The Overwhelming Feeling

The past month has been sort of rough, like a dark cloud hanging over my head. I have no money, its winter, my roommates piss me off, and I can't wait to get home. Connor and I are doing well, I just can't get out of this funk. I've had such bad luck, I'm just waiting for something to come my way. Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket, a cheap one.

I made the mistake of looking up the girl Connor drunkenly fucked years ago and she was surprisingly not hideous, it kind of made me mad. SO now I'm back to being down about ME, so I guess i should go back to the GYMahslkdjhvglhujsgb. I'd rather go to work than go to the gym.

Milo's testicles are getting chopped on Thursday so the piss extravaganza is going to be over soon, and i can go back to keeping the kitties together like they should be. AND we can go back to sleeping past 6 am, his MAAAAAOW-ing is keeping the whole house awake.

Christmas in two weeks! I'm broke but my sister really wants a zuzu pet, so I'm thinking of scratching my plans on going to NYC to see the tree in Rockafella Centa. The things I do for love!

The Turn Around and Explode

Things haven't changed too much really, I'm still reaching for that goal of getting home but every day it gets farther and farther away. Once again, my life is fucked over money, but i shouldnt be feeling guilty because it's not my fault.

I currently live in a house with 3 other roommates and Connor, we had a 5th roommate but she decided to skip out on our verbally agreed rent situation so we were left to pay her tab. This was pretty much my phone bill money, so it got shut off. Its so rainy and windy here it looks like the apocalypse outside. Winter is quickly approaching and I'm not looking forward to sitting inside. At least we got to move rooms and we have a bunch of new gaming systems to play with.

blerg. i hate everyone.

The New Deal

I have figured it all out, think. For the past couple of weeks Connor and I have been brainstorming places that we could move when the lease is up. California has always been at the top of my list, and I had my heart set on San Diego. I think I'm ready to go home though. And by home I dont mean living with my parent, we (meaning my mom and I) have agreed that this is NOT an option. And I don't mean pacifica either, because frankly I will never call that shit hole full of shit hole people my home. If I move back I'm going to live in San Francisco, yeah it's expensive but I'm a hermit and every dollar I spend on rent will be put to good use.

If it's anything I've learned by floating around for the last 20 years it's that no matter where you are you should be with your family. I never thought those words would ever come out of my mouth but it's true. I found something that makes my life stable and that's food. If you like what you do you are going to like your life, I just had to go out and find what I truly loved more than hating everyone and that's cooking and baking. I also had to find someone along side of me who I could learn from and someone who could learn from me and that's Connor.

He's teaching me how to be a social butterfly again. To talk at the people who you can't stand instead of being offended by their stupidity and arrogance, which I have to do quite often living here in New York. The difference between him and everyone else is that he wants a family, which means he is really mushy inside (but I won't get into that for your lunch's sake). He wants to meet my family and I know they will just adore him, he fits snug like the last puzzle piece In my life and I can't wait for them to meet.

I also can't wait to be apart of my family's life. Olivia and Jagger need a person in their life to be the mediator between parent and friend, and I had that in my uncle Shaun. I want to teach them common sense about things my parents will tell them to avoid because they're parents and that's what they're supposed to do, like friend problems and boy/girl problems. In all honestly I'm just coming back to disapprove every one of my siblings suitors, no one will ever be good enough for my baby brother and sister, maybe I just feel that way because I know some day soon they will be crushed by the opposite sex so badly they want to die, and I want to be there for that.

I also want to take them away on some weekends to give my parents a chance to love each other again. They never have time alone without a bedtime, and I want them to start sleeping in the same bed again. I understand my brothers a bit of a bed hog but they have been married for 8 years, they need to get a bigger bed or start acting like they love each other and TRY to love each other. I know they do, I've seen my mothers lovey eyes when she looks at him since I was 7 years old and I can't wait for them to fall back in love again.

Here's something else Connor has taught me, love can last. I was always a cynic believing that marriage can never work, but it can, I've seen it in his family. His mom and dad might not be together anymore but I can tell that his mom and stepdad David love each other very much. Thats why I like to go visit them all the time, they can deal with the stress in their lives because they have structure and teamwork in their daily lives. Everytime we go up there there is something new they've built together as a family in the garden or time they put in together working on the house, and I love that about them. I want my family to be this way too because it works and it keeps them healthy together, that's why Hannah and Jack are so smart and well behaved!

Well enough of my sappy rant, just thought you all should know I'm at a different place in my life and I'm ready to be apart of my family's. I'm ready to bring home the lessons ive learned along this crazy path that still has a few more miles on it.

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The New York Fall...again!

The golden leaves are back just in time for me to not be ready for the cold again. I brought all of my winter clothes out which was almost like shopping for them all over again! I quit my fancy job because it was making me unhappy, it's too serious for me. I like the pace of the cafe and the community in it. I also like having free time to enjoy my life. I'd rather be a little less wealthy and get to spend time with my friends and Connor after work, than be rich and never have time to do anything.

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The Alone Time

The entire month of September I spent ALONE at home and working like a dog. Connor left on tour with his band Anal Warhead for a month across the country, but I got him back in one piece. It was fucking HELL in case you're wondering. There is only so many times you can say 'i miss you, i love you, can't wait to see you' without wanting to off yourself and/or reach through the phone for a quick kiss. I'm happy to have him home again, it almost felt like a limb was cut off because living in this house really takes a team effort.

I love my roommates, but I am beyond the feeling of wanting to party every night and being irresponsible for my own shit. I also feel like I never got to that point. I never wanted to party every night, I'm a hermit, we cook dinner, eat movies, (smoke weed), and chill out. Connor is too, which makes our relationship easy and comfy. He's an aries and i'm a gemini, do your freakin research! We were meant to be.

The 500

This is my 500th post can you even believe it? I really hate reading back some times...my life has taken a lot of turns since the beginning but I still feel the same. Except I'm financially independent, I've started a career, and I've been through SIX boyfriends. I just can't make up my mind now can I?

Today I can say that I am content with my life at the moment. I have two jobs, an apartment I can afford, nice stuff (a new iPhone!), two kitties, and a darling boyfriend. I am more confident and I am less awkward, which is sweet! I wonder what I will be like in 5 years. Maybe I will be taller, you never know. The next thing I want is a whole apartment to myself, my own kitchen, bathroom, and living room would be excellent. But I won't be settling in New York, with the hours I've been working it looks like i'll have enough money to move when my lease is up. Working long hours isn't hard when you see the pay check at the end.

I'm proud of me! And you should be too, because you know I've gone through the fiery rings of hell to get here.

The Boy

This is the boy who left me for all of September to go on tour with his band and leave me lonely. I haven't felt an ounce of happiness since he left. Except rediscovering Sonic Overload Radio, thanks Ashley!

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The Cut

My hours at work have been cut to shit, but my second job is going well. I have this Saturday, Sunday, and Monday off, so I'm going to spend them hanging out with Connor until he leaves Wednesday for a month. I sold my Xbox and bought a Wii, which is awesome because all the games are adorable. I got animal crossing, mario party 8, rayman raving rabbids, and elebits.

The next month is going to royal blow. I'm not planning on quitting my first job just yet so I'll be working day and night for a while. Hopefully I'll start raking in the cash so I can start saving to move. The day can't come any closer, Albany is miserably hot and humid this week.

I got food poisoning for the first time last Tuesday which was a total blast, I just haven't felt right in the belly since then. I'm happy lounging with my cats and doing nothing, so thats good enough for now.

