love doesn't mean anything to me anymore. it makes you blind, and i want to start seeing again.
the only men i will love for a long time are my grandpa, my brother, my dad, my uncles, seth and jake. that's it.
i don't love you anymore, because i can't.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
the rekindled romance
i actually took some pictures today, and rekindled my love with a camera. i took some digital, and some on my Diana + (actual name being, Meiling). I went to class, went to the social security office. our tax dollars pay for an echoer (word invention numero cuatro). This guy in a security uniform literally sat there and repeated the numbers called over the loud speaker, and it's not like he waited until no one got up, he echoed the announcements.
my mom and i got in a huge argument last night about college, i told her i was worried about having missed the deadlines, and she of course turned it into this huge thing about me being a pile of shit for the rest of my life. my parents and I have never sat down and looked at colleges and discussed what my plan was. My step dad gave up on me Freshman year after seeing my grades, so I don't blame him for never talking to me about it, or about anything besides new technologies. Really, we've never talked much about anything else. My mom doesn't know anything about colleges, because she didn't graduate and went straight to nail school afterwards. So when the process of applying and getting into colleges is drilled into your head by the school administration for the last four years, you seem to have a sense of what you're talking about. Anyways, I told her about how i was afraid i missed all the deadlines, and I'd have to take a year off. Of course she blows this huge pissy load all over my accidental plans. If you've been following my story, you'd know that I was given the wrong information about the admission deadline from my dream school's admissions operator. So i had to make new plans, and I'm afraid I waited to long, and might have to take a year off. My mom wants me to go to community college for that year instead, which i don't want to do because i don't want to get stuck there. The point is that she thinks i'm a failure because i might have to make plan adjustments. She wants me to go to cosmetology school instead, and when i told her i don't want to, she made it all about herself saying, "oh yeah because its such a HORRIBLE job." It's not horrible, i just don't want to do it, she thinks its great because she did it. The conversation carried on into today, when i told her i finally figured out what tattoo i want to get on my birthday. She thinks its a bad idea because i want it on my arm. She acts like its on my wrist, I want it on my inner arm. THEN the truth comes out. She said "you know, you don't know what kind of job you're going to have, is all I'm saying." what she's saying is that I'm going to have a shitty job that won't let me have tattoos. I called her out on it, and she defends it with the fact that my college plans have changed, and of course, taking a year off is going to make me work at a mall for the rest of my life, that makes total sense.
It seems like anything I do, can always be better. I don't know how she gets off saying I'm wrong, when she didn't even GRADUATE. Like today, when i told her I got an A- on my first college essay, the first thing she said was, "Well why wasn't it an A+?" Her tough love strategy doesn't work, it makes me feel like shit. She complains that I'm always negative about everything, which isn't exactly true, i was a few years ago, but since we haven't had a real conversation in the last few months, how the fuck would she know? She doesn't have the right to complain about my pessimism, when all day all i hear is her screaming at her fucking kids and moaning about how horrible living in this house is. She is the biggest downer in my life, and i can't wait to finally show her I'm not a huge piece of shit after I win that photography contest. And if i dont, well then maybe she's right.
i should start tagging my posts, maybe some one will read them.
this date of each month is no longer fun.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
the x&y
"When you try your best, but you don't succeed,
When you get what you want but not what you need,
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep,
Stuck in reverse?
And the tears come streaming down your face,
When you lose something you can't replace,
When you love someone but it goes to waste,
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you,
High up above or down below,
When you're too in love to let it go,
But if you never try you'll never know,
Just what you're worth."
-coldplay fix you
When you get what you want but not what you need,
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep,
Stuck in reverse?
And the tears come streaming down your face,
When you lose something you can't replace,
When you love someone but it goes to waste,
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you,
High up above or down below,
When you're too in love to let it go,
But if you never try you'll never know,
Just what you're worth."
-coldplay fix you
the untitled III
Sigur Ros-Untitled III makes me cry.
There are absolutely no words, only music. For some reason it reminds me of saying good bye to Jake in front of my house 2 years ago, the night before i left New Mexico. I sat there and cried in my driveway for 10 minutes before he even pulled up. He got out of the car, and didn't have to say a single word, i just hugged him as tight as i could. He means so much to me, and not just because of the "scandal" that went on between us that summer.
I have extremely short boiling points, that last for only a second. I will have a sudden feeling of missing new mexico, my face will turn red, and then it goes away. Its almost like when you clench your fist for a second and then let go, except i do it with my feelings. Just now i had the sudden urge to call you and tell you i love you and I always will. I never go through with these lighting bolts of urges, because i know they will retract, and almost always are completely ridiculous.
Last night was different though. I was lying in bed just listening to ( ) and i had this intense feeling of hope that maybe when I wake up the next morning, I will go back to sophomore year and start over again. Or even, the beginning of Summer 2006. I would've stopped myself from making the impulsive decision to move here, and I would've kept with the plan of staying there, finding a place with him and seeing what happens. Back then i wanted to challenge myself with something new, i wanted to prove to all the people who were against me that I could make something of myself. Well they were right, because i didn't. I haven't, and I won't. I want things to be simple and easy again.
I wish the last two years didn't happen, is what I'm getting at. I don't remember being sad, and having panic attacks, and crying all the time, 2 years ago. I don't remember being depressed then, and all the problems that I thought we're a big deal are nothing compared to the things i've put up with since i moved here.
something needs to change inside of me. here are some pictures from new mexico, they're mostly for me to look at. since almost none of you know what any of these things are.
my house. this was before jake took his pants off on the front door step, and my dad tried to fight him.
the front room where i'd wait for you to come pick me up.
our kitchen, otherwise known as the party mecca. we had a party every weekend with our neighbors, and anyone else who brought beer. i wish my parents let me drink with them back then, i would've been fucked up all the time.
the backyard, the fire pit, the jungle gym that got stolen. it almost matches like a panorama.
i don't have a picture of my room or the mural i painted on one wall, because i didn't want to remember it. but now, i do.
this is my sister when she was 2, and when we got along.
the first W44 show i went too, look at jake back there! he looks so different now. hahaha and the fist full of blood spray paint on his drum head! twyla and used that gold spray paint to write our names all over the seats infront of jake's shack that summer.
i used to be blond.
my puppy and i matched. jake was there when i got the call that my mom had given Duncan away.
someone used to love me, and i treated him horribly. its one thing i will never forgive myself for. i was happy then, but all i did was make him feel like shit. i know you will never talk to me again, but if you ever read this just know that i've never been so sorry in my entire life. i owe you a lot. you were the only person to realize who i turned into. i still wish you would've begged me to stay. 9.8.05-3.28.07
this is how i remember the grandma of my childhood. this is the only grandma i have, this is the only grandma i love. i wish i could spend all my days with her. i call her and cry sometimes, she is the only person who can truly make me feel better.
sweet nostalgia!
