The Truth Shall Set Me Behind

There is no way to describe the feeling of finding recent naked pictures of your boyfriend's ex girlfriend in his email inbox. The bad part is that I wasn't snooping, they were just there. I was looking for the recordings Mike was supposed to send us of our band practicing the other night. I wish he would've had a great excuse, too. But he didn't, and I am stuck here wondering where I should be stuck. The worst part is that I never thought he would do it to me.

Remember over the summer when she came to visit and it was the end of the world because I was the bitch girlfriend asking questions about why she was even there. I was reassured time and time again that she "mean't nothing," and was "just a friend." He has spent the last year making me trust him when she's around, but I'm not fucking stupid. Remember last New Years Eve when he was here in New York at a party with her "flirting" and "maybe kissing" and I had to hear it from the other side of the country? Guess who was the crazy one then too. This is making me question every single second that he has ever spoken to me, I don't know when he's told the truth.

He is my best fucking friend on earth. We wake up together, we eat together, we hang out together, we play in a band together, we go to sleep together, and to tell you the truth I don't think I could do that with anyone else. But now I feel like I can't look at him the same anymore.

If I wasn't stuck here in New York, I would not be here in our room. I'm stuck between a cheating boyfriend and being broke. It is quite possibly one of the worst places to be stuck. On top of all this, the job at the farm is boring and mindless work, easy money. I need something to occupy my mind, not numb it. Josh has already done that for me this week.

here are those fucking recordings anyways.

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=SY66EFEJ

http://www.megaupload.com/?d=LVE4ILB1

The Let Down

I am running really low on money. I need 600 dollars to get my car on the road now, I still owe Josh's parents 600 dollars, and the bills are piling up. I dont understand how the world expects me to start living. I went to college, I moved out on my own without any help from my parents, I got a job where they treat me like complete shit, and I save money. But it's still not enough. I moved to New York so I could start a life of my own and be a responsible adult, but I just seem to be slipping farther and farther into a giant hole. Everyone is still dictating how I should live my life and making me do tons of shit that I don't want to do. And it's different from being younger because the shit I didn't want to do was homework or something ridiculously easy, and now there are consequences. I work so fucking hard week after week and I have yet to get anything rewarding out of it.

On top of all this, Josh's sister hates me because I didn't go to two dentists appointments that she made for me that I told her to cancel because I don't have any insurance or money. She calls me today and tells me she made me another appointment for this thursday and she wants me to watch her kids on wednesday.

I wake up every morning wishing I hadn't, just so I could avoid all the bullshit that everyone else throws on me. I wish i owned a camper van so I could drive down the pacific coast off the radar and live on the beach. I hate this fucking country and I hate everyone around me.

The Cro Mags Part 2

I saw the Cro-Mags play last night at Bogies in Albany. Let me start by saying that I will never attend another show at Bogies. I have tried my hardest to stay away from tough guy hardcore assholes, and now I know where they all coagulate. Besides this, people were going off for the fucking Cro Mags per usual and I was completely enjoying myself. Right Brigade cover was righteous. The best part of the night was watching them soundcheck. Josh was playing in the opening band so we got to watch the magic happen in an empty room. We heard them cover Banned in DC and 12XU (minor threat version). I don't think anything could ever top that. Wow.

There is much more Cro Mags to see, and I know this isn't the last time.
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The Passive

It is 5:30 am and I just got back from passive aggressively leaving my job. My last day was to be Friday, but I decided that I didn't feel like dealing with their shit today so I left him a note saying adios. He has fucked me over so many times in the last three months that I've worked there, that I didn't really feel like helping him out on our largest production day, or ever again. It was an extremely shitty thing to do to your employer, but he is an extremely shitty person so I don't feel too bad. Work should be challenging, not incriminating.

My new job offers me health and dental insurance, about 3 more dollars an hour, and it's in the field of my choice (which is primarily bread baking).

No more fucking pastries, pizza dough bagels, and improper techniques. I feel like I'm actually going to be able to use my schooling at this new place, instead of being taught everything over completely ass backwards.

By the way, it snowed about 6 inches yesterday, and its the most snow ive ever seen fall in my life. We built a snowman with a mohawk, unfortunately he killed himself shortly before I left for work this morning.

