The Vacation

I will be taking a very much needed vacation back home to San Francisco with Connor at the end of July. By the time I'm done moving in the house and working all summer, I'm going to enjoy the shit out of myself and not waste a day. We started the transition into the new house last Thursday, the place was left disgusting so we've been scrubbing and painting all week. I chose a nice and neutral..turquoise..oh well. My room is small, but I won't be in it 80% of the time, I'll actually get to enjoy the living space with friends.

I took a mini trip with Connor to New Haven, Connecticut on Saturday and it was awesome! We went to Ikea and ate a lot of good food. Yale university just happened to be graduating that day, I've never seen so many yuppies in my life! We also visited the Rare Book Library and walked around campus for a couple hours. I got some awesome pictures too!

I also became 'manager' of the cafe, which is my first ever title above 'fun-ployee'. I'm movin' on up in the world!

Moving is stressing me out. I can't figure out how to please everyone, but then i guess you never can..I'm just counting down the days till i get to see my family. I wonder if it'll be weird, they haven't met the "new" me. I'm a different person in many ways than when I was 18, and I haven't lived home since then. I haven't seen any of them in two years, and i get to see my ENTIRE family. I can't wait for them to meet Connor too, he will win them over with his boyish charm.

The Forget or Forgive

Let me start off by saying forgive me for not posting, and don't forget about me.

Things have come around! I moved out of my shitty house earlier than expected and was graciously offered a place to stay at Connor's dad's house with him until June when we move into our new house. We moved out almost a month ago and it's been smooth sailing ever since. I haven't gotten worked up, no depression, no anxiety, no runny noses from mold in the walls. Connor's dad, Brian, couldn't be easier to live with, his sister, Keely, lives there too. She recently let me snag some of her old clothes and came out with a drawer full of awesome things! I love their family so much, we had Easter brunch with Grandma & Grandpa Hogan at their house with some of the whole family. They are so easy going and hilarious! I actually look forward to family events with the Hogans.

In other exciting news, I love my new job! I've become the pastry chef and I'm about to be the front end manager as well. All of my co-workers are awesome, my boss is awesome, the food is great, the hours are perfect, the pay is not great but worth it for all the other perks. And to go along with this awesome job, we just got a house on the same block! A four bedroom to split between Connor and I, another couple Ashley and Chris, and the lone shark, Dan! I love all of them, they are such chill, genuine people and I can't wait to have more good times with them.

Of course for every bit of good news, there is bad news.

The stalker problem finally rose to the surface and I had to handle it. I was in the mindset that night to not let stupid Albany people bother me anymore until the overzealous cunt wouldn't get out of my face all night. Even after i fully engulfed her face in my punch and she fell backwards into a crowd of people, she still wouldn't leave me alone. This turned into an embarrassing screaming match in front of a lot of drunk people who have more than likely forgotten, but I haven't. And the next time I see that skinny bitch I'll be on the offense.

The stupid asshole problem has yet to be resolved, it's been close to a year since all of this started. Going as far as Oregon to sleep with one of my best friends was a sad, expensive, and sorry attempt at payback. Her flirting was a nice way of saying, "I'm too mean to say you're disgusting and/or no thanks." I wonder if he'll fall off the face of the earth any time soon? If it wasn't for Connor, I'd really start to believe that every man on the face of this earth is a filthy, lying, thieving pig.

In the end my biggest problem is forgetting. And it's not that I don't remember, I remember all too well. I can't forget about the way the story really goes, and all the people who've turned their backs to me after I was victimized. I also can't forget about all the mean things that were said, a time when Connor was blacklisted from Albany. Its such a shame how much one person's loud flapping well of a mouth can snowball into the biggest lie that has ever been told about me. I won't forget and I never forgive, because when you do, they turn back into the devil on horseback.

I keep wishing on those karma stars, but when I really think about you and how miserable you are behind all of the medication, the drugs, the talk, I can only see a boy hunched over in a chair shaking with nervousness who covers his mouth when he's uncomfortable.

The Drowning

I can't wait to move out of my fucking house.

I moved into a house with 4 people I didn't know and that was the worst idea, ever. I just went to the first place I could afford to get out of a hellish relationship. Theres been talk of us not getting back the 1000$ security deposit for some bullshit reason, and before I pay rent on March 1st I want to know for sure. If we aren't getting it back I'm moving out before then and living with Connor and his Dad until June when we can get a place with our friends Ashley and Chris.

I'm tired of being dicked around by some asshole holding the books, making me pay out the ass for the worst house I've ever lived in. Despite my shitty roommates existing I have to exist around all of their shit, literally, dog shit, human shit, cat shit. I shouldn't have to see this much shit in one day.

I can't wait to wake up in the morning to a quiet house around people who aren't going to ask me for outrageous favors, chain smoke with the windows closed, or scream at each other till three in the morning about ex boyfriends. Things will be at peace and harmony, I'll be able to think, breathe, live, again.

I fucking hate my shitty house.

The Followers/VDAY

New Years Eve pictures finally surfaced..yikes.

This is the first time I haven't been able to sleep in months. I usually pass out and sleep like a rock through the entire night, but I napped too late. Connor took the nap to a whole other level and has called it a night. Funny how our sleep changes when we are where we are.

I can't believe I actually have followers on this thing. I've been writing my angsty shit in here for years and it's finally picking up some steam. I'm not really sure anyone trying to get to know me should read this electronically filed garbage dump of a blog. I do have happy days too, ya know.

Valentines Day was amazing, the best. Connor took me out for sushi at our favorite sushi place and then to play pool! Which doesn't sound very romantic, but it holds sentimental value in our relationship, and it was fun. He bought me FLOWERS my favorite color, which I'm sure you didn't know was yellow. He went out and bought himself something nice to wear, but he didn't need much guidance, he's a man who cares about his appearance (sorta) and I love it. We looked real nice and I wore a really loud dress in his favorite color which is yellow. He bought me chocolate and a giant stuffed heart and a giant stuffed cupcake...he really knows my taste. We came home afterwards, watched a marathon of intervention and drank some wine. It couldn't have been a better Valentines Day, and it must've been good because I can't remember any other time I enjoyed celebrating the 'holiday.'

At least once a week one of us always has to take a second to come back to reality and remember all the shit we went through just to be together now and it really is one of the craziest/worst/best year of my life. It was all worth it though, I can't imagine the position I'd be in now if I never went for the prize. It's really a shame that Connor's name has been dragged through the dirt the most in the end of this, because he really is the most caring, gentle, generous, and compassionate bear I've ever known. Things are looking up though, people seem to be coming to their senses (a little). It's been about a year now since the drama llama walked into my life, but I said goodbye over a month ago.

In other spectacular news, I finally found a new job. I was hired by a cafe in the area that hasn't opened yet. I mean REALLY in my area, it's only a 10 minute bike ride into the college ghetto. We had an orientation last week where we got to meet all of the opening staff, we talked about the general idea and concept of what we wanted it to be like and I couldn't be happier. The owner is really innovative and we've got some really nice hippies making farm food, I'm excited. I'm not sure when the opening date is, but definitely before March!

The Completion

I did! I made the fricken blog. visit it @ wordpress.com A Short Order

I still havent had any luck finding a job here, and to tell you the truth I feel like giving up. How can anyone get to know me in a 5 minute conversation?

I've been doing a lot of crocheting since being home a lot. I made some head bands I think hippies will go for so maybe I'll try to sell them on etsy for food money.

check me out I'm blonde now.

Life can be so unrewarding, so unfullfilling, sometimes.

The Thoughts

I'm thinking about starting a new blog, something less personal and with more food. I'll still write my complains and worries here, so don't worry about any lack of melodrama in your life.

I kind of want it to be based on what I'm eating/cooking. I can post when I eat out, when I cook at home, or come across a good recipe or cooking tip. Food sort of consumes my daily thoughts, and I've been doing a lot of home cooking lately because of the poverty in my life at the very moment. I've also been cooking for my roommates at night, (and getting paid for it) so I have more guinea pigs. Blogging from my iPhone is the easiest thing ever, it feels weird using my computer now. The only question is...what do I call it? It has to be witty, maybe a little cute, and of course foody.

