The Exhausting Circle

I don't want to be at work today, nor yesterday, or the day before. I'm getting really sick of the run around of things. We have been so slow lately that everyone is under prepping and I'm running out of things left and right, it's annoying. Saturday is usually busy so there should be more prepped, and that person should have been me to do it, but I was too busy catching up from yesterday's lunch I had no time to prep for breakfast. I feel like I'm running a one-woman-show here, everyone is so fucking lazy.

Today is my one shitty day out of the week so I shouldn't be complaining. I am always complaining.

We've had three bands stay at our house this week, all foreigners, all has been well except a little inappropriate ass grabbing (sorry, I'm a prude, but I have respect for myself) and the Czechs not knowing how to use a fucking bathroom apparently. Paper towels do not flush, the toilet seat is for sitting, not for breaking. Luckily the cats aren't too mad at me for having too many guests, I've actually gotten my Milo back. He wouldnt even come near me when we lived with Connor's dad because Connor's dad is in love with Milo, and I think the feeling was mutual. He is back to his cuddly kissing self, Juni is the Nunester as always, just doin' her thing. I like commas today.

He's getting so big!

Now that we're basically settled into the house I am definitely more comfortable, I am enjoying dinner and movie nights with my friends :)

That being said, I am taking a much needed break from alcoholic beverages. I haven't been 21 for a month yet and I can't even tell you how many times I don't remember coming home, this needs to end! I am fucking my stomach up, I feel like shit at work, and bad things sometimes happen...

The Dead

All of this emptiness at work is giving me reason to write. It sucks that all of the assholes I don't miss while they're gone over the summer just happen to be our customer base, because we've been dead at work all summer. Lets just see what topic I can exploit today for my own amusement..

SLEEP

I haven't felt like I've gotten a good nights sleep since last week, and it's killing me. For a while I didn't get that early morning dread of having to pull my lazy dreaming face from the pillow, but it's back, the sound of my alarm is like nails on a chalkboard. I guess it's better than my mother's voice, I honestly believe it was part of the reason why I was so mean to her. Anyone who has to wake me up on a daily basis will subconsciously become my morning hate target.

Sleeping has always been a hassle with me. As a kid I would lie awake until 4 in the morning making pictures out of my ceiling, and as I got older I learned how to do things silently in the dark to not wake up my parents. I used to sit on the floor and sew with my machine with the tiny light and a book lamp during the summers. When I moved out of my parents house in California to Oregon when I was 18, I learned the magic of marijuana, and ever since then I've been able to sleep at night. It's costly, but for actually being able to fall asleep at night, it's worth it.

My sleep has always been prone to react to my surroundings, if I'm sleeping in a stressful environment I toss and turn and wake up in the middle of the night. Living at Lancaster I felt like I never slept, especially in winter. When we moved to Connor's dad's a few months ago, I don't think I've ever gotten better sleep than that. The good feeling has continued into the new house, but just this week I've been noticing a difference. I think I need a break from things, more like people.

My vacation couldn't possibly come any sooner.

The Drive North

After this weekend I'm not leaving my house for a month. I feel like I've been hungover since Saturday, it's now Monday morning and I can't wait to crawl back into bed. On Sunday I took a trip to Buffalo, NY to see a girl punk fest, it was alright. I got to see the band i went there for, i don't know if it was necessarily worth it, but now that I'm back from that terrifying drive home I guess it was worth it. We spent ten hours in the car yesterday, crammed into a van with 7 people. I don't even want to get into what a horrible time that was.

I'm getting really sick of things again, I want to revert back to my house and I am almost pissed off when there are people there I don't know. Not because I don't like them or whatever, I just don't feel like being social in my own house. I chose cool people to live with because they're the only ones I felt like would respect us and our belongings, as well as know when to fuck off when I'm in the dumps. I guess this is the Gemini in me, torn between two lifestyles. I love to go out but at the same time I am awkward and by the end of the night I wish I didn't go out. And plus, there is so much drama in Albany you can smell it in the air, this is one of the things i absolutely hate about this place. There is drama everywhere, but everyone is so miserable here I feel like they bring the drama on themselves most of the time. If you're gonna talk in public, everyone is going to know what you said, there is no such thing as privacy or secrecy anymore. I can't wait to have zero friends, honestly. I'm getting sick of the same old routine, I'm just sitting back and waiting for someone else to fuck me over.