There are absolutely no words, only music. For some reason it reminds me of saying good bye to Jake in front of my house 2 years ago, the night before i left New Mexico. I sat there and cried in my driveway for 10 minutes before he even pulled up. He got out of the car, and didn't have to say a single word, i just hugged him as tight as i could. He means so much to me, and not just because of the "scandal" that went on between us that summer.
I have extremely short boiling points, that last for only a second. I will have a sudden feeling of missing new mexico, my face will turn red, and then it goes away. Its almost like when you clench your fist for a second and then let go, except i do it with my feelings. Just now i had the sudden urge to call you and tell you i love you and I always will. I never go through with these lighting bolts of urges, because i know they will retract, and almost always are completely ridiculous.
Last night was different though. I was lying in bed just listening to ( ) and i had this intense feeling of hope that maybe when I wake up the next morning, I will go back to sophomore year and start over again. Or even, the beginning of Summer 2006. I would've stopped myself from making the impulsive decision to move here, and I would've kept with the plan of staying there, finding a place with him and seeing what happens. Back then i wanted to challenge myself with something new, i wanted to prove to all the people who were against me that I could make something of myself. Well they were right, because i didn't. I haven't, and I won't. I want things to be simple and easy again.
I wish the last two years didn't happen, is what I'm getting at. I don't remember being sad, and having panic attacks, and crying all the time, 2 years ago. I don't remember being depressed then, and all the problems that I thought we're a big deal are nothing compared to the things i've put up with since i moved here.
something needs to change inside of me. here are some pictures from new mexico, they're mostly for me to look at. since almost none of you know what any of these things are.
my house. this was before jake took his pants off on the front door step, and my dad tried to fight him.
the front room where i'd wait for you to come pick me up.
our kitchen, otherwise known as the party mecca. we had a party every weekend with our neighbors, and anyone else who brought beer. i wish my parents let me drink with them back then, i would've been fucked up all the time.
the backyard, the fire pit, the jungle gym that got stolen. it almost matches like a panorama.
i don't have a picture of my room or the mural i painted on one wall, because i didn't want to remember it. but now, i do.
this is my sister when she was 2, and when we got along.
the first W44 show i went too, look at jake back there! he looks so different now. hahaha and the fist full of blood spray paint on his drum head! twyla and used that gold spray paint to write our names all over the seats infront of jake's shack that summer.
i used to be blond.
my puppy and i matched. jake was there when i got the call that my mom had given Duncan away.
someone used to love me, and i treated him horribly. its one thing i will never forgive myself for. i was happy then, but all i did was make him feel like shit. i know you will never talk to me again, but if you ever read this just know that i've never been so sorry in my entire life. i owe you a lot. you were the only person to realize who i turned into. i still wish you would've begged me to stay. 9.8.05-3.28.07
this is how i remember the grandma of my childhood. this is the only grandma i have, this is the only grandma i love. i wish i could spend all my days with her. i call her and cry sometimes, she is the only person who can truly make me feel better.
sweet nostalgia!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
the berlin wall
Goodbye, Lenin! was most excellent.
it was if you smashed the music of Amelie, and the camera styles of requiem for a dream and Michael Gondry. The Amelie thing makes sense, because Yann Tiersen did both soundtracks. Daniel Bruhl is handsome, too. This is definately been added to my favorites. A friend from my english class lent me Eraserhead, and i rented The U.S. Vs. John Lennon (And goodbye, lenin!) from the library. They have a huge criterion collection at the library, and i'm definately taking advantage of that, since it's free.
Panic Attack #4 at 4:11 am. I went back to sleep and woke up again at 10 to a voice mail of jake peeing and another of texas mike talking about how awesome my boobs are. what a beautiful morning it was, obviously.
it was if you smashed the music of Amelie, and the camera styles of requiem for a dream and Michael Gondry. The Amelie thing makes sense, because Yann Tiersen did both soundtracks. Daniel Bruhl is handsome, too. This is definately been added to my favorites. A friend from my english class lent me Eraserhead, and i rented The U.S. Vs. John Lennon (And goodbye, lenin!) from the library. They have a huge criterion collection at the library, and i'm definately taking advantage of that, since it's free.
Panic Attack #4 at 4:11 am. I went back to sleep and woke up again at 10 to a voice mail of jake peeing and another of texas mike talking about how awesome my boobs are. what a beautiful morning it was, obviously.
Monday, February 25, 2008
the on-going
"But you've been hanging around that college town
With your new life,
your new lover you found,
And you're keeping her up at night, bringing her down,
She'll watch you drink yourself to death,
but she won't ask you,
Is this really what you want?
Is this really what you want?
Or are you just sticking with it now because it's all you've got?"
-southern state
i loved you for exactly who you were. Maybe it's a good thing that i don't know who you are now.
With your new life,
your new lover you found,
And you're keeping her up at night, bringing her down,
She'll watch you drink yourself to death,
but she won't ask you,
Is this really what you want?
Is this really what you want?
Or are you just sticking with it now because it's all you've got?"
-southern state
i loved you for exactly who you were. Maybe it's a good thing that i don't know who you are now.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
The new stencil
The Obama stencil I made has been requested as a shirt for the author I started talking to a few months ago, I should be sending it out in the next couple days.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
the rip off
green day sucks so bad, my hate for them has grown immensely in a matter of minutes.
i accidentally took a nap when i got home from Wondercon, i thought with 4 hours of sleep and walking around all day, i'd finally get my sleep schedule back to normal, but no.
It's supposed to rain for the next two days, but I don't mind, it gives me another excuse to stay inside.
I need to start looking for a job soon, because babysitting has slowed down a lot. I just don't want to go back to being at work and hating it. I loved working at Sanrio when Jenn was there, but it all went down hill after she left. I'd love to work at Ikea, but both the locations are so far from here. I've been seriously been considering going up to Portland after i graduate. I love San Francisco, but I can't handle Pacifica anymore. I'd have to go there as soon as i come back from Peru to start looking for a job and saving up some money so i won't mooch off my grandparents for too long. I still don't know what I'm going to do for school, if i give up on my art dreams, I think I'll go to cosmetology school. If you think about it, its a perfect job for me. You can have tattoos, wear whatever you want, and make your own hours. I'd be in school non stop for two years and then apprenticing for another 1 to 2. The hours are ridiculous from 9 in the morning until 5 at night, monday through saturday, I'd have no time to work. maybe i won't do this.
I have no idea how my mom went to school, held a job, and took care of me. I feel like such an asshole for resenting the way she is now.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
The wondercon
Quote of the day:
"Do you guys collect anything? Toys or cars?"
"No, sorry."
"Guns or knives?"
Its been two weeks today, its getting easier and easier everyday, although some are harder than others.