The Little Guy

This is my new little baby. I could resist having him in my life, he's a precious baby angel. He has bright blue eyes! I named him Juni. This cheered me up quite a bit, plus i got a new job! I'm going to be working pantry at this fancy restaurant. It's kind of weird that I'm not baking, but the place is so nice and the chef said he has no problem training me since I'm new to it. It seems too good to be true, but it's a new place and I do have SOME experience. I am not quitting the cafe just yet, but in the next couple weeks I will be. I'm excited to be back in a real kitchen, like I had when i went to school. I won't have to deal with customers and I have to wear the coat! soo excited.

I am starting a career, it's weird.

The Loss

It's been almost 3 months since I stopped seeing Josh, and you'd think after this amount of time I'd go back to my bitch ways and hate him, but I don't. As nasty as he's been to me over the past couple months, you'd think I would hate him but I can't, even for as much as he hates me. Our relationship wasn't the boy and girl holding hands down the block, but it was fun, comfortable, and passionate. Our non-existent relationship still has meaning, its hateful, spiteful, and disturbing. I never knew the person inside him that could be so cruel. I have kept my distance from him, I've stayed inside at night away from his prized territory, why wasn't it possible for people who are not associated with me to keep to themselves?

I understand, I'm doing a bad thing, but at this point what is the incentive to stop? There was a point about a week-in when i thought 'what the fuck am I doing? what have I done?' But there was something in the back of my head, an itch that I could not scratch, that kept me from being able to be in love with Josh for so long. I wish to something greater than myself that i would've never seen what I saw, because if i didn't then maybe I wouldn't have gone so crazy and been so miserable since then.

I thought i could replace him with someone who does all the things he never did, but i shouldn't be looking for a replacement I shouldn't be looking for anything at all. I just feel like his chapter in my life was ended too soon and it's all my fault. I don't know what to do when my significant other starts ignoring and avoiding me, my first instinct is to get out of there before he does. Well there's no going back, no good enough excuses.

It just really sucks to not have him to talk to, because I have no one on this coast who gives a shit about me now. All I want at this moment is to have someone agree with me that we were partners in this mess so I can die with knowing I wasn't the lonely asshole.

The Danger There

"Fools rush in where wise men never go, but wise men never fall in love, so how are they to know?"

So, I lied. I was wrong and all that, but theres no going back. Josh hates me, he knows Connor and I have been seeing each other for a bit. I can't say it ended the way i hoped it would, there were three days of screaming, crying, and lots of anger towards each other. I've been going on bike rides to keep my head out of the water, but this week has been too below average for my sweet taste. My hours got cut in half this week because August has been slow, and the job hunt so far isn't successful. A lot of places drug test, and thats not really my style. I don't want to work some place where they're concerned about what i do on my free time. At my job now i show up every day and I show up on time. I've called in sick one time since i started there in January, not too shabby for a pot head is it? I get my bills paid and my responsibilities taken care of, but outside of work I'm a different person, and thats the way it should be.

I've been hanging out with my roommates more often, and it's easier because they're out of the "scenester" loop, and they're on my side when i get the chance to complain about being harassed for three days. My house seems to be the only safe area now too, it's really the only place Connor and I can be without being afraid of outer drama seeping in.

And I've gotten a lot better at cooking, too. FOR REAL! I make something different every night, and the more I do the more I know. I successfully made a red thai curry last night with vegetables from Connor's mom's garden. And it wasn't disgusting! I'd make it again!

New tattoo also, from a super cool equipped roommate. They're California poppies!

The Decision

I've decided where I'm off to next. I'm pretty sure I'm going to shoot for San Diego's beach areas, I lived there as a kid and I'm looking forward to something mellow and charming. Its surprisingly cheaper than Santa Cruz, which i researched as well. No other cities really appealed to me, and I don't want to live in the Midwest. That cancels out a lot of places. I'm planning on getting a second job and getting the fuck out of here as soon as my lease is up. I'm not looking forward to moving again, but I am looking forward to something new. There seem to be plenty of food service jobs, and I want to try and sell some pies to local cafes, but theres a lot to be done before that.

