The Best

One of the benefits of Albany being small is that you can always count on getting to know someone by asking the people around you what they know, and they're usually right. I always welcome first impressions, even if you don't feel like giving me one. If you can't project yourself according to who you are, then who the fuck are you? The guest should not forgo manners just because they are not the host, people are still judging you. How else can you judge someone who doesn't speak, except by their actions? When you assault someone in my home you are essentially ridding yourself of my respect by not being able to have the human decency to control your actions, drunk or sober, you are a disrespectful bitch.

WELL, now that this is all out of the way.

5 more days until California! It doesn't even feel real, having been here for two years non-stop also seems unreal to me at this point. I've kept in such close contact with my immediate family I feel like we've been anticipating this trip since I was 18. Things have changed in my 'adult' mind and I'm really looking forward to long talks with my mother, just us two. It's been a long time since I've been able to talk to someone who I feel like could love me no matter what I've done or what I'm about to say. My feelings towards my father have changed as well as towards my step-father.

Getting to know Connor has led me to so many conclusions about my own life and my past, for the better. We both grew up on the opposite sides of the discipline spectrum but in retrospect, our lives have so much in common. I won't go into detail, I'll spare you the sap story, but I really do feel like in my parents mind they felt like they were protecting me all those years while in actuality they were fueling my anger and resentment for punishing me for ridiculous things. I did feel, and still do feel like the black sheep of the family and I don't think this will change until people in my family start being honest with me and themselves. We never were the perfect family, we never will be because people make mistakes. All I want you to do is look in the mirror and discontinue the cycle, for my siblings sake.

I grew up hating myself and not feeling good enough because of the constant dramatized discipline, 1 minute late was 1 week locked in my house, a B+ could've been an A, but I just wasn't. The American dream is dead for those who were not born into the top one percent, we should stop shoving achievements up every child's ass and start teaching them common sense. Maybe we should pay less attention to being an 'A' and pay more attention to being what you are, that must make me a pretty content B+.

The Worst

Hands down the worst part about being an adult is being in debt. It seems like the way credit goes in this country, you have to first be in debt to make an name for yourself. Too bad I haven't even been given the chance to make the mistake, I don't have enough credit debt to be get more credit. Crazy. You'd think it'd be the opposite, I know I'd never want to lend money to someone who already has debt.

I have started borrowing money out of the iPod fund, (which got stolen a few months ago when we were moving along with the hand truck, I hate you Albany) which is now empty, and I borrowed money out of my California fund to buy drugs. Ahh, priorities. When I get back from vacation my first move is to pay back all of my debt. And the shitty part about all this is that if someone just gave me a chance I could've been borrowing money from some asshole in a suit who will sign me off in a year as an official "fee and interest customer," and then I will be able to buy the computer I've been trying to get for the last year.

I seem to be just taking the long route by picking up small bills every once in a while that count as credit. I pay my student loan, a cell phone plan in my name, and as of recently the internet at our new house. I guess the important thing is that I'm not fucking up my credit, which really tends to bite you in the ass later in life when people refuse to give you things or do things for you because of it. I could seriously damage my chances of getting an apartment in California because there are 1000000 people there who would make the payments on time.

Blah, the way things work is just so depressing. I'm glad I wasn't old and saw the world turn into this, I was just born here, I'm not responsible. I do believe however that it is the younger generation's responsibility to fix all of this up when all the old people can't tell us what to do anymore, because they'll all be dead.

The Chance

Here I am! A brief moment in time to reflect on this week's improvements.

I started a personal journal, and when I mean personal, I mean not on the internet. After going back to read posts from years ago and having most of my personal life on display in metaphors since the sixth grade (all the way back at Xanga, wow.), I've decided to keep some things to myself. There are just some things that need to be said and not heard by anyone else...if you're following me.

"We are like roses that have never bothered to bloom when we should have bloomed and it is as if the sun has become disgusted with waiting." -Charles Bukowski

I am beginning to become disgusted with every single person I come in contact with. I shouldn't say beginning, because I've hated people forever, clearly. Albany really is a huge shit hole, but I've been here for the last two years so I can't tell whether it's everywhere or just New York. The other morning I was walking to work and a crazy homeless man was literally hurling text books at me from across the street, on a main intersection! I've never been afraid of the homeless anywhere else, there are more crazies here than I've ever seen in one place. This morning in the store-front someone left a wrapper from a blunt and an empty liquor bottle from the night before, I wouldn't be surprised if they we're camping out front all night.

I have seen police officers arrest numerous people for the most insane reasons here. A homeless man who is randomly stopped and ID'd on Lark St. (bar central) asks for a reason why he's being detained and is arrested after he throws his hands in the air in frustration. Just the other day we watched a police car pull up to a bus stop and just start asking for identification from everybody, when we drove back 15 minutes later there were 3 minorities in hand-cuffs. New York is hands down the most racist state I have ever lived in.

I am getting so depressed, at a time in my life when I just started to see the world in a brighter hue. I need to stop reading the news. As much as I like to be informed, all they have to say is bad news. There is so much hatred, anger, and resentment in every person no wonder why we all suck. If we quit being assholes to each other, there would be nothing to resent, but unfortunately it's a vicious cycle. In the end you can only help yourself.

How can you expect to see change in your world when you're sitting on your ass complaining about your life? I fell into this hole for so long. Someone once wrote to me on this blog; "Don't let yourself fall back into old habits." And every time I feel my old feelings of wanting to crawl into my cave, I tell myself that little diddy. You come to realize that you do make your own happiness. Even when life hands you a pile of shit on your walk to work, you can chose to walk through it or walk around it and continue on with your day. I am not letting tiny or HUGE piles of dog shit interfere with my happiness. So far, it's been working out for me.

If you can't live with all of the negativity in the world, you best make a positivity bubble around yourself. (<---inventing words/objects again) No one is going to do your dishes, your laundry, or pay your fucking bills, you shouldn't waste your life sitting around waiting for someone else to come and fix it.