The Flip

I could go on forever about how I hate everyone in Albany, but mostly, almost entirely it's just Josh that I hate. The thought of him now makes my stomach turn, especially after Saturday night. Connor and I weren't on the "guestlist" to the show so we were denied entry by the devil himself. I don't know who the fuck he thinks he is, but i think he is the devil.

The Extravaganza

My boyfriend is sleeping to ignore me being pissed off again, who can blame him?

I was deathly ill for the last week with the worst gastrointestinal virus I've ever had in my life. Felt like my insides were eating each other. After all this time off from the holidays the last thing i needed was to be sick. Now I'm 200 dollars behind on the rent, with 60 bucks in my pocket and my phone bill is due in a week. I'm royally fucked. And they stopped giving me hours at work, so now I'm really fucked. Isn't there some place I can call and complain about having shitty owners/managers? There should be. Theres a place you can call when you are fired from your job to be supported by the government, but what about those people who have been working and are still working but their job is too cheap to give them enough hours to pay their rent?

I'm fucking sick and tired of everyone treating everyone like shit. Maybe I just have to face the facts that all humans are born evil, maybe the Christians are right. Or maybe we just have to make a different approach as parents and teach our children that it is not okay to blatantly ignore a customer because you've had a bad day, or how to speak to other people respectfully. Its the kids everyones trying to protect but its the adults that I'm worried about.

The Overwhelming Feeling

The past month has been sort of rough, like a dark cloud hanging over my head. I have no money, its winter, my roommates piss me off, and I can't wait to get home. Connor and I are doing well, I just can't get out of this funk. I've had such bad luck, I'm just waiting for something to come my way. Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket, a cheap one.

I made the mistake of looking up the girl Connor drunkenly fucked years ago and she was surprisingly not hideous, it kind of made me mad. SO now I'm back to being down about ME, so I guess i should go back to the GYMahslkdjhvglhujsgb. I'd rather go to work than go to the gym.

Milo's testicles are getting chopped on Thursday so the piss extravaganza is going to be over soon, and i can go back to keeping the kitties together like they should be. AND we can go back to sleeping past 6 am, his MAAAAAOW-ing is keeping the whole house awake.

Christmas in two weeks! I'm broke but my sister really wants a zuzu pet, so I'm thinking of scratching my plans on going to NYC to see the tree in Rockafella Centa. The things I do for love!

The Turn Around and Explode

Things haven't changed too much really, I'm still reaching for that goal of getting home but every day it gets farther and farther away. Once again, my life is fucked over money, but i shouldnt be feeling guilty because it's not my fault.

I currently live in a house with 3 other roommates and Connor, we had a 5th roommate but she decided to skip out on our verbally agreed rent situation so we were left to pay her tab. This was pretty much my phone bill money, so it got shut off. Its so rainy and windy here it looks like the apocalypse outside. Winter is quickly approaching and I'm not looking forward to sitting inside. At least we got to move rooms and we have a bunch of new gaming systems to play with.

blerg. i hate everyone.

The New Deal

I have figured it all out, think. For the past couple of weeks Connor and I have been brainstorming places that we could move when the lease is up. California has always been at the top of my list, and I had my heart set on San Diego. I think I'm ready to go home though. And by home I dont mean living with my parent, we (meaning my mom and I) have agreed that this is NOT an option. And I don't mean pacifica either, because frankly I will never call that shit hole full of shit hole people my home. If I move back I'm going to live in San Francisco, yeah it's expensive but I'm a hermit and every dollar I spend on rent will be put to good use.

If it's anything I've learned by floating around for the last 20 years it's that no matter where you are you should be with your family. I never thought those words would ever come out of my mouth but it's true. I found something that makes my life stable and that's food. If you like what you do you are going to like your life, I just had to go out and find what I truly loved more than hating everyone and that's cooking and baking. I also had to find someone along side of me who I could learn from and someone who could learn from me and that's Connor.

He's teaching me how to be a social butterfly again. To talk at the people who you can't stand instead of being offended by their stupidity and arrogance, which I have to do quite often living here in New York. The difference between him and everyone else is that he wants a family, which means he is really mushy inside (but I won't get into that for your lunch's sake). He wants to meet my family and I know they will just adore him, he fits snug like the last puzzle piece In my life and I can't wait for them to meet.

I also can't wait to be apart of my family's life. Olivia and Jagger need a person in their life to be the mediator between parent and friend, and I had that in my uncle Shaun. I want to teach them common sense about things my parents will tell them to avoid because they're parents and that's what they're supposed to do, like friend problems and boy/girl problems. In all honestly I'm just coming back to disapprove every one of my siblings suitors, no one will ever be good enough for my baby brother and sister, maybe I just feel that way because I know some day soon they will be crushed by the opposite sex so badly they want to die, and I want to be there for that.

I also want to take them away on some weekends to give my parents a chance to love each other again. They never have time alone without a bedtime, and I want them to start sleeping in the same bed again. I understand my brothers a bit of a bed hog but they have been married for 8 years, they need to get a bigger bed or start acting like they love each other and TRY to love each other. I know they do, I've seen my mothers lovey eyes when she looks at him since I was 7 years old and I can't wait for them to fall back in love again.

Here's something else Connor has taught me, love can last. I was always a cynic believing that marriage can never work, but it can, I've seen it in his family. His mom and dad might not be together anymore but I can tell that his mom and stepdad David love each other very much. Thats why I like to go visit them all the time, they can deal with the stress in their lives because they have structure and teamwork in their daily lives. Everytime we go up there there is something new they've built together as a family in the garden or time they put in together working on the house, and I love that about them. I want my family to be this way too because it works and it keeps them healthy together, that's why Hannah and Jack are so smart and well behaved!

Well enough of my sappy rant, just thought you all should know I'm at a different place in my life and I'm ready to be apart of my family's. I'm ready to bring home the lessons ive learned along this crazy path that still has a few more miles on it.

Posted from Blogium for iPhone

The New York Fall...again!

The golden leaves are back just in time for me to not be ready for the cold again. I brought all of my winter clothes out which was almost like shopping for them all over again! I quit my fancy job because it was making me unhappy, it's too serious for me. I like the pace of the cafe and the community in it. I also like having free time to enjoy my life. I'd rather be a little less wealthy and get to spend time with my friends and Connor after work, than be rich and never have time to do anything.

Posted from Blogium for iPhone

The Alone Time

The entire month of September I spent ALONE at home and working like a dog. Connor left on tour with his band Anal Warhead for a month across the country, but I got him back in one piece. It was fucking HELL in case you're wondering. There is only so many times you can say 'i miss you, i love you, can't wait to see you' without wanting to off yourself and/or reach through the phone for a quick kiss. I'm happy to have him home again, it almost felt like a limb was cut off because living in this house really takes a team effort.

I love my roommates, but I am beyond the feeling of wanting to party every night and being irresponsible for my own shit. I also feel like I never got to that point. I never wanted to party every night, I'm a hermit, we cook dinner, eat movies, (smoke weed), and chill out. Connor is too, which makes our relationship easy and comfy. He's an aries and i'm a gemini, do your freakin research! We were meant to be.

The 500

This is my 500th post can you even believe it? I really hate reading back some times...my life has taken a lot of turns since the beginning but I still feel the same. Except I'm financially independent, I've started a career, and I've been through SIX boyfriends. I just can't make up my mind now can I?

Today I can say that I am content with my life at the moment. I have two jobs, an apartment I can afford, nice stuff (a new iPhone!), two kitties, and a darling boyfriend. I am more confident and I am less awkward, which is sweet! I wonder what I will be like in 5 years. Maybe I will be taller, you never know. The next thing I want is a whole apartment to myself, my own kitchen, bathroom, and living room would be excellent. But I won't be settling in New York, with the hours I've been working it looks like i'll have enough money to move when my lease is up. Working long hours isn't hard when you see the pay check at the end.

I'm proud of me! And you should be too, because you know I've gone through the fiery rings of hell to get here.

The Boy

This is the boy who left me for all of September to go on tour with his band and leave me lonely. I haven't felt an ounce of happiness since he left. Except rediscovering Sonic Overload Radio, thanks Ashley!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

The Cut

My hours at work have been cut to shit, but my second job is going well. I have this Saturday, Sunday, and Monday off, so I'm going to spend them hanging out with Connor until he leaves Wednesday for a month. I sold my Xbox and bought a Wii, which is awesome because all the games are adorable. I got animal crossing, mario party 8, rayman raving rabbids, and elebits.

