The Scores

I finally got my SAT scores a few days ago, I scored pretty average. I
could've done better had I not taken it at 7am. I have only 2 more days
left here, which is a bummer. I'm contimplating making New Mexico my
back-up plan if I don't get into school in Boston, but I would have to
find a place to live. I can't afford to pay the mortgage on the house
and I don't want to be a burden on any of my friends. Today is Jake's
birthday, so we're throwing a party at the house tonight.

Happy Birthday Loves Pariah!

The Blank Space

A lot of me knows that he still loves her, but i don't care. I can't care, he's mine for this week.

The Familiar Happiness

Being back in New Mexico is the happiest I've been in the very longest time. I feel so at home and like myself again. I don't even want to go to Boston anymore, I want to stay here. I forgot how pretty the sunsets are and how well i fit here. I've already cried just thinking about going back to San Francisco.

For the last year all i've wanted is to be alone, and thats what i've done for the last few months. Now, waking up to Jake every morning has completely changed my mind. I never want to be alone, or without him, again. I know that its completely impractical and it will never end up the way I want it to, but I wish i would.

"So please understand that I don't answer the phone,
I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls,
Until I can see nothing at all,
Only particles, some fast, some slow,
All my eyes can see is all I know,
But I'm about to give this one more shot,
And find it in myself,
I'll find it in myself."

The First Day

I arrived in albuquerque this morning around 10:15, I had to be at the
airport by 6 so I had to leave my house by 4:30 to get to BART and take
the airport shuttle. I only slept two hours because I was too excited.
Its so nice being back home, expecially with Jake. We cuddled all day
and made weird noises, now we're at the practice space and I'm watching
the guys throw down some fr3$h b3@tz.
My health has been a little haywire today though. I felt extremely
nauseuous on the flight here and then I had a panic attack after we left
Dion's and now I've got a massive stomach ulcer type thing. I really am
getting tired of feeling so sick all the time...

the package

I am going to be a package tomorrow, sent via flight to Albuquerque. I will not be inside of a box, but i will be inside of an airplane. I need to make a list of all the things i need to pack, i think I'll do it here.

-8 Shirts
-My only 3 pairs of shorts
-Blue dress? Flower Dress?
-Pants(for god knows what reason)
-Under...things.
-Socks?
-Blue vans, new vans, paul frank slippahs, and the 'greek' sandals.
-Hair things (shampoo, conditioner, bobby-pins, hair brush, hair ties)
-Face things (make up, face wash, sunglasses)
-Smelly things (deodorant, lotion, sunblock)
-Goldie's Tutu
-The rest of the fun-dip
-Camera(s), batteries, recharge dock, film
-Books (I am america, freakonomics)
-Ipod IPOD ipod(&cord)
-Pajamas
-Bathing suits

i am forgetting a bunch of things, REMIND ME PLEASE.

Oh and also i just got back from seeing Death Cab at the Greek Theater in Berkeley. What a lovely time I had, which I will explain at a later date when it is not 1am.

The night

i spent two hours tonight painting this angry bear face. I didn't know what else to put on it so i just made a calming background, with cooling colors. Look how stupid he is! and then i had tons of extra paint left so..i painted my legs?

the unlucky sale

I went to sell bags of old clothes on haight street and only came out with 10 dollars. needless to say I was disappointed, but I gave the rest of the t-shirts to this little homeless guy who asked for them and he was really happy. I think giving someone else clothes they need is more rewarding than the 10 dollars.

Bought new vans, they gave me two sick blisters. It was also scorching hot today.

The TuTu

I kid you not, i spent all day Imaking a tutu for Jake's dog Goldie. I sewed it all together and bedazzled her name on it! I didn't use the bedazzler though, i sewed it all by hand, christ. It was worth it though, she'll be the prettiest girl in Albuquerque.

Today was also my brother's birthday, so we celebrated. He woke me up at 9 and I gave him some chocolate! Then i bought him a blues clues balloon at the mall and he was so happy. Then we played with his new toys and ate some cake. I can't believe he's 2 years old now, our little monster is all grown up and ready to skate and destroy, seriously. my mom and I are super related-looking in this picture.

the usual

This is going to be a usual rant about how I hate everyone and everything, please feel free to click away at any time.

I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.

But seriously, I'm pretty angry. I'm not sure exactly what about though, a jumble of reasons. I really wish i could erase my memory from August 2006 until May 2008. I learned a lot, mostly about myself, but its just left me angry. I'm angry that I let myself fall down the biggest hole and forgot who I was, where I came from. I'd forgotten what it was like to love things because I loved them, do things because I wanted to do them, speak when i wanted to speak without feeling insecure. I've become so shy and introverted, its hard for me to say no, but it doesn't mean I won't. Although I grew up in San Francisco, i still really feel like New Mexico is home for me, and I'll know for sure when I go back in 4 days.