The Snow

It started snowing on saturday and it was beautiful. Very cold, but beautiful. I am about to quit my job on wednesday. I am nervous because they are going to be huge assholes about it. I think if they are I am just going to walk out and never go back, what can they do then? If I just never show up and never answer their phone calls, they can't punish me for quiting. I still haven't heard anything from the farm, but its my fault. I took so long to get back to her, I just had no time. I'm not worried about finding a job, I'd rather be jobless for a while than have to work at this place. Plus, the asshole was going to make me work all the week of christmas so he could go on a vacation AGAIN. I'm covering for him this entire week because he is on vacation. On wednesday I'm giving him my weeks notice, so I don't look like a giant asshole quiting the week before christmas, I am the giant asshole quiting two weeks before christmas. Ugh, I just can't deal with people yelling at me. I chose the wrong career path.
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The Fleeting Year

------Original Message------
To: Blogger
Subject: The Fleeting Year
Sent: Nov 15, 2009 9:15 PM

Halloween came and went, I've just been making it rain for the past couple of weeks. I've been saving most of my money. My shitty car is still not on the road, its been almost a month. I feel like its cursed, I don't quite trust it yet. I have a job interview at this new place, I don't really like the place I'm at now, and I don't make enough for the amount of slave work they're giving me. I forget that since I have a degree now, I should technically by the law of good business, be getting paid at LEAST 10. There are very few college educated bakers up here, they expect a lot out of me. The holidays are coming up and I'm about to work very long hours. I will be rich at the end though. I want to pay Josh's dad back partially, and get a tattoo! Its been a while. I'm not sure what I want to get yet. I think I deserve a reward.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

The True Love

------Original Message------
To: Blogger
Subject: The True Love
Sent: Oct 26, 2009 11:15 PM

I wish my body was fueled by Miller High Life so I could drink it all the time, it is truely delicious.

Josh and I started a band with our friend connor, we don't have a drummer yet though. We've written 4 song so far, I'm singing and I guess I'm a bit nervous but I think I will just have to be a little drunk before we play. I don't mind. I tried Jameson today, it was better tasting than Fernet. I really hate it, even though it is fancy.

My weekend is over, time for work again. When I think about, my job is really not that bad. I wish I got pain more.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

The Fall

------Original Message------
To: Blogger
Subject: The Fall
Sent: Oct 12, 2009 4:23 PM

Fall has arrived in New York. It's getting very cold, there hasn't been a day above 55 since the start of the season. I've just been working like a dog and losing lots of sleep. I still haven't found a car and I still don't have any savings really. We've been looking at apartments but that is a long time coming. Living with Josh's parents is hard, and I'm uncomfortable. Some days I really feel like a fool for moving here, it isn't any more glamorous than any other place I've lived, maybe just a lot prettier in the autumn. I think about moving back everyday, but I came here for Josh and he isn't going to budge as long as rent is free and the band is still together. I feel stuck.

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The Final Product

The final product of my personal life ruining is dull. New York is not anything like what I dreamt about for years. To be honest with you its like Portland with more people and lots of unnessesary advertising. I really miss it there, even the shitty hipsters. I go to work most days at 3am and work between 10 and 13 hours a day. I like the job, just not the hours or my sexist, extremely Italian, boss. It is not at all glamorous, most of the people who work there are over 40, except for the sluts who close at night in the cafe.
Maybe I will convince Josh to move back if the band goes sour, but I doubt it. I feel a little trapped. I don't have a car yet, either. I'm currently at the band practice, but going to these make me angry because its mostly them fucking around and playing a few songs every few minutes. It makes me feel silly for moving out here so Josh could play with them again. I really miss Safeway and nice people, even if they were a little fake. Maybe I just need to toughen up.

Things are really hard right now.
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The New York Life

I'm here! been here for 'bout 2 weeks now, everyhing looks really different and real, thre are real houses like we've seen in books and lots of real trees and real people. I'm glad to be here. i got a job working as an assistant pastry chef at a good bakery in a historic old town. I'm excited to start over and have things of my own. expensive responsible things. manhattan tomorrow!

----------
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The Northeast

I am sort of in the north east states now. We are about to cross into Ohio from Indiana. We tried to get hot dogs in Chicago but sat in an hour of traffic instead. Luckily we got some delicious food from a co-op in Madison in the morning before we left Wisconsin.