I've been trying to give a shit about what i look like these days, i can't believe how much make up i used to wear.
"Yeah, you still kiss me, but it's just on the cheek
Yeah, you still kiss me sometimes
But it's just on the cheek
You pull away so easily
And I still call you, but I get your machine
And if I'm lucky, I guess, it's your roommate answering
But you're at the bar
Or at Gene's"-It's Cool We Can Still be Friends
Friday, February 22, 2008
the bad dreams
i hate having dreams about you when we're happy and still together, because when i wake up, for a split second, i think they're real. but i especially hate having dreams about you and someone else, because when i wake up, i know eventually it will be real. what i hate even more is having these two dreams in the same night, morphed into one.
my dreams are becoming more real every night. this morning i could actually sense being awake and dreaming at the same time. i also think like i would in real life. last night when i walked around the corner and found you kissing her, i turned away and cried, but you came running and said it meant nothing. Then i thought how horrible my next post on my blog would be. we were back together after that and at a music festival, and i thought how all my progress in getting over you now meant nothing. Always in my dreams, you look at me like you looked at me last summer, you have your long hair, and have your backpack on.
maybe i am living in both the dream world and reality at the same time? but thats not true, because at least my dreams will end and those memories will fade, i can never forget you, I'm not sure if that is good or bad.
edit:
6:03PM
Panic attack number 3, in the last three weeks. i thought it'd get considerably less scary with each coming episode, it doesn't.
my dreams are becoming more real every night. this morning i could actually sense being awake and dreaming at the same time. i also think like i would in real life. last night when i walked around the corner and found you kissing her, i turned away and cried, but you came running and said it meant nothing. Then i thought how horrible my next post on my blog would be. we were back together after that and at a music festival, and i thought how all my progress in getting over you now meant nothing. Always in my dreams, you look at me like you looked at me last summer, you have your long hair, and have your backpack on.
maybe i am living in both the dream world and reality at the same time? but thats not true, because at least my dreams will end and those memories will fade, i can never forget you, I'm not sure if that is good or bad.
edit:
6:03PM
Panic attack number 3, in the last three weeks. i thought it'd get considerably less scary with each coming episode, it doesn't.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
The death
i want to tell everyone i love that i love them right now, but i can't. i can't even speak.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
the low point
I've hit an ultimate low in my life. I haven't done anything horrible, i didn't kill anybody and I'm not smoking meth. But emotionally, and mentally, i have been at a depression stand still. Yesterday i finally realized how i let everything pile up and never deal with it.
Everything has been really hard and dissapointing lately, with that whole situation, real college decisions, and my family. All of us are at a mental breaking point with each other and yesterday was just the icing on the cake. I had to leave the house to keep chaos from inssuing, i took my dog and crawled up the hill to a place where no one really goes, especially in the rain. I sat there for 30 minutes just crying and wondering why im still putting up with this. I wanted a way out, and there was only one way i could think of. Thinking seriously about that was something i never imagined i'd go through, I never thought i'd let my mind get to that point. I kept walking and thinking and listening to "An Attempt to Tip the Scales." I realized that leaving my sister and brother and my family behind would be selfish, and that if i can't get through this rough patch now, I'll never make it on my own. I don't want your sympathy and i don't want your pity. I just want you to realize that the shit I'm going through is taking a toll on me and I don't know how to deal with it. And it wasn't because of any boy or anyone in particular, it was just all of it. I'm pretty sure if it wasn't for this song, I would be in worse shape, I would've never come back from that walk.
"Did you expect it all to stop at the wave of your hand?
Like the sun is just going to drop if it’s night you demand,
Well, in the dark we are just air so the house might dissolve,
But once we are gone, who is gonna care if we were ever here at all?
Well, summer is going to come and it’s gonna cloud our eyes again,
Theres no need to focus when there is nothing thats worth
seeing,
So we trade liquor for blood in an attempt to tip the scales,
I think you lost what you loved in that mess of details
They seemed so important at the time but now you can’t even recall
Any of the names, faces, or lines, it is more the feeling of it all
Well, winter is going to end and I’m going to clean these veins again,
So close to dying that I finally can start living."
p.s. don't think im insane, i know you've all been through this too.
Everything has been really hard and dissapointing lately, with that whole situation, real college decisions, and my family. All of us are at a mental breaking point with each other and yesterday was just the icing on the cake. I had to leave the house to keep chaos from inssuing, i took my dog and crawled up the hill to a place where no one really goes, especially in the rain. I sat there for 30 minutes just crying and wondering why im still putting up with this. I wanted a way out, and there was only one way i could think of. Thinking seriously about that was something i never imagined i'd go through, I never thought i'd let my mind get to that point. I kept walking and thinking and listening to "An Attempt to Tip the Scales." I realized that leaving my sister and brother and my family behind would be selfish, and that if i can't get through this rough patch now, I'll never make it on my own. I don't want your sympathy and i don't want your pity. I just want you to realize that the shit I'm going through is taking a toll on me and I don't know how to deal with it. And it wasn't because of any boy or anyone in particular, it was just all of it. I'm pretty sure if it wasn't for this song, I would be in worse shape, I would've never come back from that walk.
"Did you expect it all to stop at the wave of your hand?
Like the sun is just going to drop if it’s night you demand,
Well, in the dark we are just air so the house might dissolve,
But once we are gone, who is gonna care if we were ever here at all?
Well, summer is going to come and it’s gonna cloud our eyes again,
Theres no need to focus when there is nothing thats worth
seeing,
So we trade liquor for blood in an attempt to tip the scales,
I think you lost what you loved in that mess of details
They seemed so important at the time but now you can’t even recall
Any of the names, faces, or lines, it is more the feeling of it all
Well, winter is going to end and I’m going to clean these veins again,
So close to dying that I finally can start living."
p.s. don't think im insane, i know you've all been through this too.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
the ache
i have never been so bored in my life. something new needs to happen as soon as possible. my heart literally aches from all this recent activity. i want to get a job, but i can't for another two weeks because i won't pass the drug tests.
bad day bad day.
as much as i thought this was all over, its not. i still feel like shit inside at times. most of the day i'm alright, but of course my mind races thinking of what might happen next.
the truth is, im just tired. im so tired of all my days being rainy.
i watched the news last night and saw the videos of the cows being horribly mistreated, and broke my non-crying streak.
i need something to make me feel better, just anything. I hate that some people are going to take this as my weakness, because it truly is, and i dont want you all to know. Its impossible for me to make myself feel better. I don't need it in the form of a boyfriend or any relationship, just someone to tell me it will be alright, and take a walk with me.
i don't know whats happened to me, i feel like a child.
