The Finale

I'm sorry, it's been long and nothing has changed. Only ideas amplified with research and data, researching the data. A friend of mine is planning on going to graduate school in Brooklyn next fall and hell or high water I think I'm going with her. We both have boyfriends who are making plans to attend, but with or without that's where I have to be. The prices for living aren't nearly as ridiculous as I thought, no worse than in California, that is definite. There is so much opportunity for anyone in that zoo, especially in my position now with 'management' experience and almost 3 years of steady sweat and bloodied kitchen work.

 I know going there will throw me to the sharks at the bottom of the deep oiled ocean, I will be nothing, yet again. But all of this 'managing' is exactly what everyone has ever said about being 'the' manager. Bullshit overflowith in my tea cup of life on a daily basis. I'm solidly convinced 90% of people on earth have a mental handicap/lack common sense entirely/are subconsciously evil.  But who really knows where I'll be next summer, this is only my best idea yet.

I'll be going back home in January for a week and I'm keeping it a secret from my younger proteges just to watch them pee themselves in public! I didn't say I was excused from being 'subconsciously evil.'

Work has bit the fucking big one and I hate it, I'm avoiding it now even in my own head. I'm letting things roll off of my back, trying to anyway. It is sometimes (most of the time) difficult to work with and also respect someone so demanding and completely irrational at the same time. He writes my paychecks and is pretty cool for the other 50% of the work day. You give and take, sometimes you've just got to take some shit for a little while to get ahead. 

The Confusion

I don't know where my head is at today. Some days I wake up and feel like my life is totally on track and I know where I'm going and what I'm doing here and other days I feel like strangling myself and saying 'WHY?! WHY ALBANY?!' This place is wearing me down, mostly because I'm stuck here until I figure out something better to do. I'm still going along with this plan to buy the middle-of-nowhere farmhouse with acreage, but I find myself second guessing what my life will be like in 5 years. I find myself second-guessing my settling into being old at 21 years.

      I don't want to stay out late, get all fucked up, and take all kinds of hallucinogens, this is not what I mean by 'something more.' The trouble is I don't know what I actually want to be doing. My career has consumed my life completely, which was the goal after graduating culinary school, but I wonder how long this will last? How long will I be able to put up with the complete bullshit, long hours, and migraine inducing customers?

      This is going to sound utterly insane but I only really feel totally comfortable when I'm alone at home with my cats. I've been through so many changes over the last 21 years I guess I never really stuck to "doing me," I've always had a boy in my life in some way, and when I wasn't with them I was at home hanging out by myself writing or doing some kind of art. This is the only place I write now, and there is no time to be doing art. Where will I keep it? Hang it? Will my roommates like it? Life is so different now but I feel the same as when I started writing here. My responsibilities are different but still the same pain in the ass. Will I ever be content? Will I ever be truly happy?

   I almost wish there was something wrong in my relationship with Connor to have something to complain about, a reason to take-off and 'do me' with my cats. It's so right that its at the wrong time. It sends me (cliche much?) to Blue Valentine, a move with Ryan Gosling and Michele Williams, you shouldn't watch it unless you feel like crying.

     "I feel like men are more romantic than women. When we get married we marry, like, one girl, ’cause we’re resistant the whole way until we meet one girl and we think I’d be an idiot if I didn’t marry this girl she’s so great. But it seems like girls get to a place where they just kinda pick the best option… ‘Oh he’s got a good job.’ I mean they spend their whole life looking for Prince Charming and then they marry the guy who’s got a good job and is gonna stick around."


      Why is it that I have everything I wanted a year ago and I am still searching for 'prince-charming' in life? I wish someone would slap me. Five years ago I was planning my fame lit fashion design career and now we're talking farm and babies. I've put my trust in the wrong people and taken such huge losses over the past 3 years that I don't even know which way to look up. Wanting both is the shittiest shit, I hate being a Gemini sometimes.

The point of this is that there has always been someone else in my life that has kept me from 'doing me' and I'm afraid I'll never get to experience this until I've realized its too late, I'm too old, and I have too many responsibilities paining in my ass. But why would I let go of something so right at the most confusing time?

The One Time

Okay so I know it's horrible to brag about your salary, but this is the one place where no fucks is given and it's been that place in my life since junior year in high school. My generation is so weird...

I'm not by any means swimming in money, I'm just comfy. I haven't been comfy with money at all, ever, since I started working and paying bills. I've always been behind and for the first time I am ahead, and it feels great. Working 7 days a week isn't so bad either, I've gotten used to it by now, plus I get every other Monday off too. And when I'm sick I still get paid the same amount, and I've also got this cool new thing I found out about at the vet called Care Credit its basically health insurance on a credit card up to a certain amount of course. Its awesome for poor people with pets because you can use it at the vet and for yourself, there is no interest unless you make a late payment.  I've also been able to get a regular credit card finally, since this September I've been paying my phone bill for a year and my student loan for 2 years. I'm trying to build up to buy an iMac. Connor was right, this whole credit thing is like a game, except when you fail, it sucks really bad.





