The Tough Skin

I wish I was as oblivious as Bosworth.

I've sort of built a tolerance to bullshit, but I can feel it starting to weigh down on me. I feel like I've been consistently sick for the last 3 weeks. No one talks in this house, every one yells and screams, having a decent conversation is highly unlikely, so i always have a headache.

I also feel like I'm becoming one of those whiny teens who is depressed because their parents hate each other and fight all the time. It's not even the fact that they fight, they've been fighting like this since before they were married 7 years ago, but it's that I have to listen to it because it's extremely annoying. The walls are paper thin downstairs so I can hear every single whisper. Its especially distracting when I'm trying to do shit. I'm also starting to fall into this insane routine that is driving me nuts.

When I don't have work, I go to sleep every night at nearly 4am, then I wake up at 12, sit around all fucking day on the computer or watching television that I'm sure is killing my brain by the second. I just have nothing to do, I don't watch my little brother and sister anymore because my Dad stays home now. But the thing is, is that I don't want to go anywhere. Well, I do want to go places but not with anyone. I don't want to see any of my friends, I just prefer to be alone. I don't have friends here anymore anyways, burned those bridges months ago. Literally everyone I know and trust lives somewhere else, and being around shitty people just makes me want to kill myself, so I just don't talk to or hang out with anyone.

I stopped taking pictures, quit taking walks, and stopped giving a fuck about anything or anyone. This has been going on since about February, so I'm used to it, but I miss having something to wake up for every day.

"Right here, all by myself
I aint got no one else
The situation is bleeding me
Theres no relief for a person like me

Depressions got a hold of me
Depression-i gotta break free
Depressions got a hold of me
Depressions gonna kill me

I aint got no friends to call my own
I just sit here all alone
Theres no girls that want to touch me
I dont need your goddamn sympathy..."
-Black Flag Depression

I wish Jake was here, or even better yet, I wish I was where he is. I just miss cuddling at night, it was so easy to fall asleep there.