The next month is going to royal blow. I'm not planning on quitting my first job just yet so I'll be working day and night for a while. Hopefully I'll start raking in the cash so I can start saving to move. The day can't come any closer, Albany is miserably hot and humid this week.

I got food poisoning for the first time last Tuesday which was a total blast, I just haven't felt right in the belly since then. I'm happy lounging with my cats and doing nothing, so thats good enough for now.

The Little Guy

This is my new little baby. I could resist having him in my life, he's a precious baby angel. He has bright blue eyes! I named him Juni. This cheered me up quite a bit, plus i got a new job! I'm going to be working pantry at this fancy restaurant. It's kind of weird that I'm not baking, but the place is so nice and the chef said he has no problem training me since I'm new to it. It seems too good to be true, but it's a new place and I do have SOME experience. I am not quitting the cafe just yet, but in the next couple weeks I will be. I'm excited to be back in a real kitchen, like I had when i went to school. I won't have to deal with customers and I have to wear the coat! soo excited.

I am starting a career, it's weird.

The Loss

It's been almost 3 months since I stopped seeing Josh, and you'd think after this amount of time I'd go back to my bitch ways and hate him, but I don't. As nasty as he's been to me over the past couple months, you'd think I would hate him but I can't, even for as much as he hates me. Our relationship wasn't the boy and girl holding hands down the block, but it was fun, comfortable, and passionate. Our non-existent relationship still has meaning, its hateful, spiteful, and disturbing. I never knew the person inside him that could be so cruel. I have kept my distance from him, I've stayed inside at night away from his prized territory, why wasn't it possible for people who are not associated with me to keep to themselves?

I understand, I'm doing a bad thing, but at this point what is the incentive to stop? There was a point about a week-in when i thought 'what the fuck am I doing? what have I done?' But there was something in the back of my head, an itch that I could not scratch, that kept me from being able to be in love with Josh for so long. I wish to something greater than myself that i would've never seen what I saw, because if i didn't then maybe I wouldn't have gone so crazy and been so miserable since then.

I thought i could replace him with someone who does all the things he never did, but i shouldn't be looking for a replacement I shouldn't be looking for anything at all. I just feel like his chapter in my life was ended too soon and it's all my fault. I don't know what to do when my significant other starts ignoring and avoiding me, my first instinct is to get out of there before he does. Well there's no going back, no good enough excuses.

It just really sucks to not have him to talk to, because I have no one on this coast who gives a shit about me now. All I want at this moment is to have someone agree with me that we were partners in this mess so I can die with knowing I wasn't the lonely asshole.

The Danger There

"Fools rush in where wise men never go, but wise men never fall in love, so how are they to know?"

So, I lied. I was wrong and all that, but theres no going back. Josh hates me, he knows Connor and I have been seeing each other for a bit. I can't say it ended the way i hoped it would, there were three days of screaming, crying, and lots of anger towards each other. I've been going on bike rides to keep my head out of the water, but this week has been too below average for my sweet taste. My hours got cut in half this week because August has been slow, and the job hunt so far isn't successful. A lot of places drug test, and thats not really my style. I don't want to work some place where they're concerned about what i do on my free time. At my job now i show up every day and I show up on time. I've called in sick one time since i started there in January, not too shabby for a pot head is it? I get my bills paid and my responsibilities taken care of, but outside of work I'm a different person, and thats the way it should be.

I've been hanging out with my roommates more often, and it's easier because they're out of the "scenester" loop, and they're on my side when i get the chance to complain about being harassed for three days. My house seems to be the only safe area now too, it's really the only place Connor and I can be without being afraid of outer drama seeping in.

And I've gotten a lot better at cooking, too. FOR REAL! I make something different every night, and the more I do the more I know. I successfully made a red thai curry last night with vegetables from Connor's mom's garden. And it wasn't disgusting! I'd make it again!

New tattoo also, from a super cool equipped roommate. They're California poppies!

The Decision

I've decided where I'm off to next. I'm pretty sure I'm going to shoot for San Diego's beach areas, I lived there as a kid and I'm looking forward to something mellow and charming. Its surprisingly cheaper than Santa Cruz, which i researched as well. No other cities really appealed to me, and I don't want to live in the Midwest. That cancels out a lot of places. I'm planning on getting a second job and getting the fuck out of here as soon as my lease is up. I'm not looking forward to moving again, but I am looking forward to something new. There seem to be plenty of food service jobs, and I want to try and sell some pies to local cafes, but theres a lot to be done before that.

I only have 300 or so more days left in New York. 6 months of that will be spent miserable again in the damn winter. The first thing I'm going to do when I get back is take my brother and sister to Disneyland!

The Weight

I feel like there is 1,000,000 pounds cozying up and making a home on my shoulders. There are people my age opening bakeries with money their parents gave them, or money they've been given because of a freak accident. It just doesn't make any sense, I've jumped through all the hoops, I've obeyed, yet I still don't get a fucking hand out. I want to open my tiny pie shop and nest my house full of cute things.

I got a letter in the mail saying that my absent father stopped making payments on the rest of my tuition last year. I owe them about 4,000 dollars now. I guess I was just too blind to see that people never change. He ruined my life from the beginning and now he's ruining my credit and making me poor. I also recently have been informed that i could die at any moment while driving my car because of the horrible rust underneath it. So now I'm car-less.

When am I going to getting a fucking break here? What the fuck must I do to stop life from fucking me so far up the ass that it makes me want to give up? Theres no way I can possibly fight back, except to be pissed off and sad that theres nothing i can do.

But I'll show you all. One day I'm going to have all that I want and get it by working hard. I wont take a hand out, I won't cut any corners. I am sick and tired of being shit on by everyone and everything in New York, I'm not going to take this anymore.

The Payment

The time has come for me to pay off my debt to a small town outside of Albany for all of the ridiculous tickets my hunk of shit car has acquired in the last six months. In the end of all this I'll have paid the town $150.00, and in my line of work money is hard to come by.
I'm getting sick of my job, maybe just bored not sick, but I am sick of being paid $8.00 an hour to do my boss's job and my own.

It has been recent news to me that my car is not worth fixing up, so the next step is borrowing a shit load of money from people who are obligated to like me through a disasterous marriage. Hopefully. If not, it looks like I'll be heading back west. I think it might be emotionally and physically draining for my family to have me back living there since I'm so set in my messy adult ways, I just can't bring myself to do it.

I don't know what it is, I just can't get happy. Maybe its the dullness of the days gone by but I am growing tired of waking up early, going to work, dealing with everyone else's problems, and then going to bed. I'm looking to get a second job once the cold creeps back in a few months, an extra hundred a week will get me back to the beach faster, I hope.

In other non-depressing news I'm thinking of starting up a food blog. I've been talking about it for a while now, but I'm finally getting some ideas together. Nothing fancy, just what I ate and where I ate it. With my witty imput of course! Maybe the occasional picture or two, when my computer crawls back from the dead I'll make the attempt.

The Hiatus

Sorry for the lack of posting, I've been in quite a bind for the last two months. Well I moved in, been living there for about a month and a half now, it's going pretty well. Milo is content and that's all I could ask for. I've learned not to expect much happiness in my life lately, so I'm just concerned with how comfortable my cat is.
Josh and I are no longer together, and that's a drag because not only did I lose my first real life love, I lost my best friend. The kind of best friend who doesn't put up with your shit and can read your thoughts. But he wants nothing to do with me so what can I do?
Things got out of hand at the last Graboids show, Connor got slapped and I got kicked in the back by said best friend. It honestly hurt much worse when he stabbed me in the back emotionally. But my back is fucked now, something about a pinched nerve sending pain down my left leg. What some people will do out of jealousy makes me fucking sick.

I'm planning my escape out of New York next June. I want to go back to San Diego but my budget is restricted and I won't make it alone, somewhere or anywhere else would be nice. There is nothing left for me to do in New York since I came here for Josh, so I'm ready to move on.