"and if i can't make myself feel better,
how can i expect anyone else to give a shit?"
bad day bad day.
as much as i thought this was all over, its not. i still feel like shit inside at times. most of the day i'm alright, but of course my mind races thinking of what might happen next.
the truth is, im just tired. im so tired of all my days being rainy.
i watched the news last night and saw the videos of the cows being horribly mistreated, and broke my non-crying streak.
i need something to make me feel better, just anything. I hate that some people are going to take this as my weakness, because it truly is, and i dont want you all to know. Its impossible for me to make myself feel better. I don't need it in the form of a boyfriend or any relationship, just someone to tell me it will be alright, and take a walk with me.
i don't know whats happened to me, i feel like a child.
"and if i can't make myself feel better,
how can i expect anyone else to give a shit?"
Monday, February 18, 2008
the lost relationship
thinking about hawaii now is the wierdest thing.
i can't believe matt and jazmyn are back together. it baffles me because i havent talked to matt in a good year, and jazmyn in a good 4. I remember when they broke up my freshman year, Matt was so devastated. He tried to make the moves on me a few days before, and my boyfriend at the time made him tell her. Remember when he looked like a pin cushion?! Denise, him, and I took a bus all the way through Eva beach back to Kapolei for some reason that day. On my last day in Hawaii i helped him move and we made out in his bed, he was wearing an iron maiden shirt. I made out with Ryan (number one) in matt's bed too, he was also wearing an iron maiden shirt. It's just so insane that they're back together after all these years. The world is a crazy place. I still have pictures of that day on my photobucket.
The thing i remember most about living in Hawaii is Shawn. He was my best friend for so long. I can remember the first time he came over to my house. I put snorkeling gear on him, a bright green inner tube and flippers, he let me spray him with my hose for a few hours. He'd come over after school and eat up all my popsicles and play my guitar. I wasn't allowed to have people in the house when my parents were home so he'd sit at the front door for hours. I can't believe how great of a friend he was to me. I remember the last time i saw him. I was running with Jackson to the last bus down Makakilo, and he turned around and walked away and i never said goodbye. I haven't seen him since, and that was 4 years ago. I was such an asshole. After all the shit he went through with his family he never asked me for anything, he listened to me complain non stop about everything. I was really happy in 8th grade, that was one of the best years of my life.
i know he wont read this, no one does!
Sunday, February 17, 2008
the 200th post!
everyday i am learning that the brain is an extraordinary organism. It's funny that the definition of extraordinary is the exact word split in half; extra-ordinary. my own brain works in the most mysterious of ways, i've come to love it though.
I really wish that i could see Daft Punk again. I'd give up every future concert just to see them once a year. There are 39 days until Justice though, and I'd like to get a pair of these for it. 40$, and i don't know if ed banger rec. is still touchy with the Kanye situation, but these are extraordinary. they glow in the friggin' dark!
101 days until i turn 18, and I've been thinking about my tattoo everyday. I'm definitely going with one of two things on the back of my right arm. I'm leaning towards the panda though, because thats the arm i'd eventually like to put all the cute fun things, and my left arm will be the more meaningful serious side. It's exactly like my personality. I fit the profile of a Gemini perfectly.
if you own the rights to this panda, i am in no way trying to reap your benefits. I Google searched for pandas and i found this, so. I really like the edgy graffiti type panda like this one, i don't want something that looks like clip art.
this is my 200th post! and i've had over 2000 views, but i get a comment once a month, good goin' guys! most of you are lurkers anyways..haha.
if you own the rights to this panda, i am in no way trying to reap your benefits. I Google searched for pandas and i found this, so. I really like the edgy graffiti type panda like this one, i don't want something that looks like clip art.
this is my 200th post! and i've had over 2000 views, but i get a comment once a month, good goin' guys! most of you are lurkers anyways..haha.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
the new projects
these were both my mom's shorts and sweatshirt, i feel like her in them.
102 days until I turn 18.
My hatred for living in this house is growing day-by-day. Not with the people, but just in this general room. My personality thrives on change and i haven't had physical change in a year and a half. I can't even rearrange it in here. I'm so tired of staring at all this crap in here that is not mine. I truly think that living in the house has set back my maturity process. I feel so cramped, claustrophobic, we call it "the dungeon" for a reason.
I think I'm just bored, i love San Francisco a lot, but i feel like i've explored most of it and i need another city to linger in. Moving into my grandparent's house is always an option, too. They live in Portland though, so i'd have to leave my sister and brother behind. I'd really like to go to New York, but that is not an option now. I wish i hadn't burned every bridge from places i've moved.
I feel like screaming, i need to get out of here.
the lack of life
i have no life anymore, look at what i'm doing with my time! i mean, c'mon!
It's officially been a week, but i didn't cry yesterday and i haven't cried today. I woke up 3 hours ago, so we'll see what happens. The only times i feel like crying is when i'm trying to sleep, probably because i have nothing else occupying my brain. Fuck we're eating dinner in 30 minutes, i need to stop sleepin'.
Friday, February 15, 2008
the future suitor
Dear Future Boyfriend,
You like to cuddle, watch foreign movies, and read books. You enjoy being an asshole to everyone (except me), shoe shopping, and chinese food. You have tattoos and wear cool caps and listen to Beirut and Neutral Milk Hotel.
You text me jokes when we aren't together and call me when you have nothing else to do. You accept the fact that i don't drive and still own a Viva La Bam t-shirt. You ask me to come over for arrested development marathons. You are impatient and a little messy, but you shower.
You weigh more than 130 pounds and have dark hair. You wear glasses sometimes and like to party, and go to shows to dance. You like the fact that I am pale, and have big holes in my ears. You like lomography and teach me how to use my Diana +.
You don't make me feel stupid, and you surprise me all the time just by showing up.
You hate video games, religion, Dane Cook, anything on FOX, fast food, popcorn, and sports. You want to sleep in with me.
You don't disappoint me, flirt with other girls, and you don't buy me things, it makes me feel bad. You want to travel to Peru, Europe, Iceland, and India. You like me.
I know you don't really exist, though.
Love, Brandi
p.s. If your name is Michael Cera, i will gladly love you under any circumstances.
______________
i think i'm ready to move on, really. not to any type of relationship in any shape or form, but on, you know? and it doesn't mean i dont love him anymore, not at all. it just means that i want to...wake up?
"You're going to wake from this coma
You're going to crawl from this bed you have made
And stop counting on that camera
That hangs round your neck
Because it won't ever remember
What you choose to forget"-A line allows progress, a circle does not.
(i keep coming back to this song by accident)
the dreams
sleeping in till 2 has its benefits. my house had a power surge last night around 2 so my webcaming got cut short, so i stayed up and read until about 3.
I had so many awesome dreams last night its not even funny.
First i got to hang out with jake...and party.
THEN (not so awesome but..) candace and i went to some concert and saw a picture of sad things on the wall then she got her car stolen.
But the finale is just so incredible you don't even understand. Michael Cera got to be my boyfriend for a whole ten or so minutes in my dream. We got to make out on his couch and cuddle. I believe it was the best dream I've ever had.