I still have yet to even mention to my mom that I might be staying in New York, especially with news about my grandparents moving back to California. Why does everyone I love have to live in the most unreasonably priced (and awesome) place in this country? I would love nothing more to be near all of that delicious food and the chilly beach and common grounded nerds, but I'm afraid of leaving my 'comfy' space to go back to being below the poverty line and not able to do anything cool anyway. I'll have to buy a car, I'll have to buy insurance, I'll have to pay to even get over there and then hunt for a place that has an apartment with a kitchen in my price range. It seems utterly ridiculous to think I'll be buying a house in New York, because getting here was a mistake. If I hadn't met Connor I would've gone home a long time ago.

Someone asked me a few years ago what I liked to do and I had no answer, absolutely none. I was 18, only three years ago, but it feels like the whole world has spun a million years since then. Now I know what I value and found someone else who wants what I want, I want to live a life of sustainability. Doesn't that sound so epic? That should be my climactic one-liner at the epicenter of my book. But really, I want to work my land and take care of my house, garden organically, have chickens for eggs and only ONE damn rooster 'cause they are the scariest alpha males. We've been talking about fostering animals and animal rescuing (when I say 'we've' I must be talking about me with myself, I've only mentioned it twice out-loud). There will be cooking, TONS of cooking, re-arranging, wall-paper ripping parties. Friends, you are welcome.




There cannot be any more pure a form of 'comfyism' than living in the country.

The Wait

It's been too long, dear old blog, I almost forgot all about you. Since we came back from California my life has been a total mess. I got a promotion at the cafe to Kitchen Manager/Partner, I deal with a whole lot more bullshit but the menu, specials, details, are mine. All mine. I've never been in charge before so it's been pretty stressful. Rallying your troops (inefficient employees) to actually work is the hardest part, I feel like a broken record. I see every eye roll, every scoff, I don't even care anymore. I have had to work at being a persistent bitch to everyone and it sucks, but it's really whats best. If you aren't, shit doesn't get done, plain and simple. I have a boss too though, so while I'm sometimes shitting on other people there is other shit to be shat upon me, constantly. I guess I don't work so well under stress, but I have yet to feel like I can't do it. I have certainly felt like I don't want to do it, but everyone does sometimes. Oh and my kitty is pregnant with more kitties (I'm necessarily upset about this, but I am stressing hard.)

People are giving me a hard time again, I don't want to be around them. At all. Connor and I are considering buying his parents home in a scenic county at least an hour away from any bullshit in Albany. 75,000$ for a 4 bedroom farmhouse with 7 acres. Seven acres of complete solitude. Chickens, dogs, pigs, we could have it all. I'm torn between being miserably poor near my family in California or eternally happy in exactly what I want, 3,000 miles away from anything connected to me since birth. Why can't I just have them both? In life you make decisions, most of them suck.

The Best

One of the benefits of Albany being small is that you can always count on getting to know someone by asking the people around you what they know, and they're usually right. I always welcome first impressions, even if you don't feel like giving me one. If you can't project yourself according to who you are, then who the fuck are you? The guest should not forgo manners just because they are not the host, people are still judging you. How else can you judge someone who doesn't speak, except by their actions? When you assault someone in my home you are essentially ridding yourself of my respect by not being able to have the human decency to control your actions, drunk or sober, you are a disrespectful bitch.

WELL, now that this is all out of the way.

5 more days until California! It doesn't even feel real, having been here for two years non-stop also seems unreal to me at this point. I've kept in such close contact with my immediate family I feel like we've been anticipating this trip since I was 18. Things have changed in my 'adult' mind and I'm really looking forward to long talks with my mother, just us two. It's been a long time since I've been able to talk to someone who I feel like could love me no matter what I've done or what I'm about to say. My feelings towards my father have changed as well as towards my step-father.

Getting to know Connor has led me to so many conclusions about my own life and my past, for the better. We both grew up on the opposite sides of the discipline spectrum but in retrospect, our lives have so much in common. I won't go into detail, I'll spare you the sap story, but I really do feel like in my parents mind they felt like they were protecting me all those years while in actuality they were fueling my anger and resentment for punishing me for ridiculous things. I did feel, and still do feel like the black sheep of the family and I don't think this will change until people in my family start being honest with me and themselves. We never were the perfect family, we never will be because people make mistakes. All I want you to do is look in the mirror and discontinue the cycle, for my siblings sake.

