the volume

im in my room, with my music loud, so i dont have to hear my mom crying in the bathroom. shes been in there for an hour, just crying. But i'm too afraid to go in there an ask whats going on, why she's crying, what he did. i really dont know why my parents are still married, really. They dont love each other, i can't remember the last time i saw them kiss or hug and mean it, in pure love. it makes me hate living in this house, hate them for staying together because the marriage ceritificate says they should. i really think the only pure love i have in my life is the love i have for my brother and sister. it makes me never want to love anyone, to want to never get married, so i won't hate the person im married to a year later. to have kids and be stuck in this terrible relationship, for the children. to never have anything in my life for myself and devote it to a marriage and a family and job. it makes me not want to live. if my only purpose as a woman is to care for every man in this world, to cook and clean and give him children, i do not want to live.
and at this point in society, thats all i feel i am worth.
i am a woman with no dreams, no ambitions, and no dignity.
but i will tell you one thing, i do not belong to anyone, only to myself.
i will not be your housewife.

the revelation

yeah, i love you.

the emotional part of me

i hate when the emotional part of me comes out. i cried when i was happy and then when i was sad and then when i heard a pretty song and saw the ocean at night.
i hate ruining things. i mean, i love this guy. how could i not love him? when im with him nothing matters, i dont even answer my phone, i dont wash my hands every five seconds. when im away from him, he's all i can think about. this is love right? or am i just wanting someone to love me back?
i hate not being able to tell.
i just feel like i dont deserve him, really.
he's so great and hes got so much going for him, but what do i have? i take horrible care of myself, i dont have any real goals, and i complain most of the time, i can't do art. i hide behind all of this fucking make up and hair color and just expect people to like me for the complete lie of a personality i have.
god, i dont deserve you at all.

what a drag

im so bummed out.
i can't help but feel exploited and pissed off that i was ever friends with such a she-devil, and i don't even know what the supposed "gossip," is. I'd really like to know, since there seems to be nothing people don't know about my personal life these days. God, can't you just stay the fuck out?
Hey and guess what! You're fucking 50 and not in high school anymore, stay the fuck out of my life. This isn't even your daughter's life, ITS MINE you're prying into. She may buy feelings out of her daughters, but this is coming straight from my heart FOR FREE. I fucking hate you, you're a sham for a human being, if was one of your kids, or if i was even related to you, i would kill myself. i'd throw myself down a flight of stairs or stab myself all over your newly slave labored rugs.

Keith and i went to the city today, we went to an art thing, which was funny and good, and then super wierd and confusing. then good transformer icees, Jesus dancers, borders, then candace's.
im so happy when im with you, i feel so complete but as soon as you leave i just get so sad, like i'll never see you again or something. and i want to see you everyday but i know its hard because we are both dumb and dont drive.

god, i fucking hate being sad about things i can't control and/or change.
i just want you, here with me, 4/7 days a week i'd like to see you.
please god, just dont leave me, as soon as im finding out how perfect you are, please dont leave.
and its not like im jealous you're hanging out with that girl that likes you, even though you deny it, i just fucking hate her, and yeah im jealous that she gets to spend tomorrow with you and not me. Why not me?

on break, sadly at work.

i feel i spend too much time doing things i dont like to do, because i have to.
most of them i am forced to do, except constantly being on the computer.
when i live in a house thats not mine, with none of my things, theres not much else to do.
i feel like im not taking care of myself, eating, totally not exercising in anyway except when keith and i walk all over.
im just, lazy. for some reason im slipping back into that depressed summer stage when theres nothing to be depressed about.
im happy when im with candace, or hanging out with keith, but all the other time i spend by myself, i think too much about things i dont need to think about just then.
i've been pondering calling my biological "grandmother" sort of, soon.
i can't call her a "grandma", she hasn't earned the title, and she never will.
i wonder what i'd say to her, "hi, you weren't apart of the most crucial 16 years of my life, but thanks for trying now," ?
i wonder if its even worth it, what the hell can i get out of that? it might open a door to my brain or to my entire self that i dont feel like opening.
im seventeen years old, and i can't get the guts to make a phone call. i think connecting with her pushes a bigger emotion on my mom than it does me, for some reason. i guess cause she can remember it all. but even when she called for the first time, my mom cried when she told me about it, telling me the only part when she apologized for being so terrible to my mom. But mom, what did she want to say about me? Did she even want to know about ME?
the thing about my mom is that she usually makes everything about her.
My "dad" and his "family" missing from MY life has FUCKED my life.
i have the worst trust issues out of anyone i've ever met, and i think being fucked over by someone who made you, has done it for me.
Maybe i should talk to russell about this, hes got my same story, sort of.
But the thing about my mom, is that when shes trying NOT to make it about her, she does.
I tell her, "mom i've been depressed my entire life, but dont make this about you," her direct reply was, "well im sorry i wasn't a good enough mother, im sorry I fucked your life up."
see what i mean? shes makes it about her even when shes trying not to.
she wonders why i hate being home, and why im never there.
Olivia wants me to run around, jagger screams 3/4 of the time, shes screaming at me to clean my room. god. maybe its the tensions of us all having to live so close now.