I had so many awesome dreams last night its not even funny.
First i got to hang out with jake...and party.
THEN (not so awesome but..) candace and i went to some concert and saw a picture of sad things on the wall then she got her car stolen.
But the finale is just so incredible you don't even understand. Michael Cera got to be my boyfriend for a whole ten or so minutes in my dream. We got to make out on his couch and cuddle. I believe it was the best dream I've ever had.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
The valentines day
but my brother is cute.
jake and i get down on webcam..
AnchorsXAway138 (11:54:10 PM) : so remember that i love you a lot
AnchorsXAway138
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
The attention span
I went to the library today though and got a few books on Islam. I figure I might as well educate myself to keep my mind from depression.
I hate how all these guys are messaging me thinking I'm free fuckable ground now. When really all of you are the furthest thing from my mind. The last thing I want right now is your stupid game all up in my business. I'M NOT INTERESTED.
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the good list
in the mist of my nervous breakdown, i haven't had the willpower to list any of the good things that've happened in the last 4 or so days. and in no specific order we have;
-My English professor wants to introduce me to the Journalism instructor because she likes my writing and thinks that we should talk. Hmm, curious.
-My room is really clean.
-Sordo is back up.
-I am using my gym membership
-Decided i should rekindle my former love for The White Stripes, (discography download in progress).
-I've been having good hair days
-I figured out what tattoo i'm officially getting on my birthday, for now, until i change my mind.
-Jake watched me dance on webcam for 3 hours
-I have no dirty laundry
-I got a library card
-Paid my late fees at the video store
-Found my bike lock key
-Found hidden Bright Eyes songs
some good things are coming out of all this spare time i have now, i don't know where its been though.
This is the closest to describing how i feel now:
"Did you expect it all to stop at the wave of your hand?
Like the sun is just going to drop if it’s night you demand,
Well, in the dark we are just air so the house might dissolve,
But once we are gone, who is gonna care if we were ever here at all?
Well, summer is going to come and it’s gonna cloud our eyes again,
Theres no need to focus when there is nothing thats worth
seeing,
So we trade liquor for blood in an attempt to tip the scales,
I think you lost what you loved in that mess of details,
They seemed so important at the time but now you can’t even recall,
Any of the names, faces, or lines, it is more the feeling of it all,
Well, winter is going to end and I’m going to clean these veins again,
So close to dying that I finally can start living."-An Attempt to Tip the Scales
this whole ordeal can now be summed up in one sentence; I'm being forced to face things i can't change, and i hate it, but i know theres nothing else i can do but accept it.
stage 3, here i come!
-My English professor wants to introduce me to the Journalism instructor because she likes my writing and thinks that we should talk. Hmm, curious.
-My room is really clean.
-Sordo is back up.
-I am using my gym membership
-Decided i should rekindle my former love for The White Stripes, (discography download in progress).
-I've been having good hair days
-I figured out what tattoo i'm officially getting on my birthday, for now, until i change my mind.
-Jake watched me dance on webcam for 3 hours
-I have no dirty laundry
-I got a library card
-Paid my late fees at the video store
-Found my bike lock key
-Found hidden Bright Eyes songs
some good things are coming out of all this spare time i have now, i don't know where its been though.
This is the closest to describing how i feel now:
"Did you expect it all to stop at the wave of your hand?
Like the sun is just going to drop if it’s night you demand,
Well, in the dark we are just air so the house might dissolve,
But once we are gone, who is gonna care if we were ever here at all?
Well, summer is going to come and it’s gonna cloud our eyes again,
Theres no need to focus when there is nothing thats worth
seeing,
So we trade liquor for blood in an attempt to tip the scales,
I think you lost what you loved in that mess of details,
They seemed so important at the time but now you can’t even recall,
Any of the names, faces, or lines, it is more the feeling of it all,
Well, winter is going to end and I’m going to clean these veins again,
So close to dying that I finally can start living."-An Attempt to Tip the Scales
this whole ordeal can now be summed up in one sentence; I'm being forced to face things i can't change, and i hate it, but i know theres nothing else i can do but accept it.
stage 3, here i come!
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
the stage two
so, im going through stage two.
stage one is total sadness, stage two is confusing anger, and stage three is the realization.
i thought i was going to skip stage two, because yesterday i was feeling alright and was thinking, you know what life goes on. But no, I guess i'm not skipping it.
I don't want to be hung up on this anymore, i want this all to be over, i don't want to look at the box full of your stuff anymore. I kept every single bus transfer, every single movie ticket, the ribbon, the necklace, it's all in there. everything i do reminds me of you, and i don't understand. i don't want to understand why I am a complete desperate fool. i don't want to understand why you love me but can't be with me. I don't understand why we couldn't have just figured everything out. i want this to be over so bad. i can't cry anymore, i haven't gone a single day with crying. I had a dream a few nights ago that we talked and everything was fine and when i woke up i thought just for a few seconds it was real, and then i cried because i realized it wasn't. Everyone always talks about how hard things like this are, and I never believed them until now.
I feel like I'm laying around in the grass in pieces just waiting for you to come and pick me up and put me back together.
there are no words to describe how horrible i feel and how much i just wish for one more day we could be normal again.
Carrie called my Grandma demanding for my phone number, apparently she was yelling at my grandma and was really mean. I won't call her back for a few years now. No one ever yells at my fucking grandma, if i had a car i'd drive up there and tell her to shut her big fat alcoholic mouth.
I want to start my life over from the beginning.
Everything, absolutely everything is just complete and total shit. Every emotion I've ever had is coming out at the same time and I can't handle it, theres no way i can handle this on my own, for the first time in my life I'm asking for help. Please help me figure out where to go from here.
_____________________________________
"The kitchen is cold but the coffee is warm
The sun is coming up
The day has just begun and you are already bored
You're bored of cheering me up, bored of calming me down, bored of drying my eyes
But there was once a time when you were the one
You were the blue of the sky
You came after the storm
You were the switch on the wall in the dark of the hall that I'm still fumbling for
Because I'm lost in the black
I don't know where I am
I have my arms stretched out in front and I'm calling your name just as loud as I can
And I know there are things of which we will never speak
And the questions can't be answered easily, but I want it to be easy
So just nod you head if the plans have changed
Shake it love, if they've stayed the same
Smile at me and I will stay
Start to cry and I'll go away
Just please don't leave me guessing."-Messenger Bird's Song
stage one is total sadness, stage two is confusing anger, and stage three is the realization.
i thought i was going to skip stage two, because yesterday i was feeling alright and was thinking, you know what life goes on. But no, I guess i'm not skipping it.
