on break, sadly at work.

i feel i spend too much time doing things i dont like to do, because i have to.
most of them i am forced to do, except constantly being on the computer.
when i live in a house thats not mine, with none of my things, theres not much else to do.
i feel like im not taking care of myself, eating, totally not exercising in anyway except when keith and i walk all over.
im just, lazy. for some reason im slipping back into that depressed summer stage when theres nothing to be depressed about.
im happy when im with candace, or hanging out with keith, but all the other time i spend by myself, i think too much about things i dont need to think about just then.
i've been pondering calling my biological "grandmother" sort of, soon.
i can't call her a "grandma", she hasn't earned the title, and she never will.
i wonder what i'd say to her, "hi, you weren't apart of the most crucial 16 years of my life, but thanks for trying now," ?
i wonder if its even worth it, what the hell can i get out of that? it might open a door to my brain or to my entire self that i dont feel like opening.
im seventeen years old, and i can't get the guts to make a phone call. i think connecting with her pushes a bigger emotion on my mom than it does me, for some reason. i guess cause she can remember it all. but even when she called for the first time, my mom cried when she told me about it, telling me the only part when she apologized for being so terrible to my mom. But mom, what did she want to say about me? Did she even want to know about ME?
the thing about my mom is that she usually makes everything about her.
My "dad" and his "family" missing from MY life has FUCKED my life.
i have the worst trust issues out of anyone i've ever met, and i think being fucked over by someone who made you, has done it for me.
Maybe i should talk to russell about this, hes got my same story, sort of.
But the thing about my mom, is that when shes trying NOT to make it about her, she does.
I tell her, "mom i've been depressed my entire life, but dont make this about you," her direct reply was, "well im sorry i wasn't a good enough mother, im sorry I fucked your life up."
see what i mean? shes makes it about her even when shes trying not to.
she wonders why i hate being home, and why im never there.
Olivia wants me to run around, jagger screams 3/4 of the time, shes screaming at me to clean my room. god. maybe its the tensions of us all having to live so close now.

i just miss being able to be truely alone.

when im on the computer im getting put down by faggot ex boyfriends and im forced to defend myself against "friends" who i've "hurt" but i dont give two flying fucks about. i will not apologize to either of you, because i dont feel i need to.
candace is my best friend, cause she understands and shes not selfish. keith is my boyfriend because he cares and hes not an asshole.

i hate the rest of you.