the 505

(Im glad i cooled down a few minutes before i wrote this because i was about to go on a rampage about how much i hate everything about living in the same house with toddlers and seniles.)

Maybe moving here wasn't such a good idea, i've met some great people and everything, but if i just would've stayed i wonder how much different my life would've turned out. Before the summer of Junior year, i wish they would've never messed up my schedule so i wouldn't have gotten mad and made this impulsive decision. I missed Jake a lot today, just us hanging out watching cartoons and fucking around in his room while he played the drums. Its been a while since i felt comfortable in one place, and thats the last time i remember feeling like myself. I don't feel like i've grown, i feel like i've stayed the same person, regression, moving here has stuck me in a lull of growing.

I miss sitting in my green room on my big bed or at my stupid computer desk i put together the same night that i realized how great Mates Of State were. Or seeing hot air balloons every morning. I miss my dog we had to give away, the one that i loved, he was mine, sleeping in my room with his head on my lap while i sent a million text messages to Jake about how i refused to get him n00ds of my cousin. I miss the unusual snow, and the way my garage door got stuck when it was too cold. Or eating green chili on anything, absolutely anything. Or attempting to make cupcakes in my orange/baby blue fiesta kitchen. Or that one day my dad tried to kill Jake, and the whole rest of the days when we talked about it. Or playing with goldie and getting driven home on that dark unpaved Corrales road.

I miss living in the middle of nowhere with no where to go or any places to be. (except maybe stealing a cake from cold stone)

"I told you I would return
When the robin makes his nest
But I ain't never coming back
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry"

Today, crying, was the only thing i was okay with.