The Turn Around, Maybe

Its hard for me to be in relationships, I guess. Some how I always end up being a bitch even if things in life are going my way for once. I just feel like I am wasting time. Josh feel like I am getting tired of him because I am starting to do things on my own again. I'm starting to figure out my surroundings and I want to explore them on my own sometimes. Is it that much trouble to want to be alone?

I, as you may know, am a very excitable person. I daydream constantly and I get worked up (good and bad) about the tiniest little things. Thats just the way I am. It's really hard to be with someone who is only excited when good things happen to them.

I am ready to come out of this fucking horribly depressing cocoon I've spent the last 19 years in, and no boy is going to keep me from it.

The Good News, Finally

FINALLY! After all this time i have happy news to deliver. I am finally getting my car on the road this tuesday, Graboids played an awesome first show at Oddfellows last saturday, and I am raking in the dough.

I did my taxes, i get 800 back. FUCK YES.

The Graboids played an impromptu show at J Krak's Sweet 16x2 party. I drank way too much, and fucking went for it all. I am very proud us! We are recording the demo very very soon.

I am working all the time but its easy and fun, I seem to be making a lot of money very quickly. When i get my taxes back I'm going to pay off Josh's parents for the move and get a tattoo! Then i can begin saving for our apartment which we can get also very very soon.

Everything is easy right now! Can't wait for everything to fall apart again..

The New Work

Cream puffs I made at the new work!

My new job is going really well, I make sandwiches, take orders, clean up, and hang out. I am learning how to run my own business by working at these tiny places. The fancy restaurant I wait at on sundays is tghe best place I've ever worked. I did the dessert menu for their new years ever dinner, and they decided to keep me on in the front of the house just until summer when I can bake and eventually bartend. I'm pretty excited to make some good money.

The restaurant was named one of the 25 best farm-to-table restaurants in the country, and its amazing that everyone who makes it happen is under the age of 26. I love the food industry, you learn something new at every place you work, everyone does it differently.

This will also be good experience for New York City moving time at the end of summer. It's cool to learn all these different jobs in the restaurant, I get to work a (sandwich) line, I wait tables, I get to be chef.

I'm thankful the job situation is finally settled. I have a routine now, which is weird, but I still get to stay out late every night. I don't mind working on the weekends, because it doesn't matter what day of the week it is, we still drink heavily.

Red Stripe is my fuckin' dawg.
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The Break

Josh and I decided to take a break from smokin' dat green, and we're sort of sticking to it. I'm not as sleepy I guess.

Tonight was an excellent Graboids practice despite the PA mystery and having to go buy a new microphone. We have a total of 9 songs now, and we're playing two covers. Our songs are short so it will be nice to fit so many songs in our first set. I hope people like us, shit.

Once our recordings are done we will start a MySpace Music page so everyone can hear a few songs.(Despite your nasty comments I happen to enjoy this style of music so check your fucking face).

I wrote a song about pizza and another one about hating straight edge nazis. The subjects vary, on a quite large scale, and the lyrics are all crap. Its hard to fit brilliance inside of a single minute of music that sounds like it's on fast forward. Darby Crash manages to do this extremely well and that is one reason why the Germs are/were fucking great. If you don't believe me read the lyrics to Land of Treason.

Having this blog makes me hate myself.
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The Recent Image

This is what I look like these days..
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The Mix

Tramadol + k + alcohol + green smoke, will send your body and mind on a very expansive trip through the inner workings of your brain. Look how funny I am! Seeing Josh's K face is HILARIOUS!

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The Interview

Today I watched GG Allin's last interview on Jane Whitney's old talk show, I had seen the beginning with the Club Kids a few times, but I never saw GG on it! I wonder what happened to the cop in the middle of all of them trying to make his point. It's sad that people probably will still agree with him too. It's hilarious how both the club kids (Richie Rich went on to do Heatherette!) and GG Allin are fucking legends now, and that cop is either dead or old and bitter still.

I like how in both the Jerry Springer interview and the Jane Whitney interview all the opposing opinions are coming from the fucking pigs, lawyers, and parents. Every person who could possibly hate punk more than anything on earth.

"Rock n' roll is the fury from within you, rock n' roll is revenge, rock n' roll is your enemy, and I am your enemy." - G. G. Allin

The Vitamin Feeling

I read somewhere that a special hallucinogen can lessen symptoms of depression, for weeks afterwards not just the next day. The last two days I have been optimistic and happy, so maybe their experiment was right.

I am going to a working interview tomorrow, at a cafe pretty close by. I am half hopeing I get to work there and the other half wants me to sleep in for the rest of my life. I am excited to make some money and get my car on the road.

I would kill someone for Mexican food right now
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The Vitamin

A few friends, josh and myself took a trip with kristina yesterday. My whole body felt like a cartoon, drunk and quirked somehow. Communication and mobility were especially difficult but incoherent screaming was easy
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The Dissapointment

So, New York isn't really working out. Things between Josh and I have hit the fan, I don't have a job, a car, or any money. I'm completely drained of any ambition or faith in myself to continue living like this. It has been close to 5 months since I've felt comfortable or happy. Upstate New York has nothing to offer me except the freezing cold, but I knew this all before I moved here. I have spent almost my entire teenage life chasing after my heart as it bounced from one boy to the next from one state to the next, I just want to be alone and not have to please anyone else. I want to go where I want and figure out what the fuck I'm still doing here and what I'm supposed to do in the future.

Every day I wish I owned a VW bus to drive down the pacific coast into South America. Off the radar, out of the system, 86'd from life. This will never happen, because 6 months from now I will still be suffering somewhere with no money, no car, and no ambition.

If it would make my family feel better, I'd crawl into a hole made of glass so even though I would be hiding from the world, they could still see me and i wouldn't feel so guilty.

I started this blog three years ago depressed, angry, and confused. I don't think anything has changed at all.

The Drive To MD

Josh, John Torn, and myself are on our way to Baltimore to see Integrity, Gehenna, Ringworm, and Pulling Teeth! Starkweather was supposed to be playing but I have heard that they are not. 5 hours on the snowy road in the backseat is the best.
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The Long Hair!

------Original Message------
To: Blogger
Subject: The Long Hair!
Sent: Jan 6, 2010 4:42 PM

Its been a full year since I cut all of my blonde hair off, and look at it now!

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The Truth Shall Set Me Behind

There is no way to describe the feeling of finding recent naked pictures of your boyfriend's ex girlfriend in his email inbox. The bad part is that I wasn't snooping, they were just there. I was looking for the recordings Mike was supposed to send us of our band practicing the other night. I wish he would've had a great excuse, too. But he didn't, and I am stuck here wondering where I should be stuck. The worst part is that I never thought he would do it to me.

Remember over the summer when she came to visit and it was the end of the world because I was the bitch girlfriend asking questions about why she was even there. I was reassured time and time again that she "mean't nothing," and was "just a friend." He has spent the last year making me trust him when she's around, but I'm not fucking stupid. Remember last New Years Eve when he was here in New York at a party with her "flirting" and "maybe kissing" and I had to hear it from the other side of the country? Guess who was the crazy one then too. This is making me question every single second that he has ever spoken to me, I don't know when he's told the truth.

He is my best fucking friend on earth. We wake up together, we eat together, we hang out together, we play in a band together, we go to sleep together, and to tell you the truth I don't think I could do that with anyone else. But now I feel like I can't look at him the same anymore.

If I wasn't stuck here in New York, I would not be here in our room. I'm stuck between a cheating boyfriend and being broke. It is quite possibly one of the worst places to be stuck. On top of all this, the job at the farm is boring and mindless work, easy money. I need something to occupy my mind, not numb it. Josh has already done that for me this week.

here are those fucking recordings anyways.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=SY66EFEJ

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=LVE4ILB1

The Let Down

I am running really low on money. I need 600 dollars to get my car on the road now, I still owe Josh's parents 600 dollars, and the bills are piling up. I dont understand how the world expects me to start living. I went to college, I moved out on my own without any help from my parents, I got a job where they treat me like complete shit, and I save money. But it's still not enough. I moved to New York so I could start a life of my own and be a responsible adult, but I just seem to be slipping farther and farther into a giant hole. Everyone is still dictating how I should live my life and making me do tons of shit that I don't want to do. And it's different from being younger because the shit I didn't want to do was homework or something ridiculously easy, and now there are consequences. I work so fucking hard week after week and I have yet to get anything rewarding out of it.

On top of all this, Josh's sister hates me because I didn't go to two dentists appointments that she made for me that I told her to cancel because I don't have any insurance or money. She calls me today and tells me she made me another appointment for this thursday and she wants me to watch her kids on wednesday.

I wake up every morning wishing I hadn't, just so I could avoid all the bullshit that everyone else throws on me. I wish i owned a camper van so I could drive down the pacific coast off the radar and live on the beach. I hate this fucking country and I hate everyone around me.

