the aspirations

After watching Junebug, it made me want to make a list of my priorities/goals/wants/needs. I don't know why, but i just felt like i needed to make a list of things i want to attain.
Maybe its the fact that Ashley was having her baby so young and I identified more with Madeline. As a kid, i dreamed of having a family of my own to care for. Children, a husband, a dog, a house. Even up until Junior year that is what i wanted. I don't know what clicked inside of me, but it did. I had the choice to set aside all of my goals and stay there in New Mexico, get married at 19, raise children, ignore my aspirations. Essentially, thats the choice i was given. I'm not complaining, i was in no way forced or pushed into staying there.
I left for me, because i knew that there were bigger things i could do, and they weren't going to happen for me in New Mexico. I've struggled with the fact that i left, all the things i lost and left behind. I'm finally coming to this point though, (and i don't forgive myself because there is no forgiveness to be given), i have no one to apologize to.

I am who i am because if what i will do, not who i have been. You can't change the past, but you can change the future.

Here is my list in no specific order,(which has been slightly altered due to that fact that my college plans have gone haywire, and have to be organized a little).
1. Go to Peru/South America with pseudo grandparents this summer
2. Move out from my parents by the end of this year, (preferably by next fall semester).
3. Give Carrie and Shelby a chance, (i can forgive but i won't forget.)
4. Spend a month in Europe, (who knows when this will ever happen, but i can dream.)
5. Get my driver's license.
6. Get my first tattoo, (hopefully the day i turn 18), of this picture above. It's a drawing by Jeff Mangum, singer of Neutral Milk Hotel who made one of my all time favorite songs/albums, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea. The picture has always reminded me of my brother and sister, so i'll always have them with me wherever luck takes me. I feel almost bad that I'm not getting a Bright Eyes tattoo first, seeing as he's written a song for every emotion I've ever felt, but i think this is more important. (Seeing as that is true, and there wont be any pictures for a while, I think I'll post a Bright Eyes lyric every day for how i felt.)
7. Stop being so insecure and paranoid, (i don't know when this will ever end.) Also, stop feeling like i'm not good enough. I'm not perfect, but i've never killed anyone. I didn't get any scholarships, but i graduated. I'm pretty alright.
8. Try to accept the fact that everyone i fall in love with isn't trying to hurt me. I constantly feel like i have to watch my own back when i comes to love. Most likely because i know how easy it is to hurt someone, because I've done it, and i know how easy it is for someone to hurt me. (If anyone I've ever loved reads this blog, I'm sorry for the things i did to you both, whether it was horribly disloyal or incredibly juvenile and ridiculous, I'm sorry. But it doesn't mean i never loved you.)
9. Stop laughing when I'm angry to hide the fact that i'm really mad. Also, stop being so sarcastic during important conversations, it doesn't help the situation, and i know this because my mom does it and it annoys me.
10. Answer my phone.
11. Learn French, and brush up my Spanish skills, (mire el numero uno! porque lo necesitare!) I think spending a month in a Spanish speaking country will help, too. I only hope that SOMEONE speaks English besides my pseudo-grandparents, i can't only talk to them for a month.
12. memento mori!
13. Go to India
14. Tell you i love you more, because i mean it.

and here is one for you.
15. hold my hands, tie my arms around you, anything just to keep you closer. i love you more than you know. Even when you are hard on yourself, i know how amazing you are. I'm just afraid someone else might find out, too.


listing makes me feel better, it might make you feel it too.

Sometimes i think this is how everyone else might feel about me.
"Never trust a heart thats so bent it can't break."