i actually took some pictures today, and rekindled my love with a camera. i took some digital, and some on my Diana + (actual name being, Meiling). I went to class, went to the social security office. our tax dollars pay for an echoer (word invention numero cuatro). This guy in a security uniform literally sat there and repeated the numbers called over the loud speaker, and it's not like he waited until no one got up, he echoed the announcements.
my mom and i got in a huge argument last night about college, i told her i was worried about having missed the deadlines, and she of course turned it into this huge thing about me being a pile of shit for the rest of my life. my parents and I have never sat down and looked at colleges and discussed what my plan was. My step dad gave up on me Freshman year after seeing my grades, so I don't blame him for never talking to me about it, or about anything besides new technologies. Really, we've never talked much about anything else. My mom doesn't know anything about colleges, because she didn't graduate and went straight to nail school afterwards. So when the process of applying and getting into colleges is drilled into your head by the school administration for the last four years, you seem to have a sense of what you're talking about. Anyways, I told her about how i was afraid i missed all the deadlines, and I'd have to take a year off. Of course she blows this huge pissy load all over my accidental plans. If you've been following my story, you'd know that I was given the wrong information about the admission deadline from my dream school's admissions operator. So i had to make new plans, and I'm afraid I waited to long, and might have to take a year off. My mom wants me to go to community college for that year instead, which i don't want to do because i don't want to get stuck there. The point is that she thinks i'm a failure because i might have to make plan adjustments. She wants me to go to cosmetology school instead, and when i told her i don't want to, she made it all about herself saying, "oh yeah because its such a HORRIBLE job." It's not horrible, i just don't want to do it, she thinks its great because she did it. The conversation carried on into today, when i told her i finally figured out what tattoo i want to get on my birthday. She thinks its a bad idea because i want it on my arm. She acts like its on my wrist, I want it on my inner arm. THEN the truth comes out. She said "you know, you don't know what kind of job you're going to have, is all I'm saying." what she's saying is that I'm going to have a shitty job that won't let me have tattoos. I called her out on it, and she defends it with the fact that my college plans have changed, and of course, taking a year off is going to make me work at a mall for the rest of my life, that makes total sense.
It seems like anything I do, can always be better. I don't know how she gets off saying I'm wrong, when she didn't even GRADUATE. Like today, when i told her I got an A- on my first college essay, the first thing she said was, "Well why wasn't it an A+?" Her tough love strategy doesn't work, it makes me feel like shit. She complains that I'm always negative about everything, which isn't exactly true, i was a few years ago, but since we haven't had a real conversation in the last few months, how the fuck would she know? She doesn't have the right to complain about my pessimism, when all day all i hear is her screaming at her fucking kids and moaning about how horrible living in this house is. She is the biggest downer in my life, and i can't wait to finally show her I'm not a huge piece of shit after I win that photography contest. And if i dont, well then maybe she's right.
i should start tagging my posts, maybe some one will read them.
this date of each month is no longer fun.
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