I'd love to live in the country like connor's parents do. In the middle of butt fuck nowhere living the dream, raising intelligent children, farming, cooking, working and living together. They have the occasional neighborly visit but all they need is themselves and I strive to be that way someday sooner than later I hope. I still have things to do and see here, my good times being ridiculous are not over. But I have a feeling the smelly and I will be acting a fool forever.

The Drank

Literally, the only thing keeping me from puking right now is keeping my fingers moving and thinking of how shitty this blog post is going to be.

I went out last night for my girl Ashley's 24th birthday and decided to stay awake till 2 am taking shots of rum and chiefing some marijhuahua. I knew right then and there I had work at 7:30 am, but my drunk person is brave. I tried not to whine as much as possible, its my fault, but the power of being a manager is paying off all too well. I got someone to come in and work the ass end of my shift so really I'm just killing five hours on this couch because it's pouring rain and no one eats when it rains I guess. It is really easy to kill time on the internet.

Burping alcohol the next morning has got to be the worst feeling on the planet. Tequila doesn't sit well with me and I started the night out with a margarita of my own as well as Ashley's massive birthday drink which was a free kiddie pool of drink mix and double tapped tequila. Maybe I should stop talking about this, it's occupying my brain with the worst thoughts.

I'm supposed to be going with some friends to buffalo tomorrow to see an all girl punk fest, but at this point I am NOT looking forward to it. The thought of waking up on my own and spending a rainy day inside is looking exponentially better than sitting in a van with 7 people for 10 hours. Although I do want to see the bands, I'm a hermit. Sunday is my only day off during the week too, god, what am I thinking. If Connor wasn't playing I would DEFINITELY say 'fuck it' lets watch horror movies in bed, but Anal Warhead must go on.

Eating toast and napping as soon as the counter girl gets in...

The Wave

My Juni and I have been feeling the same way about the heat lately. The cats sleep in the window sills while the rest of us sweat our asses off. This heat wave is crushing, especially when you work in a kitchen with no air flowing. It was almost 100 degrees yesterday!

The Monotony

Holy shit! I have readers. I mean, at least one, which is cool. :]

only 50 something days left until the California trip, i can't wait. I'll be making stops at all of my favorite food places, Japan Town, the wharf, the sourdough! I will eat mexican food every day. More importantly I can't wait to see my family. My sister has been calling me every day since she learned how to use the phone, I'm excited to be there for her 8th birthday. I can't believe she's fucking eight years old. I remember holding her in the nursery, hearing her first cry, and cuddling in the early morning in our parents bed waiting for the arrival of my quickly descending baby brother. Even though we're 13 years apart we are really close, even with all of this distance over the past 2 years. She is my little weirdo, my oli, my only sister.

I wish my parents could see New York and see where I've been all this time. I almost don't want them to come to my current neighborhood, it's not dangerous is just disgusting. I live right on the outskirts of the college ghetto, in the infamous city where in celebration of "Kegs and Eggs" (the made up college holiday before st. patricks to wake up at the crack of dawn and start pounding keystones) the students flipped cars, damaged property, and lost all respect for themselves. This worked in favor for all the people who had to clean up their mess, they had all of theirmade-up celebrations cancelled for the rest of the year. I like my location because it's close to my work and a walking distance from all of the places we hang out, but the students here are disrespectful, dangerous, and complete idiots. A lot of them are rich trust fund kids from all around the state. I've seen more garbage and violence/drunk ass fights in this area already than the entire time i lived next to the projects in my shitty house. I can't wait to leave Albany and go some place where people have ideas and creativity, but for now it's home. The summer has started and most of them have left, but they always come back.

I forgot to mention mine and connor's one year anniversary! It was a blast, we went out to an insanely expensive restaurant and we drank a lot of wine. I love you Mr. Hogan!