I grew up hating myself and not feeling good enough because of the constant dramatized discipline, 1 minute late was 1 week locked in my house, a B+ could've been an A, but I just wasn't. The American dream is dead for those who were not born into the top one percent, we should stop shoving achievements up every child's ass and start teaching them common sense. Maybe we should pay less attention to being an 'A' and pay more attention to being what you are, that must make me a pretty content B+.

The Worst

Hands down the worst part about being an adult is being in debt. It seems like the way credit goes in this country, you have to first be in debt to make an name for yourself. Too bad I haven't even been given the chance to make the mistake, I don't have enough credit debt to be get more credit. Crazy. You'd think it'd be the opposite, I know I'd never want to lend money to someone who already has debt.

I have started borrowing money out of the iPod fund, (which got stolen a few months ago when we were moving along with the hand truck, I hate you Albany) which is now empty, and I borrowed money out of my California fund to buy drugs. Ahh, priorities. When I get back from vacation my first move is to pay back all of my debt. And the shitty part about all this is that if someone just gave me a chance I could've been borrowing money from some asshole in a suit who will sign me off in a year as an official "fee and interest customer," and then I will be able to buy the computer I've been trying to get for the last year.

I seem to be just taking the long route by picking up small bills every once in a while that count as credit. I pay my student loan, a cell phone plan in my name, and as of recently the internet at our new house. I guess the important thing is that I'm not fucking up my credit, which really tends to bite you in the ass later in life when people refuse to give you things or do things for you because of it. I could seriously damage my chances of getting an apartment in California because there are 1000000 people there who would make the payments on time.

Blah, the way things work is just so depressing. I'm glad I wasn't old and saw the world turn into this, I was just born here, I'm not responsible. I do believe however that it is the younger generation's responsibility to fix all of this up when all the old people can't tell us what to do anymore, because they'll all be dead.

The Chance

Here I am! A brief moment in time to reflect on this week's improvements.

I started a personal journal, and when I mean personal, I mean not on the internet. After going back to read posts from years ago and having most of my personal life on display in metaphors since the sixth grade (all the way back at Xanga, wow.), I've decided to keep some things to myself. There are just some things that need to be said and not heard by anyone else...if you're following me.

"We are like roses that have never bothered to bloom when we should have bloomed and it is as if the sun has become disgusted with waiting." -Charles Bukowski

I am beginning to become disgusted with every single person I come in contact with. I shouldn't say beginning, because I've hated people forever, clearly. Albany really is a huge shit hole, but I've been here for the last two years so I can't tell whether it's everywhere or just New York. The other morning I was walking to work and a crazy homeless man was literally hurling text books at me from across the street, on a main intersection! I've never been afraid of the homeless anywhere else, there are more crazies here than I've ever seen in one place. This morning in the store-front someone left a wrapper from a blunt and an empty liquor bottle from the night before, I wouldn't be surprised if they we're camping out front all night.

I have seen police officers arrest numerous people for the most insane reasons here. A homeless man who is randomly stopped and ID'd on Lark St. (bar central) asks for a reason why he's being detained and is arrested after he throws his hands in the air in frustration. Just the other day we watched a police car pull up to a bus stop and just start asking for identification from everybody, when we drove back 15 minutes later there were 3 minorities in hand-cuffs. New York is hands down the most racist state I have ever lived in.

I am getting so depressed, at a time in my life when I just started to see the world in a brighter hue. I need to stop reading the news. As much as I like to be informed, all they have to say is bad news. There is so much hatred, anger, and resentment in every person no wonder why we all suck. If we quit being assholes to each other, there would be nothing to resent, but unfortunately it's a vicious cycle. In the end you can only help yourself.

How can you expect to see change in your world when you're sitting on your ass complaining about your life? I fell into this hole for so long. Someone once wrote to me on this blog; "Don't let yourself fall back into old habits." And every time I feel my old feelings of wanting to crawl into my cave, I tell myself that little diddy. You come to realize that you do make your own happiness. Even when life hands you a pile of shit on your walk to work, you can chose to walk through it or walk around it and continue on with your day. I am not letting tiny or HUGE piles of dog shit interfere with my happiness. So far, it's been working out for me.

If you can't live with all of the negativity in the world, you best make a positivity bubble around yourself. (<---inventing words/objects again) No one is going to do your dishes, your laundry, or pay your fucking bills, you shouldn't waste your life sitting around waiting for someone else to come and fix it.

The Paper

I guess I'm back to reading the news. It's become a daily routine for me to check the headlines and poke about washingtonpost.com, it's the only online newspaper I read now. After reading this article on newly estimated U.S. war costs over the last decade, I came across this little gem about Obama harshing on republicans for not being "serious" about abolishing tax cuts for the rich, where I read this inciting statement..."cries of 'class warfare' from Republicans." This alone prompted me to have to say something to someone, something, anything.

