will still need chemotherapy.

I also watched Synecdoche, New York last night which has me in a weird mood about dying and the future. I have no clue where I will be 5 years from now, or even 6 months from now. I am almost afraid to live because I am so afraid of dying. My mom always tells me to think positively and enjoy my moments now, but how can I be positive about the end?
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The Overworked

I've been extremely weird lately. I've felt and acted extremely unlike me for the past week and I don't know when I'll start to be myself again.

I don't know if I'm making the right decision with school, am I cut out for this? It's so competitive and I'm so shy. Should I move to New York or should I stay in Portland? Are Josh and I going to be able to stand each other for much longer? Is my Grandma going to be alive for my Uncle's wedding?

I ask myself these stupid fucking questions all day long and I can't concentrate on anything else. I wish I could rewind to when my mom and I were still getting along so I could kill myself and never have felt all the shit that came afterwards.

The Live-In Boyfriend

Now that Josh and I officially live together, the way I saw things hopefully panning out is not the way things are working out. We are both so busy all the time that the only part of the day we get to spend together is when we're both exhausted and in desperate need of sleep. I feel like we're just living around each other. The Josh I knew a few weeks ago is not the Josh I know now, and I feel like I am different too. The things I swore I'd never do for a spouse, I'm doing, and I don't hate it. It's freaking me out. I'm folding our laundry and making our bed and cleaning our room. Some girls dream about this kind of shit, and I'm questioning it.

The Time

or the lack thereof.

Since I started school have absolutely no time to do anything besides school, work, sleep, and eat...maybe. In the last three weeks a lot of shit has gone down. Josh moved in officially on the 28th and it's been great so far. Having him around all the time makes life much less stressful. He's currently working three jobs, so he's never home except on mondays and tuesdays. He's quiting both of the part-time ones so he'll have more days off though. I'm not really home too often myself. I am at school 32 hours during the week and on the weekends I'm working. We have surprisingly found time for each other though.

Today I am battling the stomach flu virus. It's not too bad, I got to take tomorrow off of work and I'm pretty sure I lost a few pounds. Hallelujah!