The Chance

Here I am! A brief moment in time to reflect on this week's improvements.

I started a personal journal, and when I mean personal, I mean not on the internet. After going back to read posts from years ago and having most of my personal life on display in metaphors since the sixth grade (all the way back at Xanga, wow.), I've decided to keep some things to myself. There are just some things that need to be said and not heard by anyone else...if you're following me.

"We are like roses that have never bothered to bloom when we should have bloomed and it is as if the sun has become disgusted with waiting." -Charles Bukowski

I am beginning to become disgusted with every single person I come in contact with. I shouldn't say beginning, because I've hated people forever, clearly. Albany really is a huge shit hole, but I've been here for the last two years so I can't tell whether it's everywhere or just New York. The other morning I was walking to work and a crazy homeless man was literally hurling text books at me from across the street, on a main intersection! I've never been afraid of the homeless anywhere else, there are more crazies here than I've ever seen in one place. This morning in the store-front someone left a wrapper from a blunt and an empty liquor bottle from the night before, I wouldn't be surprised if they we're camping out front all night.

I have seen police officers arrest numerous people for the most insane reasons here. A homeless man who is randomly stopped and ID'd on Lark St. (bar central) asks for a reason why he's being detained and is arrested after he throws his hands in the air in frustration. Just the other day we watched a police car pull up to a bus stop and just start asking for identification from everybody, when we drove back 15 minutes later there were 3 minorities in hand-cuffs. New York is hands down the most racist state I have ever lived in.

I am getting so depressed, at a time in my life when I just started to see the world in a brighter hue. I need to stop reading the news. As much as I like to be informed, all they have to say is bad news. There is so much hatred, anger, and resentment in every person no wonder why we all suck. If we quit being assholes to each other, there would be nothing to resent, but unfortunately it's a vicious cycle. In the end you can only help yourself.

How can you expect to see change in your world when you're sitting on your ass complaining about your life? I fell into this hole for so long. Someone once wrote to me on this blog; "Don't let yourself fall back into old habits." And every time I feel my old feelings of wanting to crawl into my cave, I tell myself that little diddy. You come to realize that you do make your own happiness. Even when life hands you a pile of shit on your walk to work, you can chose to walk through it or walk around it and continue on with your day. I am not letting tiny or HUGE piles of dog shit interfere with my happiness. So far, it's been working out for me.

If you can't live with all of the negativity in the world, you best make a positivity bubble around yourself. (<---inventing words/objects again) No one is going to do your dishes, your laundry, or pay your fucking bills, you shouldn't waste your life sitting around waiting for someone else to come and fix it.