I'm making life work for now, just scooting by day by day. I wouldn't say I'm miserable but I'm broke, alone and pissed off.


Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

The Beginning

A lot has changed since the last time i posted. My computer is out of commission for right now, posting on a regular basis might be difficult.

I got the apartment I wanted (I think?). I move in on June 1st, its in a cute little neighborhood in Albany, close enough to everything worth riding my bike for. I am pinched for money, and I'm scared but I'm trying not to worry too much about it. I bought some furniture and got a kitten because Josh is keeping our Nyx. I am really torn between being a grown up and being Josh's little pet, because sometimes I like it. I don't know what the future holds, I can't even tell you what I'm doing for my 20th birthday on the 28th of this month. I hope i wont spend it alone, most of all I'd like to spend it at home with my family but on any given day that is what I'd rather be doing.

I haven't seen my mom, dad, sister, or brother in almost a year. I feel like this lost little fish all alone in a sea of red sauce. C'mon New York! Where the fuck is the mexican food? I am beyond sick of New York food. I would give up ever eating italian food again just for one damn carne asada burrito from Las Pasaditas in Portland. Looks like I'll be heading out there in July!

All i do is work work work and I don't hate it. It's weird.

The Pest

Life has never been forgiving, kind, or respectful to me. I am going to start taking shit back, like my dignity and the control over my own destiny. I am sick of depending on men to help me, a favor turns into a lifetime commitment and I am not a piece of property to be shuffled around.
I found a place to live in Albany, just waiting to hear if I got it or not. With my luck I'll be stuck in this cave for a few more months.
This has a little to do with the Josh I know now, one moment he'll be my best friend and the next he'll be my enemy. And if he says moving out is the end of all ties then that'll be it. I am sick of ultimatums.
Bizzaro world seems like it will never happen but I'm commited to making it work somehow. The entire universe is against me, I can feel it sometimes when I'm sleeping alone.

I had a dream last night that Josh and I were sent to a rehab facility. They said the only way Josh would get better was if we were seperated, so I got sent to a different one. I just cried the entire time, I sat in a chair all day and cried for Josh. He came to visit me once, he was all better with a giant smile on his face and I was still a fucking mess. For some reason Christian was there and we were smoking outside when Josh came outside and looked at me then walked away. There was something in his eyes, I don't know if it was pity or apathy, but it made me feel like the lowest human being on earth. I woke up soaked in sweat, I fell back asleep only to have the nightmare begin where it left off.
I was sitting in the chair, smoking again, watching t.v. when I got up to enter what must've been the mock dining room because it was just Josh sitting at a table with two plates of fancy food. I sat down and started eating it when I realized it was a familiar looking womb. Josh gave me the apathetic pity look again and walked away from me. I ran outside into pouring rain and he was gone, one of the counselors came outside and tried to talk me out of this fit of rage but no words could come out of my mouth. It was like I was a well person who was stuck in someplace where well people do not belong but I couldn't say a fucking word. I woke up furiously crying in a puddle of cold sweat.

The dream was so incredibly real I felt like I was waiting in that chair for a month. I don't understand the signifigance of it to my life, but whatever it was I don't ever want to go back to it again.
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The Unwelcome Matt

I have been living in Josh's house too long, I'm feeling unwanted. I am also feeling helpless in this situation, seeing as I have nowhere to go and no money to bring with me. I don't know how my life got this way, I thought I was keeping track of what I was fucking up and it seems as though I just wasn't paying enough attention. I've dug myself so far into this stupid fucking cave and now I can't get out without help.

I'm about to make a decision that will change the rest of my life forever, no matter which way it goes. Sorry internet, but you can't be trusted. Just know that my brain is eating my stomach alive and I'm in a shit load of pain. O mother where art thou? I need you.

And i don't want anything to do with men anymore. I love them for a little while and then I snap into destruction mode and tear their feelings apart. Sorry bout that.

Coughing Fit living room show was crazy, I always look forward to seeing them play. Picked up a foil cover 7"!

Back to the real world..

The Last Day

Today is the last day of winter, and possibly the last day of my sanity.

The Familiar Feeling

I've been hanging out with Quincy the hedgehog a lot lately. He's the only animal in our house who doesn't get enough attention, rightfully so because he hates it. He wasn't people trained as a youngin so he's scared of everything. Every time its too loud or too bright or you get too close, he curls up into a little spikey ball and clucks. I'm serious! He clucks!

On a different note, all of my stomach issues are making a vicious comeback. I was doing so well! For almost 8 months I could eat without feeling sick and wake up without wanting to puke, but now it's all back and I haven't eaten a real meal in about a week. I wish our country wasn't so greedy so I could have health insurance. I haven't been to the doctor in almost 2 years now because of it, and I don't think its fair, expecially because I have been working full time (and going to school full time for some of it) for the entire duration of those 2 years. Alas, I have never been offered affordable health care by my employers. Maybe someday in my future the people of my generation will ball up and overthrow the government, I doubt it, but the first thing I'd do as president is at least give everyone the option of seeing a doctor without having your bank account raped. But if you guys want to keep living your lavish lifestyles while the rest of us suffer, then I hope you're truely happy.
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The Spring

The time has come finally, for the weather to stop being such a frigid asshole. I got my car on the road just in time to enjoy open windows again. I was outside in shorts painting a picnic table for two days! It looks like a popsicle.

The Graboids finally have a demo and a Myspace page, check it out! Myspace.com/graboidsband. We played our third show last night, smoked too much and forgot the lyrics to our cover but whatever! It was a good time. Next show is April 14th with Crooked Teeth @ Oddfellow's Hall.

We are starting to make plans to move out, how exciting!
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The Most Painful Yet

Brutal stick n' pokes. I don't think I've ever felt so much pain with a needle in my entire life. You definately need to be drunk to handle this. Thanks Mike!
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The Turn Around, Maybe

Its hard for me to be in relationships, I guess. Some how I always end up being a bitch even if things in life are going my way for once. I just feel like I am wasting time. Josh feel like I am getting tired of him because I am starting to do things on my own again. I'm starting to figure out my surroundings and I want to explore them on my own sometimes. Is it that much trouble to want to be alone?

I, as you may know, am a very excitable person. I daydream constantly and I get worked up (good and bad) about the tiniest little things. Thats just the way I am. It's really hard to be with someone who is only excited when good things happen to them.

I am ready to come out of this fucking horribly depressing cocoon I've spent the last 19 years in, and no boy is going to keep me from it.

The Good News, Finally

FINALLY! After all this time i have happy news to deliver. I am finally getting my car on the road this tuesday, Graboids played an awesome first show at Oddfellows last saturday, and I am raking in the dough.

I did my taxes, i get 800 back. FUCK YES.

The Graboids played an impromptu show at J Krak's Sweet 16x2 party. I drank way too much, and fucking went for it all. I am very proud us! We are recording the demo very very soon.

I am working all the time but its easy and fun, I seem to be making a lot of money very quickly. When i get my taxes back I'm going to pay off Josh's parents for the move and get a tattoo! Then i can begin saving for our apartment which we can get also very very soon.

Everything is easy right now! Can't wait for everything to fall apart again..

The New Work

Cream puffs I made at the new work!

My new job is going really well, I make sandwiches, take orders, clean up, and hang out. I am learning how to run my own business by working at these tiny places. The fancy restaurant I wait at on sundays is tghe best place I've ever worked. I did the dessert menu for their new years ever dinner, and they decided to keep me on in the front of the house just until summer when I can bake and eventually bartend. I'm pretty excited to make some good money.

The restaurant was named one of the 25 best farm-to-table restaurants in the country, and its amazing that everyone who makes it happen is under the age of 26. I love the food industry, you learn something new at every place you work, everyone does it differently.

This will also be good experience for New York City moving time at the end of summer. It's cool to learn all these different jobs in the restaurant, I get to work a (sandwich) line, I wait tables, I get to be chef.

I'm thankful the job situation is finally settled. I have a routine now, which is weird, but I still get to stay out late every night. I don't mind working on the weekends, because it doesn't matter what day of the week it is, we still drink heavily.

Red Stripe is my fuckin' dawg.
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The Break

Josh and I decided to take a break from smokin' dat green, and we're sort of sticking to it. I'm not as sleepy I guess.