For most of my conscious-opinion-making life George W. Bush was in office, I remember when he was wrongfully elected, TWICE. And although I have not taken the route of joining military service like some of my peers, I am not a total idiot on the subject of war, history, and politics. I have always kept up with the media, (only quitting the stuff briefly over the last year to take break from all the bad news) and talked openly with my family about our opinions, whether in agreement or disagreement.

Believe it or not, my father comes from a very white-collared republican family, who are immigrants from South America, but they once were apart of the rich minority so the last statement is irrelevant. We even have a few personally signed photographs of each Mr. Bush in thanks of support. My mother's side of the family couldn't be any more polar opposite, and this is the side I spent more time with. Even with all of these opinions flying around I was still able to form my own, which is the important part of this rambling nonsense.

Even the idea of Republicans crying "class war" makes me want to fucking puke. You know at least 85% of them came to the place in a private jet, the rest in motorcade. There is no class system in this country, there is rich and there is poor. The recession has cost almost all of my family members their homes, even my grandparents who are creeping into their mid-seventies, have been forced to hand over their two Oregon homes, their home business, and their dignity to the bank. Might I also mention that the house was going through foreclosure just as my grandmother was recovering from a year and half long battle with breast cancer. There will never be any rest for us in this world unless we are stinky fucking rich, and I have come to terms with the fact that this will never happen for me.

It's not that I didn't try hard enough in school or because I didn't attend a university (I couldn't have afforded it anyway, Connor's sister's student loan payments for a 4-year history degree from SUNY Albany has her hostage for 750$+ a month). I just didn't have the same opportunities that rich kids do, as far as attending private schools in a state where public schools scoot children along to keep the funding a flowin' (California), money was always an issue in my family. My mother would've packed on a third job just to get me through if it was honestly my ticket to investment banking, if it wasn't for a great teachers I did find in public education.

In the end I came out alright, I'm still making eight dollars an hour, but at the same time I don't feel like hanging myself from my necktie or jumping out of my office window, so things are good.

shit is happening in Greece right now, the entire country has come together in a group organized through Facebook. I don't care what pretentious assholes are saying, that is fucking awesome.

The First Trip

"Pool party," is the eight year old lingo I must use when my baby sister asks me what i did last night. "Pool party," can be translated into 21 year old lingo as, "crawling under the fence of a public pool to swim naked with a bunch of friends." It was worth the drunken after-show un-awkwardness to swim with a beer in hand to the dock in the center.

Summer is proving to be spectacular so far. We've made plans to go camping for the weekend, leaving friday night.

The Up Late

Tonight is one of only nights of the year that I will allow myself to stay up on the computer into ungodly hours of the morning, killing time essentially. Killing sleep time.

I've been all grumpy this week. The gay marriage debate is prominent in New York because it's being voted on, everyone is just watching and waiting for the suits to decide the fateful love of same-sex couples. I grew up in the Bay Area of California, it could quite possibly be one of the most open communities in the country. Not until I got older did I ever hear one of my relatives make a nasty remark about "the gays", and he's an ignorant white boy any who. My mother always had gay friends and I even had some friends come out to me in middle school. I'm too tired from being pissed off this week to fully divulge, but you get my drift. The audacity it must take for these so-called "pro-marriage" religious bigots to picket the capital is astounding, to deny a family's love because of your own opinions is rude, malicious, and insanely disrespectful. Sometimes I am even offended, their presence is surrounded in complete negativity and hatred, how could anyone agree with their statements unless they stem from something truly evil? I'd also like to hear ANYONE give me a reason against gay marriage that doesn't include the bible or religious beliefs.

The Catholic Church is threatening to shut down their adoption agencies just so they don't have to let same-sex married couples adopt, that has got to be the most unholy decision I've ever heard. But the bill proposes an exemption that would allow this kind of discrimination to be 100% legal, it blows my mind. Consider the fact that 27% of children grow up with two parents in the household, how could this possibly get any worse? You can't blame the destruction of family on homosexuals anymore, they aren't allowed to have families in 45 states, us "straight crusaders" have fucked it all up. I grew up with a parent with a head on their shoulders, and that is all that should matter. If they can prove that they will never massacre a pharmacy for hydrocodone, you should be allowed to be married and have children.

A poll at an elementary school in 2007 states 69% of black students, 28% of white students, and 36% of students overall lived without their father. I happen to be one of these students, an even though I'm statistically proven to be an unwed mother by my age, I'm not. Because I'm not a total fucking idiot.

Maybe what we should be focusing on is keeping the population from over breeding and using up the oil supply, then we'd all have a bright future. And I bet in 15 or 20 years when all of the old-time conservatives and old-time plain racists die off this world will be filled with happily married people who share the same genitalia.

The Exhausting Circle

I don't want to be at work today, nor yesterday, or the day before. I'm getting really sick of the run around of things. We have been so slow lately that everyone is under prepping and I'm running out of things left and right, it's annoying. Saturday is usually busy so there should be more prepped, and that person should have been me to do it, but I was too busy catching up from yesterday's lunch I had no time to prep for breakfast. I feel like I'm running a one-woman-show here, everyone is so fucking lazy.

Today is my one shitty day out of the week so I shouldn't be complaining. I am always complaining.

We've had three bands stay at our house this week, all foreigners, all has been well except a little inappropriate ass grabbing (sorry, I'm a prude, but I have respect for myself) and the Czechs not knowing how to use a fucking bathroom apparently. Paper towels do not flush, the toilet seat is for sitting, not for breaking. Luckily the cats aren't too mad at me for having too many guests, I've actually gotten my Milo back. He wouldnt even come near me when we lived with Connor's dad because Connor's dad is in love with Milo, and I think the feeling was mutual. He is back to his cuddly kissing self, Juni is the Nunester as always, just doin' her thing. I like commas today.

He's getting so big!

Now that we're basically settled into the house I am definitely more comfortable, I am enjoying dinner and movie nights with my friends :)

That being said, I am taking a much needed break from alcoholic beverages. I haven't been 21 for a month yet and I can't even tell you how many times I don't remember coming home, this needs to end! I am fucking my stomach up, I feel like shit at work, and bad things sometimes happen...

The Dead

All of this emptiness at work is giving me reason to write. It sucks that all of the assholes I don't miss while they're gone over the summer just happen to be our customer base, because we've been dead at work all summer. Lets just see what topic I can exploit today for my own amusement..

SLEEP

I haven't felt like I've gotten a good nights sleep since last week, and it's killing me. For a while I didn't get that early morning dread of having to pull my lazy dreaming face from the pillow, but it's back, the sound of my alarm is like nails on a chalkboard. I guess it's better than my mother's voice, I honestly believe it was part of the reason why I was so mean to her. Anyone who has to wake me up on a daily basis will subconsciously become my morning hate target.

Sleeping has always been a hassle with me. As a kid I would lie awake until 4 in the morning making pictures out of my ceiling, and as I got older I learned how to do things silently in the dark to not wake up my parents. I used to sit on the floor and sew with my machine with the tiny light and a book lamp during the summers. When I moved out of my parents house in California to Oregon when I was 18, I learned the magic of marijuana, and ever since then I've been able to sleep at night. It's costly, but for actually being able to fall asleep at night, it's worth it.

My sleep has always been prone to react to my surroundings, if I'm sleeping in a stressful environment I toss and turn and wake up in the middle of the night. Living at Lancaster I felt like I never slept, especially in winter. When we moved to Connor's dad's a few months ago, I don't think I've ever gotten better sleep than that. The good feeling has continued into the new house, but just this week I've been noticing a difference. I think I need a break from things, more like people.

My vacation couldn't possibly come any sooner.

The Drive North

After this weekend I'm not leaving my house for a month. I feel like I've been hungover since Saturday, it's now Monday morning and I can't wait to crawl back into bed. On Sunday I took a trip to Buffalo, NY to see a girl punk fest, it was alright. I got to see the band i went there for, i don't know if it was necessarily worth it, but now that I'm back from that terrifying drive home I guess it was worth it. We spent ten hours in the car yesterday, crammed into a van with 7 people. I don't even want to get into what a horrible time that was.

I'm getting really sick of things again, I want to revert back to my house and I am almost pissed off when there are people there I don't know. Not because I don't like them or whatever, I just don't feel like being social in my own house. I chose cool people to live with because they're the only ones I felt like would respect us and our belongings, as well as know when to fuck off when I'm in the dumps. I guess this is the Gemini in me, torn between two lifestyles. I love to go out but at the same time I am awkward and by the end of the night I wish I didn't go out. And plus, there is so much drama in Albany you can smell it in the air, this is one of the things i absolutely hate about this place. There is drama everywhere, but everyone is so miserable here I feel like they bring the drama on themselves most of the time. If you're gonna talk in public, everyone is going to know what you said, there is no such thing as privacy or secrecy anymore. I can't wait to have zero friends, honestly. I'm getting sick of the same old routine, I'm just sitting back and waiting for someone else to fuck me over.

I'd love to live in the country like connor's parents do. In the middle of butt fuck nowhere living the dream, raising intelligent children, farming, cooking, working and living together. They have the occasional neighborly visit but all they need is themselves and I strive to be that way someday sooner than later I hope. I still have things to do and see here, my good times being ridiculous are not over. But I have a feeling the smelly and I will be acting a fool forever.

The Drank

Literally, the only thing keeping me from puking right now is keeping my fingers moving and thinking of how shitty this blog post is going to be.

