the rain

i feel like i spent all day in the rain. Candace and i have been soaked since 3.

I've been pissed off and on edge since i had that anxiety attack on Tuesday morning. It might've altered my brain a little.

I have noticed a lot of things between my mom and I recently. I can honestly tell you that i can't remember the last time she touched me. I feel like i haven't hugged her in years. Even when i was 15 I'd ask her to come and lay with me in my bed before i fell asleep just to laugh and have my mom to cuddle with, every once in a while she'd oblige. Ever since she had my sister, it's been weird, and after my brother was born it was even worse. Its like the more kids she had after me, the more we grew apart. I miss it when it was just us two, from what i remember.
I remember it most when I'd have a fever. The thermometer under my tongue, curled up in her blankets, watching cartoons all day.
My pseudo-grandma came up to me the other day while i was eating in the kitchen next to my mom and my brother and she put her hand on my head and played with my hair, admiring how long my hair had gotten since before she'd left, and my mom looked jealous. I'm sure if she'd try to touch me now I'd tell her to fuck off.


Some days I wish i'd never lived past 9.

"You said, "I'm done feeling like a skeleton,
No more sleepwalking dead,"
You're going to wake from this coma,
You're going to crawl from this bed you have made,
And stop counting on that camera,
That hangs round your neck,
Because it won't ever remember,
What you choose to forget,
As you try to find some source of light,
Try to name one thing you like,
You used to have such a longer list,
And light, you never had to look for it,
But now it's so easy to second guess everything you do,
Until all you want is to finish this half empty glass,
Before the ice melts away,
This feeling always used to pass,
But seems like it's every day ,
Seems like it's every night now."-A Line Allows Progress, A Circle Does Not
^one of my favorite Bright Eyes songs, i always come back to this exact emotion. i guess the title is right.

the sunday smile

Beirut is definately my favorite band at the moment. After browsing Youtube for some live sets i found these videos that a director made of Zach and the band playing in random places around Brooklyn. If you're a fan you should really check them out..HERE!

Zach Condon continues to surprise me with the beautiful music he makes at such a young age. I've never felt so moved by instrumentals alone.

"All I want is the best for our lives my dear,
and you know my wishes are sincere.
But whats to say for the days I cannot bare?"-Sunday Smile

BEIRUT - Sunday Smile from The Flying Club Cup
Uploaded by flyingclubcup

the shower

encore une fois

this morning i had an anxiety attack in the shower. i thought i was dying, it was the scariest thing i've ever been through.

i've had a headache all day and just want to sleep it away.

taking care of my sick baby sister is the only thing keeping me from going insane right now.

" Amy's got a baby in her stomach,
She took my hand I felt it kick ,
So she's crying an glowing ,
She's 3 months and showing ,
Seeing her now makes me want to live ,
....
All the traffic lights blur into a bright bouquet ,
I wish I could just turn and walk away ,
But I can't do it no way ,
Until the birds return for spring cleaning."
-Spring Cleaning Bright Eyes/Neva Dinova

the top five hate list

It's 9:30 in the morning, and I'm awake. It's a miracle, i know! I've already gone to the dentist, and came back. I was super nervous and shaking too much so they could only do 1 filling and now i have to come back for 4 more appointments instead of 3. They let me listen to my headphones which calmed me down a lot, but i was still trying to focus on something in particular. The only thing that kept me from shaking was spelling. I could only spell words that were difficult or that i had to think about. here are some of those words from that list;

Darjeeling (this one was the most effective)
Appointment
Inconclusive
Palahniuk

This visit also inspired me to make a top five list of the things i hate the most, in no specific order;
1. All persons, ideas, and things affiliated with the Westboro Baptist Church made famous for their "God Hates Fags" campaign.
2. Everything to do with the Dentist and it's extreme sterileness*, latex, and drills.
3. Waking up before 10
4. Waking up after 12
5. Taxes

*Note: This will be the third word i've invented since starting this blog*

i used to connect with at least one person in my house, that being my sister. now that she's getting older i can't stand to be around her. half of the things i do, she tells on me for. we used to play around and fight each other, now her side of the game is trying to get me to be as violent as possible so she can go and cry to her mommy about how mean i am. she annoys the shit out of me 80% of the time, and the minute i want to annoy her, i get in trouble. i stay in my room 90% of the time at home because everyone is so fucking ridiculous. and the worst part is that no one ever fucking knocks.

fuck everyone right now, 121 days until my liberation.

the morning

i can't fucking take this shit anymore i don't know what to do. 10 hours ago i was content, making jokes, then i fell asleep. i wake up to this fucking bullshit and want to scrap every plan i made today just to sit here and cry about it.

i wish i was going to New York, i want to leave.

