The Questionable Information

Let me start by saying that it blows my mind how fucking shitty people can be. I don't give a fuck if it is you, her, or him at fault. One or more of you is a piece of shit. I'm afraid I'll never know the truth, i don't know who to believe I don't know which one of you to trust. Someday I'll learn when its the right time to be vulnerable, and when it's the right time to trust someone. Something tells me that there is never a right time to do either of those things.

The Displaced Day

I have felt so displaced from society today, here's a run through of
what went down.

-went to work at 7am
-got sick at 7:30am
-went home at 10:30am
-lied in bed from 11am until now 2:16am watching Weeds season 2 and
eating tortilla chips. I don't plan on moving anytime soon

The First Christmas

This year is my first Christmas away from my parents and siblings, needless to say it was sad. I had a panic attack all through dinner, it wasn't exactly my idea of "happy holidays." I miss my brother and sister so much it hurts, not being able to be there for them grow makes me sick to my stomach every time I think about it. I would give almost everything up to just go back home even for just a few days. Usually when I'm feeling down about missing home Josh is always there to keep me from crying, instead he is with his family and I should be happy for him.

I colored my hair back to brown, extensions are back in, I feel like myself again.

The Break

I dropped Josh and his roommate off at the airport for their flights back home to New York for the holidays. It's going to be weird with 8 whole days without him, he's really the only person I hang out with. I guess it'll give me a break to re-evaluate my life, celebrate Christmas, and blah blah. Sleeping has been difficult at my house, I don't expect it to be any easier now especially with Nyx and Gemma both in my tiny room until Josh gets back.

When it rains, it pours.

The Snow

The snow is blowing my mind. Last night I drove at around midnight to
meet up with Josh and I had to drive in this. I've been living in snow
all week, and he still hasn't shown me how to make a proper snow-person.
I'm pissed!

The Two Babies

The New Love

I got a kitten! Now this will not change my love for Nyx in any way shape or form, i just want to make that clear.

Her name is Gemma and she has 6 toes on each of her front paws.

The Lack of Interest

I stopped taking pictures, I stopped drawing, I stopped painting, I stopped caring. Most of the time I'm alone I spend it killing time until I have something scheduled to do, like work or more driving. I spend more time in my car during the week than I do sleeping, I hate it. And no matter how long I sleep I always feel like it's never enough. Something in my life is missing, I don't know what it is. All I know is that I have lost interest in everything I ever cared about, all I want is to be numb and not feel so much of this.

I've been here in Portland almost 4 months now, but I want to move on. I want to see other parts of the world, but unfortunately I have too much shit to do, too many responsibilities and not enough cash. I plan on fiercely kicking rocks out of this place after Baking school is over in July of next year. To where? Some place I've never been, some place i want to be. Boston? New York? Wisconsin? Atlanta? Canada?

The Wild I Will Never See

I watched Into the Wild again for the third time. No matter how many times I watch it I walk away feeling alone and afraid to be on my own. Although I'm living with my grandparents I live almost completely independently. I'm never home, I'm usually at work or at Josh's house, so I feel like I'm just wandering around until I feel sick enough to go back to my room and think too much about the things I'm afraid of. I will never be brave enough to burn all my money and leave everyone behind, just to find myself and my place in this life. There are a lot of things I do not know and a lot of things I will never know or understand, and one of them is complete happiness. I can't remember a time in my life thus far when I have been completely happy or even content with my current situation. There has always been something to worry about, something to be angry about, or something to cry about. At the rate I'm going at I don't know if I'll ever know what happiness feels like for more than a few hours.

Tonight is the first night I've been home since last Sunday night, i can't ever sleep here.

The New Tattoo part 3/Love for Henry Rollins

The Pamphlet

Really, don't leave me alone in a car for thirty minutes with this kind
of liter(ature) and a marker.

The Concentration

This morning I woke up at 12, drove Josh to work, went to work myself, got off at 7:00 and then came home. I'm trying to concentrate on getting my shit together. I do this about every 2 weeks just to put myself back together after days of not caring. I usually come home and dump all my crap on the floor, or go to Josh's and leave all my crap on his floor, and so today after work I decided to clean my room and reorganize my movies that I bought today. Thanks Hollywood Video for the awesome $3.99 sale!