EDIT FOR RANTING://

So now that I'm the front house manager of the cafe, I thought it'd be awesome. And sometimes it's definitely rewarding, I'm at the top of the totem pole, but some days I like to strangle my phone and pretend its the employee on the other end. The summer brings slow business for us surviving in the college ghetto, there aren't that many hours to go around, and splitting it between 5 people is even harder. Everyone wants more hours, yet I have one girl who doesn't show up for two days and bitches about not enough hours.

The Follow Up

My 21st birthday came and went throughout memorial day weekend, as it always does. I didn't get wild and crazy, man, in fact I took it fairly easy. The joy of being old enough to drink where everyone else does decreases the likelihood that I would want to lose my mind on fruity carbonated alcoholic beverages, I would much rather enjoy feeding the jukebox (which is now touchscreen, you're fucked johnny rocket) to play "don't stop till you get enough" sipping on a delicious hard cider or blueberry wheat ale.

The move into the new place went easier than I thought, despite the fact that it was blazing hot for the 4 days I had to unpack. I'm not done. I'm lovin' the house, I love living with my friends, it makes my life 50% easier to know when I come home I can actually relax without getting pissed off at my shitty living situation. Work has been slow, the college students left the area for the summer so we've been closing early, but this means more time off for activities! Like New York City trips (35$ train ticket to huge angry wonderland), new tattoos, and park time.

We bought our tickets to california which means it's official! Next month I'll be on the beach again! And maybe I can get away from these allergies for a little while.

The Vacation

I will be taking a very much needed vacation back home to San Francisco with Connor at the end of July. By the time I'm done moving in the house and working all summer, I'm going to enjoy the shit out of myself and not waste a day. We started the transition into the new house last Thursday, the place was left disgusting so we've been scrubbing and painting all week. I chose a nice and neutral..turquoise..oh well. My room is small, but I won't be in it 80% of the time, I'll actually get to enjoy the living space with friends.

I took a mini trip with Connor to New Haven, Connecticut on Saturday and it was awesome! We went to Ikea and ate a lot of good food. Yale university just happened to be graduating that day, I've never seen so many yuppies in my life! We also visited the Rare Book Library and walked around campus for a couple hours. I got some awesome pictures too!

I also became 'manager' of the cafe, which is my first ever title above 'fun-ployee'. I'm movin' on up in the world!

Moving is stressing me out. I can't figure out how to please everyone, but then i guess you never can..I'm just counting down the days till i get to see my family. I wonder if it'll be weird, they haven't met the "new" me. I'm a different person in many ways than when I was 18, and I haven't lived home since then. I haven't seen any of them in two years, and i get to see my ENTIRE family. I can't wait for them to meet Connor too, he will win them over with his boyish charm.

The Forget or Forgive

Let me start off by saying forgive me for not posting, and don't forget about me.

Things have come around! I moved out of my shitty house earlier than expected and was graciously offered a place to stay at Connor's dad's house with him until June when we move into our new house. We moved out almost a month ago and it's been smooth sailing ever since. I haven't gotten worked up, no depression, no anxiety, no runny noses from mold in the walls. Connor's dad, Brian, couldn't be easier to live with, his sister, Keely, lives there too. She recently let me snag some of her old clothes and came out with a drawer full of awesome things! I love their family so much, we had Easter brunch with Grandma & Grandpa Hogan at their house with some of the whole family. They are so easy going and hilarious! I actually look forward to family events with the Hogans.

In other exciting news, I love my new job! I've become the pastry chef and I'm about to be the front end manager as well. All of my co-workers are awesome, my boss is awesome, the food is great, the hours are perfect, the pay is not great but worth it for all the other perks. And to go along with this awesome job, we just got a house on the same block! A four bedroom to split between Connor and I, another couple Ashley and Chris, and the lone shark, Dan! I love all of them, they are such chill, genuine people and I can't wait to have more good times with them.

Of course for every bit of good news, there is bad news.

The stalker problem finally rose to the surface and I had to handle it. I was in the mindset that night to not let stupid Albany people bother me anymore until the overzealous cunt wouldn't get out of my face all night. Even after i fully engulfed her face in my punch and she fell backwards into a crowd of people, she still wouldn't leave me alone. This turned into an embarrassing screaming match in front of a lot of drunk people who have more than likely forgotten, but I haven't. And the next time I see that skinny bitch I'll be on the offense.