I only have 300 or so more days left in New York. 6 months of that will be spent miserable again in the damn winter. The first thing I'm going to do when I get back is take my brother and sister to Disneyland!

The Weight

I feel like there is 1,000,000 pounds cozying up and making a home on my shoulders. There are people my age opening bakeries with money their parents gave them, or money they've been given because of a freak accident. It just doesn't make any sense, I've jumped through all the hoops, I've obeyed, yet I still don't get a fucking hand out. I want to open my tiny pie shop and nest my house full of cute things.

I got a letter in the mail saying that my absent father stopped making payments on the rest of my tuition last year. I owe them about 4,000 dollars now. I guess I was just too blind to see that people never change. He ruined my life from the beginning and now he's ruining my credit and making me poor. I also recently have been informed that i could die at any moment while driving my car because of the horrible rust underneath it. So now I'm car-less.

When am I going to getting a fucking break here? What the fuck must I do to stop life from fucking me so far up the ass that it makes me want to give up? Theres no way I can possibly fight back, except to be pissed off and sad that theres nothing i can do.

But I'll show you all. One day I'm going to have all that I want and get it by working hard. I wont take a hand out, I won't cut any corners. I am sick and tired of being shit on by everyone and everything in New York, I'm not going to take this anymore.

The Payment

The time has come for me to pay off my debt to a small town outside of Albany for all of the ridiculous tickets my hunk of shit car has acquired in the last six months. In the end of all this I'll have paid the town $150.00, and in my line of work money is hard to come by.
I'm getting sick of my job, maybe just bored not sick, but I am sick of being paid $8.00 an hour to do my boss's job and my own.

It has been recent news to me that my car is not worth fixing up, so the next step is borrowing a shit load of money from people who are obligated to like me through a disasterous marriage. Hopefully. If not, it looks like I'll be heading back west. I think it might be emotionally and physically draining for my family to have me back living there since I'm so set in my messy adult ways, I just can't bring myself to do it.

I don't know what it is, I just can't get happy. Maybe its the dullness of the days gone by but I am growing tired of waking up early, going to work, dealing with everyone else's problems, and then going to bed. I'm looking to get a second job once the cold creeps back in a few months, an extra hundred a week will get me back to the beach faster, I hope.

In other non-depressing news I'm thinking of starting up a food blog. I've been talking about it for a while now, but I'm finally getting some ideas together. Nothing fancy, just what I ate and where I ate it. With my witty imput of course! Maybe the occasional picture or two, when my computer crawls back from the dead I'll make the attempt.

The Hiatus

Sorry for the lack of posting, I've been in quite a bind for the last two months. Well I moved in, been living there for about a month and a half now, it's going pretty well. Milo is content and that's all I could ask for. I've learned not to expect much happiness in my life lately, so I'm just concerned with how comfortable my cat is.
Josh and I are no longer together, and that's a drag because not only did I lose my first real life love, I lost my best friend. The kind of best friend who doesn't put up with your shit and can read your thoughts. But he wants nothing to do with me so what can I do?
Things got out of hand at the last Graboids show, Connor got slapped and I got kicked in the back by said best friend. It honestly hurt much worse when he stabbed me in the back emotionally. But my back is fucked now, something about a pinched nerve sending pain down my left leg. What some people will do out of jealousy makes me fucking sick.

I'm planning my escape out of New York next June. I want to go back to San Diego but my budget is restricted and I won't make it alone, somewhere or anywhere else would be nice. There is nothing left for me to do in New York since I came here for Josh, so I'm ready to move on.

I'm making life work for now, just scooting by day by day. I wouldn't say I'm miserable but I'm broke, alone and pissed off.


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The Beginning

A lot has changed since the last time i posted. My computer is out of commission for right now, posting on a regular basis might be difficult.