I went out last night for my girl Ashley's 24th birthday and decided to stay awake till 2 am taking shots of rum and chiefing some marijhuahua. I knew right then and there I had work at 7:30 am, but my drunk person is brave. I tried not to whine as much as possible, its my fault, but the power of being a manager is paying off all too well. I got someone to come in and work the ass end of my shift so really I'm just killing five hours on this couch because it's pouring rain and no one eats when it rains I guess. It is really easy to kill time on the internet.

Burping alcohol the next morning has got to be the worst feeling on the planet. Tequila doesn't sit well with me and I started the night out with a margarita of my own as well as Ashley's massive birthday drink which was a free kiddie pool of drink mix and double tapped tequila. Maybe I should stop talking about this, it's occupying my brain with the worst thoughts.

I'm supposed to be going with some friends to buffalo tomorrow to see an all girl punk fest, but at this point I am NOT looking forward to it. The thought of waking up on my own and spending a rainy day inside is looking exponentially better than sitting in a van with 7 people for 10 hours. Although I do want to see the bands, I'm a hermit. Sunday is my only day off during the week too, god, what am I thinking. If Connor wasn't playing I would DEFINITELY say 'fuck it' lets watch horror movies in bed, but Anal Warhead must go on.

Eating toast and napping as soon as the counter girl gets in...

The Wave

My Juni and I have been feeling the same way about the heat lately. The cats sleep in the window sills while the rest of us sweat our asses off. This heat wave is crushing, especially when you work in a kitchen with no air flowing. It was almost 100 degrees yesterday!

The Monotony

Holy shit! I have readers. I mean, at least one, which is cool. :]

only 50 something days left until the California trip, i can't wait. I'll be making stops at all of my favorite food places, Japan Town, the wharf, the sourdough! I will eat mexican food every day. More importantly I can't wait to see my family. My sister has been calling me every day since she learned how to use the phone, I'm excited to be there for her 8th birthday. I can't believe she's fucking eight years old. I remember holding her in the nursery, hearing her first cry, and cuddling in the early morning in our parents bed waiting for the arrival of my quickly descending baby brother. Even though we're 13 years apart we are really close, even with all of this distance over the past 2 years. She is my little weirdo, my oli, my only sister.

I wish my parents could see New York and see where I've been all this time. I almost don't want them to come to my current neighborhood, it's not dangerous is just disgusting. I live right on the outskirts of the college ghetto, in the infamous city where in celebration of "Kegs and Eggs" (the made up college holiday before st. patricks to wake up at the crack of dawn and start pounding keystones) the students flipped cars, damaged property, and lost all respect for themselves. This worked in favor for all the people who had to clean up their mess, they had all of theirmade-up celebrations cancelled for the rest of the year. I like my location because it's close to my work and a walking distance from all of the places we hang out, but the students here are disrespectful, dangerous, and complete idiots. A lot of them are rich trust fund kids from all around the state. I've seen more garbage and violence/drunk ass fights in this area already than the entire time i lived next to the projects in my shitty house. I can't wait to leave Albany and go some place where people have ideas and creativity, but for now it's home. The summer has started and most of them have left, but they always come back.

I forgot to mention mine and connor's one year anniversary! It was a blast, we went out to an insanely expensive restaurant and we drank a lot of wine. I love you Mr. Hogan!

EDIT FOR RANTING://

So now that I'm the front house manager of the cafe, I thought it'd be awesome. And sometimes it's definitely rewarding, I'm at the top of the totem pole, but some days I like to strangle my phone and pretend its the employee on the other end. The summer brings slow business for us surviving in the college ghetto, there aren't that many hours to go around, and splitting it between 5 people is even harder. Everyone wants more hours, yet I have one girl who doesn't show up for two days and bitches about not enough hours.

The Follow Up

My 21st birthday came and went throughout memorial day weekend, as it always does. I didn't get wild and crazy, man, in fact I took it fairly easy. The joy of being old enough to drink where everyone else does decreases the likelihood that I would want to lose my mind on fruity carbonated alcoholic beverages, I would much rather enjoy feeding the jukebox (which is now touchscreen, you're fucked johnny rocket) to play "don't stop till you get enough" sipping on a delicious hard cider or blueberry wheat ale.

The move into the new place went easier than I thought, despite the fact that it was blazing hot for the 4 days I had to unpack. I'm not done. I'm lovin' the house, I love living with my friends, it makes my life 50% easier to know when I come home I can actually relax without getting pissed off at my shitty living situation. Work has been slow, the college students left the area for the summer so we've been closing early, but this means more time off for activities! Like New York City trips (35$ train ticket to huge angry wonderland), new tattoos, and park time.

We bought our tickets to california which means it's official! Next month I'll be on the beach again! And maybe I can get away from these allergies for a little while.