The stupid asshole problem has yet to be resolved, it's been close to a year since all of this started. Going as far as Oregon to sleep with one of my best friends was a sad, expensive, and sorry attempt at payback. Her flirting was a nice way of saying, "I'm too mean to say you're disgusting and/or no thanks." I wonder if he'll fall off the face of the earth any time soon? If it wasn't for Connor, I'd really start to believe that every man on the face of this earth is a filthy, lying, thieving pig.

In the end my biggest problem is forgetting. And it's not that I don't remember, I remember all too well. I can't forget about the way the story really goes, and all the people who've turned their backs to me after I was victimized. I also can't forget about all the mean things that were said, a time when Connor was blacklisted from Albany. Its such a shame how much one person's loud flapping well of a mouth can snowball into the biggest lie that has ever been told about me. I won't forget and I never forgive, because when you do, they turn back into the devil on horseback.

I keep wishing on those karma stars, but when I really think about you and how miserable you are behind all of the medication, the drugs, the talk, I can only see a boy hunched over in a chair shaking with nervousness who covers his mouth when he's uncomfortable.

The Drowning

I can't wait to move out of my fucking house.

I moved into a house with 4 people I didn't know and that was the worst idea, ever. I just went to the first place I could afford to get out of a hellish relationship. Theres been talk of us not getting back the 1000$ security deposit for some bullshit reason, and before I pay rent on March 1st I want to know for sure. If we aren't getting it back I'm moving out before then and living with Connor and his Dad until June when we can get a place with our friends Ashley and Chris.

I'm tired of being dicked around by some asshole holding the books, making me pay out the ass for the worst house I've ever lived in. Despite my shitty roommates existing I have to exist around all of their shit, literally, dog shit, human shit, cat shit. I shouldn't have to see this much shit in one day.

I can't wait to wake up in the morning to a quiet house around people who aren't going to ask me for outrageous favors, chain smoke with the windows closed, or scream at each other till three in the morning about ex boyfriends. Things will be at peace and harmony, I'll be able to think, breathe, live, again.

I fucking hate my shitty house.

The Followers/VDAY

New Years Eve pictures finally surfaced..yikes.

This is the first time I haven't been able to sleep in months. I usually pass out and sleep like a rock through the entire night, but I napped too late. Connor took the nap to a whole other level and has called it a night. Funny how our sleep changes when we are where we are.

I can't believe I actually have followers on this thing. I've been writing my angsty shit in here for years and it's finally picking up some steam. I'm not really sure anyone trying to get to know me should read this electronically filed garbage dump of a blog. I do have happy days too, ya know.

Valentines Day was amazing, the best. Connor took me out for sushi at our favorite sushi place and then to play pool! Which doesn't sound very romantic, but it holds sentimental value in our relationship, and it was fun. He bought me FLOWERS my favorite color, which I'm sure you didn't know was yellow. He went out and bought himself something nice to wear, but he didn't need much guidance, he's a man who cares about his appearance (sorta) and I love it. We looked real nice and I wore a really loud dress in his favorite color which is yellow. He bought me chocolate and a giant stuffed heart and a giant stuffed cupcake...he really knows my taste. We came home afterwards, watched a marathon of intervention and drank some wine. It couldn't have been a better Valentines Day, and it must've been good because I can't remember any other time I enjoyed celebrating the 'holiday.'

At least once a week one of us always has to take a second to come back to reality and remember all the shit we went through just to be together now and it really is one of the craziest/worst/best year of my life. It was all worth it though, I can't imagine the position I'd be in now if I never went for the prize. It's really a shame that Connor's name has been dragged through the dirt the most in the end of this, because he really is the most caring, gentle, generous, and compassionate bear I've ever known. Things are looking up though, people seem to be coming to their senses (a little). It's been about a year now since the drama llama walked into my life, but I said goodbye over a month ago.

In other spectacular news, I finally found a new job. I was hired by a cafe in the area that hasn't opened yet. I mean REALLY in my area, it's only a 10 minute bike ride into the college ghetto. We had an orientation last week where we got to meet all of the opening staff, we talked about the general idea and concept of what we wanted it to be like and I couldn't be happier. The owner is really innovative and we've got some really nice hippies making farm food, I'm excited. I'm not sure when the opening date is, but definitely before March!