I'm going back to be with the only person who knows who i really am. I don't know how many times I've said it, but he truly means the world to me. I feel so at home when I talk to him, I don't hold back anything and i never stop to think about what to say next. He reminds me what its like to be myself again, the person I loved to be when I lived there. I never had any problems with myself, i wasn't afraid and I wasn't paranoid. For example: when i moved here I was really into Set Your Goals, Eric and I went and saw them a month or so after we'd been here, but the whole music scene in California is so much different than New Mexico, the people were different and i hated being around them at shows. I hadn't worn my Westwood Tigers shirt, my On a Warpath shirt, or my Set Your Goals hoodie until recently. Well even when I lived in New Mexico, Ryan always made fun of the fact that I liked Cartel, and made me feel like the dumbest person on earth for not listening to obscure bands that only played at Sol Arts or never came to the U.S. I'm glad I've got Jake to be close to, without him I'd feel lost and I'd sit around my house all summer avoiding everything and trying to fix something within myself that is unfixable.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm glad to be going home, even if only for a few days. I know a lot of you feel like its the biggest shit hole in the world, but when you leave you'll see that no other place will welcome you the way New Mexico does.

*picture of my sister in our back yard in Albuquerque, right after the house was finished and we moved in, the backyard was just mounds of sand.

P.s. This is my 300th post!

The Burn

i am ridiculously sunburned, but the parts that aren't torched are ridiculously tanned, like my face. I pretty much lied in my backyard all day with my sister and listened to the Saves the Day Bug Sessions. I also took some silly pictures with my dog, i love her. It was really hot today.

5 Days!

The Elephant

Elephant was really, really good.

the hoodie

My package finally arrived, well the first half, which contained the hoodie i've desperately been needing for all the fog we've been getting lately. it fits pretty comfy, i will have to wash it so it will shrink a little though. i got the small, but they are men's sizes.

I'm leaving for New Mexico in 7, count them, seven days. I'm getting quite nervous to see Jake again, I've missed him but at the same time I don't know how weird it will be just me and him for 8 days. I think he might get sick of me! I know we're gonna party and cuddle and stuff, which is what I've been waiting for since he told me the news about West 44 touring out here (which ultimately never ended up happening and is the reason why i'm going there). I hope the next few days go by really quickly! i have some stuff to do to keep me busy anyways.
Tuesday: brother & sister party time
Wednesday: brother party time, sister's first day of summer camp, Ghost Hunters & The Real World !
Thursday: Brother's 2nd birthday, sibling swim lessons
Friday: Sell my old clothes (we're off!) just kidding. i 've got trash bags full, hopefully I'll make enough to buy some new vans cha-ching!
saturday: Mom's day off, jagger's birthday celebrationes.
sunday: get prepared for trip, sleep @ 6:30 so i can wake up at 3:00am to catch a 7:30 flight in OAKLAND. seriously, thats why i have to get up so early.

all of this followed by 8 days of bliss, and then 3 weeks of sadness, and then 3 weeks of happiness again.

The Crazy

The couch was swallowing me.

the lurk

i'm glad we're not 'officially' together, I would fucking hate some days.
i love you more than i should, but i can't help it.

up teh punx

When i was 13, my grandma and I rented SLC Punk. She took about 10 minutes of it and went to bed, she'd already seen all of it in real life with my uncle Shaun or something. I stayed glued to my seat like my eyes had never seen anything more beautiful. In all honesty, i didn't understand most of it then, but i knew what Steve-O was getting at. It changed my life so incredibly much, it created the very foundations of my anger.
As a girl it sucks to be pissed. You can't go to shows and thrash on someone's face, you'll probably get laughed at or not taken seriously. I guess i showed it in different ways. In middle school everyone thought i was sheltered, and to this day, some people still think i was. In all actually I've seen and been through more shit in my life than most of these assholes combined. I just didn't go around crying about it my entire life, does that make me sheltered? My parents kept and still keep a watchful eye on me but they never stopped me from doing anything, never in a million years would a sheltered child be able to go on their 18th birthday and get a tattoo as big as i did. I like the way my parents raised me, they kept me out of a lot of shit, and I love the person I am today. Thats not saying I never got in trouble with drugs or school or misbehaving, because good lord, I did.