I got the apartment I wanted (I think?). I move in on June 1st, its in a cute little neighborhood in Albany, close enough to everything worth riding my bike for. I am pinched for money, and I'm scared but I'm trying not to worry too much about it. I bought some furniture and got a kitten because Josh is keeping our Nyx. I am really torn between being a grown up and being Josh's little pet, because sometimes I like it. I don't know what the future holds, I can't even tell you what I'm doing for my 20th birthday on the 28th of this month. I hope i wont spend it alone, most of all I'd like to spend it at home with my family but on any given day that is what I'd rather be doing.

I haven't seen my mom, dad, sister, or brother in almost a year. I feel like this lost little fish all alone in a sea of red sauce. C'mon New York! Where the fuck is the mexican food? I am beyond sick of New York food. I would give up ever eating italian food again just for one damn carne asada burrito from Las Pasaditas in Portland. Looks like I'll be heading out there in July!

All i do is work work work and I don't hate it. It's weird.

The Pest

Life has never been forgiving, kind, or respectful to me. I am going to start taking shit back, like my dignity and the control over my own destiny. I am sick of depending on men to help me, a favor turns into a lifetime commitment and I am not a piece of property to be shuffled around.
I found a place to live in Albany, just waiting to hear if I got it or not. With my luck I'll be stuck in this cave for a few more months.
This has a little to do with the Josh I know now, one moment he'll be my best friend and the next he'll be my enemy. And if he says moving out is the end of all ties then that'll be it. I am sick of ultimatums.
Bizzaro world seems like it will never happen but I'm commited to making it work somehow. The entire universe is against me, I can feel it sometimes when I'm sleeping alone.

I had a dream last night that Josh and I were sent to a rehab facility. They said the only way Josh would get better was if we were seperated, so I got sent to a different one. I just cried the entire time, I sat in a chair all day and cried for Josh. He came to visit me once, he was all better with a giant smile on his face and I was still a fucking mess. For some reason Christian was there and we were smoking outside when Josh came outside and looked at me then walked away. There was something in his eyes, I don't know if it was pity or apathy, but it made me feel like the lowest human being on earth. I woke up soaked in sweat, I fell back asleep only to have the nightmare begin where it left off.
I was sitting in the chair, smoking again, watching t.v. when I got up to enter what must've been the mock dining room because it was just Josh sitting at a table with two plates of fancy food. I sat down and started eating it when I realized it was a familiar looking womb. Josh gave me the apathetic pity look again and walked away from me. I ran outside into pouring rain and he was gone, one of the counselors came outside and tried to talk me out of this fit of rage but no words could come out of my mouth. It was like I was a well person who was stuck in someplace where well people do not belong but I couldn't say a fucking word. I woke up furiously crying in a puddle of cold sweat.

The dream was so incredibly real I felt like I was waiting in that chair for a month. I don't understand the signifigance of it to my life, but whatever it was I don't ever want to go back to it again.
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The Unwelcome Matt

I have been living in Josh's house too long, I'm feeling unwanted. I am also feeling helpless in this situation, seeing as I have nowhere to go and no money to bring with me. I don't know how my life got this way, I thought I was keeping track of what I was fucking up and it seems as though I just wasn't paying enough attention. I've dug myself so far into this stupid fucking cave and now I can't get out without help.

I'm about to make a decision that will change the rest of my life forever, no matter which way it goes. Sorry internet, but you can't be trusted. Just know that my brain is eating my stomach alive and I'm in a shit load of pain. O mother where art thou? I need you.

And i don't want anything to do with men anymore. I love them for a little while and then I snap into destruction mode and tear their feelings apart. Sorry bout that.

Coughing Fit living room show was crazy, I always look forward to seeing them play. Picked up a foil cover 7"!

Back to the real world..

The Last Day

Today is the last day of winter, and possibly the last day of my sanity.

The Familiar Feeling

I've been hanging out with Quincy the hedgehog a lot lately. He's the only animal in our house who doesn't get enough attention, rightfully so because he hates it. He wasn't people trained as a youngin so he's scared of everything. Every time its too loud or too bright or you get too close, he curls up into a little spikey ball and clucks. I'm serious! He clucks!