I don't know what you expect from me.

It's bullshit that I'm not good enough though, fuck that. I am better than this shit, i am fucking better than this. I'm not fighting for your attention anymore.

"You can leave me on corner,
where you found me,
I'm not for sale anymore."

its not bright eyes, but it fits, fuck off.
oh my god. i've turned into jealous needy girlfriend, kill me.


Edit://
i thought today couldn't get any worse.
my parents have planned a huge camping trip to Mt.Shasta with a whole bunch of family from a bunch of other states, on the exact dates of my 18th birthday. I definately don't want to be stuck with a bunch of family in a cabin on the biggest birthday of them all. I even questioned my mom and she said, "well us and all of them weren't thinking about your birthday when we planned this." Maybe they could at least reschedule? No, their stupid fucking vacation comes before my 18th birthday. I'm not going. I'm going to stay here and rage until i can't see anymore.

The Best Page In The Universe

I hadn't visited The Best Page In the Universe in a while, but i did tonight. His new comments on Crocs have reassured my conscience that i am not a total asshole for thinking everyone who owns a pair should set themselves on fire.

(I can also thank Vincent for introducing me to Maddox last year with the Alphabet of Manliness.)

So, it's about 2 in the morning. I have 28% of remaining battery power on my computer, which means i have approximately 51 minutes to complain about how i did absolutely nothing productive today besides watching a movie while simultaneously braiding my hair and eating apple jacks. Oh! Joaquin also gave me the idea to make a Valentines Day playlist. I did that, too.

Right this very second Pseudo Grandparents walked in the door home from El Salvador, they've been gone for a month and are probably extremely jet-lagged. i thought about hiding in their closet when i heard the car pull up, just to throw some confetti and welcome them back to the living hell that has consumed this house. But then i weighed the probability of a heart attack, and decided against it considering i cheated when i was certified for CPR.

I just stumbled upon this gem of a website, which proves to me there are still funny people on earth that i wanted to be friends with.

the movies

i've been watching a lot of movies lately, since the video store has a super selection of foreign movies, i wanted to watch all of them. i was on a roll, about 8 or so this week. that is until they eliminated their deal of 5 dvds for 5.41. I now have to pay 3.50 PER dvd, which i guess is reasonable, but most of them are not new releases. So, I've made the decision to switch to Netflix. Here's what i've watched this past week though.

(not foreign)
Junebug (i want to be ashley's friend)
Rushmore (early Wes Anderson)
The King (so so twisted.)
(foreign)
Amores Perros (One of my favorites now, such a great story.)
Volver (also a new favorite, so many twists!)
Bad Education (i was so turned off after i watched this, but you would've never seen it coming)
Y Tu Mama Tambien (New favorite, i can't believe Diego Luna did dirty dancing 2 afterwards)
The Motorcycle Diaries (Made me excited for my trip to Peru. It was intriguing to see the history of young Che, before all the guerrilla/revolution stuff.)

there was another but i forgot what it was. This is what I've got for the weekend;
-Thumbsucker
-L'Enfants

Gael Garcia Bernal is in half of all of those movies listed. I think the worst one out of the ones i watched already was Bad Education, but i actually really liked it. I'm waiting for a really shitty one to come along here.

"This TV is old, the color is fucked, do you see the difference in the shades? But the green is still close to green, my love, And I believe we are the same, And we’ll stay like this, all gold and green, The light collects and projects your heart on a movie screen."-The Difference In the Shades


Here's whats on my list of things to rent in the future (from Netflix);
Au Revoir, Les Enfants
Maria Full Of Grace
Elephant
Curse of the Golden Flower(looks pretty)
Me and You and Everyone We Know (can't find it anywhere)
Broken Flowers
Everything Is Illuminated (I read the damn book just so i could see it)
Sweet Sixteen
All About My Mother
The Squid and The Whale
Babel
Amen
21 Grams
Goodbye, Lenin!
The Lives of Others
Delicatessen

Any recommendations?