I don't want to be hung up on this anymore, i want this all to be over, i don't want to look at the box full of your stuff anymore. I kept every single bus transfer, every single movie ticket, the ribbon, the necklace, it's all in there. everything i do reminds me of you, and i don't understand. i don't want to understand why I am a complete desperate fool. i don't want to understand why you love me but can't be with me. I don't understand why we couldn't have just figured everything out. i want this to be over so bad. i can't cry anymore, i haven't gone a single day with crying. I had a dream a few nights ago that we talked and everything was fine and when i woke up i thought just for a few seconds it was real, and then i cried because i realized it wasn't. Everyone always talks about how hard things like this are, and I never believed them until now.
I feel like I'm laying around in the grass in pieces just waiting for you to come and pick me up and put me back together.
there are no words to describe how horrible i feel and how much i just wish for one more day we could be normal again.
Carrie called my Grandma demanding for my phone number, apparently she was yelling at my grandma and was really mean. I won't call her back for a few years now. No one ever yells at my fucking grandma, if i had a car i'd drive up there and tell her to shut her big fat alcoholic mouth.
I want to start my life over from the beginning.
Everything, absolutely everything is just complete and total shit. Every emotion I've ever had is coming out at the same time and I can't handle it, theres no way i can handle this on my own, for the first time in my life I'm asking for help. Please help me figure out where to go from here.
_____________________________________
"The kitchen is cold but the coffee is warm
The sun is coming up
The day has just begun and you are already bored
You're bored of cheering me up, bored of calming me down, bored of drying my eyes
But there was once a time when you were the one
You were the blue of the sky
You came after the storm
You were the switch on the wall in the dark of the hall that I'm still fumbling for
Because I'm lost in the black
I don't know where I am
I have my arms stretched out in front and I'm calling your name just as loud as I can
And I know there are things of which we will never speak
And the questions can't be answered easily, but I want it to be easy
So just nod you head if the plans have changed
Shake it love, if they've stayed the same
Smile at me and I will stay
Start to cry and I'll go away
Just please don't leave me guessing."-Messenger Bird's Song
The old friends
Last night I was up till 2:30 in the morning talking to Jake and Vincent online and I set up my webcam so I could make funny faces at them and show Jake all the stuff of his I still have. We were talking for about 2 or 3 hours and I laughed a lot, that felt nice. I've known Vincent longer, which is totally weird because we've never met in person. Him and Jake are the 2 people I know I can tell absolutely anything to and they won't think I'm a total asshole. Vincent and i talked about my current predicament and he reminded me that this is not the first and last time I will feel like total shit, he's been listening to me through every guy for the last 4 years, I can't believe he hasn't told me to shut up yet.
I miss Jake a whole lot though, June can't come soon enough. Its been a year since I've seen him now, and going back there now is like suicide although I might go this month with my dad.
I don't know if talking to you last night was a good or bad thing. There were so many things I wanted to say but I didn't. When you tell me that you still love me its hard to understand why love alone is not enough. But I've been there before so I guess I do understand a little.
I need another vacation. I'm not going to my painting class because I can't handle it right now.
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I miss Jake a whole lot though, June can't come soon enough. Its been a year since I've seen him now, and going back there now is like suicide although I might go this month with my dad.
I don't know if talking to you last night was a good or bad thing. There were so many things I wanted to say but I didn't. When you tell me that you still love me its hard to understand why love alone is not enough. But I've been there before so I guess I do understand a little.
I need another vacation. I'm not going to my painting class because I can't handle it right now.
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Monday, February 11, 2008
The fall
So I went for about 2 hours and then went to the beach to walk for a bit. There's this flowing river of water that leads into the ocean and it has a bunch of rocks in it so when the water isn't flowing so much you can get across. I stood there for about 5 minutes just thinking "I can get across this." the weather is disgusting today and the water is flowing really fast so when I jumped on the rocks I didn't realize until then how horribly ridiculous this idea was. I got about half way across and realized I couldn't make it without getting my shoes wet so when I bend down to take them off the rocks wabbled and I fell in the fucking freezing water and I just sat there laughing for a while. Its the only thing ive genuinely laughed at in 2 days.
I got up and sat on the beach for a while just listening to beirut and looking out. It reminded me of these bright eyes lyrics that just said something like life doesn't apologize for the things that hurt you, because it doesn't owe you that. I think that's true. No matter how shitty I feel or how depressed I am the waves will keep rolling and I will keep making stupid decisions about braving a freezing river.
I feel better today, still sad because I just wish I could talk to you, but better.
" Life is too short
Death doesn't ask
It don't owe you that
Some things you lose
You don't get back
So just know what you have
And make a plan to love me sometime soon"
Sunday, February 10, 2008
the day one
i lied in bed for an hour debating whether i wanted to wake up or not. I did though, and i went shopping. My dad bought me some shoes, i bought myself some running shoes. I think I'll put my dog on an exercise plan, she's getting tubby, my new shoes will keep up with her. Most of the day i didn't talk, just caught up in everything still. There were times when i would be normal just for a few minutes but then I'd stop and remember. I've been making some playlists, sad ones and happy ones. I found a few songs that seem to get me through the minutes.
Bright Eyes-Laura Laurent
Rilo Kiley-More Adventurous
one the sad side..
death cab-a lack of color(the most horrible song to listen to now)
seabear-arms
weezer-why bother?
i keep my phone close and loud just in case, but it never rings.
this entire thing is not completely real yet.
"you left your black gloves on my table,
you left your dark horse in the stable,
i'm thinking of a way to get you to stay,
and i'll promise to,
fight the wind and wait for you
i'm an owl with tired eyes
i'm a scarecrow in disguise
i often go out pacing when all i want to do is stay inside
and look out the window with you"-Seabear, Arms
i'm going for a walk.
Bright Eyes-Laura Laurent
Rilo Kiley-More Adventurous
one the sad side..
death cab-a lack of color(the most horrible song to listen to now)
seabear-arms
weezer-why bother?
i keep my phone close and loud just in case, but it never rings.
this entire thing is not completely real yet.
"you left your black gloves on my table,
you left your dark horse in the stable,
i'm thinking of a way to get you to stay,
and i'll promise to,
fight the wind and wait for you
i'm an owl with tired eyes
i'm a scarecrow in disguise
i often go out pacing when all i want to do is stay inside
and look out the window with you"-Seabear, Arms
i'm going for a walk.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
the end
I'm not sure what to do now, i don't think I've ever felt so defeated. Knowing that you're completely powerless to someone's decision is the worst feeling in the world. I've spent most of the night with my dad, he cheered me up.
I only feel like total shit when I'm alone in my room, especially when i first came home all of our pictures were still up, and everything you've ever drawn me had to be taken down. As much as i want to keep positive, it's not helping. I don't know what I'll do at night when i'm not waiting for your call, or what I'll do when i want to talk about books or music, or when i want a hug. I want to pretend like i don't care, I want to walk away and forget about it, but i can't. I can't help but hope that you might change your mind. I know there is no one else in the world like you. I know we weren't perfect, but it worked for a while.