Josh and I ate at L'etouile on Friday night, where his friend is cooking at. I feel honored to even been able to eat there, the food was so incredible. It's sad that we have to go to places like that to get fresh, real food. It's a luxury to be able to eat food that hasn't been packaged, preserved, or processed. I could go on for hours about this, l'll stop myself.

We took a few strolls down State St., in the trendy part of Madison. There were a bunch of college-kid marketed shops, a few mediocre pizza places, and one very cool record store called Ear Wax.the sign said "punk and metaI" on it so we definately wanted to see what was up. I bought an Infest back patch, so kill me! I know I'm not crusty enough for it, but it was five dollars. Josh got a rare Melvins tape for 2 dollars.

The cooks snuck me into a few local bars. Since all the college kids were back it was sort of easy. I saw a lot of puke and some dude peeing in the middle of the sidewalk with zero shame. All in all Madison was really really fun, everyone wanted to have a conversation and/or use our cell phones.

We are skipping the rock n roll hall of fame because we are running dangerously low on cash. And all these mother fucking toll booths on these mother fucking freeways are using up all my change. Only 10 more hours till Philly.
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The Half Way

We are about half way on our road trip to New York. We decided to skip out on a few things because we are running legitimately low on cash. We aren't going to the Rock N' Roll hall of fame because we heard it was lame for the price, and we're skipping out on Hershey because it's way too expensive to get in right now. We are staying in Madison Wisconsin for another day to check things out, and thats where I'm blogging from right now. A coffee shop in trendy Madison Wisconsin. I feel so lame!

We have eaten some really delicious food and some really horrible horrible food. We are off to Chicago tomorrow, then driving straight to Philly for the Lightning Bolt show and then to New York.

The Second Guess

I've spent this week being pissed off, I can't help it. I'm broke, have so much to do, and I'm trying to please everyone at the same time. I'm having second thoughts about moving now, but I can't stay here either. It's days like this when I wish that I never moved to Oregon in the first place.

The Room

I've been sitting in the chemo room with my grandma since 9 30 this morning. I've been trying to sleep but I can't because I feel like death is watching me. Everyone is in surprisingly good spirits, but there's this dark cloud that creeps in every once in a while.

This man who left a little while go had a Phd in economics, his wife was talking about all the awards he's won. He could barely speak, he had lung cancer. It was sad to listen to this woman speak about her genius of a husband who can't talk at all now.

Death is so scary, not because it might be long and painful, but because its the end.
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The Loss of Trust

If it isn't obvious, I've got some issues with trusting people. So when I do finally come around and after months of good times, you deliberately betray me, I have a legit reason to lose my fucking mind with anger. The two people I trusted most out here have me questioning their motives.

Danielle, one of the best friends I've made out here, tried to get me fired from the place we both work by trying to make me look like a psychotic liar just because she went back on her word. It's all handled now, but I will never trust her again.

Josh's ex girlfriend is in town which is awesome to deal with. He keeps calling her his "friend" which I'm not doubting but she still is his ex girl"friend." And plus when he got back from New York after Christmas all he could talk about was how much he hated seeing her. After that I knew there was still pent up feelings, which sucks. I felt like he lied to me on Friday night involving something with her yet he still thinks he did nothing wrong. I'm not trying to be that girlfriend, but I can't help feeling like there is something I should be afraid of. I know having her here puts him in a weird place but I'm sure it's even weirder for her. I want to be nice can't you tell? But I can't, because we're girls, and even though we don't know each other we hate each other just because Josh is in the middle. I'm protective, and if I wasn't, it would be like sitting on the freeway with my chest cut open waiting for my heart to be run over by on-coming traffic. Plus her and I are completely different people, so I'm told.

Call me what you must, but I'm not into letting my boyfriend get snatched away by some east coast nature girl who hurt him once already.

(reppin' the west coast till i die!)

The Remaining Days

There is just about two weeks left until the great American road trip goes down. Its starting to really hit me that I'm leaving the last part of my family. I left my immediate family, and now I'm leaving the very last bits of what I have left. I hate leaving my grandma just as she's starting to lose her hair, I can see all the stress on her face now.