The Race

One day, I'm going to drive myself absolutely insane with all of these over-analyzations. No matter how hard i try to trust, I can't, and I know this is only going to hurt me in the long run. The saddest part is that it has nothing to do with you, it's completely inside of me. I don't bring it up anymore with you because I hate to bother you with it when i know its neither your fault or something you can fix. I will lose to this, i know it. I hate my mind and how it races, that's why i can never sleep. And thats why I'm awake at 1:30 in the morning writing about something that has and always will be an internal conflict.

"But as for me I'm coming to my final failure,
I've killed myself with changes trying to make it better,
But I still ended up becoming something other,
Than what I had planned to be."-A Perfect Sonnet

I couldn't cry, so i watched videos of Heath Ledger, and that did it.

To tell you the truth, out of all the things i'm afraid of, I'm the most scared of dying and other people around me dying before i do. The entire idea of someone being there and now they aren't, makes me so depressed and scared, even when i didn't know them. I can't believe you told me I was stupid for being afraid of death. Maybe you weren't because thats what you really wanted all along.

"Because that's all that you'll get so you'll have to accept,
You are here and then you're gone."-A Perfect Sonnet

I can feel a sad rut coming on, bear with me.

the annoying

Everyone and everything is annoying the hell out of me today. It's mostly my mom, mumbling art snob teachers, and unfunny people who think they're hilarious.

Some days, I love my mom to death. Other days, i don't want to be within a 25 foot radius of her, or any place where she may be heard and/or seen. The worst part about not driving is that she is always waiting for me, and when i don't get service in my classroom's building, it is the end of the world because she won't know how long she'll be waiting. I'd been out for 5 minutes before i had 3 voice mails and 5 text messages asking where i was. I mean really, it's not like i was out at a party getting wasted off my ass and waiting for her to come pick me up because i couldn't afford a cab. I was in school all morning! I can't control the fact that you showed up ten minutes early. I've been waiting a long time for her to calm the fuck down and stop treating me like i'm 11, the least she could do was wait five minutes.

I get in the car and she asks me to babysit tomorrow morning, but i also have to babysit for her at 3 tomorrow afternoon. Fine, alright I'll do it. We are driving back and she asks me to wait in the car with my brother so she can run into Ross to get an outfit for an interview tomorrow. Fine, alright I'll wait. Finally we get home and she asks me if i have any sweatpants to wear around the house instead of pajama pants. What the hell is the difference? No, I don't and i will not. Then she asks to borrow my favorite softest black scarf that i brought back with me from the house in New Mexico last year. So i look for it and hand it to her, but caution that she might want to wash it first because i wore it in Oregon and got it dirty but haven't cleaned it yet. She then has the nerve to make a face and ask what the stain/clump is. I'm sorry i didn't have it royally prepared and washed for you, i was busy doing you other favors.

All of the above stated events make me want to tear my hair out and throw it in her face then ask her if she needs any more favors and if she'd like me to change into an outfit for sitting around on my ass. Meanwhile, i will drown my face in a cup of tea (good thing i have archive footage of this action, i do it quite often. i can't wait to get up new pictures again.)

It was so different when i was little, she was my best friend. I don't know if it's her or me that has changed, maybe its us both. We've both grown up. She was always there to brush my hair in the mornings, and now I've cut it short i don't need to brush it anymore. I think it's symbolic.

"You said you hate my suffering.
And you understood,
And you’d take care of me,
You'd always be there,
Well where are you now?"- Haligh, Haligh, a Lie, Haligh

the aspirations

After watching Junebug, it made me want to make a list of my priorities/goals/wants/needs. I don't know why, but i just felt like i needed to make a list of things i want to attain.
Maybe its the fact that Ashley was having her baby so young and I identified more with Madeline. As a kid, i dreamed of having a family of my own to care for. Children, a husband, a dog, a house. Even up until Junior year that is what i wanted. I don't know what clicked inside of me, but it did. I had the choice to set aside all of my goals and stay there in New Mexico, get married at 19, raise children, ignore my aspirations. Essentially, thats the choice i was given. I'm not complaining, i was in no way forced or pushed into staying there.
I left for me, because i knew that there were bigger things i could do, and they weren't going to happen for me in New Mexico. I've struggled with the fact that i left, all the things i lost and left behind. I'm finally coming to this point though, (and i don't forgive myself because there is no forgiveness to be given), i have no one to apologize to.