i just miss being able to be truely alone.

when im on the computer im getting put down by faggot ex boyfriends and im forced to defend myself against "friends" who i've "hurt" but i dont give two flying fucks about. i will not apologize to either of you, because i dont feel i need to.
candace is my best friend, cause she understands and shes not selfish. keith is my boyfriend because he cares and hes not an asshole.

i hate the rest of you.

the body breaks

you know that incredible feeling you get when you feel a new love fleeting?
when you adore absolutely every part of another person.
i am attracted to him mentally emotionally physically.
im still in the stage of disbelief, i can't actually believe it's happening.
we're together, as internet friend and i would say, i am together with mr. 100%
i have found the guy i've been looking for, for so long, and i am his.
sometimes we just talk about everything. school, friends, pressure, anger.
instead of trying to look on the positive side of negative issues he just lets it roll off his back and its really something i need to learn to do.
when he kisses me its different than anyone i've ever been with before, and its completely comfortable. theres so much passion in his hands through his arms and to his chest. he holds my head up so i dont have to, and that makes the biggest difference between him, and everything else.
when we're in the city, or in his house, or on muni, or on bart, it is always just me and him.
me and you, him and I.

every chance i get to see him i take it, because as soon as i see him walk through those doors at work or when he gets in the car, i just let everything else go.

sountrack to my life

someday, i'll write that.
Maybe i'll just start with my most played songs, they're mostly all bright eyes though.
no actually i wont, because they're all bright eyes except for 2, and thats Bjork.
lord, im glad i got some new music to listen to now.

the truth

im afraid to get out of high school and be on my own.
as much as i may despise the idea of my generation, what will i do when im not in high school? what is the purpose of a teenage girl without a high school?
i desperately want to move out of "the house," it seems as though i dont even have a house anymore, i live in my step-grandparent's built on room. im definately sure i dont have a home, its not in this place. It's not portland either.
i love san francisco, i love the option of going to the city every friday with keith, and anyone i want to see play, i get to see.
im afraid to go to community college and transfer some other place.
i'm afraid to tell someone who considers me a friend, that i am a royal backstabber.
i'm afraid of being alone, and get old without experiencing the best and worst times of my life.
this is the poem i wrote for my final project in english, i hated the assignment and the idea of "slam poetry," so i just wrote it to piss people in my class off. they're all narrow minded anyways, hence the last line.

Open your closed mind, or shut your mouth.
Close your judgmental eyes, or shut off your tv.
Open your polluted ears, or walk away.
It's been a cruel punishment, in a cruel world, for an old soul.
I've been locked up since i was 5,
Forced to converse with empty minds and shallow hearts.
As an observer I have formed my own opinions,
"You cannot love without the love of god," she told me.
As an observer i saw no love, i saw no god.
God would have saved eric's brother, ryan's mother, jake's father, grandma's sister.
I've been force fed misleading guidance, biblical morals, and empty promises.
Just like those empty promises i made to those children being brainwashed in North Dakota, to the innocent of the countries we've been bombing, to that little girl whos been missing.
I'll save you, i promised them, i'd save them you know?
I'd be the savior they were dreaming of.
Just as i dreamed as a child that my dad would come back for me.
15 years later, and the dreams seem unattainable.
So close your mind, plug your ears, shut your eyes.
Because you haven't absorbed a single word i just said.

