the civility

there is some hostile feelings between my family members here today, its a long story thats been going on a for a while now. after last night's phone call to a missing piece of me, and talking to keith, we both realized how important family really is. i hate to see my uncles not getting along, i wish we could all just sit in the same room together again like when i was a kid.
but lately, more than ever, i realize things are a lot different from when i was i kid.

i talked to Carrie last night, i cried a little, but kept my firm angry stance. I asked why it took her so long to call, and why her son never did. She kept refering to him as my "dad," i had to stop and correct her, he is not my dad, as far as i'm concerned we aren't even the slightest bit related. your blood may flow through mine, but i am not yours to throw away and 15 years later be picked out of the trash and expected to be okay with it.

she wants a relationship but at this point, its too late. No effort was made to find me until i was 16 years old. How do you expect me to forgive and forget all the years my mom and i lived paycheck to paycheck, above a locksmith, in and out of my grandma's house, and fatherless. I have such fucked up issues within myself, a huge insecurity that everyone i love will leave, and because of that i'm extremely needy.

I have never once used the excuse of half of my biological family out of the picture, to cover up for my mistakes, or things i've done to other people. And anyone who uses their childhood as an excuse for anything you've personally done or caused wrong, is pathetic and can't take the heat of their own consequences.

I didn't have a horrible childhood, i was always surrounded by people i loved and people who loved me. yeah, my mom had boyfriends that came and went, but no matter what, I always came first. I remember when i first learned to tie my shoes. I would watch my uncle Shaun do it, and i'd practice just by sight, until i finally got it. Thats how i've learned almost everything i know. I was led by example from everyone in my family, and today, i'm a little bit of each and every one of them.
I look like my grandma and my mom, they both taught me how to be creative.
My uncle Tommy taught me how to ride a Jetski, and what its like to fear anything that chases after you. Damn your godzilla slippers!
My uncle Shaun taught me about music, and having your own mind, making your own path.
My grandma taught me how to run and install programs on a computer, we started building them when i was 5. he also taught me how to procrastinate and be late for everything you must be on time for.


as much as i needed that phone call, i need my family more.