The Hard Work

My job is so tough.

No but seriously, I have the easiest job in the world. I get to fuck around with the cutest little girls all day long, and I get paid slurpee benefits. Not to mention all the awesome food they have in their fridge. Its such a nice breath of fresh air to leave my house and watch these girls because they're so well behaved. They always listen and they like to help out, unlike my sister who is going through this major brat phase which in turn my brother has now picked up.

Mia, (the older girl pictured) is starting kindergarten this month, and I'm going to miss her! She'll be all grown up and she won't need me as much anymore. Just like Gully in Harriet the Spy :(

The Last Gasps

Everyone has been getting angry at me today for the dumbest reasons. I drove my drunk Dad home from a friends house and he complained about my driving all the way home, I should've made him walk.

I've been trying to draw for the last couple days and nothing is coming out right.

I'm just trying to take the last gasps of air, for sentimental reasons, nothing else. I really cannot wait another day until I leave this place.

Why the fuck is Shane West playing Darby Crash in a movie?

The Nursery Rhyme

My mom and I were talking about Katy Perry's song "I Kissed A Girl," and she was saying how she couldn't stand it anymore because it reminded her of a nursery rhyme. And I responded, "yeah a nursery rhyme for whores." Nursery rhyme, what the fuck? I've hated that song since the first time I heard it.

Now i don't want this to turn into the type of blog where I only post pictures of myself, but don't i look tough?
My hair was out of fucking control today, looked awesome. I appeared more "rolled out of bed" then all the 15 year old boys at the skate park today, but i smelled a lot better because I got new shampoo. Also at the skate park this morning, some dude who looked exactly like Ian Mackaye asked me where the bathroom was. I was in shock so all i said was "uhhh uhhhhhh around the uhhh corner." He smiled, said thank you, and walked out of my life forever.

I can't wait till i move out because I can walk around in my underwear again.

The Toothpaste

Let me just go on the record and say that I completely back Aquafresh's Extreme Clean Toothpaste. I was using it for so long and then my mom switched to this retarded 'gel' one, ended up with four cavities, and now that we're back to Extreme Clean i swear to you, my mouth has never felt so showered.

The Finished Product

The Drawing Day

Sat around all day and drew for tons of hours. Drew some stuff for Jake's new band.

Phase one:
Phase Two:

The New Collection

I went through a phase of collecting Jones Soda bottles, and Bart tickets. Now that I have almost 40 Jones bottles and well over 50 Bart tickets, i need to find a more space efficient collection.

It will be tattoos.

Now I've always said that I'll never get my chest tattooed, because its such a feminine place, but the more and more I look at pictures, i see it can be really beautiful if you get the right thing. This is way down the road, when I am a millionaire and can afford said things.

I'm pretty sure my next installment will be my feet. I drew up two designs that i'm sure I'll tweak down the road, but this is the general idea. Two upside-down crosses, with banners and a Verse lyric from "Blind Salvation." On one foot it will say "Arms Open. Heart Open." and the other will say "God Fearing. Still Nothing." I don't like the way I drew the crosses so I'm sure they'll be different.

I guess I should focus on getting my gypsy done next week...yikes.

The Random Hang Out

Mike picked me up to drive around because we were both raging about shit. Drove to Half Moon Bay, got ice cream, ended up in San Mateo's Hillsdale Mall Lego store and walked around like assholes for a while. Then I convinced him to let me drive, drove on El Camino which is extremely busy and it scared the shit out me. I didn't tell him I've never driven in a place so busy before, whoops. Got lost in some back roads, ended up by Notre Dame High School. He drove all the way back, decided to go see Step Brothers, it was a waste of my garage sale money. Will Ferrell is way past his prime.

I talked to Jake for an hour this morning, it was really nice. The whole time during the ridiculous movie all i could think about was how much I would've liked to just be doing nothing with him, anywhere, instead. I don't give a shit what we're doing, I just want to hold hands for a few minutes. It's been more than a month since I've seen him, and I won't see him again for a few more weeks.