I'm just as angry now, if not more, than I was 4 years ago. I've just redirected it into more sensible terms and reasons. SLC Punk was the reason I moved away from Hawaii, I came home from that summer, realized everything sucked and I wanted a place to start over. So we moved to New Mexico and learned that shit sucks no matter where you are, until you make it not suck.

I've never in my entire life walked around with my head hung low because I never had a father, or because we lived in the ghetto where our neighbor beat his girlfriend with a baseball bat in the middle of the street, or because we moved so fucking much. I walk around pissed because i feel like everyone i've met in the last five years (with a few exceptions) and everyone i will meet in the next five, are gigantic piles of shit. Nothing taught me this better than SLC Punk.

The Worst

I feel like a yo-yo, looking out through a glass of water, everything is
blurry.

the jaded insides

today i feel like an idiot. i will be honest here and say that I have not completely gotten over my jealousy issues. I know with you there is no point, there is a new girl in your life every week. It just sucks because I wish I could be there with you, but instead I just have to see the pictures. I'm not really sure what we are either, we can't be in a relationship because those things don't work so far away, but I'm not seeing anyone else, and I won't. Being without you is tough, but being with you might hurt just as much.

I feel like I've tricked myself into loving again, because I know when I leave you to come home I will fall apart. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself.


"You're up there,
took the stairs,
to the stars all alone,
You left all the lights burning,
but nobody's home.
i believe they deceived,
your tuneful heart too long"

the familiar feelings

Ever since the summer of 2006, I get into these huge depressive moods. At least once every two months or so I'd just be so sad about everything for a week, for no reason. It stopped for a while after march, I was sad that entire month, but anyways, its back. I shouldn't be sad at all, everything has been going so great lately.

Christa is paying for the rest of my tattoo, i don't want her too but she insists. I will work it off.

None of the things i've ordered have shown up yet, and I'm getting pissed. I payed 18 dollars in shipping all together for two items and it was supposed to be here in 2-3 days, i ordered on Monday. It better be here tomorrow for paying so much.

11 days. The new Alkaline Trio IS really good.

the effects

i don't know whats wrong with me, it's scary.

the golden touch

Rivers can do it like no other. I'm convinced he's the sweetest guy on earth, sorry jake. You had me at "El Scorcho!"

the aggression

Aggression by Verse, is unbelievable.

Vincent is coming in two days.

I'm staying awake until Jake gets home safely on a bus from Arizona that came from California at 7 this morning.

I bought a new hoodie, cause i felt like it, not because i needed it.

2 weeks! i need to buy some more shorts.

the music moods

i failed to mention that I've officially been posting on this blog for a year, it was sometime around last week. this time last year i was desperately in love with the wrong person, and also I was a total asshole. I mean, I'm still really mean, but I've toned it down a little. I found other things to hate instead of the people around me, it's not their fault they were so retarded.

I noticed that i listen to a variety of music. Some days I'll be in an indie mood and I'll be obsessed with Neutral Milk Hotel or Bright Eyes, and other days I feel like listening to Minor Threat or Rites of Spring. Then there are occasional days when I feel like listening to dancin' music like M.I.A. or Daft Punk, and the Ed Banger crew. Today I am in a Set Your Goals mood, I forgot how much I love them. Mutiny! reminds me of moving here to San Francisco and being really pissed off, and then Eric Lovato and I went to the Less Than Jake show to see Set Your Goals play and we left right after they played because we had no interest in the other bands. I think we paid 30 dollars or something, thats when i realized that shows in the bay area are so much different than shows in New Mexico. I never paid more than 15 dollars for a show in Albuquerque, here i pay at LEAST 20 for even the smallest venue. I'm not complaining though, I've gotten to see a lot of great bands I wouldn't have been able to see in Albuquerque.

2 weeks until I visit Jake, i couldn't be more excited.

the much needed break

i am have been too busy to even write here, which saddens me. Graduation is tomorrow and i've had to wake up at 7:30 the past two days to go to graduation practice. I am excited, but nervous that I will trip in my new heels.

i bought my ticket to New Mexico tonight, i'm leaving in 19 days for 8 days. Jake and I are going to have so much fun, we're going to Denver for Warped Tour for his birthday. I miss home so much, but i miss him even more.

the tattoo

i really love what i finally decided on. It's big, but its how i wanted it, it wouldn't have worked well any other way. my parents are going off the fucking wall, my dad is telling my mom that she should've told me i couldn't. honestly, what the hell is the point of turning 18 when you still have to ask your parents to do things? i wanted a tattoo for so long, and I'm glad i got something that I drew, that i love. Its scary to think that this tattoo is turning my family against me.

i am legally obligated to listen to their shit because i live with them.

FUCK