In lighter news, yesterday was my last day in the kitchen at Oregon Culinary Institute. I'm really going to miss all the chefs and my classmates. I could go on for days about how much I love that school. I'm really excited to get out there and put my skillz to work, for money.
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The Cutest Kitty

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The Few Weeks

Only a few weeks left to pack until the giant road trip/move. We haven't started, we're lazy. We are making quite a few stops along the way, but if we're driving THAT far, i better see some cool shit.

We decided to camp most of the way there except for in Madison, Wisconsin where Josh's friend lives. Here's a list of places we'll be stopping at;

1. Maryhill, Washington. There is a giant replica of Stonehenge here, the northwest is so weird.
2.Butte, Montana. we will camp and eat here.
3.Yellowstone, Wyoming. We will camp here! I hear there are some wicked hot springs here too.
4.Mt. Rushmore, South Dakota.
5.Wall, South Dakota. Wall Drug. I heard this place is fucking silly.
6. Murdo, South Dakota. 1880 Town, fuck yeah.
7.Madison, Wisconsin. We'll stay here for a few days.
8. Chicago, IL. Wiener Circle! <- - - completely worth watching
9.Cleveland, OH. Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame
10.Pittsburg, PA.
11.Hershey, PA. FUCK YEAH
12. Philly, PA.
13. New York!

I am so excited for this trip.

In other sad news, a man was beaten to death by a bunch of kids on a full MAX train last night. Only in Portland would a man be brutally beat to death while a train full of selfish, careless assholes sat there and watched. You're cool for what you've got Portland, but your people suck. I can't wait to leave this fucking town.

The Bad Dream

Lately I've been having a lot of bad dreams. i woke up one morning last week crying because I dreamed of hanging out with my brother and sister and then losing them in a mall. It really made me miss them. The only time I get to hang out with them now is in my dreams, so when they're over I get really sad.

Yesterday morning I had a dream that my Chef was screaming at me for ditching school on Tuesday. It was pretty scary because that dude can yell.

This morning I had a dream about an old friend's shitty snaggle-toothed girlfriend ganging up on me with his even shittier ex-girlfriend, it wasn't too bad though because I got to tell them off in the dream too. People suck, even in dreams.

Even though this is almost completely unrelated to my bad dreams, it correlates with bad friends.

The more and more I don't talk to you the more I realize what a shitty person you are, and how you hurt me in more ways than i can count, and also that it's not okay. I don't call you anymore because I can't talk to you without thinking of all the shitty things you've done to me and other people. Its sad to think that I thought you were the only one on earth who would ever be able to trust, and it turned out the exact opposite. You don't agree with the way I live my life, or moving to New York, and I'm okay with that. And don't call me when she starts fucking any of your other friends.

Like I said before, I'm leaving all this shit behind me on the west coast, including our friendship.

The Tilly Cover

The Return to Normalcy

I've been back from California for about a week now. Josh has been on tour with his band since Monday and won't be back until this coming Monday. The house has been so lonely without him. Nyx and I just hang out all night after school and watch the Food Network. She has become a very cool cat, she just kind of hangs out all the time. She learned from the best!

I think the trip to San Francisco was a huge "closure" between me and California, now I have to say goodbye to Portland. I told my grandma today that we were moving and she looked really sad. This was after she told me she'd be starting chemotherapy in two weeks and will be undergoing treatment for 4 months. I hate leaving her in the middle of all this complete shit (there are no other set of words I can use to describe this current situation, I'm trying to clean up my mouth). Being in the kitchen has definately worsened my sailor mouth. Even my Chef today told us to "pay attention and don't fuck it up." All jokes aside, he rarely curses. He sings the theme to Alladin more than he curses. The food service industry is a strange, and some times very drunk/high, world. I'm excited to get a new job doing what I love, but I'm not looking forward to the hunt.

Off to a weekend of work, and cleaning for when Josh gets home!

The End of the East Coast and I

I made the trip to my Uncle Shaun and Aunt Jessica's wedding this past weekend, all the way from Portland to Tahoe alone! It was a long and tiring trip, especially with no AC in my ill equipped car. It got into the 100's for a few hours and I felt like I was on the brink of death until I poured 3 gallons of water over my head. Besides the terrible heat, I got to see my family and some other family I haven't seen since I was in diapers. I made the trek back to Pacifica earlier today and upon entering the city limits I dropped my iPod into a cup of water. It will be a very long ride home.

