the stage two

so, im going through stage two.
stage one is total sadness, stage two is confusing anger, and stage three is the realization.
i thought i was going to skip stage two, because yesterday i was feeling alright and was thinking, you know what life goes on. But no, I guess i'm not skipping it.


I don't want to be hung up on this anymore, i want this all to be over, i don't want to look at the box full of your stuff anymore. I kept every single bus transfer, every single movie ticket, the ribbon, the necklace, it's all in there. everything i do reminds me of you, and i don't understand. i don't want to understand why I am a complete desperate fool. i don't want to understand why you love me but can't be with me. I don't understand why we couldn't have just figured everything out. i want this to be over so bad. i can't cry anymore, i haven't gone a single day with crying. I had a dream a few nights ago that we talked and everything was fine and when i woke up i thought just for a few seconds it was real, and then i cried because i realized it wasn't. Everyone always talks about how hard things like this are, and I never believed them until now.

I feel like I'm laying around in the grass in pieces just waiting for you to come and pick me up and put me back together.

there are no words to describe how horrible i feel and how much i just wish for one more day we could be normal again.

Carrie called my Grandma demanding for my phone number, apparently she was yelling at my grandma and was really mean. I won't call her back for a few years now. No one ever yells at my fucking grandma, if i had a car i'd drive up there and tell her to shut her big fat alcoholic mouth.

I want to start my life over from the beginning.

Everything, absolutely everything is just complete and total shit. Every emotion I've ever had is coming out at the same time and I can't handle it, theres no way i can handle this on my own, for the first time in my life I'm asking for help. Please help me figure out where to go from here.
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"The kitchen is cold but the coffee is warm
The sun is coming up
The day has just begun and you are already bored
You're bored of cheering me up, bored of calming me down, bored of drying my eyes
But there was once a time when you were the one
You were the blue of the sky
You came after the storm
You were the switch on the wall in the dark of the hall that I'm still fumbling for
Because I'm lost in the black
I don't know where I am
I have my arms stretched out in front and I'm calling your name just as loud as I can
And I know there are things of which we will never speak
And the questions can't be answered easily, but I want it to be easy
So just nod you head if the plans have changed
Shake it love, if they've stayed the same
Smile at me and I will stay
Start to cry and I'll go away
Just please don't leave me guessing."-Messenger Bird's Song