The Vacation

I will be taking a very much needed vacation back home to San Francisco with Connor at the end of July. By the time I'm done moving in the house and working all summer, I'm going to enjoy the shit out of myself and not waste a day. We started the transition into the new house last Thursday, the place was left disgusting so we've been scrubbing and painting all week. I chose a nice and neutral..turquoise..oh well. My room is small, but I won't be in it 80% of the time, I'll actually get to enjoy the living space with friends.

I took a mini trip with Connor to New Haven, Connecticut on Saturday and it was awesome! We went to Ikea and ate a lot of good food. Yale university just happened to be graduating that day, I've never seen so many yuppies in my life! We also visited the Rare Book Library and walked around campus for a couple hours. I got some awesome pictures too!

I also became 'manager' of the cafe, which is my first ever title above 'fun-ployee'. I'm movin' on up in the world!

Moving is stressing me out. I can't figure out how to please everyone, but then i guess you never can..I'm just counting down the days till i get to see my family. I wonder if it'll be weird, they haven't met the "new" me. I'm a different person in many ways than when I was 18, and I haven't lived home since then. I haven't seen any of them in two years, and i get to see my ENTIRE family. I can't wait for them to meet Connor too, he will win them over with his boyish charm.

The Forget or Forgive

Let me start off by saying forgive me for not posting, and don't forget about me.

Things have come around! I moved out of my shitty house earlier than expected and was graciously offered a place to stay at Connor's dad's house with him until June when we move into our new house. We moved out almost a month ago and it's been smooth sailing ever since. I haven't gotten worked up, no depression, no anxiety, no runny noses from mold in the walls. Connor's dad, Brian, couldn't be easier to live with, his sister, Keely, lives there too. She recently let me snag some of her old clothes and came out with a drawer full of awesome things! I love their family so much, we had Easter brunch with Grandma & Grandpa Hogan at their house with some of the whole family. They are so easy going and hilarious! I actually look forward to family events with the Hogans.

In other exciting news, I love my new job! I've become the pastry chef and I'm about to be the front end manager as well. All of my co-workers are awesome, my boss is awesome, the food is great, the hours are perfect, the pay is not great but worth it for all the other perks. And to go along with this awesome job, we just got a house on the same block! A four bedroom to split between Connor and I, another couple Ashley and Chris, and the lone shark, Dan! I love all of them, they are such chill, genuine people and I can't wait to have more good times with them.

Of course for every bit of good news, there is bad news.

The stalker problem finally rose to the surface and I had to handle it. I was in the mindset that night to not let stupid Albany people bother me anymore until the overzealous cunt wouldn't get out of my face all night. Even after i fully engulfed her face in my punch and she fell backwards into a crowd of people, she still wouldn't leave me alone. This turned into an embarrassing screaming match in front of a lot of drunk people who have more than likely forgotten, but I haven't. And the next time I see that skinny bitch I'll be on the offense.

The stupid asshole problem has yet to be resolved, it's been close to a year since all of this started. Going as far as Oregon to sleep with one of my best friends was a sad, expensive, and sorry attempt at payback. Her flirting was a nice way of saying, "I'm too mean to say you're disgusting and/or no thanks." I wonder if he'll fall off the face of the earth any time soon? If it wasn't for Connor, I'd really start to believe that every man on the face of this earth is a filthy, lying, thieving pig.

In the end my biggest problem is forgetting. And it's not that I don't remember, I remember all too well. I can't forget about the way the story really goes, and all the people who've turned their backs to me after I was victimized. I also can't forget about all the mean things that were said, a time when Connor was blacklisted from Albany. Its such a shame how much one person's loud flapping well of a mouth can snowball into the biggest lie that has ever been told about me. I won't forget and I never forgive, because when you do, they turn back into the devil on horseback.

I keep wishing on those karma stars, but when I really think about you and how miserable you are behind all of the medication, the drugs, the talk, I can only see a boy hunched over in a chair shaking with nervousness who covers his mouth when he's uncomfortable.

The Drowning

I can't wait to move out of my fucking house.

I moved into a house with 4 people I didn't know and that was the worst idea, ever. I just went to the first place I could afford to get out of a hellish relationship. Theres been talk of us not getting back the 1000$ security deposit for some bullshit reason, and before I pay rent on March 1st I want to know for sure. If we aren't getting it back I'm moving out before then and living with Connor and his Dad until June when we can get a place with our friends Ashley and Chris.

I'm tired of being dicked around by some asshole holding the books, making me pay out the ass for the worst house I've ever lived in. Despite my shitty roommates existing I have to exist around all of their shit, literally, dog shit, human shit, cat shit. I shouldn't have to see this much shit in one day.

I can't wait to wake up in the morning to a quiet house around people who aren't going to ask me for outrageous favors, chain smoke with the windows closed, or scream at each other till three in the morning about ex boyfriends. Things will be at peace and harmony, I'll be able to think, breathe, live, again.

