the bitch

i have never had to sit down to keep myself from punching her, until today. my mom is the biggest fucking manipulating asshole i have ever met. i can't even begin to tell you the story. sometimes i feel bad about moving out within the next year, because i might miss her and everything, but its days like these i wish i would've stayed in portland a few summers ago, with my grandma like i had planned.
this all started because i needed to go to the bank for 15 minutes to get the money i'd earned from my fucking job. she made a big deal out of it because i don't have a bank account, which wouldn't be the case had she gotten me the identification i needed, right? so suddenly its my fault because i didn't fucking Google it and figure it out myself. I am not joking you, she told me i should've "googled it," now why in the fuck would i do that when she is 30 years older than me and knows how to already? She told me she would get me one, go down to where ever you're supposed to, and fucking get one. So she turns this into the whole "you need to be more responsible, you're getting older, i can't do everything for you anymore, this topic is completely irrelevant," thing.
I was so mad i was shaking and had to turn around, go into another room and sit down to keep from going Hiroshima on her.

i didn't know you could have so much hate for someone you were inside of.
if i can't get a place after i turn 18 here in San Francisco, or i don't get into school in New York, i'm going to Portland.


i hate when Joe gets so mad at her he tells her to take us and leave. i will never forget it.

the long days

tuesday and today, wednesday, have been the most tiring days in the last month or 11. i haven't been able to sleep because i get home from work at 10:30 so im still hyper and i want to do things i didn't get to do all day, like maybe clean my room or fold laundry because my room looks like a Katrina victim. But i fall asleep at 1 and wake up at 7, late, get to school, late, then after school by 3:30 im at work and then i have absolutely no time for sleeping or browsing music blogs.

happy 6 month anniversary!! our house made of silly putty will be glorious and melty...

i fucking love you

im not a boy! some kid in my class said i looked like a boy because of my short hair, i was really sad so i bought some earrings. i have a huge scratch/burn on my knee from playing indoor soccer in p.e, i got excited, i fell. work was so long my feet hurt, im sore.


sleep, i can haz it?

the weird mood

i've been in a weird mood today, and most of last night when i couldn't sleep.
it didnt help that i listened to Devendra Banhart all day.

i had to walk home mostly alone until Nick picked me up. we went to his house, ate a brownie, and he took me home. i didn't feel like doing anything so i slept till 6. my eyes started bothering me in ceramics and i started to get pissed, i couldn't rub them because i had clay all over my hands. I stuck it out though. I finished the Daft Punk helmet though.
I can't believe i only have 18 days of high school left. I have to talk to my ceramics teacher about the new project we're starting because its supposed to be the first grade in our second semester, but i won't be there, so i have to figure out what to do. we're doing mosaics, I've been looking forward to this since last year. I really can't wait until the helmet is fired and i can bring it home and set it down on my shelf, look at it everyday, and be proud that this is my favorite thing i've ever made with my hands. I'm going to miss that class.

I thought i had work today, but i didn't.

I'm really tired of being myself, its days like these when i feel invisible and brushed off by everyone i talk to.

edit:/9:54
i just had an alarming conversation with my mom about insurance and turning 18 and growing up. i have sort of come to the conclusion that i just don't want to do that. i don't want to grow up and be alone in an apartment paying my own rent struggling to get by, because im fucking scared out of my mind to do so. i could stop here and now, i had a good run, but im too afraid to do that either. i don't want to do this alone. honestly, i've been putting off applying to dream school because im scared of going to New York by myself where i will constantly be intimidated by others whose passion for photography is better, stronger. i know this is normal to be scared. but why'd i have to start feeling like this less than a month away from when all of it starts?

and when i say "doing this alone" i don't mean in a relationship type sense, i don't need someone to love me for the rest of my life to get by. I mean someone to move in with me, show me how to pay bills and drag me and a hefty bad full of clothes to the laundromat.

the castro theater

i swear the place is so beautiful inside.
i went to the Sound Of Music Sing-A-Long with my little sister, mom, and her friend, and her friend's cousin Josh. He knew every line to it, i felt so under minded. He was really funny though, it was the best day this week. I can't wait for Grease!
The colors in this picture come out so bright, yeah i really took that, it looks like a painting. Not my talent i swear, the whole place is like a dream.