The Completion

I did! I made the fricken blog. visit it @ wordpress.com A Short Order

I still havent had any luck finding a job here, and to tell you the truth I feel like giving up. How can anyone get to know me in a 5 minute conversation?

I've been doing a lot of crocheting since being home a lot. I made some head bands I think hippies will go for so maybe I'll try to sell them on etsy for food money.

check me out I'm blonde now.

Life can be so unrewarding, so unfullfilling, sometimes.

The Thoughts

I'm thinking about starting a new blog, something less personal and with more food. I'll still write my complains and worries here, so don't worry about any lack of melodrama in your life.

I kind of want it to be based on what I'm eating/cooking. I can post when I eat out, when I cook at home, or come across a good recipe or cooking tip. Food sort of consumes my daily thoughts, and I've been doing a lot of home cooking lately because of the poverty in my life at the very moment. I've also been cooking for my roommates at night, (and getting paid for it) so I have more guinea pigs. Blogging from my iPhone is the easiest thing ever, it feels weird using my computer now. The only question is...what do I call it? It has to be witty, maybe a little cute, and of course foody.

The Flip

I could go on forever about how I hate everyone in Albany, but mostly, almost entirely it's just Josh that I hate. The thought of him now makes my stomach turn, especially after Saturday night. Connor and I weren't on the "guestlist" to the show so we were denied entry by the devil himself. I don't know who the fuck he thinks he is, but i think he is the devil.

The Extravaganza

My boyfriend is sleeping to ignore me being pissed off again, who can blame him?

I was deathly ill for the last week with the worst gastrointestinal virus I've ever had in my life. Felt like my insides were eating each other. After all this time off from the holidays the last thing i needed was to be sick. Now I'm 200 dollars behind on the rent, with 60 bucks in my pocket and my phone bill is due in a week. I'm royally fucked. And they stopped giving me hours at work, so now I'm really fucked. Isn't there some place I can call and complain about having shitty owners/managers? There should be. Theres a place you can call when you are fired from your job to be supported by the government, but what about those people who have been working and are still working but their job is too cheap to give them enough hours to pay their rent?

I'm fucking sick and tired of everyone treating everyone like shit. Maybe I just have to face the facts that all humans are born evil, maybe the Christians are right. Or maybe we just have to make a different approach as parents and teach our children that it is not okay to blatantly ignore a customer because you've had a bad day, or how to speak to other people respectfully. Its the kids everyones trying to protect but its the adults that I'm worried about.

The Overwhelming Feeling

The past month has been sort of rough, like a dark cloud hanging over my head. I have no money, its winter, my roommates piss me off, and I can't wait to get home. Connor and I are doing well, I just can't get out of this funk. I've had such bad luck, I'm just waiting for something to come my way. Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket, a cheap one.

I made the mistake of looking up the girl Connor drunkenly fucked years ago and she was surprisingly not hideous, it kind of made me mad. SO now I'm back to being down about ME, so I guess i should go back to the GYMahslkdjhvglhujsgb. I'd rather go to work than go to the gym.

Milo's testicles are getting chopped on Thursday so the piss extravaganza is going to be over soon, and i can go back to keeping the kitties together like they should be. AND we can go back to sleeping past 6 am, his MAAAAAOW-ing is keeping the whole house awake.

Christmas in two weeks! I'm broke but my sister really wants a zuzu pet, so I'm thinking of scratching my plans on going to NYC to see the tree in Rockafella Centa. The things I do for love!

The Turn Around and Explode

Things haven't changed too much really, I'm still reaching for that goal of getting home but every day it gets farther and farther away. Once again, my life is fucked over money, but i shouldnt be feeling guilty because it's not my fault.

I currently live in a house with 3 other roommates and Connor, we had a 5th roommate but she decided to skip out on our verbally agreed rent situation so we were left to pay her tab. This was pretty much my phone bill money, so it got shut off. Its so rainy and windy here it looks like the apocalypse outside. Winter is quickly approaching and I'm not looking forward to sitting inside. At least we got to move rooms and we have a bunch of new gaming systems to play with.

blerg. i hate everyone.