Tonight was an excellent Graboids practice despite the PA mystery and having to go buy a new microphone. We have a total of 9 songs now, and we're playing two covers. Our songs are short so it will be nice to fit so many songs in our first set. I hope people like us, shit.

Once our recordings are done we will start a MySpace Music page so everyone can hear a few songs.(Despite your nasty comments I happen to enjoy this style of music so check your fucking face).

I wrote a song about pizza and another one about hating straight edge nazis. The subjects vary, on a quite large scale, and the lyrics are all crap. Its hard to fit brilliance inside of a single minute of music that sounds like it's on fast forward. Darby Crash manages to do this extremely well and that is one reason why the Germs are/were fucking great. If you don't believe me read the lyrics to Land of Treason.

Having this blog makes me hate myself.
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The Recent Image

This is what I look like these days..
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The Mix

Tramadol + k + alcohol + green smoke, will send your body and mind on a very expansive trip through the inner workings of your brain. Look how funny I am! Seeing Josh's K face is HILARIOUS!

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The Interview

Today I watched GG Allin's last interview on Jane Whitney's old talk show, I had seen the beginning with the Club Kids a few times, but I never saw GG on it! I wonder what happened to the cop in the middle of all of them trying to make his point. It's sad that people probably will still agree with him too. It's hilarious how both the club kids (Richie Rich went on to do Heatherette!) and GG Allin are fucking legends now, and that cop is either dead or old and bitter still.

I like how in both the Jerry Springer interview and the Jane Whitney interview all the opposing opinions are coming from the fucking pigs, lawyers, and parents. Every person who could possibly hate punk more than anything on earth.

"Rock n' roll is the fury from within you, rock n' roll is revenge, rock n' roll is your enemy, and I am your enemy." - G. G. Allin

The Vitamin Feeling

I read somewhere that a special hallucinogen can lessen symptoms of depression, for weeks afterwards not just the next day. The last two days I have been optimistic and happy, so maybe their experiment was right.

I am going to a working interview tomorrow, at a cafe pretty close by. I am half hopeing I get to work there and the other half wants me to sleep in for the rest of my life. I am excited to make some money and get my car on the road.

I would kill someone for Mexican food right now
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The Vitamin

A few friends, josh and myself took a trip with kristina yesterday. My whole body felt like a cartoon, drunk and quirked somehow. Communication and mobility were especially difficult but incoherent screaming was easy
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The Dissapointment

So, New York isn't really working out. Things between Josh and I have hit the fan, I don't have a job, a car, or any money. I'm completely drained of any ambition or faith in myself to continue living like this. It has been close to 5 months since I've felt comfortable or happy. Upstate New York has nothing to offer me except the freezing cold, but I knew this all before I moved here. I have spent almost my entire teenage life chasing after my heart as it bounced from one boy to the next from one state to the next, I just want to be alone and not have to please anyone else. I want to go where I want and figure out what the fuck I'm still doing here and what I'm supposed to do in the future.

Every day I wish I owned a VW bus to drive down the pacific coast into South America. Off the radar, out of the system, 86'd from life. This will never happen, because 6 months from now I will still be suffering somewhere with no money, no car, and no ambition.

If it would make my family feel better, I'd crawl into a hole made of glass so even though I would be hiding from the world, they could still see me and i wouldn't feel so guilty.

I started this blog three years ago depressed, angry, and confused. I don't think anything has changed at all.

The Drive To MD

Josh, John Torn, and myself are on our way to Baltimore to see Integrity, Gehenna, Ringworm, and Pulling Teeth! Starkweather was supposed to be playing but I have heard that they are not. 5 hours on the snowy road in the backseat is the best.
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The Long Hair!

------Original Message------
To: Blogger
Subject: The Long Hair!
Sent: Jan 6, 2010 4:42 PM

Its been a full year since I cut all of my blonde hair off, and look at it now!

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The Truth Shall Set Me Behind

There is no way to describe the feeling of finding recent naked pictures of your boyfriend's ex girlfriend in his email inbox. The bad part is that I wasn't snooping, they were just there. I was looking for the recordings Mike was supposed to send us of our band practicing the other night. I wish he would've had a great excuse, too. But he didn't, and I am stuck here wondering where I should be stuck. The worst part is that I never thought he would do it to me.

Remember over the summer when she came to visit and it was the end of the world because I was the bitch girlfriend asking questions about why she was even there. I was reassured time and time again that she "mean't nothing," and was "just a friend." He has spent the last year making me trust him when she's around, but I'm not fucking stupid. Remember last New Years Eve when he was here in New York at a party with her "flirting" and "maybe kissing" and I had to hear it from the other side of the country? Guess who was the crazy one then too. This is making me question every single second that he has ever spoken to me, I don't know when he's told the truth.

He is my best fucking friend on earth. We wake up together, we eat together, we hang out together, we play in a band together, we go to sleep together, and to tell you the truth I don't think I could do that with anyone else. But now I feel like I can't look at him the same anymore.

If I wasn't stuck here in New York, I would not be here in our room. I'm stuck between a cheating boyfriend and being broke. It is quite possibly one of the worst places to be stuck. On top of all this, the job at the farm is boring and mindless work, easy money. I need something to occupy my mind, not numb it. Josh has already done that for me this week.

here are those fucking recordings anyways.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=SY66EFEJ

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=LVE4ILB1

The Let Down

I am running really low on money. I need 600 dollars to get my car on the road now, I still owe Josh's parents 600 dollars, and the bills are piling up. I dont understand how the world expects me to start living. I went to college, I moved out on my own without any help from my parents, I got a job where they treat me like complete shit, and I save money. But it's still not enough. I moved to New York so I could start a life of my own and be a responsible adult, but I just seem to be slipping farther and farther into a giant hole. Everyone is still dictating how I should live my life and making me do tons of shit that I don't want to do. And it's different from being younger because the shit I didn't want to do was homework or something ridiculously easy, and now there are consequences. I work so fucking hard week after week and I have yet to get anything rewarding out of it.

On top of all this, Josh's sister hates me because I didn't go to two dentists appointments that she made for me that I told her to cancel because I don't have any insurance or money. She calls me today and tells me she made me another appointment for this thursday and she wants me to watch her kids on wednesday.

I wake up every morning wishing I hadn't, just so I could avoid all the bullshit that everyone else throws on me. I wish i owned a camper van so I could drive down the pacific coast off the radar and live on the beach. I hate this fucking country and I hate everyone around me.

The Cro Mags Part 2

I saw the Cro-Mags play last night at Bogies in Albany. Let me start by saying that I will never attend another show at Bogies. I have tried my hardest to stay away from tough guy hardcore assholes, and now I know where they all coagulate. Besides this, people were going off for the fucking Cro Mags per usual and I was completely enjoying myself. Right Brigade cover was righteous. The best part of the night was watching them soundcheck. Josh was playing in the opening band so we got to watch the magic happen in an empty room. We heard them cover Banned in DC and 12XU (minor threat version). I don't think anything could ever top that. Wow.

There is much more Cro Mags to see, and I know this isn't the last time.
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The Passive

It is 5:30 am and I just got back from passive aggressively leaving my job. My last day was to be Friday, but I decided that I didn't feel like dealing with their shit today so I left him a note saying adios. He has fucked me over so many times in the last three months that I've worked there, that I didn't really feel like helping him out on our largest production day, or ever again. It was an extremely shitty thing to do to your employer, but he is an extremely shitty person so I don't feel too bad. Work should be challenging, not incriminating.

My new job offers me health and dental insurance, about 3 more dollars an hour, and it's in the field of my choice (which is primarily bread baking).

No more fucking pastries, pizza dough bagels, and improper techniques. I feel like I'm actually going to be able to use my schooling at this new place, instead of being taught everything over completely ass backwards.

By the way, it snowed about 6 inches yesterday, and its the most snow ive ever seen fall in my life. We built a snowman with a mohawk, unfortunately he killed himself shortly before I left for work this morning.