I stayed up till 3am last night looking at daft punk tattoos, forums, pictures, groups. After keith called i couldnt fall back asleep. I have however, decided that daft punk was the greatest event ive ever been to in my life, i hope they play Coachella next year, I will be going.

Some men dressed up for the Sing-A-Long, they wore hats. I wish men would wear fedoras again, they're so classy. My greatest weakness is a man in a black suit and hat, i realized this today.

the stomach ache

i feel nauseous.

im so sorry for the last week i was so mean to you for no reason, i love you and i need you more than anything.

" Because how I ever got to you, I have no idea
It's like some secret door, well, it just appeared
So, no matter what I do from now on with my time
You will always stay here in my mind
I am certain of this and I am not certain of anything"

the 9 hour work day

this friday is called "hell friday" for a reason.
i've been standing for the last 9 hours, serving people. although they weren't unusually rude, which is surprising. i got a lot of text messages, from David, Jesse, Anita, Candace. i guess everyone was in a texting mood today. i came home to a new Nylon and my course schedule for Skyline. I didn't get into the photography class, bummer. But i did get into painting 1 and english 100, my classes start at 11 so that means i will never be tired again!

but for now, i am exhausted.


edit://
i found my dad, he lives in Burlingame. His mom lives in Colfax, and i have her address.

the summer

do you remember the summer? life was much easier then. i didn't get mad at you, i didn't get mad at stupid things. i know things are different now, with you being away and everything, but i'm trying to make ends meet. its hard every time you go back, i miss you more and more each day. It'd be nice if we didn't have time limits, more modes of transportation, and less distance. But we don't, and its time for me to start dealing with that. Things i don't have and that are out of reach, i have to accept that. I'm really afraid of what will happen with us, who really knows? Sometimes loving someone is like jumping off a cliff blindfolded hoping there aren't rocks underneath the cold surface of the water. Who can really know?

Constantly throwing my heart out to you can wear me out, but will you still accept my tired heart when my toes hit the water? honestly, all i have to give you at this confusing point in my life, is love. even with your reassurance, i still feel like a chore.

the thanksgiving ruiner

this year it wasn't me.
my mom decided to throw a huge fit about everything even before anything started.
I called my Grandma to tell her how much i missed her and wanted to be there, and not here. I hate that my family is falling apart, and theres nothing i can do to save it. My parents hate each other, and i think its my mom's fault. She complains about everything, has a smart ass comment about everything, and argues about anything she can think of.

i'm calling Carrie this week, its just something i need to do, no matter how much it hurts my mom.

edit://

i guess it wasn't so bad. food was good, family was nice, drunk is nice.

the senior quote

im not getting a yearbook but this was my senior quote..

"one day we will die and our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea."

its a Neutral Milk Hotel song, i wish i could've included the whole verse, it wouldn't fit. it ends like this,

"but for now we are young let us lay in the sun and count every beautiful thing we can see."

fitting, i guess.

i voted Nick for worst driver, most likely to ask you for a dollar, most likely to make you pee your pants laughing & Tony for most likely to get voted off the island first.

school was short and stupid, i didn't laugh at all. Jesse wasn't there in class so i somehow got forced into talking with Tommy, who is a complete idiot and smelt like a shrub. He kept telling me how good he was at guitar and blah blah blah and i just kept saying, "I can't believe Jesse's not here."

I need a hug today, feeling like shit. I think its the holidays. Their always better with someone you love around, i've missed you this week.

the frozen insides

its cold as hell!

half day tomorrow, then a 4 day weekend, but not really because im working 2 of the days. 8 hours shifts suck so so hard.

the mother's mac

im currently using a mac computer at the house i babysit, its so beautiful i can't help but use it when i'm here. i love babysitting here because they have every technological advance from the last year. wii, ps3, apple tv, lcd screen microwave, etc. one day i hope my pictures will get me this life.
i got an A on my photo project in film class, my teacher shared it with everyone and i felt really embarrassed.
I took pictures of these little girls a month or so ago and their parents used the pictures on their christmas cards, i feel honored.

maybe this career is a good idea, maybe not.
i'm just scared of rejection of any kind, and i didn't realize it till now.
if i don't get into Parsons all my confidence about my pictures will dwindle into this shallow puddle.
______________________________
edit:8:53

i've changed my mind about today being just alright.

have you ever been so mad sad scared shocked that you needed to seriously take a break from thinking just to take a breath and stop yourself from having a heart attack? im not going to blow this off, this is a big fucking deal. i can't fucking believe it. i want to cry and its not because im sad, this anger has literally stopped my heart from beating normally.