After all of this, i think i'll stay away from the opposite sex. I really don't ever want to put my trust in someone again. It always seems to work out that way though, as soon as i feel completely comfortable things go down hill. I need to stop being so needy.
I can't help but think today is the last day i will ever hug you. It was hard to not move a muscle when you walked away. the worst part, is that we were the only thing in my current life that i was sure of. i mean, i never had to worry about it.
I don't ever want to feel like this again, i wish i could just sleep it away and wake up when it passes.
"Well, I guess that it's typical,
To cling to memories you'll never get back again,
And to sort through old photographs,
Of a summer long ago,
Or a friend that you used to know,
And there below his frozen face,
You wrote the name and that ancient date,
And you can't believe that he's really gone,
When all that's left is a fucking song."-Happy Birthday To Me(Feb.15th)
i've got a lot of music to cry to though, for real.
I only feel like total shit when I'm alone in my room, especially when i first came home all of our pictures were still up, and everything you've ever drawn me had to be taken down. As much as i want to keep positive, it's not helping. I don't know what I'll do at night when i'm not waiting for your call, or what I'll do when i want to talk about books or music, or when i want a hug. I want to pretend like i don't care, I want to walk away and forget about it, but i can't. I can't help but hope that you might change your mind. I know there is no one else in the world like you. I know we weren't perfect, but it worked for a while.
After all of this, i think i'll stay away from the opposite sex. I really don't ever want to put my trust in someone again. It always seems to work out that way though, as soon as i feel completely comfortable things go down hill. I need to stop being so needy.
I can't help but think today is the last day i will ever hug you. It was hard to not move a muscle when you walked away. the worst part, is that we were the only thing in my current life that i was sure of. i mean, i never had to worry about it.
I don't ever want to feel like this again, i wish i could just sleep it away and wake up when it passes.
"Well, I guess that it's typical,
To cling to memories you'll never get back again,
And to sort through old photographs,
Of a summer long ago,
Or a friend that you used to know,
And there below his frozen face,
You wrote the name and that ancient date,
And you can't believe that he's really gone,
When all that's left is a fucking song."-Happy Birthday To Me(Feb.15th)
i've got a lot of music to cry to though, for real.
The sun
Speaking of all this pacifica native nonsense, I just met a strange boy at the bus stop who asked to borrow my phone. So I let him because I'm nice sometimes. We were talking about Chinese new year being today and how I wanted to go to the parade. He said he was going down to some peir to sell his underground rap cd's. This directly led into him asking if I was into underground rap and me saying no. He assumed I was into "underground rock like RANCID." do I really give off the vibe that I listen to fucking Rancid? So I told him, no I don't listen to rancid. He asked what kind of music I DO like and I couldn't explain it so I just said "crazy shit, man." then thankfully my bus came. His name was Travis.
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Friday, February 08, 2008
The semi-party
Anyways it started around 11 and I passed out around 3am, I woke up at 6 to find Russell and Garrett STILL playing Rockband! On the way back to candaces house we ran into morning commuter traffic back over the bay bridge. We got back to her house around 7:30 and finally fell asleep at 8, it was hard with all of Russell's snoring but candace tried to muffle it hahaha. We woke up 2 hours later at 10am, drove me back to my house so I could shower and get ready to work at noon. That is currently where I reside. When I passed out at ava's I was so intoxicated I felt like I was asleep for 15 minutes. So I'm running on what feels like 2 hours of sleep. I could go for a nap.
We were celebrating good news and Chinese new year! When I got home this morning, in spite of being exhausted, I was so happy to be in my room for some reason. I had an overwhelming feeling of just wanting to be tiny and snuggled by my mom. The more and more days I go without hugging her the more I feel like its my fault.
Here are some pictures from last night that I found on my phone...the ones with the lights are from this morning on the bridge just before the sun started to rise
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Thursday, February 07, 2008
The class
Yesterday my sister and I got high school musical tattoos, rad.
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Wednesday, February 06, 2008
the "Sailin' On"
I can't believe Bad Brains is featured on MTV this week.
Absolutely everyone and everything is driving me fucking insane today. I don't want anything to do with anyone. I woke up at noon, wasted my whole fucking day, and I'm so sick of it. It's impossible for me to wake up, i hate it. My mom has turned into the spitting image of the snotty side of my Grandpa. She thinks she knows everything about everything and she always has the information. She looks like him, and she acts like him, but she'll never admit it. Its easy to love my Grandpa though, because he's my Grandpa.
Admitting that I'm wrong and giving in solved the issue but i still don't believe I was. If you think i was trying to hurt you intentionally, then YOU'RE wrong. While ignoring it might not be the answer, freaking out about it isn't either. I want all of this to be over and done with so we can figure things out from there.
The two people i'm supposed to love unconditionally are bugging me about the same goddamn thing for different reasons, i want you to shut up. I wanted to do this on my own for a reason, i can handle it.
Party tomorrow night.
Absolutely everyone and everything is driving me fucking insane today. I don't want anything to do with anyone. I woke up at noon, wasted my whole fucking day, and I'm so sick of it. It's impossible for me to wake up, i hate it. My mom has turned into the spitting image of the snotty side of my Grandpa. She thinks she knows everything about everything and she always has the information. She looks like him, and she acts like him, but she'll never admit it. Its easy to love my Grandpa though, because he's my Grandpa.
Admitting that I'm wrong and giving in solved the issue but i still don't believe I was. If you think i was trying to hurt you intentionally, then YOU'RE wrong. While ignoring it might not be the answer, freaking out about it isn't either. I want all of this to be over and done with so we can figure things out from there.
The two people i'm supposed to love unconditionally are bugging me about the same goddamn thing for different reasons, i want you to shut up. I wanted to do this on my own for a reason, i can handle it.
Party tomorrow night.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
the experiment
as most of you know, my living situation is a bit crazy. i won't explain it for the 100th time, but i'll tell you this; my room has 1 long window across one wall, which is completely useless because my side of the house is covered by a deck above, so i get no sun light. its pretty depressing but i manage with lamps.
as my paint teacher would say, "THIS LIGHT IS MAKING ME SUFFER, I'M PHYSICALLY ILL, OHH MY GOD."
so no sunlight means no heat, which means i have to use a space heater because this house is so old the heating is shot and it doesn't stay warm anywhere but upstairs. Space heaters suck up a lot of energy, our bill was 800 dollars last month. We do everything environmentally safe in this house, we recycle, we use cloth bags at the grocery store, we wash dishes by hand in a bucket in the sink, we open all the blinds to get as much sunlight as possible. we do everything, but our energy bill was so incredibly high. once we realized what the problem was, the space heaters, i put mine away and decided not to use it anymore. i would turn it on for 8 hours every day because my room was an add-on in the 70's and its not properly insulated, so the heat doesn't stay in. Yesterday i stored my heater, and I've been space heater free for one day. I've never been so frozen inside in my life.