I think the worst feeling in the world is missing someone, and its sad that the only thing keeping me from seeing him is money. I have none, no way to get to where he is.

The Rage

My unhappiness and anger grows every day in this fucking house.

"i never thought this would be your song. fuck, i never thought this would be my song. but thieves don't write songs, their victims write for them. i've never fucking said it before. i've never fucking meant it more. fuck you. fuck all of you."
Killing The Dream 'Thirty Four Seconds'

My entire family can go fuck themselves if they think I deserve to be constantly treated like shit just because their lives are a living hell. They should know at the age of 38 that your life is what you fucking make it. I'd kill myself before I'd let any of my relationships even come close to resembling the way the treat each other. I can't wait until I load my boxes into the van and never look back, I'll never cry a single fucking tear for all the hurtful words they've said to me.

When my mom and him got married he gave this big speech at the reception about how he wasn't just "gaining a wife but also a daughter to love" for the rest of his life. I didn't believe it then and I don't believe it now. I remember when I was about 15, and we had an argument over something ridiculous that led to my mom telling my step-dad if she knew he'd act this way towards me before the wedding, she would've never married him, and his response was, "you knew I was changing." I will never forget the times he's said things like this to me.

I sometimes lie to family who I haven't seen in a while when they ask me how I'm doing, i always answer "good," but now I'm going to start being fucking honest. When my real dad starting talking to me online i told him about how my step-dad is so 'great' just so he'd believe that I did alright without him around for 16 years. I lied, he's a total fucking dick who stole my mom away from me and turned her into an evil bitch. I needed my dad, I was only two years old, I need him around. And I still do, but its gone past the point of reconciliation, he's a mystery in my life I feel like he's not even real.

When I'm gone, I'm gone, and I'm never setting a foot back in this fucking house or this fucking town.

The Morning

I am deathly sick of my mom's mind games. She's been playing them with me since I can remember, and I'm fucking exhausted.

I fell asleep last night at 10 because I had only slept 5 hours the night before, and my limit for staying awake in a day is 12 hours. I woke up at 8 this morning and thought about getting out of bed before I heard mass amounts of screaming coming from the other room. My mom came in a 10:30 to tell me to wake up, because we were going to something deep in the city today. So i wake up and get ready, hair, face, clothes, cleaned the cupcake off my pretty shoes and asked her when we were planning on leaving. All of a sudden our plans are canceled and now we're just taking the kids (my younger siblings) to the park. I spend every hour of every fucking day playing and feeding and taking them to the park. She only told me we were going some place awesome so I would have an excuse to get out of bed.

I wish she had an excuse for being a gigantic asshole aside from the fact that her marriage has gone to shit.

"i hit a fork in the road everyday, no idea which is the right way, sick of feelin insecure, are my decisions worth living for? i doubt myself, i question myself is this worth my time? am i driving off a cliff or will i be fine where the hell is life taking me?"-Mental Fuck This

The Permit

The DMV loves me and gave me my permit. I passed my test and only missed 4 ridiculous ones. I know I'm a little old for a permit, but I have never driven on a freeway. My mom is letting me drive all over the place now and it's such a blast. It sucks having her in the car next to me the entire time because all she does is "watch this," or "watch that" or "check your mirrors!" She was telling me some bullshit while I was pulling into a parking space in a shopping center and I pressed the gas instead of the brake, good thing I have excellent reflexes. Bitch is a huge distraction! People cut you off in the ridiculous lanes in Half Moon Bay and it's soooo scary.

The Flames

I watched a house burn down today a few blocks from my house. They aren't sure what started it, but it's pretty sad to pull up a chair and watch a family's entire life go up in flames. I had a fire in my house when I was younger, thats why my baby book has all kinds of black shit on it. I've been listening to Ceremony a lot in the past few days, so when my dad and I saw the smoke all i could think of was "Kersed."

"Pack your fists full of hate take a swing at the world,
these kids stick to themselves carry angst in their words,
where we'll never be a part of this cursed fucking town,
so we stand amongst ourselves watch it burn to the ground,
burn to the fucking ground."