I am who i am because if what i will do, not who i have been. You can't change the past, but you can change the future.

Here is my list in no specific order,(which has been slightly altered due to that fact that my college plans have gone haywire, and have to be organized a little).
1. Go to Peru/South America with pseudo grandparents this summer
2. Move out from my parents by the end of this year, (preferably by next fall semester).
3. Give Carrie and Shelby a chance, (i can forgive but i won't forget.)
4. Spend a month in Europe, (who knows when this will ever happen, but i can dream.)
5. Get my driver's license.
6. Get my first tattoo, (hopefully the day i turn 18), of this picture above. It's a drawing by Jeff Mangum, singer of Neutral Milk Hotel who made one of my all time favorite songs/albums, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea. The picture has always reminded me of my brother and sister, so i'll always have them with me wherever luck takes me. I feel almost bad that I'm not getting a Bright Eyes tattoo first, seeing as he's written a song for every emotion I've ever felt, but i think this is more important. (Seeing as that is true, and there wont be any pictures for a while, I think I'll post a Bright Eyes lyric every day for how i felt.)
7. Stop being so insecure and paranoid, (i don't know when this will ever end.) Also, stop feeling like i'm not good enough. I'm not perfect, but i've never killed anyone. I didn't get any scholarships, but i graduated. I'm pretty alright.
8. Try to accept the fact that everyone i fall in love with isn't trying to hurt me. I constantly feel like i have to watch my own back when i comes to love. Most likely because i know how easy it is to hurt someone, because I've done it, and i know how easy it is for someone to hurt me. (If anyone I've ever loved reads this blog, I'm sorry for the things i did to you both, whether it was horribly disloyal or incredibly juvenile and ridiculous, I'm sorry. But it doesn't mean i never loved you.)
9. Stop laughing when I'm angry to hide the fact that i'm really mad. Also, stop being so sarcastic during important conversations, it doesn't help the situation, and i know this because my mom does it and it annoys me.
10. Answer my phone.
11. Learn French, and brush up my Spanish skills, (mire el numero uno! porque lo necesitare!) I think spending a month in a Spanish speaking country will help, too. I only hope that SOMEONE speaks English besides my pseudo-grandparents, i can't only talk to them for a month.
12. memento mori!
13. Go to India
14. Tell you i love you more, because i mean it.

and here is one for you.
15. hold my hands, tie my arms around you, anything just to keep you closer. i love you more than you know. Even when you are hard on yourself, i know how amazing you are. I'm just afraid someone else might find out, too.


listing makes me feel better, it might make you feel it too.

Sometimes i think this is how everyone else might feel about me.
"Never trust a heart thats so bent it can't break."

the wacky day

my first day of college was also the day of my first car accident. But don't worry, Candace and I are alive. We are living proof that reckless old lady drivers shouldn't get behind the wheel.

Heath Ledger died, what a shame. I'm truly sad about it.

I hate not being liked, and I'm sad about that too.

Family drama is so stupid. Why can't she see that no matter how manipulative she is, she will never tear us apart. You are only included by marriage, woman. Using my grandma's technological incapabilities against her, is unfair.

I want to sleep until all of this blows over.

the head down

im down today, and no, i don't want to talk about it.

back to school tomorrow.

i learned how to play my favorite cat power song on the piano, and i'm learning passenger seat by death cab. if i get my camera fixed, i'll record it and get my "music page" back together. i feel like such an idiot.

the train

i took Amtrak to go visit Keith in Davis yesterday. I had the best day I've had in a while, there was lots of walking, talking, cuddling, singing, and laughing. He rode the train back with me and we partied to my iPod.

hahahhahaahaha

i feel closer to you now more than ever. i love you so incredibly much, and if you ever doubt it again for one single second, i will fight you. you make me so happy, after a series of horribly unhappy weeks, yesterday made up for it. just lying there next to you made me smile. i miss you already but i have your sweater and it makes me feel alright. i love you beyond a reason.

come with me my love, to the sea, the sea of love. i want to tell you, how much i love you.

