The Truth Shall Set Me Behind

There is no way to describe the feeling of finding recent naked pictures of your boyfriend's ex girlfriend in his email inbox. The bad part is that I wasn't snooping, they were just there. I was looking for the recordings Mike was supposed to send us of our band practicing the other night. I wish he would've had a great excuse, too. But he didn't, and I am stuck here wondering where I should be stuck. The worst part is that I never thought he would do it to me.

Remember over the summer when she came to visit and it was the end of the world because I was the bitch girlfriend asking questions about why she was even there. I was reassured time and time again that she "mean't nothing," and was "just a friend." He has spent the last year making me trust him when she's around, but I'm not fucking stupid. Remember last New Years Eve when he was here in New York at a party with her "flirting" and "maybe kissing" and I had to hear it from the other side of the country? Guess who was the crazy one then too. This is making me question every single second that he has ever spoken to me, I don't know when he's told the truth.

He is my best fucking friend on earth. We wake up together, we eat together, we hang out together, we play in a band together, we go to sleep together, and to tell you the truth I don't think I could do that with anyone else. But now I feel like I can't look at him the same anymore.

If I wasn't stuck here in New York, I would not be here in our room. I'm stuck between a cheating boyfriend and being broke. It is quite possibly one of the worst places to be stuck. On top of all this, the job at the farm is boring and mindless work, easy money. I need something to occupy my mind, not numb it. Josh has already done that for me this week.

here are those fucking recordings anyways.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=SY66EFEJ

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=LVE4ILB1

The Let Down

I am running really low on money. I need 600 dollars to get my car on the road now, I still owe Josh's parents 600 dollars, and the bills are piling up. I dont understand how the world expects me to start living. I went to college, I moved out on my own without any help from my parents, I got a job where they treat me like complete shit, and I save money. But it's still not enough. I moved to New York so I could start a life of my own and be a responsible adult, but I just seem to be slipping farther and farther into a giant hole. Everyone is still dictating how I should live my life and making me do tons of shit that I don't want to do. And it's different from being younger because the shit I didn't want to do was homework or something ridiculously easy, and now there are consequences. I work so fucking hard week after week and I have yet to get anything rewarding out of it.

On top of all this, Josh's sister hates me because I didn't go to two dentists appointments that she made for me that I told her to cancel because I don't have any insurance or money. She calls me today and tells me she made me another appointment for this thursday and she wants me to watch her kids on wednesday.

I wake up every morning wishing I hadn't, just so I could avoid all the bullshit that everyone else throws on me. I wish i owned a camper van so I could drive down the pacific coast off the radar and live on the beach. I hate this fucking country and I hate everyone around me.

The Cro Mags Part 2

I saw the Cro-Mags play last night at Bogies in Albany. Let me start by saying that I will never attend another show at Bogies. I have tried my hardest to stay away from tough guy hardcore assholes, and now I know where they all coagulate. Besides this, people were going off for the fucking Cro Mags per usual and I was completely enjoying myself. Right Brigade cover was righteous. The best part of the night was watching them soundcheck. Josh was playing in the opening band so we got to watch the magic happen in an empty room. We heard them cover Banned in DC and 12XU (minor threat version). I don't think anything could ever top that. Wow.

There is much more Cro Mags to see, and I know this isn't the last time.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

The Passive

It is 5:30 am and I just got back from passive aggressively leaving my job. My last day was to be Friday, but I decided that I didn't feel like dealing with their shit today so I left him a note saying adios. He has fucked me over so many times in the last three months that I've worked there, that I didn't really feel like helping him out on our largest production day, or ever again. It was an extremely shitty thing to do to your employer, but he is an extremely shitty person so I don't feel too bad. Work should be challenging, not incriminating.

My new job offers me health and dental insurance, about 3 more dollars an hour, and it's in the field of my choice (which is primarily bread baking).

No more fucking pastries, pizza dough bagels, and improper techniques. I feel like I'm actually going to be able to use my schooling at this new place, instead of being taught everything over completely ass backwards.

By the way, it snowed about 6 inches yesterday, and its the most snow ive ever seen fall in my life. We built a snowman with a mohawk, unfortunately he killed himself shortly before I left for work this morning.

The Snow

It started snowing on saturday and it was beautiful. Very cold, but beautiful. I am about to quit my job on wednesday. I am nervous because they are going to be huge assholes about it. I think if they are I am just going to walk out and never go back, what can they do then? If I just never show up and never answer their phone calls, they can't punish me for quiting. I still haven't heard anything from the farm, but its my fault. I took so long to get back to her, I just had no time. I'm not worried about finding a job, I'd rather be jobless for a while than have to work at this place. Plus, the asshole was going to make me work all the week of christmas so he could go on a vacation AGAIN. I'm covering for him this entire week because he is on vacation. On wednesday I'm giving him my weeks notice, so I don't look like a giant asshole quiting the week before christmas, I am the giant asshole quiting two weeks before christmas. Ugh, I just can't deal with people yelling at me. I chose the wrong career path.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry