The Visit

Brad came to visit me for a few days, I tried to show him around Portland but I'm a bad tour guide because i sleep until 1pm every day. I haven't really been online the last four days except to check messages, so I haven't had time to update. I took him to this really awesome bridge/walk that I have always been intrigued by. I've always liked that dark steel/red brick type of city look, you don't see that too often in San Francisco.
It was nice to see an old friend, and I wish the best for him in his future, it sure is bright.

The Helpless

The last two days I've been pulling my hair out. My Dad is still in the hospital, Jake could be sick, he's scared out of his mind and inconsolable, and surprise! I can't be there for either of them. I can't get my fucking mind off of any of it. At least Brad is visiting this weekend to take my mind off of it, which Jake is pissed about (understandably so) and I'm sure I'll be hearing about this for the next few years. I mean I would be completely furious if his ex-girlfriend stayed at his house for the weekend, making a road trip or not, so I can see where he's coming from. But the whole 'Brad and Me' thing happened almost 4 years ago.

I slept two hours last night, and had to get up for work at 7, came home and passed out at 9 and was awoken by non-stop text messages and phone calls for 30 minutes. So of course, now I'm awake and I can't fall back asleep. I watched Ace of Cakes and an awful/awesome movie called '200 Cigarettes' on TBS.f

Fuck it, I just can't win.

...but i trained myself to French-braid my own hair.

The Scare

Today has been one of the worst days of the year. My dad is in the hospital, and the doctors don't know whats wrong. For those of you who know my dad, you know he's a tough dude, he never goes to the doctor for anything. I'm really afraid that something is dreadfully wrong, and I can't be there to console him or my mom.

I received other horrible news about 3 hours later, and I'm not sure how to deal with any of this.

If i lose either one of you, I swear, it will be the end of any hope I'll ever have.

The Tally

So I can't help but notice i've had 10,000 + views on this blog. If you haven't read it from beginning to end for the last year and a half i'll sum it up for you.

People are assholes, I hate everything, and I miss Jake.


P.s. Brad is coming to visit me for a little while on Thursday. I haven't seen this playa in 3 years, so stoked.

The Lady Bug

I caught this ladybug right before my mom told me a family friend died. I cannot believe how many people we know have died this year, Uncle Frank just two months ago. They have all died in the most twisted of fucking ways too.

This lady we knew who lived downstairs from my great grandma would always eat dinner with us, come to family things, and she was a regular customer at Sanrio when I worked there. I guess her doctor told her that her life would be at risk if she ever got pregnant again, she was on the birth control patch, got pregnant but didn't know it, six months later (this last week) she comes into the doctor feeling weird, turns out shes in labor. She has another son, goes into a coma and dies bleeding internally.

Life is so fucked up.

The Reminder

Some times I remind myself to do, or not to do, some things. Like, never eat candy past 11 because it makes me sick, always bring extra change for tax, and never watch romantic comedies.

I watched 27 dresses with my grandma tonight, and now I remember why I don't watch them. They bum me out every time because I know love and life never end up that way. This slowly trickles back to how much I hate life and everything in it.

My life will never be a romantic comedy, and I will never be as skinny as Katherine Heigl.

"I feel like I just found out my favorite love song was written about a sandwich."

The Day Five of Real Life

Day five.

I'm lonely.

The new job

It's a desk job.

I added labels to envelopes for 4 hours, and now I need a manicure.

The 2nd Day of Real Life

This is what I look like on Day Two of my real adult life. Fucking exhausted, and haggard.

I've been doing nothing but unpacking and unpacking and unpacking. I'm trying to figure out how New Mexico is going to work on the time schedule I made. I'm stressing out about paying rent and finding a job and going to school.

Life sucks, i miss my mom, Oregon is weird.

The Order Part 2

Ordered some stuff I shouldn't have.
Verse poster, Scared People Poster

The Road Again

I'm on the road again. This drive is awful, incredibly boring, it all
feels a little unreal. My sister wouldn't let me go, she clung to me
like a koala bear. A lot of crying happened, and I'm sad to leave but I
know I've got to start my own life, as much as I don't want to grow up.

The Baby Shoes

I went to run some errands with my Mom this morning and we ended up going to this place called 'Barely Worn,' a children's consignment store. I found these tiny red converse high tops for five dollars so I bought them.

Now I don't have kids, i don't plan on having kids for a really really really long time, but I got them just to have for the future. Maybe its a girl thing.

I'm getting really tired of listening to my step dad treat my mom like shit, every day it gets worse and worse. I don't want to leave her here with him, I'm afraid of the shit that will go down when I'm not here.

The Bleach

I'm blond.

The Gift

Christa gave me a gift today, one of the most sentimental and meaningful (and not to mention beautiful) ones I've ever received.