_________________
edit:9:32

i wish i could stay mad at you.

the sleeping sister

i woke up around 11:30 and watched some television.
i hung out with Candace, went to Target and made some fudge we have yet to chill and eat.
I came home and played with my sister, braided her hair and read a few chapters in Lafcadio.
I put on Amelie around 8, she watched it without a sound for an hour before she fell asleep. I know she didn't understand it in French and she can't read subtitles so the fact that she stayed interested for a good hour says a whole lot.
That movie will change your life in so many ways it's ridiculous.

Some days i wish i was Amelie, i think i'd feel better about myself if i was.

Photograph:"you idiot, she's in love!"
Nino:"but i don't know her"
Photograph:"Yes you do."
Nino:"from where?"
Photograph:"In your dreams."

the boss

work was extremely bad, and i'll only be working there for a few more weeks now. i can't and won't put up with her shit anymore, fuck you.

i developed all of my random fish eye rolls, tons of pictures.

its cold.

the babysitting

today was an alright day at school, sort of weirdly eventful. learned a valuable lesson; don't mess with Jesse because he will punch you in the face out of nowhere, then run away to tell me about it. crazy!
after school i made 100 dollars doing this (see above). the kids are extremely easy and adorable so i actually love doing it. Plus their house is like that movie Smart House, except Peggy doesn't talk to you. Their microwave is an LCD screen, and they have Apple TV! After the kids went to sleep i watched Requiem For A Dream, I've been meaning to see it for a while, that movie is so fucked up and great. Then i watched Jesus Camp again, it always gets me going on a rampage against Evangelical crazies. I wont even start with you.

work tomorrow, more money makin'. i think i'll develop some more film.

the wierd sleep

i woke up this crazy this morning, i was so tired i couldn't even open my burning eyes, so i just stayed in bed. i'm heading on the path of becoming a semi-recluse, its sort of freaking me out, but i like it. it worked for Boo Radley didn't it?
i'm going to try and push through A Memory Keeper's Daughter another 50 pages, to see if changes from being one of the most boring too-many detailed books i've ever read.
I watched Almost Famous and everytime it makes me fall in love with Patrick Fugit and want to drop everything and go on tour with a band i would want to write about, like Neutral Milk Hotel. Too bad that'll never happen.

I'm really excited for these Germany plans because that's the closest i'll ever get to leaving everything behind.

I haven't been taking pictures lately, theres something wrong with that, or me.

the itch

"You said, "I'm done feeling like a skeleton
No more sleepwalking dead"
You're going to wake from this coma
You're going to crawl from this bed you have made
And stop counting on that camera
That hangs round your neck
Because it won't ever remember
What you choose to forget
As you try to find some source of light
Try to name one thing you like
You used to have such a longer list
And light, you never had to look for it
But now it's so easy to second guess everything you do
Until all you want is to finish this half empty glass
Before the ice melts away
This feeling always used to pass
But seems like it's every day
Seems like it's every night now"
-A Line Allows Progress, A Circle Does Not

the itch

today was just plain stupid.
i miss you, and i want you to come home and give me a hug right now.

the easy test

i aced the english placement test at Skyline after school, so now like i immediately intended to do, will take english 100 instead of remedial 836. My counselor said no one ever passes high enough on it, never say never. its sort of my thing, i guess.

next semester is about to be the greatest thing ever. i plan on getting a second job to save up for next summer so i can stay with Clara in Germany for a little while.
Here are my plans, so far, for the year of 2008.

January 3rd-15th(ish) Portland
Jan 24th SATs, Send in my application for Parson's
January 23rd-Mirah (with keith, we've been waiting months!)
Start my first and only semester at community college, wake up every tuesday and thursday to be at class at 8:10 taking photography 1 and english 100 (whoop) and be out by 12:30
Apply at Trader Joe's in Westlake (i hear good things, such as discounts, pay and benefits=amazing)
My 18th birthday May 28th
June 2nd, officially get my diploma, (a.k.a. walk across a stage and be handed a folder)
work my ass off until Mid June to Mid July- Germany/rest of europe by train. clara said its only 4 hours to Italy and 3 to France. awesome awesome awesome

2008 is about to be the best year of my new legal life.

the eye infection

IM SICK!