I have to go pick Josh up from work later tonight around midnight, I hope I can stay awake. Usually when I'm too tired to pick him up I just turn up my music really loud in my car so I will be forced to stay awake. I have never felt so tired that I felt like falling asleep at the wheel, fuck that. Since tomorrow we both have the day off we're going to see Milk FINALLY!

I bought an Outbreak shirt just now for $6.00 because I feel the constant need to spend money.

Thanksgiving blew. Josh and Tim came over and made me feel less awkward around my family. We can't all get together anymore because of retarded drama, so I didn't get to spend what used to be my favorite holiday with my favorite family members. Josh made good pies and food while i slept, and then we went over to my Grandma's and had dinner. Awkward conversations, awkward memories of me when I was little, never bring your friends to Thanksgiving.

P.S. no matter how far away you are or how much we don't talk, i will still hate every girl you speak to and love the retarded shit out of you. I think we're moving on? What the fuck is that shit?

The Easy Update

The True Love

The Farewell

"..All I see in you and me,
Is a light in the dark of humanity,
And when the days are done,
I won't forget,
Timid steps - come walk with me,
And with your useless words,
Come talk to me,
There are broken hearts,
Now on your stereo,
But the broken beats are just too slow.."

-American Nightmare

The Mall

Dragged Josh to the mall with me, at least I got a hilarious picture out
of the horrendous experience.

The New Beginning

A few days ago I went to Josh's work to watch him make biscuits and pies
for the next day, I made dough figures.

I'm trying to work on not being such an asshole to myself. I honestly
need to stop eating so much cereal and ice cream, and I need to get more
sleep. My room is so lonely at night it's hard to sleep. I'm extremely
impatient and extremely impulsive, I'm afraid these are things I will
not be able to change. I'm also really hateful and bitter, but I like it
that way.
The last week of lazyness has made me want to get out and fix shit, I'm
working on it.

The Confusion

The last few hours have been difficult. I just switched into this depressed mood I can't get out of. Maybe it's because today is the last day of my vacation from work, and I start reality again at 7am tomorrow. Or maybe because I have 10 dollars in my bank account and car insurance is due on Friday. Or maybe because I realized that I'm extremely needy and I need to learn to chill the fuck out. I miss my mom I miss my sister I miss my brother I miss my dad.

I have everything I want and nothing I need, I don't know if it's worse this way.

The Honest Addiction

I can honestly say that I can't control how much money i spend. It sucks because I love collecting movies and socks and a bunch of other crap. I got paid today, but my job thinks i'm on vacation so I can't get my check until Monday. It doesn't matter though because 75% of it I have to give to my grandpa for my car insurance. Life sucks.

The Election Date

Today is the day! So far, Obama's chances are looking great. I'm still baffled on how McCain won Georgia though.

Sunday night I saw Ceremony, Have Heart, and Blacklisted at Satyricon. It was the best show I've been to since I've been here. I got so pumped seeing Ceremony finally, I have a huge bruise on my left foot, it's massive, and someone decided to walk on my shoulders. Josh hurt his thumb running into a wall pretty bad, we came out beaten the fuck up but it was worth it.

I'm really poor, and Bridge Nine is having a fatty sale, but I enrolled in school at the Oregon Culinary Institute, so fuck it!

The Halloween

Tonight was Halloween, but I didn't even wear my costume. I went to a college meeting at 3:30, didn't get home till 5:00 and didn't meet up with Tim for dinner at The Screen Door where Josh works until 6:00, didn't get home until 9, and now I'm exhausted. I have to work at 5:45am tomorrow, my body is breaking down.

I feel bad for never being home ever, i just feel like total shit today.

The Phone Pictures

Here's Nyx!

My Haircut :)

The chocolate whipped cream at work looks like shit.

And the best drink I've ever made..the pink lady, its strawberry and raspberry flavored, i'm not telling you the secret ingredient though, and it's not creme base!