She told me a story about when she divorced her first husband, and how afterwards she felt lost, so she bought herself this necklace. It says "Please Return to Tiffany & Co." with its own serial number. She figured if she ever turned crazy and someone found her in the street, she'd hope that they would return her to Tiffany's. When her life turned around she stopped wearing it, and felt like she no longer needed it. She understands that I am going through a huge phase of feeling lost, (especially taking a huge leap with my future) this weekend, so she gave it to me, her 18-year-old-self. I admire her so much, and I hope that when I have grown older that I will encompass a lot of the qualities she possesses, truly an incredible friend and person. I'm going to miss her and the girls terribly.
I baked a vegan banana/raisin/pecan bread thing, it's delicious.


Today I got a quarter back in change from buying an Arizona lemon tea, and it was a New Mexico quarter, I think it's a sign that I'm headed on the right track.

And by the way, I'm moving to Portland for a few months on Saturday, and after that it's on to Albuquerque.

The Psychopath

I never thought I'd have to deal with someone like this.

I bet you think you've done something really clever, by talking to Jake and telling him all these wild stories about us "having sex" and how much I hate him. You are mentally insane, and you need some fucking help before I get to you, Jake gets to you, my family gets to, or the authorities get to you. I have enough evidence against you for a lengthy harassment suit, and I'm sure your girlfriend wouldn't be too stoked to hear about all the shit you've said, and also how you flew all the way out here just to meet me.

Jake is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, and if you ever decide to say another fucking word to him, my family, or me, I swear to god you'll be having fucking nightmares for decades after I ruin your entire life.

The Bella

My dog was totally into me today, usually she's a lazy bum.

The Lifeless

I don't know if I've ever felt so drained. Drained of every emotion i can possibly feel within a few hours. I am exhausted from thinking of you and not being able to see you if only for a few minutes. I hate not knowing whats going to happen with us, and it's driving me literally crazy.

I don't know what to do when I don't have the answers.

The Dependency

I'm depending way too much on him giving a shit about me 6 months from now. I can't expect him to wait around until I get my shit together and move out there. I'm afraid for the shit I'm going to face within the next year.

Sometimes I wish I never felt this way about you, and that we never met. I don't know if I could ever handle losing you for good. This is usually the point where I want to walk away, but I can't walk away from you.

I'm tired of living my life paranoid and afraid of everything.

The Boxes

Today I listed to Jawbreaker and went through the ex-boyfriend boxes. I need to return Keith's stuff so it was a good excuse to go through Ryan's box too. I remember Brad saw the box in my closet one time, with all the letters and pictures from my boyfriends in middle school and stuff, it was so funny. But anyways, going through Keith's box was easy, it was just filled with tons of bus transfers, movie tickets, a few cds and some of his comic books. Ryan's box I've been avoiding for over a year, i just don't like remembering how much of an asshole I am sometimes. I reread all the letters, i keep them because they make me laugh still.

Talked to my Grandma for an hour about tons of stuff. I'm about 95% sure I'm just going to go to hair school, i don't feel like pursuing any sort of future career, but if I have to I might as well do something I'm alright at. I've changed my mind so many times, but I'm positive I'll just take the easy way out. Plus it's in my blood, my mom is stoked on it, she's done nails for almost 18 years so having her first born in a salon is like destiny. I feel the most comfortable in a salon anyways, i took my first steps in one!

The Tough Skin

I wish I was as oblivious as Bosworth.

I've sort of built a tolerance to bullshit, but I can feel it starting to weigh down on me. I feel like I've been consistently sick for the last 3 weeks. No one talks in this house, every one yells and screams, having a decent conversation is highly unlikely, so i always have a headache.

I also feel like I'm becoming one of those whiny teens who is depressed because their parents hate each other and fight all the time. It's not even the fact that they fight, they've been fighting like this since before they were married 7 years ago, but it's that I have to listen to it because it's extremely annoying. The walls are paper thin downstairs so I can hear every single whisper. Its especially distracting when I'm trying to do shit. I'm also starting to fall into this insane routine that is driving me nuts.

When I don't have work, I go to sleep every night at nearly 4am, then I wake up at 12, sit around all fucking day on the computer or watching television that I'm sure is killing my brain by the second. I just have nothing to do, I don't watch my little brother and sister anymore because my Dad stays home now. But the thing is, is that I don't want to go anywhere. Well, I do want to go places but not with anyone. I don't want to see any of my friends, I just prefer to be alone. I don't have friends here anymore anyways, burned those bridges months ago. Literally everyone I know and trust lives somewhere else, and being around shitty people just makes me want to kill myself, so I just don't talk to or hang out with anyone.

I stopped taking pictures, quit taking walks, and stopped giving a fuck about anything or anyone. This has been going on since about February, so I'm used to it, but I miss having something to wake up for every day.

"Right here, all by myself
I aint got no one else
The situation is bleeding me
Theres no relief for a person like me

Depressions got a hold of me
Depression-i gotta break free
Depressions got a hold of me
Depressions gonna kill me

I aint got no friends to call my own
I just sit here all alone
Theres no girls that want to touch me
I dont need your goddamn sympathy..."
-Black Flag Depression

I wish Jake was here, or even better yet, I wish I was where he is. I just miss cuddling at night, it was so easy to fall asleep there.