the irony

i went to the dentist's office this morning, again. i wont go into detail but i will tell you i ran into someone with a strange connection to me. The receptionist and i were talking about moving places and we both mentioned that we lived in Hawaii. It eventually turned out that we lived in the same city and went to the same high school. She was in the first graduating class, then i came a year later as a freshman. Its so ironic that she went to my, at the time, tiny high school and now we meet in a tiny dentist's office in another state. The world is truly a small, small place.

afterwards and i went to babysit, which i am considering my new job, because I'm doing it more often than i thought. I don't mind at all, because she pays me twice what i was getting at my previous job, to play with her kids and do some dishes. i made 80 dollars today for 5 hours, PLUS she bought us lunch. i was broke up until today, because i bought that new phone and then i spent 90 dollars on tickets for Keith and I to see Justice in March.

Tomorrow I'm going to Davis to visit Keith and i have to take the train, I'm nervous.

the long morning

My day really started at 2am, I couldn't sleep because I started hearing stuff upstairs like someone was breaking into the house so I went to sleep with my mom, but my brother and sister best me too it, I ended up on the floor. my dad came into the room at 7 in the morning and he hit me in the head with the door and asked me what the hell I was doing, I was too tired to explain so I just said "its a longgg story."then I had to wake up and watch my brother while my mom was out.I got jacked up on coffee for 10 minutes and then felt like dying.

the new phone

i bought a blackberry pearl! and she is so so sweet.

the minutes

within 3 minutes, my day went from alright and casual to horrible and keeping me back from my ultimate goal.

due to miscommunication with the operator at Parsons, i am illegible to apply this year.
When i asked her the deadline for admissions she told me March 1st, the actual deadline admission is February 1st and the deadline for FASFA admissions is March 1st, I found this out online. I have yet to take the SAT until March, so it is impossible for me to apply. If she would've just told me the right date, i could've applied, i would've taken the SAT earlier. So now that my dream school is completely out of the question for this year, i have to make other plans.

My grandma called me minutes after this horrible news was discovered only to tell my that my biological father called her and left a message on her answering machine with his phone numbers.

please, no one give me shit today. i am officially depressed.

this cheered me up

the photobooth

Waves.tv is awesome!

the new camera

Meiling is so adorable and confusing and fragile.
I named her Meiling because its supposed to mean beautiful and delicate in Chinese, where she was first born.

i came home from Portland this morning, im ready to pass out and its only 8!

the civility

there is some hostile feelings between my family members here today, its a long story thats been going on a for a while now. after last night's phone call to a missing piece of me, and talking to keith, we both realized how important family really is. i hate to see my uncles not getting along, i wish we could all just sit in the same room together again like when i was a kid.
but lately, more than ever, i realize things are a lot different from when i was i kid.

i talked to Carrie last night, i cried a little, but kept my firm angry stance. I asked why it took her so long to call, and why her son never did. She kept refering to him as my "dad," i had to stop and correct her, he is not my dad, as far as i'm concerned we aren't even the slightest bit related. your blood may flow through mine, but i am not yours to throw away and 15 years later be picked out of the trash and expected to be okay with it.

she wants a relationship but at this point, its too late. No effort was made to find me until i was 16 years old. How do you expect me to forgive and forget all the years my mom and i lived paycheck to paycheck, above a locksmith, in and out of my grandma's house, and fatherless. I have such fucked up issues within myself, a huge insecurity that everyone i love will leave, and because of that i'm extremely needy.

I have never once used the excuse of half of my biological family out of the picture, to cover up for my mistakes, or things i've done to other people. And anyone who uses their childhood as an excuse for anything you've personally done or caused wrong, is pathetic and can't take the heat of their own consequences.

I didn't have a horrible childhood, i was always surrounded by people i loved and people who loved me. yeah, my mom had boyfriends that came and went, but no matter what, I always came first. I remember when i first learned to tie my shoes. I would watch my uncle Shaun do it, and i'd practice just by sight, until i finally got it. Thats how i've learned almost everything i know. I was led by example from everyone in my family, and today, i'm a little bit of each and every one of them.
I look like my grandma and my mom, they both taught me how to be creative.
My uncle Tommy taught me how to ride a Jetski, and what its like to fear anything that chases after you. Damn your godzilla slippers!
My uncle Shaun taught me about music, and having your own mind, making your own path.
My grandma taught me how to run and install programs on a computer, we started building them when i was 5. he also taught me how to procrastinate and be late for everything you must be on time for.


as much as i needed that phone call, i need my family more.

the changes

when i get home, i'm going to try and be more respectful to my mom, no matter how ridiculous she might get, obeying her might do me some good in the long run. it'll kill me to start a new "yes" relationship with her, but this "no," one isn't working.

i called her but it was busy, i'm trying back in a few minutes. my anxiousness has turned to anger and i'm not holding anything back. why should I? if she wants to have any sort of relationship with me, we've got to get a few things out of the way first.