The Breakfast in Bed

"I hope you always find someone to take you home
To put you into bed, kiss your cheek, and check your pulse
Make sure you're still breathing, with their hand up to your nose
I wish that could be me, but it's just not possible."

The New Tattoo

The World

So like, everyone knows I hate it. I will never stop hating almost
everything and I like who I am. I cannot stress enough how much I hate
being told what to do but yet I still can't control my own life because
my family won't let me. One day you will all regret it when we don't
speak anymore.

The Dead Time

So, no one wants coffee early on Sunday mornings. I've been here at work
since 5:45 and I have made 4 drinks, 3 of them just regular coffees. It
is now 7:22am, and its extremely cold outside. The sun is just now
rising, I wish you could see it, the sky is bright purple and pink.

I went to a pumpkin patch on Sauvie Island with my grandparents and some
other family members. It was really cold and I had been really depressed
all day so I didn't feel like being there. I have been exhausted for the
last three days. I slept over at josh's house thursday night, came home
around 10:30 am friday morning, took a shower and then passed out until
5pm. Friday night I fell asleep on my couch at midnight and woke up
saturday morning at 11am to jake's phone call. Then I did the pumpkin
patch thing and came home around 8, and I passed out at 9:30. I have
gotten a total of 27 hours of sleep in the last 3 nights, but I am still
exhausted.

The Never Ending

I feel like my days are never ending. I go to work at 5:30 am, come home at 2:30, leave to hang out at 3:00, and I'm not home until midnight almost every night. I sleep for a few hours and then start the cycle all over again. The only thing I hate about it is the lack of sleep and the long day at work.

Everything with my family has gotten a whole lot better, we got a puppy, he's adorable. Oh and Josh and I decided to get a kitten, we named her Nyx and she's 7 weeks old, completely black with blue eyes. We're also getting tattooed on tuesday, stoked!

The 40 Hours

This is the first week I've worked 40 hours, five days in a row, and it fucking sucks. I've had absolutely no time to even think or sleep. After work I've been hanging out with some people I met last week, so finally having friends is awesome. We went to sushi and I took my friend Josh to Ikea, he loved it obviously.

I'm really bummed and stressed out. I miss Jake a lot, but I have an awful feeling in my stomach that this moving in January thing is not going to work out. There is absolutely no way I can live by myself, I thought it was going to work but I'm not making enough money now, I never calculated taxes and everything. The worst part is that I don't know whats going to happen to me and Jake. I can't see myself with anyone in the future besides him.


I hate life

The Beginning of Real Hell

There is supposed to be no love greater than the love of family. While some days I think this is true, other times, like today, I don't. My family is trying to control my life, and today has been the breaking point. I moved 600 miles away from my Mom but she still controls me. I moved into my grandparents house thinking they'd be a huge help, giving me a place to stay while I save up money to move, but my Grandpa insists on tearing me apart emotionally every time I'm around and even when I'm not. Apparently when I speak, ears are closed so when I told him I still planned on moving in January at least six times, he didn't hear it. I told my mom I still planned on moving even though I was coming up to Portland, and she didn't hear it either.

I am so fucking fed up with having to hear about school. I HAVE NO MONEY TO GO TO SCHOOL SO I AM WORKING TO SAVE SOME. I don't know how much more clear I can make it. The thing I am focused on right now is being happy, I want to be around my friends who make me happy, I want to have a reason to wake up in the morning.

So now my grandpa pretty much wants me to go to school or leave, I have $124.53, and no place to go. I have never been more angry than I am today, I'm beyond the point of crying all i want to do is break everything I look at. I feel betrayed and stranded, i don't know where to go from here.

I'm leaving for New Mexico to visit on November 4th, nor my Grandpa or anyone else is fucking stopping me. The prices have gone down too.

The End of Hell

My 8 day work week will be over after this morning (it's 12:28am) I have to be at work at 7:00am. I left work last night at 7:10pm, and I had to return in less than 12 hours. I pretty much just hung out in my room all night and finished watching season 2 of The Office. I heard about a kiss between Jim and Pam so I wanted to finish the last 5 episodes as quickly as possible so I could see it! I cried a whole bunch when he confessed his love for her and i giggled a whole bunch when he kissed her!