Being back in California makes me want to be back in Portland, where it's never too hot and I can get a wholesome meal for under 5 dollars on every corner that I'm not afraid to eat. I used to love this busy life, but as I've grown over the past year I am yearning for a life more simple and less plastic. I've spent my entire life on this coast, and I think it's definitely time for me to step out of this box. I mean, just a few years ago I was burning boxed German chocolate cupcakes in my oven, and now I'm almost finished with culinary school. The next step is to completely remove myself from anything comfortable, and the only way I can do this is by packing up, sucking back tears, and moving to the east coast. I've dreamed of it for years and now I have an opportunity. I have been warned that it lacks glamour and grace, but I'm okay with that. If you know me well enough you know that "grace" would not be within the top 1,000 in the list of adjectives describing me.

I've gone on long enough about my eagerness to reinvent my life, so for everyone who ever doubted me, for every bad grade, for everytime I embarrassed myself, for every year that I have spent feeling insecure, and for every time I doubted myself, this is me telling you to suck it. I'm leaving it all behind in the Pacific Ocean where it belongs.

The Official Move

I am moving to New York on August 24th. Due to circumstances beyond my control Josh and I are being forced to leave a little earlier than planned. As much as I am excited to see new things I am sad to leave Portland. I won't miss all the hipsters and passive aggresive behavior, though. I am ready to finish school and start my career. The best thing about working in kitchens is that it's fun and you get to do what you love while building a career. I feel like I will be constantly learning for the rest of my life if I choose to do so. There are always new recipes to try and new things for you to invent.
I'm confident that things will work out for us, no matter how shitty things are right now. I'm surprised to hear myself say it but its true
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The Messy Room

Its impossible to keep our room clean.
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The Sweat Leaf

Most of the time I am completely ashamed of a certain part of me. Not physically, but mentally. The only thing on earth that keeps me from having panic attacks and lets me sleep at night, is not at all accepted by society. I have no health insurance, and I don't want to fill my body full of pills that control my brain, so self-medicating is the only thing I've got. I wish everyone else could see and understand that this is something that cures me of my daily bouts of depression and restless stress that is not a federally regulated chemically enhanced super-drug. People spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on medication and therapy for something I can cure myself, if people just opened their own minds instead of letting others tell them what is wrong and what is right, maybe they would save a little heartache.



"I first met you, didn't realize
I cant forget you, for your surprise,
You introduced me, to my mind
And left me wanting, you and your kind

I love you, oh you know it

My life was empty forever on a down
Until you took me, showed me around
My life is free now, my life is clear
I love you leaf, though you cant hear"

-Black Sabbath Sweet Leaf

The Future

My uncle is getting married to his girlfriend of 8 years at the end of June. They have two kids and I think they really love each other. My uncle is the only person ive seen grow from child to adult, so its really weird for me to see him as a married man with children and a house when just a few years ago (or so it feels) he was kicking me out of his room and getting busted by my grandma for a mass amount of CO2 cartridges in his drawer.

Speaking of my grandma, a month or so ago she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had surgery last week. She is always depressed now, especially since we found out that the cancer has spread and she will still need chemotherapy.

I also watched Synecdoche, New York last night which has me in a weird mood about dying and the future. I have no clue where I will be 5 years from now, or even 6 months from now. I am almost afraid to live because I am so afraid of dying. My mom always tells me to think positively and enjoy my moments now, but how can I be positive about the end?
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The Overworked

I've been extremely weird lately. I've felt and acted extremely unlike me for the past week and I don't know when I'll start to be myself again.

I don't know if I'm making the right decision with school, am I cut out for this? It's so competitive and I'm so shy. Should I move to New York or should I stay in Portland? Are Josh and I going to be able to stand each other for much longer? Is my Grandma going to be alive for my Uncle's wedding?

I ask myself these stupid fucking questions all day long and I can't concentrate on anything else. I wish I could rewind to when my mom and I were still getting along so I could kill myself and never have felt all the shit that came afterwards.

