the weird mood

i've been in a weird mood today, and most of last night when i couldn't sleep.
it didnt help that i listened to Devendra Banhart all day.

i had to walk home mostly alone until Nick picked me up. we went to his house, ate a brownie, and he took me home. i didn't feel like doing anything so i slept till 6. my eyes started bothering me in ceramics and i started to get pissed, i couldn't rub them because i had clay all over my hands. I stuck it out though. I finished the Daft Punk helmet though.
I can't believe i only have 18 days of high school left. I have to talk to my ceramics teacher about the new project we're starting because its supposed to be the first grade in our second semester, but i won't be there, so i have to figure out what to do. we're doing mosaics, I've been looking forward to this since last year. I really can't wait until the helmet is fired and i can bring it home and set it down on my shelf, look at it everyday, and be proud that this is my favorite thing i've ever made with my hands. I'm going to miss that class.

I thought i had work today, but i didn't.

I'm really tired of being myself, its days like these when i feel invisible and brushed off by everyone i talk to.

edit:/9:54
i just had an alarming conversation with my mom about insurance and turning 18 and growing up. i have sort of come to the conclusion that i just don't want to do that. i don't want to grow up and be alone in an apartment paying my own rent struggling to get by, because im fucking scared out of my mind to do so. i could stop here and now, i had a good run, but im too afraid to do that either. i don't want to do this alone. honestly, i've been putting off applying to dream school because im scared of going to New York by myself where i will constantly be intimidated by others whose passion for photography is better, stronger. i know this is normal to be scared. but why'd i have to start feeling like this less than a month away from when all of it starts?

and when i say "doing this alone" i don't mean in a relationship type sense, i don't need someone to love me for the rest of my life to get by. I mean someone to move in with me, show me how to pay bills and drag me and a hefty bad full of clothes to the laundromat.