The Snow

It started snowing on saturday and it was beautiful. Very cold, but beautiful. I am about to quit my job on wednesday. I am nervous because they are going to be huge assholes about it. I think if they are I am just going to walk out and never go back, what can they do then? If I just never show up and never answer their phone calls, they can't punish me for quiting. I still haven't heard anything from the farm, but its my fault. I took so long to get back to her, I just had no time. I'm not worried about finding a job, I'd rather be jobless for a while than have to work at this place. Plus, the asshole was going to make me work all the week of christmas so he could go on a vacation AGAIN. I'm covering for him this entire week because he is on vacation. On wednesday I'm giving him my weeks notice, so I don't look like a giant asshole quiting the week before christmas, I am the giant asshole quiting two weeks before christmas. Ugh, I just can't deal with people yelling at me. I chose the wrong career path.
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The Fleeting Year

------Original Message------
To: Blogger
Subject: The Fleeting Year
Sent: Nov 15, 2009 9:15 PM

Halloween came and went, I've just been making it rain for the past couple of weeks. I've been saving most of my money. My shitty car is still not on the road, its been almost a month. I feel like its cursed, I don't quite trust it yet. I have a job interview at this new place, I don't really like the place I'm at now, and I don't make enough for the amount of slave work they're giving me. I forget that since I have a degree now, I should technically by the law of good business, be getting paid at LEAST 10. There are very few college educated bakers up here, they expect a lot out of me. The holidays are coming up and I'm about to work very long hours. I will be rich at the end though. I want to pay Josh's dad back partially, and get a tattoo! Its been a while. I'm not sure what I want to get yet. I think I deserve a reward.

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The True Love

------Original Message------
To: Blogger
Subject: The True Love
Sent: Oct 26, 2009 11:15 PM

I wish my body was fueled by Miller High Life so I could drink it all the time, it is truely delicious.

Josh and I started a band with our friend connor, we don't have a drummer yet though. We've written 4 song so far, I'm singing and I guess I'm a bit nervous but I think I will just have to be a little drunk before we play. I don't mind. I tried Jameson today, it was better tasting than Fernet. I really hate it, even though it is fancy.

My weekend is over, time for work again. When I think about, my job is really not that bad. I wish I got pain more.

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The Fall

------Original Message------
To: Blogger
Subject: The Fall
Sent: Oct 12, 2009 4:23 PM

Fall has arrived in New York. It's getting very cold, there hasn't been a day above 55 since the start of the season. I've just been working like a dog and losing lots of sleep. I still haven't found a car and I still don't have any savings really. We've been looking at apartments but that is a long time coming. Living with Josh's parents is hard, and I'm uncomfortable. Some days I really feel like a fool for moving here, it isn't any more glamorous than any other place I've lived, maybe just a lot prettier in the autumn. I think about moving back everyday, but I came here for Josh and he isn't going to budge as long as rent is free and the band is still together. I feel stuck.

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The Final Product

The final product of my personal life ruining is dull. New York is not anything like what I dreamt about for years. To be honest with you its like Portland with more people and lots of unnessesary advertising. I really miss it there, even the shitty hipsters. I go to work most days at 3am and work between 10 and 13 hours a day. I like the job, just not the hours or my sexist, extremely Italian, boss. It is not at all glamorous, most of the people who work there are over 40, except for the sluts who close at night in the cafe.
Maybe I will convince Josh to move back if the band goes sour, but I doubt it. I feel a little trapped. I don't have a car yet, either. I'm currently at the band practice, but going to these make me angry because its mostly them fucking around and playing a few songs every few minutes. It makes me feel silly for moving out here so Josh could play with them again. I really miss Safeway and nice people, even if they were a little fake. Maybe I just need to toughen up.

Things are really hard right now.
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The New York Life

I'm here! been here for 'bout 2 weeks now, everyhing looks really different and real, thre are real houses like we've seen in books and lots of real trees and real people. I'm glad to be here. i got a job working as an assistant pastry chef at a good bakery in a historic old town. I'm excited to start over and have things of my own. expensive responsible things. manhattan tomorrow!

----------
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The Northeast

I am sort of in the north east states now. We are about to cross into Ohio from Indiana. We tried to get hot dogs in Chicago but sat in an hour of traffic instead. Luckily we got some delicious food from a co-op in Madison in the morning before we left Wisconsin.

Josh and I ate at L'etouile on Friday night, where his friend is cooking at. I feel honored to even been able to eat there, the food was so incredible. It's sad that we have to go to places like that to get fresh, real food. It's a luxury to be able to eat food that hasn't been packaged, preserved, or processed. I could go on for hours about this, l'll stop myself.

We took a few strolls down State St., in the trendy part of Madison. There were a bunch of college-kid marketed shops, a few mediocre pizza places, and one very cool record store called Ear Wax.the sign said "punk and metaI" on it so we definately wanted to see what was up. I bought an Infest back patch, so kill me! I know I'm not crusty enough for it, but it was five dollars. Josh got a rare Melvins tape for 2 dollars.

The cooks snuck me into a few local bars. Since all the college kids were back it was sort of easy. I saw a lot of puke and some dude peeing in the middle of the sidewalk with zero shame. All in all Madison was really really fun, everyone wanted to have a conversation and/or use our cell phones.

We are skipping the rock n roll hall of fame because we are running dangerously low on cash. And all these mother fucking toll booths on these mother fucking freeways are using up all my change. Only 10 more hours till Philly.
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The Half Way

We are about half way on our road trip to New York. We decided to skip out on a few things because we are running legitimately low on cash. We aren't going to the Rock N' Roll hall of fame because we heard it was lame for the price, and we're skipping out on Hershey because it's way too expensive to get in right now. We are staying in Madison Wisconsin for another day to check things out, and thats where I'm blogging from right now. A coffee shop in trendy Madison Wisconsin. I feel so lame!

We have eaten some really delicious food and some really horrible horrible food. We are off to Chicago tomorrow, then driving straight to Philly for the Lightning Bolt show and then to New York.

The Second Guess

I've spent this week being pissed off, I can't help it. I'm broke, have so much to do, and I'm trying to please everyone at the same time. I'm having second thoughts about moving now, but I can't stay here either. It's days like this when I wish that I never moved to Oregon in the first place.

The Room

I've been sitting in the chemo room with my grandma since 9 30 this morning. I've been trying to sleep but I can't because I feel like death is watching me. Everyone is in surprisingly good spirits, but there's this dark cloud that creeps in every once in a while.

This man who left a little while go had a Phd in economics, his wife was talking about all the awards he's won. He could barely speak, he had lung cancer. It was sad to listen to this woman speak about her genius of a husband who can't talk at all now.

Death is so scary, not because it might be long and painful, but because its the end.
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The Loss of Trust

If it isn't obvious, I've got some issues with trusting people. So when I do finally come around and after months of good times, you deliberately betray me, I have a legit reason to lose my fucking mind with anger. The two people I trusted most out here have me questioning their motives.

Danielle, one of the best friends I've made out here, tried to get me fired from the place we both work by trying to make me look like a psychotic liar just because she went back on her word. It's all handled now, but I will never trust her again.

Josh's ex girlfriend is in town which is awesome to deal with. He keeps calling her his "friend" which I'm not doubting but she still is his ex girl"friend." And plus when he got back from New York after Christmas all he could talk about was how much he hated seeing her. After that I knew there was still pent up feelings, which sucks. I felt like he lied to me on Friday night involving something with her yet he still thinks he did nothing wrong. I'm not trying to be that girlfriend, but I can't help feeling like there is something I should be afraid of. I know having her here puts him in a weird place but I'm sure it's even weirder for her. I want to be nice can't you tell? But I can't, because we're girls, and even though we don't know each other we hate each other just because Josh is in the middle. I'm protective, and if I wasn't, it would be like sitting on the freeway with my chest cut open waiting for my heart to be run over by on-coming traffic. Plus her and I are completely different people, so I'm told.

Call me what you must, but I'm not into letting my boyfriend get snatched away by some east coast nature girl who hurt him once already.

(reppin' the west coast till i die!)

The Remaining Days

There is just about two weeks left until the great American road trip goes down. Its starting to really hit me that I'm leaving the last part of my family. I left my immediate family, and now I'm leaving the very last bits of what I have left. I hate leaving my grandma just as she's starting to lose her hair, I can see all the stress on her face now.