The Live-In Boyfriend

Now that Josh and I officially live together, the way I saw things hopefully panning out is not the way things are working out. We are both so busy all the time that the only part of the day we get to spend together is when we're both exhausted and in desperate need of sleep. I feel like we're just living around each other. The Josh I knew a few weeks ago is not the Josh I know now, and I feel like I am different too. The things I swore I'd never do for a spouse, I'm doing, and I don't hate it. It's freaking me out. I'm folding our laundry and making our bed and cleaning our room. Some girls dream about this kind of shit, and I'm questioning it.

The Time

or the lack thereof.

Since I started school have absolutely no time to do anything besides school, work, sleep, and eat...maybe. In the last three weeks a lot of shit has gone down. Josh moved in officially on the 28th and it's been great so far. Having him around all the time makes life much less stressful. He's currently working three jobs, so he's never home except on mondays and tuesdays. He's quiting both of the part-time ones so he'll have more days off though. I'm not really home too often myself. I am at school 32 hours during the week and on the weekends I'm working. We have surprisingly found time for each other though.

Today I am battling the stomach flu virus. It's not too bad, I got to take tomorrow off of work and I'm pretty sure I lost a few pounds. Hallelujah!

The Chocolate Filigree

Look at how poorly I am doing making beautiful pictures out of cornettes
with chocolate filigree! Seriously, if those fucking cornettes were
easier to fold maybe my hands wouldn't be exhausted by the time I got to
the fun part.

The New School

Today was my 4th day in baking and pastry school. We learned how to use
the ice cream machine and we made cinnamon ice cream! It was delicious.
I've been learning a lot, expecially things I would've never figured out
on my own. There is a lot of information to remember but I memorized how
to make every drink from working at Starbucks so far so I think my
memory bank can take a beating.

The First Day of School

Today it feels as though I am back in kindergarten. I'm learning the
basics of baking, which is math. I am struggling, but I'm doing it.
Currently I'm at another lonely night of biscuit baking. Sometimes Josh
has to make things other than biscuits like pies or cornbread kits, and
waffle mix, which I am now incharge of. It's pretty easy. 24 eggs, 6
tbsp of yeast, 4 tbsp of vanilla, some amount of flour, 1 gal and 5 cups
of milk, and a ridiculous amount of melted butter.

Work tomorrow and sunday. UGH

The Chef Coat

First day of school tomorrow!

The Suit

Ain't it cute!

The Tattoo pt. 5

Scott Harrison at Atlas Tattoo kicks so much ass it's ridiculous.

The Eating Habits

I have to drink peppermint tea at 2am because I am feeling so nauseous.
I've been eating so poorly ever since we got back from California. I
haven't been eating fast food either, at all! Josh just makes food that
is fucking delicious that also happens to be horrible for me. I always
feel sick to my stomach, sometimes really light-headed, and it's getting
really annoying.

Blerg, I hate and love food.

The Insider

I've been reading "Get In the Van" by Henry Rollins about his tours/life with Black Flag. I've also read "Smile, You're Traveling" by Mr. Rollins. Just by chance, Josh and I decided to watch "The New Guy" on netflix last night and Henry was in the movie as the prison warden! I was so weird to see him in a movie because I feel like I know him on a personal level after having a glimpse into his mind with all those journals he's published. I really look up to him as a writer and as a person, he's extremely courageous and intelligent.

Getting a black flag tattoo on the 25th. I feel like the bars have just been a trendy tattoo to have at shows these days, but I legitimately love them. The lyrics, Ginn's guitar sound, Keith Morris, Henry Rollins. So many great things have come out of that band.

I've been really frustrated with people telling me what to do and judging me lately. Whether it's my mom, or Josh, or Jake, or my Grandparents. I'm getting really exhausted. You all say you love me, so why won't you just let me be happy and stubborn?

My Dearest Joshua

when I feel like I've got nothing else, I've got you.

The Missing Posts

I've been posting constantly with pictures from my phone, but apparently they aren't making it here.

Shit has been rough the last couple of days. I quit my job, i got to that breaking point and I know that I have more options than that. I would rather be poor and happy than a little less poor and miserable.

Been having weird dreams that are really vivid every single night, some good and some bad. Received my tax return of 600 dollars, Josh and I decided to blow some of it on tattoos again. His is going to be more ridiculous than mine. We're going to Scott Harrison at Atlas Tattoo again, he has done great work on both of us before, so I'm looking forward to it.