The Cro Mags Part 2

I saw the Cro-Mags play last night at Bogies in Albany. Let me start by saying that I will never attend another show at Bogies. I have tried my hardest to stay away from tough guy hardcore assholes, and now I know where they all coagulate. Besides this, people were going off for the fucking Cro Mags per usual and I was completely enjoying myself. Right Brigade cover was righteous. The best part of the night was watching them soundcheck. Josh was playing in the opening band so we got to watch the magic happen in an empty room. We heard them cover Banned in DC and 12XU (minor threat version). I don't think anything could ever top that. Wow.

There is much more Cro Mags to see, and I know this isn't the last time.
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The Passive

It is 5:30 am and I just got back from passive aggressively leaving my job. My last day was to be Friday, but I decided that I didn't feel like dealing with their shit today so I left him a note saying adios. He has fucked me over so many times in the last three months that I've worked there, that I didn't really feel like helping him out on our largest production day, or ever again. It was an extremely shitty thing to do to your employer, but he is an extremely shitty person so I don't feel too bad. Work should be challenging, not incriminating.

My new job offers me health and dental insurance, about 3 more dollars an hour, and it's in the field of my choice (which is primarily bread baking).

No more fucking pastries, pizza dough bagels, and improper techniques. I feel like I'm actually going to be able to use my schooling at this new place, instead of being taught everything over completely ass backwards.

By the way, it snowed about 6 inches yesterday, and its the most snow ive ever seen fall in my life. We built a snowman with a mohawk, unfortunately he killed himself shortly before I left for work this morning.

The Snow

It started snowing on saturday and it was beautiful. Very cold, but beautiful. I am about to quit my job on wednesday. I am nervous because they are going to be huge assholes about it. I think if they are I am just going to walk out and never go back, what can they do then? If I just never show up and never answer their phone calls, they can't punish me for quiting. I still haven't heard anything from the farm, but its my fault. I took so long to get back to her, I just had no time. I'm not worried about finding a job, I'd rather be jobless for a while than have to work at this place. Plus, the asshole was going to make me work all the week of christmas so he could go on a vacation AGAIN. I'm covering for him this entire week because he is on vacation. On wednesday I'm giving him my weeks notice, so I don't look like a giant asshole quiting the week before christmas, I am the giant asshole quiting two weeks before christmas. Ugh, I just can't deal with people yelling at me. I chose the wrong career path.
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The Fleeting Year

------Original Message------
To: Blogger
Subject: The Fleeting Year
Sent: Nov 15, 2009 9:15 PM

Halloween came and went, I've just been making it rain for the past couple of weeks. I've been saving most of my money. My shitty car is still not on the road, its been almost a month. I feel like its cursed, I don't quite trust it yet. I have a job interview at this new place, I don't really like the place I'm at now, and I don't make enough for the amount of slave work they're giving me. I forget that since I have a degree now, I should technically by the law of good business, be getting paid at LEAST 10. There are very few college educated bakers up here, they expect a lot out of me. The holidays are coming up and I'm about to work very long hours. I will be rich at the end though. I want to pay Josh's dad back partially, and get a tattoo! Its been a while. I'm not sure what I want to get yet. I think I deserve a reward.

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The True Love

------Original Message------
To: Blogger
Subject: The True Love
Sent: Oct 26, 2009 11:15 PM

I wish my body was fueled by Miller High Life so I could drink it all the time, it is truely delicious.

Josh and I started a band with our friend connor, we don't have a drummer yet though. We've written 4 song so far, I'm singing and I guess I'm a bit nervous but I think I will just have to be a little drunk before we play. I don't mind. I tried Jameson today, it was better tasting than Fernet. I really hate it, even though it is fancy.

My weekend is over, time for work again. When I think about, my job is really not that bad. I wish I got pain more.

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The Fall

------Original Message------
To: Blogger
Subject: The Fall
Sent: Oct 12, 2009 4:23 PM

Fall has arrived in New York. It's getting very cold, there hasn't been a day above 55 since the start of the season. I've just been working like a dog and losing lots of sleep. I still haven't found a car and I still don't have any savings really. We've been looking at apartments but that is a long time coming. Living with Josh's parents is hard, and I'm uncomfortable. Some days I really feel like a fool for moving here, it isn't any more glamorous than any other place I've lived, maybe just a lot prettier in the autumn. I think about moving back everyday, but I came here for Josh and he isn't going to budge as long as rent is free and the band is still together. I feel stuck.

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