the rain

i feel like i spent all day in the rain. Candace and i have been soaked since 3.

I've been pissed off and on edge since i had that anxiety attack on Tuesday morning. It might've altered my brain a little.

I have noticed a lot of things between my mom and I recently. I can honestly tell you that i can't remember the last time she touched me. I feel like i haven't hugged her in years. Even when i was 15 I'd ask her to come and lay with me in my bed before i fell asleep just to laugh and have my mom to cuddle with, every once in a while she'd oblige. Ever since she had my sister, it's been weird, and after my brother was born it was even worse. Its like the more kids she had after me, the more we grew apart. I miss it when it was just us two, from what i remember.
I remember it most when I'd have a fever. The thermometer under my tongue, curled up in her blankets, watching cartoons all day.
My pseudo-grandma came up to me the other day while i was eating in the kitchen next to my mom and my brother and she put her hand on my head and played with my hair, admiring how long my hair had gotten since before she'd left, and my mom looked jealous. I'm sure if she'd try to touch me now I'd tell her to fuck off.


Some days I wish i'd never lived past 9.

"You said, "I'm done feeling like a skeleton,
No more sleepwalking dead,"
You're going to wake from this coma,
You're going to crawl from this bed you have made,
And stop counting on that camera,
That hangs round your neck,
Because it won't ever remember,
What you choose to forget,
As you try to find some source of light,
Try to name one thing you like,
You used to have such a longer list,
And light, you never had to look for it,
But now it's so easy to second guess everything you do,
Until all you want is to finish this half empty glass,
Before the ice melts away,
This feeling always used to pass,
But seems like it's every day ,
Seems like it's every night now."-A Line Allows Progress, A Circle Does Not
^one of my favorite Bright Eyes songs, i always come back to this exact emotion. i guess the title is right.