I fucking hate my shitty house.

The Followers/VDAY

New Years Eve pictures finally surfaced..yikes.

This is the first time I haven't been able to sleep in months. I usually pass out and sleep like a rock through the entire night, but I napped too late. Connor took the nap to a whole other level and has called it a night. Funny how our sleep changes when we are where we are.

I can't believe I actually have followers on this thing. I've been writing my angsty shit in here for years and it's finally picking up some steam. I'm not really sure anyone trying to get to know me should read this electronically filed garbage dump of a blog. I do have happy days too, ya know.

Valentines Day was amazing, the best. Connor took me out for sushi at our favorite sushi place and then to play pool! Which doesn't sound very romantic, but it holds sentimental value in our relationship, and it was fun. He bought me FLOWERS my favorite color, which I'm sure you didn't know was yellow. He went out and bought himself something nice to wear, but he didn't need much guidance, he's a man who cares about his appearance (sorta) and I love it. We looked real nice and I wore a really loud dress in his favorite color which is yellow. He bought me chocolate and a giant stuffed heart and a giant stuffed cupcake...he really knows my taste. We came home afterwards, watched a marathon of intervention and drank some wine. It couldn't have been a better Valentines Day, and it must've been good because I can't remember any other time I enjoyed celebrating the 'holiday.'

At least once a week one of us always has to take a second to come back to reality and remember all the shit we went through just to be together now and it really is one of the craziest/worst/best year of my life. It was all worth it though, I can't imagine the position I'd be in now if I never went for the prize. It's really a shame that Connor's name has been dragged through the dirt the most in the end of this, because he really is the most caring, gentle, generous, and compassionate bear I've ever known. Things are looking up though, people seem to be coming to their senses (a little). It's been about a year now since the drama llama walked into my life, but I said goodbye over a month ago.

In other spectacular news, I finally found a new job. I was hired by a cafe in the area that hasn't opened yet. I mean REALLY in my area, it's only a 10 minute bike ride into the college ghetto. We had an orientation last week where we got to meet all of the opening staff, we talked about the general idea and concept of what we wanted it to be like and I couldn't be happier. The owner is really innovative and we've got some really nice hippies making farm food, I'm excited. I'm not sure when the opening date is, but definitely before March!

The Completion

I did! I made the fricken blog. visit it @ wordpress.com A Short Order

I still havent had any luck finding a job here, and to tell you the truth I feel like giving up. How can anyone get to know me in a 5 minute conversation?

I've been doing a lot of crocheting since being home a lot. I made some head bands I think hippies will go for so maybe I'll try to sell them on etsy for food money.

check me out I'm blonde now.

Life can be so unrewarding, so unfullfilling, sometimes.

The Thoughts

I'm thinking about starting a new blog, something less personal and with more food. I'll still write my complains and worries here, so don't worry about any lack of melodrama in your life.

I kind of want it to be based on what I'm eating/cooking. I can post when I eat out, when I cook at home, or come across a good recipe or cooking tip. Food sort of consumes my daily thoughts, and I've been doing a lot of home cooking lately because of the poverty in my life at the very moment. I've also been cooking for my roommates at night, (and getting paid for it) so I have more guinea pigs. Blogging from my iPhone is the easiest thing ever, it feels weird using my computer now. The only question is...what do I call it? It has to be witty, maybe a little cute, and of course foody.

The Flip

I could go on forever about how I hate everyone in Albany, but mostly, almost entirely it's just Josh that I hate. The thought of him now makes my stomach turn, especially after Saturday night. Connor and I weren't on the "guestlist" to the show so we were denied entry by the devil himself. I don't know who the fuck he thinks he is, but i think he is the devil.

The Extravaganza

My boyfriend is sleeping to ignore me being pissed off again, who can blame him?

I was deathly ill for the last week with the worst gastrointestinal virus I've ever had in my life. Felt like my insides were eating each other. After all this time off from the holidays the last thing i needed was to be sick. Now I'm 200 dollars behind on the rent, with 60 bucks in my pocket and my phone bill is due in a week. I'm royally fucked. And they stopped giving me hours at work, so now I'm really fucked. Isn't there some place I can call and complain about having shitty owners/managers? There should be. Theres a place you can call when you are fired from your job to be supported by the government, but what about those people who have been working and are still working but their job is too cheap to give them enough hours to pay their rent?

I'm fucking sick and tired of everyone treating everyone like shit. Maybe I just have to face the facts that all humans are born evil, maybe the Christians are right. Or maybe we just have to make a different approach as parents and teach our children that it is not okay to blatantly ignore a customer because you've had a bad day, or how to speak to other people respectfully. Its the kids everyones trying to protect but its the adults that I'm worried about.