the purpose

i started this blog in hope that none of the people i censor myself for on my other ones, will read it.
im really tired of having to watch what i say about things and about people and about my secret that shouldn't be a secret. i spend every Friday after school with my "secret" boyfriend. i wish there was a better word than secret, it sounds so filthy. "closet" boyfriend makes him sound like a budding homosexual. Maybe i'll call him my "ambiguous boyfriend," it makes him sound mysterious. The point is, this entire situation is the type of situation that is uncomplicated, and we all know there is one solution, but we all chose to make it about something that it completely is not. i'm not going to lie to you though, what i did was a pretty malicious thing to do. "Stealing" your "best friend's" crush. I use my quotations wisely here because i do not consider it stealing" and i do not consider her my "best friend." Yes, i mean we spent a lot of time together this year, but on an intellectual, emotional level, she in no way shape or form even has a chance in the running for the title of my "best friend." I had to hang out with her, because the girl who i would consider being my "best" friend, never comes to school, and in a sense I had no choice. I've established with myself, and also with my friend Craig, that i have a semi-heart. Because i have the balls to "steal" her crush from underneath her constantly infected nose, but i don't have the courage to tell her. If you only knew the whole story though, really. It goes as follows;
Lets begin with the characters.
Candace, Keith, Tiffany, Krystle, Me.
Candace and Keith have been friends since elementary school, live within blocks of each other, etc. Tiffany and Krystle, are sisters who are both friends with Keith, Candace and Myself. I swear a few months ago we were like a dream team, until i started to get annoyed with Tiffany's childish un funny antics, and it suddenly turned into Candace, Keith, and Myself.
Well, Tiffany had a crush on Keith all last summer, and for some idiotic reason she never made a move on him. She finally tried something about 2 months ago, and he rejected her. Obviously because she waited too long, right? Well thats what we all thought, until one day he revealed to us he never liked her, ever. His exact words, "I mean, i tried to like her, i really did. I thought about it a lot, about how perfect it would be since we 're all friends and we could all hang out, but then i REALLY though about it, and i realized that i've never had a good conversation with her, ever. I mean, how are you supposed to date someone you can't even talk to?"
I became the master chef to the shit stirring pot about a month ago when we all hung out one Friday night like we do, all of us friends, every week. Except, Keith revealed his love for me to Candace. Now this is the kicker, I'd had a crush on Keith for a long time, even when i knew tiffany liked him. Since the first time i met him i knew he was perfect. If you know me at all you'd know that i was on my quest for my Seth Cohen, and by god it ended at his feet. So i was really excited about this, and we had a good time, we went to an arcade and keith and i played games together all night, and of course Tiffany has to be the attention seeker and CRY, yes im not lying to you, CRY, because we played skeeball together all night while she mopped around with a headache.
To make a long story short, keith and i secretly had a crush on each other for weeks until we finally hung out one friday just us two, exploring the city. We've done this 3 fridays in a row now. After the first week i had to tell him how i felt and then he told me he felt the same way, as i pretended i didnt know since candace had told me a month before.
So we're officially dating now.
My birthday party was the shining moment though, getting drunk and having him take care of me without thinking i was a total creep was the best part of my night.
This last friday was the greatest though, really. He isnt afraid to kiss me in public, to just sit for an hour in one place where theres a lot of people, or just a few, and just kiss and smile and be happy to be with each other.
No one else i was ever with, could do that. To be able to sit on the steps in union square at night and have the lights and the stars and the realness to just be with each other, is something i've been wanting out of life for a long time.
He's polite and funny and smart and he understands where im coming from. I understand where he is stressed out and feels like the world is ridding on his shoulders, i understand that. Maybe not quite as much as he does, since he has won more awards throughout high school than anyone in my whole family has won in our past.

He is the perfect guy, the 100 percent, the seth cohen, and thats the reason its hard for me to feel bad about being with him while my "friend" sits at home unknowingly. I really try not to consider her a friend, i can't stand about 90% of the things that come out of her mouth, and everything she believes in.
There is only 4 other people besides Keith and myself that know about us. One of them being Tiffany's sister. Sometimes i wish she would just tell her and just sit back and watch as Tiffany tries to justify this as a brutal attack towards her, since you know, everything is about her. And thats the problem, i didn't do this to get back at her for being an inmature spoiled terror. I did it for Keith, because of Keith, because of the way i felt for Keith.

I guess you can consider me a terrible friend, but what do you call it when its an unrequited friendship?