I really don't think this eye infection will ever go away. Almost twice a week it comes back and i have to use the eye drops. Don't freak out, it's not contagious, but i've been getting it for the last 8 months or so. It sucks, my eye lids get all puffy and red, my eyes look like little cherry tomatoes.
In other news, I have work today on my day off from school which is a total bummer.
Also, i'm planning a trip to Portland really soon to get away from all of this nonsense in the house. Its like non-stop screaming in here, i think all of us are feeling the tensions of living too close to one another for the last year. Plus, whenever something wrong goes in my life i tend to gravitate towards my grandparents, maybe it's an instinct. I'm trying to get a week off of work, im hoping for two but i really doubt it. It can't be until after the first of the year though, because i was strictly told that i could get NO HOLIDAY TIME OFF. Considering that another one of the girls quit last week, i'll be booked with hours. It's a good and bad thing. I have to be there a lot, but my checks are fat(phat).
I need to get a bank account real soon to start saving some money to spend there.
Portland is really beautiful when it's cold.

I, however, am not so beautiful when i have a cold.

i also forgot to mention that the only two people in new mexico that don't hate me called one right after the other last night, maybe they could sense i was feeling down. oddly enough, the dislike each other.

the winter

is it just me, or do the blue tones in winter make you feel more in love? we were soaking wet for hours, but as walked through the pouring rain for millions of city blocks the only thing that stayed considerably dry was our hands intertwined.

my parents were considering moving back to New Mexico as of last night. I can't go i won't go, i can never go back there. it'd also be really nice if everyone would stop trying to make me feel like more of an asshole, because it's working and all i want to do is forget about it. isn't it enough that i've dragged my name through the mud and all i have to blame is myself? get over it, get over me.

today i made this, because last night San Francisco rain ruined my favorite shoes.

the hate yourself change

-immediately giving credit to Neva Dinova for that title

Ended up going with Jesse to see American Gangster, i haven't been on the drug dealer's side since Blow. Great movie 4.5./5 the half a point is for all the cameos. T.I. and Common were both Frank's brothers in it.

im so tired and i have work pretty early tomorrow but i get to see keith afterwards so woop!

i've been feeling like an asshole lately

the ehh

Heim/Hvarf is great

listening to Sigur Ros reminds me of Sophomore year when i lied in bed and listened to them while i would think, or nap, or keep warm under my blankets in my cold room. i miss how simple that entire year was, from september 2005 to may 2006, was a great time in my life, the easiest. when i moved here my life got complicated.
lately i've realized how sorry i am for hurting you, you didn't deserve it. i will never hurt anyone like that again.

im sad and want to be left alone for a day just entire day alone, no texts no messages no phone calls no tv no computers. it's seeming impossible.

the best day this month

so, i know its only been about 7 days into the month of November but its been pretty bad so far, this day was really great though.

First off i'd like to start by congratulating myself on my ONE HUNDREDTH POST!!
it's been 100 posts of happiness and agony, bad moods and a bunch of stabs towards people i don't like. This blog is really documenting my life well. I go back to read my posts and remember things i haven't, and re-live the baby days of me and Keith.

School was really great, we got out early but all my classes were really fun. i'm being totally serious, my classes were fun. Besides the palestinian/jewish war going on at school, it was a great day. I went to skyline after to drop off my application and take the placement test but like an idiot i forgot my school id so now i have to do it tomorrow. Then i got home and everyone was a in a bad mood and fixing the window in my room so i decided to message jesse and ask him to come eat some popsicles with me, he lives down then up the street so no driving was involved. We met up talked about MESA (middle easter student association) club and how pissed they were at that kid Eddy. Then we hiked up in the woods and threw a bunch of garbage at each other. i can feel my bruises forming.

all around a great great great day.

the iffy bad day

school, bad/got my skyline forms signed, figured out my mid-year graduate dates. got in a Pen War with Jesse and lost at the account of a dry erase marker sneak attack coming from all unexpected directions.
work, alright/full of shocking news. Nick and Zach visited! spilled boiling water on my hand, didn't make any money for the store and read some of Memory Keeper's Daughter.
after work keith and i insulted each other on the phone for 40 minutes , just wait till this weekend jerk.

i'm dead tired, longest day ever.
tomorrow i will take my placement tests to get into English 100, because i ain't built for remedial english classes! Next semester will be so great, no more high school and my classes are only from 8 to 12:30 tuesday/thursday so i can go to work right after, whoop. this is only 1 step closer to Parsons, i'm determined to get in.