On a different note, all of my stomach issues are making a vicious comeback. I was doing so well! For almost 8 months I could eat without feeling sick and wake up without wanting to puke, but now it's all back and I haven't eaten a real meal in about a week. I wish our country wasn't so greedy so I could have health insurance. I haven't been to the doctor in almost 2 years now because of it, and I don't think its fair, expecially because I have been working full time (and going to school full time for some of it) for the entire duration of those 2 years. Alas, I have never been offered affordable health care by my employers. Maybe someday in my future the people of my generation will ball up and overthrow the government, I doubt it, but the first thing I'd do as president is at least give everyone the option of seeing a doctor without having your bank account raped. But if you guys want to keep living your lavish lifestyles while the rest of us suffer, then I hope you're truely happy.
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The Spring

The time has come finally, for the weather to stop being such a frigid asshole. I got my car on the road just in time to enjoy open windows again. I was outside in shorts painting a picnic table for two days! It looks like a popsicle.

The Graboids finally have a demo and a Myspace page, check it out! Myspace.com/graboidsband. We played our third show last night, smoked too much and forgot the lyrics to our cover but whatever! It was a good time. Next show is April 14th with Crooked Teeth @ Oddfellow's Hall.

We are starting to make plans to move out, how exciting!
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The Most Painful Yet

Brutal stick n' pokes. I don't think I've ever felt so much pain with a needle in my entire life. You definately need to be drunk to handle this. Thanks Mike!
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The Turn Around, Maybe

Its hard for me to be in relationships, I guess. Some how I always end up being a bitch even if things in life are going my way for once. I just feel like I am wasting time. Josh feel like I am getting tired of him because I am starting to do things on my own again. I'm starting to figure out my surroundings and I want to explore them on my own sometimes. Is it that much trouble to want to be alone?

I, as you may know, am a very excitable person. I daydream constantly and I get worked up (good and bad) about the tiniest little things. Thats just the way I am. It's really hard to be with someone who is only excited when good things happen to them.

I am ready to come out of this fucking horribly depressing cocoon I've spent the last 19 years in, and no boy is going to keep me from it.

The Good News, Finally

FINALLY! After all this time i have happy news to deliver. I am finally getting my car on the road this tuesday, Graboids played an awesome first show at Oddfellows last saturday, and I am raking in the dough.

I did my taxes, i get 800 back. FUCK YES.

The Graboids played an impromptu show at J Krak's Sweet 16x2 party. I drank way too much, and fucking went for it all. I am very proud us! We are recording the demo very very soon.

I am working all the time but its easy and fun, I seem to be making a lot of money very quickly. When i get my taxes back I'm going to pay off Josh's parents for the move and get a tattoo! Then i can begin saving for our apartment which we can get also very very soon.

Everything is easy right now! Can't wait for everything to fall apart again..

The New Work

Cream puffs I made at the new work!

My new job is going really well, I make sandwiches, take orders, clean up, and hang out. I am learning how to run my own business by working at these tiny places. The fancy restaurant I wait at on sundays is tghe best place I've ever worked. I did the dessert menu for their new years ever dinner, and they decided to keep me on in the front of the house just until summer when I can bake and eventually bartend. I'm pretty excited to make some good money.

The restaurant was named one of the 25 best farm-to-table restaurants in the country, and its amazing that everyone who makes it happen is under the age of 26. I love the food industry, you learn something new at every place you work, everyone does it differently.

This will also be good experience for New York City moving time at the end of summer. It's cool to learn all these different jobs in the restaurant, I get to work a (sandwich) line, I wait tables, I get to be chef.

I'm thankful the job situation is finally settled. I have a routine now, which is weird, but I still get to stay out late every night. I don't mind working on the weekends, because it doesn't matter what day of the week it is, we still drink heavily.

Red Stripe is my fuckin' dawg.
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The Break

Josh and I decided to take a break from smokin' dat green, and we're sort of sticking to it. I'm not as sleepy I guess.

