So, New York isn't really working out. Things between Josh and I have hit the fan, I don't have a job, a car, or any money. I'm completely drained of any ambition or faith in myself to continue living like this. It has been close to 5 months since I've felt comfortable or happy. Upstate New York has nothing to offer me except the freezing cold, but I knew this all before I moved here. I have spent almost my entire teenage life chasing after my heart as it bounced from one boy to the next from one state to the next, I just want to be alone and not have to please anyone else. I want to go where I want and figure out what the fuck I'm still doing here and what I'm supposed to do in the future.
Every day I wish I owned a VW bus to drive down the pacific coast into South America. Off the radar, out of the system, 86'd from life. This will never happen, because 6 months from now I will still be suffering somewhere with no money, no car, and no ambition.
If it would make my family feel better, I'd crawl into a hole made of glass so even though I would be hiding from the world, they could still see me and i wouldn't feel so guilty.
I started this blog three years ago depressed, angry, and confused. I don't think anything has changed at all.
2 comments:
I thought you loved the cold? Fuck the cold
I was cleaning my wallet and am I gay for keeping bart passes and a completely faded movie ticket from when we hung out?
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