What baffles me is that she is the one calling when it's not her responsiblity. Apparently she doesn't even talk to my biological father anymore, i'm beginning to not see a point in this. If you want to know someone, don't ask their mother, they'll always be the sweetest person on earth. But only nice people die, i guess.

the call

i don't know if i'm ready for this.


the longer i'm without you, the more and more i feel alone, but only about a week more until i visit.

im empty.

the sleeping pills

my body doesn't respond well to them apparently.
i've been falling asleep around 4 in the morning lately, so i took one not last night, but the night before. i fell asleep around 11 and woke up at 9:30, i thought this was working out great, i felt a little groggy but i was awake early. i felt completely exhausted all day, if i sat down i'd fall asleep. so last ight i fell asleep alright, but this morning i couldn't wake up, and finally got out of bed at 2.

my body hates me, and doesn't want sleep.

Justice is going on tour to SF in March, i will be there.

i need something new i my life, i'm not sure what it might be. i can't wait to get home and make some changes between myself, my family, and my future. i used to be scared of the coming months, but im just going to ride it out. New York has been my dream since 8th grade, i shouldn't be afraid of it. It will happen if i want it to.

the guarded information

i'm so glad that i'm away from my mother, since all of the new information i've found out about my other half makes me want to throw her from an overpass into a truck full of chickens carrying the bird flu virus.

i'm calling my biological dad's mother when i get back, no matter how much it hurts her. as far as i'm concerned, she doesn't deserve my sympathy anymore.

the hilarity

girls stooping low to get who they want, fail.
i might be in portland now, but its what they call a vacation.
believe me, i'll be back.

the relaxing

i've forgotten what it feels like to have nothing to do.
my calender says, "no events in the next 7 days," which makes me relaxed.
But also freaked, because i don't know what to do with myself.

vacation is nice, portland is cold, it might snow tomorrow.
i hear the bay area is dying, good thing i'm missing it.
Augustine is apparently still alive.

I have tons of paint in my hair, but i refuse to wash it.
i won't see keith until the 19th, absence makes the heart grow fonder?
hmph.

the much needed vacation

i leave for Portland in 8 hours, 4 of which will be spent sleeping, 2 hours standing in lines, and another 2 hours in an aeroplane.

But, it is not over the sea.


i am confused and baffled by my immediate future, friendships, relationships, and all those other ships. i'm scared, i'm hoping my grandma will have the answers again.

i think you might be right about him waiting to show up for so many years because he really doesn't care. no one has said that to me before, but i think its the truth.

the new year

the first of the year didn't start off too great, but it could've been worse.
last night i stayed home with my sister, my parents came home drunk 20 minutes before midnight and we celebrated with Dick Clark. Sadly, that man of greatness is getting old, it made me sad.
Keith called at 12:05 to say happy new year.
Got text messages from David, and Jenn around 12:10,
and an extremely incoherent phone call from Nick and Zach, needless to say it was quite hilarious.

Had a change of plans this morning, so i just sat around all day, i haven't showered, eaten, or left the house. This day does not foreshadow my year, though.
I have so many things to do and so many things to prepare for.
When my pseudo Grandparents get back from El Salvador on the 19th, I'm going to ask them about their trip to Peru, they go every summer for about 3 weeks. They've asked me to go before but i was too young then.
I have to sign up and take the SATs, find a new job, save 600 dollars for the camera, apply to college, get through Skyline, and walk the stage for my official diploma.
I feel like 2008 will be completely non-stop, no time to sit around and slack anymore.

Nothing is going to stand in my way this year, not you, not my parents, and not my freshman year grades. I simply do not have time.

im pissed and just want some ice cream.

im going to start asking you questions because no one ever comments!
i am typical...what is your new years resolution?
mine is to save money.