Tonight was an excellent Graboids practice despite the PA mystery and having to go buy a new microphone. We have a total of 9 songs now, and we're playing two covers. Our songs are short so it will be nice to fit so many songs in our first set. I hope people like us, shit.

Once our recordings are done we will start a MySpace Music page so everyone can hear a few songs.(Despite your nasty comments I happen to enjoy this style of music so check your fucking face).

I wrote a song about pizza and another one about hating straight edge nazis. The subjects vary, on a quite large scale, and the lyrics are all crap. Its hard to fit brilliance inside of a single minute of music that sounds like it's on fast forward. Darby Crash manages to do this extremely well and that is one reason why the Germs are/were fucking great. If you don't believe me read the lyrics to Land of Treason.

Having this blog makes me hate myself.
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The Recent Image

This is what I look like these days..
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The Mix

Tramadol + k + alcohol + green smoke, will send your body and mind on a very expansive trip through the inner workings of your brain. Look how funny I am! Seeing Josh's K face is HILARIOUS!

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The Interview

Today I watched GG Allin's last interview on Jane Whitney's old talk show, I had seen the beginning with the Club Kids a few times, but I never saw GG on it! I wonder what happened to the cop in the middle of all of them trying to make his point. It's sad that people probably will still agree with him too. It's hilarious how both the club kids (Richie Rich went on to do Heatherette!) and GG Allin are fucking legends now, and that cop is either dead or old and bitter still.

I like how in both the Jerry Springer interview and the Jane Whitney interview all the opposing opinions are coming from the fucking pigs, lawyers, and parents. Every person who could possibly hate punk more than anything on earth.

"Rock n' roll is the fury from within you, rock n' roll is revenge, rock n' roll is your enemy, and I am your enemy." - G. G. Allin

The Vitamin Feeling

I read somewhere that a special hallucinogen can lessen symptoms of depression, for weeks afterwards not just the next day. The last two days I have been optimistic and happy, so maybe their experiment was right.

I am going to a working interview tomorrow, at a cafe pretty close by. I am half hopeing I get to work there and the other half wants me to sleep in for the rest of my life. I am excited to make some money and get my car on the road.

I would kill someone for Mexican food right now
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The Vitamin

A few friends, josh and myself took a trip with kristina yesterday. My whole body felt like a cartoon, drunk and quirked somehow. Communication and mobility were especially difficult but incoherent screaming was easy
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The Dissapointment

So, New York isn't really working out. Things between Josh and I have hit the fan, I don't have a job, a car, or any money. I'm completely drained of any ambition or faith in myself to continue living like this. It has been close to 5 months since I've felt comfortable or happy. Upstate New York has nothing to offer me except the freezing cold, but I knew this all before I moved here. I have spent almost my entire teenage life chasing after my heart as it bounced from one boy to the next from one state to the next, I just want to be alone and not have to please anyone else. I want to go where I want and figure out what the fuck I'm still doing here and what I'm supposed to do in the future.

Every day I wish I owned a VW bus to drive down the pacific coast into South America. Off the radar, out of the system, 86'd from life. This will never happen, because 6 months from now I will still be suffering somewhere with no money, no car, and no ambition.

If it would make my family feel better, I'd crawl into a hole made of glass so even though I would be hiding from the world, they could still see me and i wouldn't feel so guilty.

I started this blog three years ago depressed, angry, and confused. I don't think anything has changed at all.

The Drive To MD

Josh, John Torn, and myself are on our way to Baltimore to see Integrity, Gehenna, Ringworm, and Pulling Teeth! Starkweather was supposed to be playing but I have heard that they are not. 5 hours on the snowy road in the backseat is the best.
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The Long Hair!

------Original Message------
To: Blogger
Subject: The Long Hair!
Sent: Jan 6, 2010 4:42 PM

Its been a full year since I cut all of my blonde hair off, and look at it now!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry