the pieces

I met Carrie yesterday, we hung around the Stanford and did some shopping. I haven't been there since I was a kid, so it was interesting being back where it all began with her (I was born at Stanford Hospital). We didn't talk much about my biological father, but when we did, I uncovered some important information. She didn't have to tell me this, i figured it out on my own; the reason why he stopped coming around is far worse than I ever imagined.

I've known for a while that he has a son, I have another half-brother. What I didn't know, is that he is 14-years-old. I am going to be 18 in a week, which means that it only took him 3 years to have another kid. But he stopped showing up when I was 2 1/2, December 1992. 18 subtracted by 14 is 3, which means that his girlfriend was pregnant just before the last time I saw him. He essentially chose between me and his new girlfriend and their child together. If i didn't feel like a worthless piece of shit before, i do now. This is bringing out all the horrible feelings i had about him when I was 14. Before all this, the idea of him didn't phase me, but after putting all these pieces together, the thought of him makes me nauseous.

I got a C- on my last paper, and I don't feel i deserved it, but I am not in the correct emotional state to be arguing with her. My diploma depends on this last paper, I hope I don't fuck it up.

M.I.A. tomorrow.