After work tomorrow I'm hanging out with a new friend, so it should be fun! Finally a break from my family! Not that I don't love them or anything, just sometimes you need a break.

The Jim to My Pam

I miss being near someone I love! Jim and Pam make me lonely, i literally pine for Jim when I'm watching this show. :[ Roy is such an idiot!

The Catch-Up

I must catch all of you up with pictures. I haven't had any time to upload them, so I'll do it all in one post.

Let me start by saying that it has been a very rough and stressful two weeks. I have been working non-stop 8 hour days since last Wednesday and I won't have a day off until Thursday of this coming week. I've had three days off since I started working, I haven't had time to breathe. On top of all this, my Grandpa is pushing my buttons day-by-day. It's scary how alike him and my Mom can be sometimes. I miss her a lot, just not any of the stupid crap she sometimes says.

The other day he was driving me to work and decided to repeatedly tear me down, saying that I'm not trying hard enough to save money for school and to "better myself" because I'm spending a week's pay on visiting New Mexico in November, so he wants me to start paying rent. I think all of it is complete bullshit, considering none of his children ever had to pay rent for as long as they were still living under his roof, including my Mom and I when I was younger. I was pretty irate and cried all night because I was so infuriated that he could be such a total jackass. He's the type of person who always has to be right, but I don't remember him being this mean when I was little. Take this for an example, just five minutes ago he was bitching about how the wash smells like mildew because my Grandma leaves it in the washer during the day when she is watching my younger cousins all day, so I told him to do his own wash if he doesn't like it, and all he said is "well, if i didn't work 12 hour days." I don't even know where to go with words on this. There are so many things I could scream to the top of my lungs about, but to him, my words would still never matter.

It was his idea in the first place for me to move out here and stay with them while I saved some money to move back New Mexico like I had told him ONE MILLION times, yet he insists am staying up here. I don't understand why no one listens when I talk. I swear to god everyone has gone mad, or is it just me? (spell check says I should capitalize god but I hate him, so I won't).

Pictures..
In honor of Twyla loving my post a few weeks ago about my favorite toothpaste, here's a picture of me brushing my teeth after an 8 hour day of working and watching the Emmy's. Way to go 30 Rock! I love Tina Fey and the whole cast of 30 Rock, such a great show.
Here's the Log Shop sticker I put on my car. Rollin on Oregon turf, but reppin the Cali surf! I was remembering working at Sanrio with all the girls when the crew was top notch during Christmas of 2006, I miss those Serramonte days. I also really miss the Bay Area, not Pacifica, but the Bay.
And then this is my room as a complete mess, I plan on cleaning it tomorrow, so I'll show after pictures in my next post! The only furniture of mine in my room is that chair I bought at Urban Outfitters a few years ago, some of you may remember I rode it home on BART.

The Time Off

I got the time off of work to come visit in Albuquerque from November 4th-11th. STOKED!

The Next Visit

I was talking to Jake earlier and we came to the conclusion that I should make a visit back to New Mexico soon. I was supposed to go and get some of my things this last month, but my Grandparents are broke, as are all of us nowadays. I'm almost positive I'd blow my first check anyways, so I might as well spend it all in one place, a plane ticket. I'm thinking around October 21st to the 29th. Prices have shot up dramatically, but it's always worth every penny. The only problem I run into is getting the time off of work. I will give them a month's advance notice so hopefully that's enough, but if I can't get it off I can't go, I can't afford to lose this job.

The Gooby

Ain't he cute? (Theres a wire sticking out of the hood because I had to charge the battery when I brought him home, they thought the alternator was dead but the belt was just broken). I can almost drive him too, driving manual is so frustrating.

The Exhausted Week

I haven't updated almost all week because I've been busy working from Tuesday until today. I work at 5:30 am so I've just been tired. Everyone has decided they want to piss me off today, so this isn't going to be pleasant to deal with tomorrow.