In lighter news, yesterday was my last day in the kitchen at Oregon Culinary Institute. I'm really going to miss all the chefs and my classmates. I could go on for days about how much I love that school. I'm really excited to get out there and put my skillz to work, for money.
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The Cutest Kitty

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The Few Weeks

Only a few weeks left to pack until the giant road trip/move. We haven't started, we're lazy. We are making quite a few stops along the way, but if we're driving THAT far, i better see some cool shit.

We decided to camp most of the way there except for in Madison, Wisconsin where Josh's friend lives. Here's a list of places we'll be stopping at;

1. Maryhill, Washington. There is a giant replica of Stonehenge here, the northwest is so weird.
2.Butte, Montana. we will camp and eat here.
3.Yellowstone, Wyoming. We will camp here! I hear there are some wicked hot springs here too.
4.Mt. Rushmore, South Dakota.
5.Wall, South Dakota. Wall Drug. I heard this place is fucking silly.
6. Murdo, South Dakota. 1880 Town, fuck yeah.
7.Madison, Wisconsin. We'll stay here for a few days.
8. Chicago, IL. Wiener Circle! <- - - completely worth watching
9.Cleveland, OH. Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame
10.Pittsburg, PA.
11.Hershey, PA. FUCK YEAH
12. Philly, PA.
13. New York!

I am so excited for this trip.

In other sad news, a man was beaten to death by a bunch of kids on a full MAX train last night. Only in Portland would a man be brutally beat to death while a train full of selfish, careless assholes sat there and watched. You're cool for what you've got Portland, but your people suck. I can't wait to leave this fucking town.

The Bad Dream

Lately I've been having a lot of bad dreams. i woke up one morning last week crying because I dreamed of hanging out with my brother and sister and then losing them in a mall. It really made me miss them. The only time I get to hang out with them now is in my dreams, so when they're over I get really sad.

Yesterday morning I had a dream that my Chef was screaming at me for ditching school on Tuesday. It was pretty scary because that dude can yell.

This morning I had a dream about an old friend's shitty snaggle-toothed girlfriend ganging up on me with his even shittier ex-girlfriend, it wasn't too bad though because I got to tell them off in the dream too. People suck, even in dreams.

Even though this is almost completely unrelated to my bad dreams, it correlates with bad friends.

The more and more I don't talk to you the more I realize what a shitty person you are, and how you hurt me in more ways than i can count, and also that it's not okay. I don't call you anymore because I can't talk to you without thinking of all the shitty things you've done to me and other people. Its sad to think that I thought you were the only one on earth who would ever be able to trust, and it turned out the exact opposite. You don't agree with the way I live my life, or moving to New York, and I'm okay with that. And don't call me when she starts fucking any of your other friends.

Like I said before, I'm leaving all this shit behind me on the west coast, including our friendship.

The Tilly Cover

The Return to Normalcy

I've been back from California for about a week now. Josh has been on tour with his band since Monday and won't be back until this coming Monday. The house has been so lonely without him. Nyx and I just hang out all night after school and watch the Food Network. She has become a very cool cat, she just kind of hangs out all the time. She learned from the best!

I think the trip to San Francisco was a huge "closure" between me and California, now I have to say goodbye to Portland. I told my grandma today that we were moving and she looked really sad. This was after she told me she'd be starting chemotherapy in two weeks and will be undergoing treatment for 4 months. I hate leaving her in the middle of all this complete shit (there are no other set of words I can use to describe this current situation, I'm trying to clean up my mouth). Being in the kitchen has definately worsened my sailor mouth. Even my Chef today told us to "pay attention and don't fuck it up." All jokes aside, he rarely curses. He sings the theme to Alladin more than he curses. The food service industry is a strange, and some times very drunk/high, world. I'm excited to get a new job doing what I love, but I'm not looking forward to the hunt.

Off to a weekend of work, and cleaning for when Josh gets home!

The End of the East Coast and I

I made the trip to my Uncle Shaun and Aunt Jessica's wedding this past weekend, all the way from Portland to Tahoe alone! It was a long and tiring trip, especially with no AC in my ill equipped car. It got into the 100's for a few hours and I felt like I was on the brink of death until I poured 3 gallons of water over my head. Besides the terrible heat, I got to see my family and some other family I haven't seen since I was in diapers. I made the trek back to Pacifica earlier today and upon entering the city limits I dropped my iPod into a cup of water. It will be a very long ride home.

Being back in California makes me want to be back in Portland, where it's never too hot and I can get a wholesome meal for under 5 dollars on every corner that I'm not afraid to eat. I used to love this busy life, but as I've grown over the past year I am yearning for a life more simple and less plastic. I've spent my entire life on this coast, and I think it's definitely time for me to step out of this box. I mean, just a few years ago I was burning boxed German chocolate cupcakes in my oven, and now I'm almost finished with culinary school. The next step is to completely remove myself from anything comfortable, and the only way I can do this is by packing up, sucking back tears, and moving to the east coast. I've dreamed of it for years and now I have an opportunity. I have been warned that it lacks glamour and grace, but I'm okay with that. If you know me well enough you know that "grace" would not be within the top 1,000 in the list of adjectives describing me.

I've gone on long enough about my eagerness to reinvent my life, so for everyone who ever doubted me, for every bad grade, for everytime I embarrassed myself, for every year that I have spent feeling insecure, and for every time I doubted myself, this is me telling you to suck it. I'm leaving it all behind in the Pacific Ocean where it belongs.

The Official Move

I am moving to New York on August 24th. Due to circumstances beyond my control Josh and I are being forced to leave a little earlier than planned. As much as I am excited to see new things I am sad to leave Portland. I won't miss all the hipsters and passive aggresive behavior, though. I am ready to finish school and start my career. The best thing about working in kitchens is that it's fun and you get to do what you love while building a career. I feel like I will be constantly learning for the rest of my life if I choose to do so. There are always new recipes to try and new things for you to invent.
I'm confident that things will work out for us, no matter how shitty things are right now. I'm surprised to hear myself say it but its true
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The Messy Room

Its impossible to keep our room clean.
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The Sweat Leaf

Most of the time I am completely ashamed of a certain part of me. Not physically, but mentally. The only thing on earth that keeps me from having panic attacks and lets me sleep at night, is not at all accepted by society. I have no health insurance, and I don't want to fill my body full of pills that control my brain, so self-medicating is the only thing I've got. I wish everyone else could see and understand that this is something that cures me of my daily bouts of depression and restless stress that is not a federally regulated chemically enhanced super-drug. People spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on medication and therapy for something I can cure myself, if people just opened their own minds instead of letting others tell them what is wrong and what is right, maybe they would save a little heartache.



"I first met you, didn't realize
I cant forget you, for your surprise,
You introduced me, to my mind
And left me wanting, you and your kind

I love you, oh you know it

My life was empty forever on a down
Until you took me, showed me around
My life is free now, my life is clear
I love you leaf, though you cant hear"

-Black Sabbath Sweet Leaf

The Future

My uncle is getting married to his girlfriend of 8 years at the end of June. They have two kids and I think they really love each other. My uncle is the only person ive seen grow from child to adult, so its really weird for me to see him as a married man with children and a house when just a few years ago (or so it feels) he was kicking me out of his room and getting busted by my grandma for a mass amount of CO2 cartridges in his drawer.

Speaking of my grandma, a month or so ago she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had surgery last week. She is always depressed now, especially since we found out that the cancer has spread and she will still need chemotherapy.

I also watched Synecdoche, New York last night which has me in a weird mood about dying and the future. I have no clue where I will be 5 years from now, or even 6 months from now. I am almost afraid to live because I am so afraid of dying. My mom always tells me to think positively and enjoy my moments now, but how can I be positive about the end?
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The Overworked

I've been extremely weird lately. I've felt and acted extremely unlike me for the past week and I don't know when I'll start to be myself again.

I don't know if I'm making the right decision with school, am I cut out for this? It's so competitive and I'm so shy. Should I move to New York or should I stay in Portland? Are Josh and I going to be able to stand each other for much longer? Is my Grandma going to be alive for my Uncle's wedding?

I ask myself these stupid fucking questions all day long and I can't concentrate on anything else. I wish I could rewind to when my mom and I were still getting along so I could kill myself and never have felt all the shit that came afterwards.