As much as i felt saddened by the tragedy going on in front of me, i could only concentrate on the kids I went to high school with standing behind me laughing and taking pictures. They had no respect for the situation in front of them, crying babies, exhausted firemen, the whole nine yards. I hate this place, and everyone in it.

The Nails

My mom painted my nails the other night a pretty ballet shoe color, she hasn't painted my nails since Junior Prom. She does this shit for a living, i should probably let her do it more often.

My hands are ugly as fuck, but so is your mother.

and check it out! im naked! just kidding, this strapless dress matches my eyes..

The Let Go

I'd like to punch you in the fucking face. What happened between me and Jake happened almost three fucking years ago. I don't feel guilty, I never did, and I don't give a fuck what you think about it. I have had absolutely nothing to do with you since we broke up almost a year and a half ago, and you can't fucking let go of something I did when I was 15. We weren't fucking married. I don't understand how your friends think they have the right to say such horrible things about people involved in a situation that wasn't and still isn't, any of their fucking business.

I fucking hate you and every fucking person you know. I hope you die in a pool of your own drug filled misery you stupid fucking bastard.

I might be scum of the earth, but I'm not afraid or ashamed to say I love Jake with all of my wretched heart. Always have, and always will.

The Descendents

Nothing With You is one of the sweetest songs ever, it was on the playlist Jake made for me. Yes, he can be sweet sometimes, don't tell anyone.

Listening to The Descendents makes me want to have children. Not at this exact moment, but sometime in the future. Just so that they will one day do/make something just as fucking awesome as this band.

U.S. Royalty by Hot Rod Circuit is also very sweet, and pretty much how i've been feeling lately.

"I will stand with my arms suspended 'til i hold you close.
break down those walls between us, let's be exposed.
just say what you want to, make it heartfelt.
is it selfish of me to keep you to myself?"

The Effort

Even with the lack of effort you give, one conversation was all it took to stop me from being angry with you. I miss you more than anything.

I'm sick of all this waiting, I've never been so bored in my life.

Found some sick quotes:

"There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won’t anymore, and who always will. So don’t worry about people from your past, there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future." -unknown

"Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetery"-Malcom X

The Remaining

I am super not down with chasing you around with phone calls anymore. We never talk unless I call you and I'm fucking pissed. Even when we do talk its just for 5 minutes, why is everything different now?

I know I'm not your girlfriend, fuck. I love you but I'm always crying over you for no reason. I wish all this shit wasn't so complicated.

my mom brought me home a cool jacket for the rain(?), but I'm still all angry. I swear I'll be listening to Ceremony for the next 24 hours.

The Mystery Medication

I went to see my doctor a few days ago, i just had questions about my ridiculous stomach and my panic attacks. She doesn't think I have acid reflux, which is exciting, but she does think it ties into my anxiety. She prescribed to me something called Ativan which i had never heard of. After looking it up online, i wanted to kill her. I asked her if the drug was addictive and she said "not particularly". Turns out, it's highly addictive and I want absolutely nothing to do with it.

"Memory functioning is markedly and measurably impaired, especially the ability to store acquired knowledge into long-term memory. This memory impairment is highly relevant to students. The risk of acute amnesia is more pronounced with short-acting drugs. Ativan (lorazepam), Halcion (triazolam), Xanax (alprazolam) and Rohypnol (flunitrazepam) are especially likely to induce such memory impairment." DrugRehab.net

This doctor was recommended to my family because of how easily she gives out prescriptions, and now I have experienced this for myself. I would rather deal with my anxiety and anger than poison myself with this awful medication.

My body freaks the fuck out under stress, but i'd rather feel it than feel nothing at all.

The Laziness

little sister's fifth birthday party, park, beach, phone calls, sunburned, lazy, exhausted.

The Greatest Luck

I'm not telling anyone. The only people who know are my family and Jake. As much as I want to brag and jump for the greatest joy about this, I'm keeping it all to myself.