No one believes and/or listened to me when I told them three weeks ago that even though I moved to Portland for a little while I am STILL going back to New Mexico in January/February. My Mom is still upon her rightful high-horse and thinks I'm only going for Jake. While he is a nice part of it, i can honestly say the only time I've been truly happy for days straight in the last year is when I went back to Albuquerque in June. I think it's a good enough excuse to go, I'm not concerned with school right now, I just want to be happy. I miss having friends, and someone to care about, and thats where I can find it.

The New Car

My Grandpa bought me a car so he wouldn't have to drive me to work every day at 5:30 am. It's so cute, I haven't named her yet, but I will when she gets here Monday morning. She's a 1996 Hyundai Accent (in silver), the picture really doesn't do it justice. If you ever see it in person, I swear you'll automatically assume it's mine, you'll pick it out of a parking lot. It's adorable and also a stick shift, so I have to learn how to drive it.

so into life today.

The Office (US)

So, it's alright. I've only seen the first two episodes and both of them have been extremely similar to plot lines on the UK version. I'm giving it a shot, but only for this man.
WOULD. SO WOULD.

The Work Shirt

Got my work shirt, it's comfy.

I start in-store on Tuesday at FIVE-FUCKING-THIRTY-AM.

The new Job

I GOT A JOB!

Working at Albertson's Coffee Bar, which is Starbucks. I am so excited, i was even excited to take the drug test (which I passed). Today I go in to fill out paperwork, and then I start training on Saturday. The pay is quite well just for training, they don't mind my piercings/tattoo, I have no complaints. Things are picking up finally!

The Needed Luck

I need some luck, so whatever luck you aren't currently using, can I please borrow it? I have sent out applications and resumes every single day for the last two weeks, and still nothing. Even though I've re-routed to Portland for a little while, I am still planning on moving back to New Mexico at the beginning of 2009. I was planning for early January, but now I'm looking at late January-early February. The only thing holding me back right now is a job, so finding one will cure all of my dilemmas.

I literally have 15 cents to my name. I'm depressed.

The Visit

Brad came to visit me for a few days, I tried to show him around Portland but I'm a bad tour guide because i sleep until 1pm every day. I haven't really been online the last four days except to check messages, so I haven't had time to update. I took him to this really awesome bridge/walk that I have always been intrigued by. I've always liked that dark steel/red brick type of city look, you don't see that too often in San Francisco.
It was nice to see an old friend, and I wish the best for him in his future, it sure is bright.

The Helpless

The last two days I've been pulling my hair out. My Dad is still in the hospital, Jake could be sick, he's scared out of his mind and inconsolable, and surprise! I can't be there for either of them. I can't get my fucking mind off of any of it. At least Brad is visiting this weekend to take my mind off of it, which Jake is pissed about (understandably so) and I'm sure I'll be hearing about this for the next few years. I mean I would be completely furious if his ex-girlfriend stayed at his house for the weekend, making a road trip or not, so I can see where he's coming from. But the whole 'Brad and Me' thing happened almost 4 years ago.

I slept two hours last night, and had to get up for work at 7, came home and passed out at 9 and was awoken by non-stop text messages and phone calls for 30 minutes. So of course, now I'm awake and I can't fall back asleep. I watched Ace of Cakes and an awful/awesome movie called '200 Cigarettes' on TBS.f

Fuck it, I just can't win.

...but i trained myself to French-braid my own hair.

The Scare

Today has been one of the worst days of the year. My dad is in the hospital, and the doctors don't know whats wrong. For those of you who know my dad, you know he's a tough dude, he never goes to the doctor for anything. I'm really afraid that something is dreadfully wrong, and I can't be there to console him or my mom.

I received other horrible news about 3 hours later, and I'm not sure how to deal with any of this.

If i lose either one of you, I swear, it will be the end of any hope I'll ever have.

The Tally

So I can't help but notice i've had 10,000 + views on this blog. If you haven't read it from beginning to end for the last year and a half i'll sum it up for you.

People are assholes, I hate everything, and I miss Jake.


P.s. Brad is coming to visit me for a little while on Thursday. I haven't seen this playa in 3 years, so stoked.

The Lady Bug

I caught this ladybug right before my mom told me a family friend died. I cannot believe how many people we know have died this year, Uncle Frank just two months ago. They have all died in the most twisted of fucking ways too.

This lady we knew who lived downstairs from my great grandma would always eat dinner with us, come to family things, and she was a regular customer at Sanrio when I worked there. I guess her doctor told her that her life would be at risk if she ever got pregnant again, she was on the birth control patch, got pregnant but didn't know it, six months later (this last week) she comes into the doctor feeling weird, turns out shes in labor. She has another son, goes into a coma and dies bleeding internally.

Life is so fucked up.

The Reminder

Some times I remind myself to do, or not to do, some things. Like, never eat candy past 11 because it makes me sick, always bring extra change for tax, and never watch romantic comedies.

I watched 27 dresses with my grandma tonight, and now I remember why I don't watch them. They bum me out every time because I know love and life never end up that way. This slowly trickles back to how much I hate life and everything in it.

My life will never be a romantic comedy, and I will never be as skinny as Katherine Heigl.

"I feel like I just found out my favorite love song was written about a sandwich."

The Day Five of Real Life

Day five.

I'm lonely.

The new job

It's a desk job.

I added labels to envelopes for 4 hours, and now I need a manicure.

The 2nd Day of Real Life

This is what I look like on Day Two of my real adult life. Fucking exhausted, and haggard.

I've been doing nothing but unpacking and unpacking and unpacking. I'm trying to figure out how New Mexico is going to work on the time schedule I made. I'm stressing out about paying rent and finding a job and going to school.

Life sucks, i miss my mom, Oregon is weird.

The Order Part 2

Ordered some stuff I shouldn't have.
Verse poster, Scared People Poster

The Road Again

I'm on the road again. This drive is awful, incredibly boring, it all
feels a little unreal. My sister wouldn't let me go, she clung to me
like a koala bear. A lot of crying happened, and I'm sad to leave but I
know I've got to start my own life, as much as I don't want to grow up.

The Baby Shoes

I went to run some errands with my Mom this morning and we ended up going to this place called 'Barely Worn,' a children's consignment store. I found these tiny red converse high tops for five dollars so I bought them.

Now I don't have kids, i don't plan on having kids for a really really really long time, but I got them just to have for the future. Maybe its a girl thing.

I'm getting really tired of listening to my step dad treat my mom like shit, every day it gets worse and worse. I don't want to leave her here with him, I'm afraid of the shit that will go down when I'm not here.

The Bleach

I'm blond.

The Gift

Christa gave me a gift today, one of the most sentimental and meaningful (and not to mention beautiful) ones I've ever received.

She told me a story about when she divorced her first husband, and how afterwards she felt lost, so she bought herself this necklace. It says "Please Return to Tiffany & Co." with its own serial number. She figured if she ever turned crazy and someone found her in the street, she'd hope that they would return her to Tiffany's. When her life turned around she stopped wearing it, and felt like she no longer needed it. She understands that I am going through a huge phase of feeling lost, (especially taking a huge leap with my future) this weekend, so she gave it to me, her 18-year-old-self. I admire her so much, and I hope that when I have grown older that I will encompass a lot of the qualities she possesses, truly an incredible friend and person. I'm going to miss her and the girls terribly.
I baked a vegan banana/raisin/pecan bread thing, it's delicious.


Today I got a quarter back in change from buying an Arizona lemon tea, and it was a New Mexico quarter, I think it's a sign that I'm headed on the right track.

And by the way, I'm moving to Portland for a few months on Saturday, and after that it's on to Albuquerque.

The Psychopath

I never thought I'd have to deal with someone like this.

I bet you think you've done something really clever, by talking to Jake and telling him all these wild stories about us "having sex" and how much I hate him. You are mentally insane, and you need some fucking help before I get to you, Jake gets to you, my family gets to, or the authorities get to you. I have enough evidence against you for a lengthy harassment suit, and I'm sure your girlfriend wouldn't be too stoked to hear about all the shit you've said, and also how you flew all the way out here just to meet me.

Jake is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, and if you ever decide to say another fucking word to him, my family, or me, I swear to god you'll be having fucking nightmares for decades after I ruin your entire life.

The Bella

My dog was totally into me today, usually she's a lazy bum.

The Lifeless

I don't know if I've ever felt so drained. Drained of every emotion i can possibly feel within a few hours. I am exhausted from thinking of you and not being able to see you if only for a few minutes. I hate not knowing whats going to happen with us, and it's driving me literally crazy.

I don't know what to do when I don't have the answers.

The Dependency

I'm depending way too much on him giving a shit about me 6 months from now. I can't expect him to wait around until I get my shit together and move out there. I'm afraid for the shit I'm going to face within the next year.

Sometimes I wish I never felt this way about you, and that we never met. I don't know if I could ever handle losing you for good. This is usually the point where I want to walk away, but I can't walk away from you.

I'm tired of living my life paranoid and afraid of everything.

The Boxes

Today I listed to Jawbreaker and went through the ex-boyfriend boxes. I need to return Keith's stuff so it was a good excuse to go through Ryan's box too. I remember Brad saw the box in my closet one time, with all the letters and pictures from my boyfriends in middle school and stuff, it was so funny. But anyways, going through Keith's box was easy, it was just filled with tons of bus transfers, movie tickets, a few cds and some of his comic books. Ryan's box I've been avoiding for over a year, i just don't like remembering how much of an asshole I am sometimes. I reread all the letters, i keep them because they make me laugh still.

Talked to my Grandma for an hour about tons of stuff. I'm about 95% sure I'm just going to go to hair school, i don't feel like pursuing any sort of future career, but if I have to I might as well do something I'm alright at. I've changed my mind so many times, but I'm positive I'll just take the easy way out. Plus it's in my blood, my mom is stoked on it, she's done nails for almost 18 years so having her first born in a salon is like destiny. I feel the most comfortable in a salon anyways, i took my first steps in one!

The Tough Skin

I wish I was as oblivious as Bosworth.

I've sort of built a tolerance to bullshit, but I can feel it starting to weigh down on me. I feel like I've been consistently sick for the last 3 weeks. No one talks in this house, every one yells and screams, having a decent conversation is highly unlikely, so i always have a headache.

I also feel like I'm becoming one of those whiny teens who is depressed because their parents hate each other and fight all the time. It's not even the fact that they fight, they've been fighting like this since before they were married 7 years ago, but it's that I have to listen to it because it's extremely annoying. The walls are paper thin downstairs so I can hear every single whisper. Its especially distracting when I'm trying to do shit. I'm also starting to fall into this insane routine that is driving me nuts.

When I don't have work, I go to sleep every night at nearly 4am, then I wake up at 12, sit around all fucking day on the computer or watching television that I'm sure is killing my brain by the second. I just have nothing to do, I don't watch my little brother and sister anymore because my Dad stays home now. But the thing is, is that I don't want to go anywhere. Well, I do want to go places but not with anyone. I don't want to see any of my friends, I just prefer to be alone. I don't have friends here anymore anyways, burned those bridges months ago. Literally everyone I know and trust lives somewhere else, and being around shitty people just makes me want to kill myself, so I just don't talk to or hang out with anyone.

I stopped taking pictures, quit taking walks, and stopped giving a fuck about anything or anyone. This has been going on since about February, so I'm used to it, but I miss having something to wake up for every day.

"Right here, all by myself
I aint got no one else
The situation is bleeding me
Theres no relief for a person like me

Depressions got a hold of me
Depression-i gotta break free
Depressions got a hold of me
Depressions gonna kill me

I aint got no friends to call my own
I just sit here all alone
Theres no girls that want to touch me
I dont need your goddamn sympathy..."
-Black Flag Depression

I wish Jake was here, or even better yet, I wish I was where he is. I just miss cuddling at night, it was so easy to fall asleep there.