The Pest

Life has never been forgiving, kind, or respectful to me. I am going to start taking shit back, like my dignity and the control over my own destiny. I am sick of depending on men to help me, a favor turns into a lifetime commitment and I am not a piece of property to be shuffled around.
I found a place to live in Albany, just waiting to hear if I got it or not. With my luck I'll be stuck in this cave for a few more months.
This has a little to do with the Josh I know now, one moment he'll be my best friend and the next he'll be my enemy. And if he says moving out is the end of all ties then that'll be it. I am sick of ultimatums.
Bizzaro world seems like it will never happen but I'm commited to making it work somehow. The entire universe is against me, I can feel it sometimes when I'm sleeping alone.

I had a dream last night that Josh and I were sent to a rehab facility. They said the only way Josh would get better was if we were seperated, so I got sent to a different one. I just cried the entire time, I sat in a chair all day and cried for Josh. He came to visit me once, he was all better with a giant smile on his face and I was still a fucking mess. For some reason Christian was there and we were smoking outside when Josh came outside and looked at me then walked away. There was something in his eyes, I don't know if it was pity or apathy, but it made me feel like the lowest human being on earth. I woke up soaked in sweat, I fell back asleep only to have the nightmare begin where it left off.
I was sitting in the chair, smoking again, watching t.v. when I got up to enter what must've been the mock dining room because it was just Josh sitting at a table with two plates of fancy food. I sat down and started eating it when I realized it was a familiar looking womb. Josh gave me the apathetic pity look again and walked away from me. I ran outside into pouring rain and he was gone, one of the counselors came outside and tried to talk me out of this fit of rage but no words could come out of my mouth. It was like I was a well person who was stuck in someplace where well people do not belong but I couldn't say a fucking word. I woke up furiously crying in a puddle of cold sweat.

The dream was so incredibly real I felt like I was waiting in that chair for a month. I don't understand the signifigance of it to my life, but whatever it was I don't ever want to go back to it again.
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