The Live-In Boyfriend

Now that Josh and I officially live together, the way I saw things hopefully panning out is not the way things are working out. We are both so busy all the time that the only part of the day we get to spend together is when we're both exhausted and in desperate need of sleep. I feel like we're just living around each other. The Josh I knew a few weeks ago is not the Josh I know now, and I feel like I am different too. The things I swore I'd never do for a spouse, I'm doing, and I don't hate it. It's freaking me out. I'm folding our laundry and making our bed and cleaning our room. Some girls dream about this kind of shit, and I'm questioning it.

The Time

or the lack thereof.

Since I started school have absolutely no time to do anything besides school, work, sleep, and eat...maybe. In the last three weeks a lot of shit has gone down. Josh moved in officially on the 28th and it's been great so far. Having him around all the time makes life much less stressful. He's currently working three jobs, so he's never home except on mondays and tuesdays. He's quiting both of the part-time ones so he'll have more days off though. I'm not really home too often myself. I am at school 32 hours during the week and on the weekends I'm working. We have surprisingly found time for each other though.

Today I am battling the stomach flu virus. It's not too bad, I got to take tomorrow off of work and I'm pretty sure I lost a few pounds. Hallelujah!

The Chocolate Filigree

Look at how poorly I am doing making beautiful pictures out of cornettes
with chocolate filigree! Seriously, if those fucking cornettes were
easier to fold maybe my hands wouldn't be exhausted by the time I got to
the fun part.

The New School

Today was my 4th day in baking and pastry school. We learned how to use
the ice cream machine and we made cinnamon ice cream! It was delicious.
I've been learning a lot, expecially things I would've never figured out
on my own. There is a lot of information to remember but I memorized how
to make every drink from working at Starbucks so far so I think my
memory bank can take a beating.

The First Day of School

Today it feels as though I am back in kindergarten. I'm learning the
basics of baking, which is math. I am struggling, but I'm doing it.
Currently I'm at another lonely night of biscuit baking. Sometimes Josh
has to make things other than biscuits like pies or cornbread kits, and
waffle mix, which I am now incharge of. It's pretty easy. 24 eggs, 6
tbsp of yeast, 4 tbsp of vanilla, some amount of flour, 1 gal and 5 cups
of milk, and a ridiculous amount of melted butter.

Work tomorrow and sunday. UGH

The Chef Coat

First day of school tomorrow!

The Suit

Ain't it cute!

The Tattoo pt. 5

Scott Harrison at Atlas Tattoo kicks so much ass it's ridiculous.

The Eating Habits

I have to drink peppermint tea at 2am because I am feeling so nauseous.
I've been eating so poorly ever since we got back from California. I
haven't been eating fast food either, at all! Josh just makes food that
is fucking delicious that also happens to be horrible for me. I always
feel sick to my stomach, sometimes really light-headed, and it's getting
really annoying.

Blerg, I hate and love food.

The Insider

I've been reading "Get In the Van" by Henry Rollins about his tours/life with Black Flag. I've also read "Smile, You're Traveling" by Mr. Rollins. Just by chance, Josh and I decided to watch "The New Guy" on netflix last night and Henry was in the movie as the prison warden! I was so weird to see him in a movie because I feel like I know him on a personal level after having a glimpse into his mind with all those journals he's published. I really look up to him as a writer and as a person, he's extremely courageous and intelligent.

Getting a black flag tattoo on the 25th. I feel like the bars have just been a trendy tattoo to have at shows these days, but I legitimately love them. The lyrics, Ginn's guitar sound, Keith Morris, Henry Rollins. So many great things have come out of that band.

I've been really frustrated with people telling me what to do and judging me lately. Whether it's my mom, or Josh, or Jake, or my Grandparents. I'm getting really exhausted. You all say you love me, so why won't you just let me be happy and stubborn?

My Dearest Joshua

when I feel like I've got nothing else, I've got you.

The Missing Posts

I've been posting constantly with pictures from my phone, but apparently they aren't making it here.

Shit has been rough the last couple of days. I quit my job, i got to that breaking point and I know that I have more options than that. I would rather be poor and happy than a little less poor and miserable.

Been having weird dreams that are really vivid every single night, some good and some bad. Received my tax return of 600 dollars, Josh and I decided to blow some of it on tattoos again. His is going to be more ridiculous than mine. We're going to Scott Harrison at Atlas Tattoo again, he has done great work on both of us before, so I'm looking forward to it.

Josh's parents are visiting from New York on Monday, I'm more scared than excited.

The New Deal

Everyday I think more and more about moving to New York, part of me is super excited and the other half is hesitant. It's really far away first of all, and the second thing I'm worried about is finding a job. I won't be able to take much with me so I'll have to sell a bunch of things. It wasn't until I moved to Portland did I realize how many childlike things I still own. I'm trying to grow up, I just don't want to.

I've been looking up things about Albany and it looks like it'd be a lot of fun to live there. Come September I'll be out of school, and it seems like this would be a step forward in my life.


The news around the house is that we'll be moving into a new place way earlier than we expected, March 15th instead of April 15th. I haven't even started packing yet!

The Relationship Shit

I'm getting really sick of the whole "you're wrong, I'm always right"
bullshit, really fucking fast. I hate relationships I hate being
involved in something I can't just walk away from and forget about.
Fuck people. All people.

The Spring Dress

It can also be worn in the rain....

The California Trip

Going back home was definately weird. We got a lot of stuff done, I ate the places i wanted to eat and Josh inhaled every thing I put in front of him. I seriously doubt if he chews his food sometimes.
It was really nice to see my family and finally see my brother and sister. I'll post pictures later.

I went to OCI today to take my English/Math test and I scored high enough to pass, so that's good news. The first day of school starts on April 10th and I couldn't be more excited. I get to get up every day and do something I'm passionate about, full time! Its like starting a new chapter in my life and yet another after school is over. I am so ready to start.

The Boyfriend Road Trip

The road trip to San Francisco with Josh is scheduled to take place on Thursday, which means I have tomorrow's full day to get everything ready while he's at work. Tonight after he gets out of work at midnight we have to go to Winco, which is this great employee owned grocery store in SE Portland that is really cheap and is also open 24-Hours. The only thing I hate about shopping there is that it's always full of people unless you go at 1 in the morning. It's so cheap though! They seriously sell all the Arizona teas for less than it says on the can. I usually stock up on them there.

Here's what I've got to do tomorrow.
-Go to an appointment at 10am that will take about 3 hours
-Drive Josh to work
-Drive back to my house
-Do the rest of my laundry
-Clean my room spotless, my grandparents are having an open house the weekend I'll be gone.
-Pack my bag
-Drive to Josh's house
-Get everything in the cooler
-Get all the stuff into the car.
-Pick Josh up from work.
-Get home around 1am

We leave the next morning at 8am. What a day tomorrow will be!

The Trust Shit

Being let down by someone i trusted with everything makes me wish i never trusted anyone in the first place, even you. The worst part is that I could never, even if I tried, hate you. And you know it.

People are such piles of shit.

The Excitement

In 58 minutes there will be only 9 days left until mine and Josh's trip to California. He got some extra time off so we're staying for 4 days now instead of 2, which is spectacular considering I was going to have to show him around San Francisco in only two days. The next couple days are going to feel like slowly climbing up the first drop of a roller coaster. I can't wait to see my sister, I literally will not physically be able to handle the happiness i will feel when i see my family. It seems like it's been longer than August.

6 more days until the remodel at work followed by 3 weeks of an unpaid and much enjoyed unemployment. I am only working 4 of those days, maybe three.

I can't believe I'm bringing Josh home to meet my family. It's so weird now that I don't live with my parents or anywhere remotely close to them, they have no idea how I live now. It's not too shabby, besides being extremely poor and unappreciated by 90% of the people I come in contact with on a daily basis, I'm a happy girl.

My new plugs are so heavy that when i bend down my earlobes hit my cheek, its really disgusting, but they are pretty. A very pretty pair of opalite double flared plugs.

The Doubtful Future

My hours have been cut in half at work and I'm getting 200 dollars less each paycheck now. I don't know if I'm going to be able to go to school and it's freaking me out. I can't find another job, and I couldn't handle working another job anyways.

i hate life, blah blah.