I'm thinking about moving to another room in the house, i'm so bored and depressed in here! someone died in the only available room, and i'm totally not down with that.
as my paint teacher would say, "THIS LIGHT IS MAKING ME SUFFER, I'M PHYSICALLY ILL, OHH MY GOD."
so no sunlight means no heat, which means i have to use a space heater because this house is so old the heating is shot and it doesn't stay warm anywhere but upstairs. Space heaters suck up a lot of energy, our bill was 800 dollars last month. We do everything environmentally safe in this house, we recycle, we use cloth bags at the grocery store, we wash dishes by hand in a bucket in the sink, we open all the blinds to get as much sunlight as possible. we do everything, but our energy bill was so incredibly high. once we realized what the problem was, the space heaters, i put mine away and decided not to use it anymore. i would turn it on for 8 hours every day because my room was an add-on in the 70's and its not properly insulated, so the heat doesn't stay in. Yesterday i stored my heater, and I've been space heater free for one day. I've never been so frozen inside in my life.
I'm thinking about moving to another room in the house, i'm so bored and depressed in here! someone died in the only available room, and i'm totally not down with that.
Monday, February 04, 2008
the flash mob
so i was reading up on flash mobs here in San Francisco, and so far there are 2 i plan on attending in the next 2 weeks.
On February 10th (this sunday), at 18th& Church (corner of Dolores Park) at 1:00 pm there will be a public marching band. You can bring kazoos, harmonicas, any instruments you want, and a HAT! I'm taking my little sister to that one.
On Feburary 14th, across from the clock tower in embarcadero is the 3rd annual valentines day pillow fight. I don't know who i'm going with, but i'm going!
I rented Before Night Falls, which is apparently is considered "queer cinema" which i didn't know, because all the box said was about a cuban poet and novelist, Reinaldo Arenas. It's tagged on IMDB as "full frontal nudity". whoops. I also got Au Revoir, Les Enfants, which i've been meaning to see. I get to cross two off my list!
I finished my essay this morning. I swear its the most boring 3 pages I've ever written/read.
On February 10th (this sunday), at 18th& Church (corner of Dolores Park) at 1:00 pm there will be a public marching band. You can bring kazoos, harmonicas, any instruments you want, and a HAT! I'm taking my little sister to that one.
On Feburary 14th, across from the clock tower in embarcadero is the 3rd annual valentines day pillow fight. I don't know who i'm going with, but i'm going!
I rented Before Night Falls, which is apparently is considered "queer cinema" which i didn't know, because all the box said was about a cuban poet and novelist, Reinaldo Arenas. It's tagged on IMDB as "full frontal nudity". whoops. I also got Au Revoir, Les Enfants, which i've been meaning to see. I get to cross two off my list!
I finished my essay this morning. I swear its the most boring 3 pages I've ever written/read.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
The hoodie
In other news, I've been watching national geographic all night. Things about the human body and brain, we are such complex creatures its astonishing! How in the hell can you believe that some mystical man in the sky thought of this intricate system? A flick of a wand couldn't make me!
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the end of the world
it's been pretty nasty outside lately, it looks like the end of the world sometimes.
today there was a bit change of plans, but my day is seeming to be working out. I'm going to "work" in about an hour. I don't know if i really consider it work because its only 1 or 2 days a week, and its not for a company, (i'm not selling drugs). i guess being sort-of-nannyish is considered work.
i thought my phone was glitching really bad but i fixed it and enhanced it a little.
I got MGMT's Time To Pretend EP, it's okay. I really like the title track, i'm not big on the vocals but the instrumental is really catchy and good. the video is pretty silly too.
I stayed up until 3 am last night/this morning writing in my new journal. I wrote funny stories about horrifying things that i've been through, or they seemed horrifying at the time. Like losing my virginity, and my dad threatening to kill the guy i liked if he ever came near me again, and an extremely public and embarrassing argument.
today there was a bit change of plans, but my day is seeming to be working out. I'm going to "work" in about an hour. I don't know if i really consider it work because its only 1 or 2 days a week, and its not for a company, (i'm not selling drugs). i guess being sort-of-nannyish is considered work.
i thought my phone was glitching really bad but i fixed it and enhanced it a little.
I got MGMT's Time To Pretend EP, it's okay. I really like the title track, i'm not big on the vocals but the instrumental is really catchy and good. the video is pretty silly too.
I stayed up until 3 am last night/this morning writing in my new journal. I wrote funny stories about horrifying things that i've been through, or they seemed horrifying at the time. Like losing my virginity, and my dad threatening to kill the guy i liked if he ever came near me again, and an extremely public and embarrassing argument.
Saturday, February 02, 2008
the magical amount
i spent all morning with Keith, and i bought some movies.
i learned theres a lot of things I've got to get over within myself. My laughing habits are so embarrassing. I need to stop being so insecure, because its hurting us.
"I'm unsure and unclear with the words that I say
I'm happy when you are near and I wish that forever could stay
Just like today
You have beautiful, beautiful eyes
So bright and alive and enchanting
I want to be with you all of the time
It's hopeless but I have to try anyway"-Puela Quam Amo Est Pulchra
Have you seen the previews for Charlie Bartlett? Its like a mix between Rushmore and Ferris Bueller, looks bad.
For those of you who are fans of We Need Girlfriends, have any of you seen the truth commercial with Henry in it!?
i learned theres a lot of things I've got to get over within myself. My laughing habits are so embarrassing. I need to stop being so insecure, because its hurting us.
"I'm unsure and unclear with the words that I say
I'm happy when you are near and I wish that forever could stay
Just like today
You have beautiful, beautiful eyes
So bright and alive and enchanting
I want to be with you all of the time
It's hopeless but I have to try anyway"-Puela Quam Amo Est Pulchra
Have you seen the previews for Charlie Bartlett? Its like a mix between Rushmore and Ferris Bueller, looks bad.
For those of you who are fans of We Need Girlfriends, have any of you seen the truth commercial with Henry in it!?
Friday, February 01, 2008
the confidence
I've been feeling pretty confident.
My mom and i felt nauseous all day so we went shopping. I bought some new shoes, red heels to be exact, and they are beautiful.
Last night i couldn't sleep, and was feeling pretty angry so i made an Ultimate Bright Eyes playlist. I told you making lists makes me feel better. I don't know what it is!
Going to the gym...ugh.
So i went to the gym with my dad around 7:45 and we didn't realize it closed at eight, so we went next door to the bar and met up with some of his friends and had a few drinks. it's still awkward drinking around him. the only reason i get away with it there is because he knows people. then we got ice cream.
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