The New Deal

I have figured it all out, think. For the past couple of weeks Connor and I have been brainstorming places that we could move when the lease is up. California has always been at the top of my list, and I had my heart set on San Diego. I think I'm ready to go home though. And by home I dont mean living with my parent, we (meaning my mom and I) have agreed that this is NOT an option. And I don't mean pacifica either, because frankly I will never call that shit hole full of shit hole people my home. If I move back I'm going to live in San Francisco, yeah it's expensive but I'm a hermit and every dollar I spend on rent will be put to good use.

If it's anything I've learned by floating around for the last 20 years it's that no matter where you are you should be with your family. I never thought those words would ever come out of my mouth but it's true. I found something that makes my life stable and that's food. If you like what you do you are going to like your life, I just had to go out and find what I truly loved more than hating everyone and that's cooking and baking. I also had to find someone along side of me who I could learn from and someone who could learn from me and that's Connor.

He's teaching me how to be a social butterfly again. To talk at the people who you can't stand instead of being offended by their stupidity and arrogance, which I have to do quite often living here in New York. The difference between him and everyone else is that he wants a family, which means he is really mushy inside (but I won't get into that for your lunch's sake). He wants to meet my family and I know they will just adore him, he fits snug like the last puzzle piece In my life and I can't wait for them to meet.

I also can't wait to be apart of my family's life. Olivia and Jagger need a person in their life to be the mediator between parent and friend, and I had that in my uncle Shaun. I want to teach them common sense about things my parents will tell them to avoid because they're parents and that's what they're supposed to do, like friend problems and boy/girl problems. In all honestly I'm just coming back to disapprove every one of my siblings suitors, no one will ever be good enough for my baby brother and sister, maybe I just feel that way because I know some day soon they will be crushed by the opposite sex so badly they want to die, and I want to be there for that.

I also want to take them away on some weekends to give my parents a chance to love each other again. They never have time alone without a bedtime, and I want them to start sleeping in the same bed again. I understand my brothers a bit of a bed hog but they have been married for 8 years, they need to get a bigger bed or start acting like they love each other and TRY to love each other. I know they do, I've seen my mothers lovey eyes when she looks at him since I was 7 years old and I can't wait for them to fall back in love again.

Here's something else Connor has taught me, love can last. I was always a cynic believing that marriage can never work, but it can, I've seen it in his family. His mom and dad might not be together anymore but I can tell that his mom and stepdad David love each other very much. Thats why I like to go visit them all the time, they can deal with the stress in their lives because they have structure and teamwork in their daily lives. Everytime we go up there there is something new they've built together as a family in the garden or time they put in together working on the house, and I love that about them. I want my family to be this way too because it works and it keeps them healthy together, that's why Hannah and Jack are so smart and well behaved!

Well enough of my sappy rant, just thought you all should know I'm at a different place in my life and I'm ready to be apart of my family's. I'm ready to bring home the lessons ive learned along this crazy path that still has a few more miles on it.

Posted from Blogium for iPhone

The New York Fall...again!

The golden leaves are back just in time for me to not be ready for the cold again. I brought all of my winter clothes out which was almost like shopping for them all over again! I quit my fancy job because it was making me unhappy, it's too serious for me. I like the pace of the cafe and the community in it. I also like having free time to enjoy my life. I'd rather be a little less wealthy and get to spend time with my friends and Connor after work, than be rich and never have time to do anything.

Posted from Blogium for iPhone

The Alone Time

The entire month of September I spent ALONE at home and working like a dog. Connor left on tour with his band Anal Warhead for a month across the country, but I got him back in one piece. It was fucking HELL in case you're wondering. There is only so many times you can say 'i miss you, i love you, can't wait to see you' without wanting to off yourself and/or reach through the phone for a quick kiss. I'm happy to have him home again, it almost felt like a limb was cut off because living in this house really takes a team effort.

I love my roommates, but I am beyond the feeling of wanting to party every night and being irresponsible for my own shit. I also feel like I never got to that point. I never wanted to party every night, I'm a hermit, we cook dinner, eat movies, (smoke weed), and chill out. Connor is too, which makes our relationship easy and comfy. He's an aries and i'm a gemini, do your freakin research! We were meant to be.