The Loss

It's been almost 3 months since I stopped seeing Josh, and you'd think after this amount of time I'd go back to my bitch ways and hate him, but I don't. As nasty as he's been to me over the past couple months, you'd think I would hate him but I can't, even for as much as he hates me. Our relationship wasn't the boy and girl holding hands down the block, but it was fun, comfortable, and passionate. Our non-existent relationship still has meaning, its hateful, spiteful, and disturbing. I never knew the person inside him that could be so cruel. I have kept my distance from him, I've stayed inside at night away from his prized territory, why wasn't it possible for people who are not associated with me to keep to themselves?

I understand, I'm doing a bad thing, but at this point what is the incentive to stop? There was a point about a week-in when i thought 'what the fuck am I doing? what have I done?' But there was something in the back of my head, an itch that I could not scratch, that kept me from being able to be in love with Josh for so long. I wish to something greater than myself that i would've never seen what I saw, because if i didn't then maybe I wouldn't have gone so crazy and been so miserable since then.

I thought i could replace him with someone who does all the things he never did, but i shouldn't be looking for a replacement I shouldn't be looking for anything at all. I just feel like his chapter in my life was ended too soon and it's all my fault. I don't know what to do when my significant other starts ignoring and avoiding me, my first instinct is to get out of there before he does. Well there's no going back, no good enough excuses.

It just really sucks to not have him to talk to, because I have no one on this coast who gives a shit about me now. All I want at this moment is to have someone agree with me that we were partners in this mess so I can die with knowing I wasn't the lonely asshole.