The Little Guy

This is my new little baby. I could resist having him in my life, he's a precious baby angel. He has bright blue eyes! I named him Juni. This cheered me up quite a bit, plus i got a new job! I'm going to be working pantry at this fancy restaurant. It's kind of weird that I'm not baking, but the place is so nice and the chef said he has no problem training me since I'm new to it. It seems too good to be true, but it's a new place and I do have SOME experience. I am not quitting the cafe just yet, but in the next couple weeks I will be. I'm excited to be back in a real kitchen, like I had when i went to school. I won't have to deal with customers and I have to wear the coat! soo excited.

I am starting a career, it's weird.

The Loss

It's been almost 3 months since I stopped seeing Josh, and you'd think after this amount of time I'd go back to my bitch ways and hate him, but I don't. As nasty as he's been to me over the past couple months, you'd think I would hate him but I can't, even for as much as he hates me. Our relationship wasn't the boy and girl holding hands down the block, but it was fun, comfortable, and passionate. Our non-existent relationship still has meaning, its hateful, spiteful, and disturbing. I never knew the person inside him that could be so cruel. I have kept my distance from him, I've stayed inside at night away from his prized territory, why wasn't it possible for people who are not associated with me to keep to themselves?

I understand, I'm doing a bad thing, but at this point what is the incentive to stop? There was a point about a week-in when i thought 'what the fuck am I doing? what have I done?' But there was something in the back of my head, an itch that I could not scratch, that kept me from being able to be in love with Josh for so long. I wish to something greater than myself that i would've never seen what I saw, because if i didn't then maybe I wouldn't have gone so crazy and been so miserable since then.

I thought i could replace him with someone who does all the things he never did, but i shouldn't be looking for a replacement I shouldn't be looking for anything at all. I just feel like his chapter in my life was ended too soon and it's all my fault. I don't know what to do when my significant other starts ignoring and avoiding me, my first instinct is to get out of there before he does. Well there's no going back, no good enough excuses.

It just really sucks to not have him to talk to, because I have no one on this coast who gives a shit about me now. All I want at this moment is to have someone agree with me that we were partners in this mess so I can die with knowing I wasn't the lonely asshole.

The Danger There

"Fools rush in where wise men never go, but wise men never fall in love, so how are they to know?"

So, I lied. I was wrong and all that, but theres no going back. Josh hates me, he knows Connor and I have been seeing each other for a bit. I can't say it ended the way i hoped it would, there were three days of screaming, crying, and lots of anger towards each other. I've been going on bike rides to keep my head out of the water, but this week has been too below average for my sweet taste. My hours got cut in half this week because August has been slow, and the job hunt so far isn't successful. A lot of places drug test, and thats not really my style. I don't want to work some place where they're concerned about what i do on my free time. At my job now i show up every day and I show up on time. I've called in sick one time since i started there in January, not too shabby for a pot head is it? I get my bills paid and my responsibilities taken care of, but outside of work I'm a different person, and thats the way it should be.

I've been hanging out with my roommates more often, and it's easier because they're out of the "scenester" loop, and they're on my side when i get the chance to complain about being harassed for three days. My house seems to be the only safe area now too, it's really the only place Connor and I can be without being afraid of outer drama seeping in.

And I've gotten a lot better at cooking, too. FOR REAL! I make something different every night, and the more I do the more I know. I successfully made a red thai curry last night with vegetables from Connor's mom's garden. And it wasn't disgusting! I'd make it again!

New tattoo also, from a super cool equipped roommate. They're California poppies!