today Johnathan (not the one from Ecuador) told me i was coming out of my "shell," which i've noticed this year too. I have friends in every class and i talk. I'm less embarrassed to be myself around my classmates, i haven't had friends like this since middle school. If all of my high school years were this alright, maybe it wouldn't have been so bad for the first 3.

the whoops

somethings in life you can't take back, no matter how much it hurts someone else you can't go into the past and change it. i'm not trying to justify any of it, considering the circumstances we both did a lot of lying at the time, but it's hard for me to feel bad about something i did a year ago. It could possibly be the meanest thing i've ever done to someone else, and by trusting the wrong people it got around and now back to you. i honestly thought you'd never find out, but it happened and thats all i can say. I don't regret it for a second, if it never happened i wouldn't be here now with a door of opportunity open to me with other people. I knew we weren't meant to be together forever, and i guess he taught me that. He taught me that it's alright to fall out of love. The rest of our relationship after i left was a huge obligation, we both knew that. All i can say is that i'm sorry for hurting you, back then it was real to us, and only now is it real to you.

I'm just sort of glad i don't live there anymore, to deal with it directly because i'm coward and couldn't face you if i ever saw you again.

the reunion

saw keith today for the first time in 3 weeks, i missed him a lot. we saw Wristcutters, it was so so great. i'm tired, really.

Today i've realized how badly i don't want to get old and how i'm so afraid to die. I wonder if i'm in one of those "what does this all mean" stages. i don't know how i got here and i don't know whats going to happen. i need to take another trip to portland just to talk to my grandma, she's the only one who gets me out of these kind of situations. Everytime i'm in a bad stage i go to visit her and everything else seems right again. i feel so bad about myself, everything i've done, everything i am. i'm so afraid, i don't know what to do.

" When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"

at this moment, i've never felt so alone.

the funniest thing

I guess its not so funny as much as it is pathetic that people that despise me read this blog more than people who actually enjoy my company. Believe it or not, but i do have friends. Good luck with your life though, really. I hope you find something other than reading about my life to spend your time, we're only in this world for so long..

Work was absolutely terrible, it was Hello Kitty's birthday and it was a crazy madhouse in the store. I got yelled at by some lady for not giving her kid a sticker when i have 60 people in the store asking for balloons at the same time. It made me feel really terrible about the human race that you have to insult someone on how they do their job because you didn't get a sticker fast enough.

I got a ridiculously huge tv put in my room, it hurts my eyes.
My room is so disgusting, it's full of ridiculous nicknacks my dad's mom's been collecting for years, i can't wait to move out of here. I won't say grandma because last week she decided to tell me she doesn't consider me a grandaughter, since we're not REALLY related. i mean i know that, step nonsense doesn't really count, but she's known me for 6 years you'd think she'd consider me apart of her family.

(yeah i was watching Drank&Josh, it's the mustache episode!)bummer.

the aftermath

considering last night was Halloween and i somehow developed a cold in twenty minutes i decided to only go to three classes today, the ones i actually don't mind going to. Film, ehh class but i have a funny friend, Jesse, in it. Ceramics Advanced because it's my favorite class i've ever taken in high school, but today we got a new seating chart because the idiots at my table never do any work while i silently create everyday, now i have to sit in an uncomfortable spot next to a bunch of people i really truely hate. Especially when she decided to play some awful mix of Daft Punk at the "costume contest" yesterday during lunch. I thought in order to fulfill the "grunge kurt cobain for3v3r"persona, you had to hate your school and not be the person in charge of school spirit. Real punk rock, you asshole. I don't care how nice you are, if you're annoying and stupid as fuck i'll hate you. Then i went to drama because with Nick its always a laugh fest, we never do anything in that class, ever.

I came home, read a bunch of Middlesex and watched Mythbusters, took a nap. The best part about being a vegetarian is that i now have to make my own dinner which means i can eat it whenever i want, which almost always means i don't have to sit at the table with my parents as they scream at my siblings to sit down and eat. I plan on finishing Middlesex tonight, it took a giant twist i didn't see coming so now i want to see what happens in the end. I really could see it being a movie, just the way its written, but i know hollywood would take hold of it and squeeze it for all its worth to become another Virgin Suicides.