Josh's parents are visiting from New York on Monday, I'm more scared than excited.

The New Deal

Everyday I think more and more about moving to New York, part of me is super excited and the other half is hesitant. It's really far away first of all, and the second thing I'm worried about is finding a job. I won't be able to take much with me so I'll have to sell a bunch of things. It wasn't until I moved to Portland did I realize how many childlike things I still own. I'm trying to grow up, I just don't want to.

I've been looking up things about Albany and it looks like it'd be a lot of fun to live there. Come September I'll be out of school, and it seems like this would be a step forward in my life.


The news around the house is that we'll be moving into a new place way earlier than we expected, March 15th instead of April 15th. I haven't even started packing yet!

The Relationship Shit

I'm getting really sick of the whole "you're wrong, I'm always right"
bullshit, really fucking fast. I hate relationships I hate being
involved in something I can't just walk away from and forget about.
Fuck people. All people.

The Spring Dress

It can also be worn in the rain....

The California Trip

Going back home was definately weird. We got a lot of stuff done, I ate the places i wanted to eat and Josh inhaled every thing I put in front of him. I seriously doubt if he chews his food sometimes.
It was really nice to see my family and finally see my brother and sister. I'll post pictures later.

I went to OCI today to take my English/Math test and I scored high enough to pass, so that's good news. The first day of school starts on April 10th and I couldn't be more excited. I get to get up every day and do something I'm passionate about, full time! Its like starting a new chapter in my life and yet another after school is over. I am so ready to start.

The Boyfriend Road Trip

The road trip to San Francisco with Josh is scheduled to take place on Thursday, which means I have tomorrow's full day to get everything ready while he's at work. Tonight after he gets out of work at midnight we have to go to Winco, which is this great employee owned grocery store in SE Portland that is really cheap and is also open 24-Hours. The only thing I hate about shopping there is that it's always full of people unless you go at 1 in the morning. It's so cheap though! They seriously sell all the Arizona teas for less than it says on the can. I usually stock up on them there.

Here's what I've got to do tomorrow.
-Go to an appointment at 10am that will take about 3 hours
-Drive Josh to work
-Drive back to my house
-Do the rest of my laundry
-Clean my room spotless, my grandparents are having an open house the weekend I'll be gone.
-Pack my bag
-Drive to Josh's house
-Get everything in the cooler
-Get all the stuff into the car.
-Pick Josh up from work.
-Get home around 1am

We leave the next morning at 8am. What a day tomorrow will be!

The Trust Shit

Being let down by someone i trusted with everything makes me wish i never trusted anyone in the first place, even you. The worst part is that I could never, even if I tried, hate you. And you know it.

People are such piles of shit.

The Excitement

In 58 minutes there will be only 9 days left until mine and Josh's trip to California. He got some extra time off so we're staying for 4 days now instead of 2, which is spectacular considering I was going to have to show him around San Francisco in only two days. The next couple days are going to feel like slowly climbing up the first drop of a roller coaster. I can't wait to see my sister, I literally will not physically be able to handle the happiness i will feel when i see my family. It seems like it's been longer than August.

6 more days until the remodel at work followed by 3 weeks of an unpaid and much enjoyed unemployment. I am only working 4 of those days, maybe three.

I can't believe I'm bringing Josh home to meet my family. It's so weird now that I don't live with my parents or anywhere remotely close to them, they have no idea how I live now. It's not too shabby, besides being extremely poor and unappreciated by 90% of the people I come in contact with on a daily basis, I'm a happy girl.

My new plugs are so heavy that when i bend down my earlobes hit my cheek, its really disgusting, but they are pretty. A very pretty pair of opalite double flared plugs.

The Doubtful Future

My hours have been cut in half at work and I'm getting 200 dollars less each paycheck now. I don't know if I'm going to be able to go to school and it's freaking me out. I can't find another job, and I couldn't handle working another job anyways.

i hate life, blah blah.

The Sacrifices

I sacrificed a good chunk of sleep to do the girlfriend thing and go to Josh's show. I had work at 6:30 am, I was good and tired all day but it was definately worth it. He played with Soul Control, which were amazing by the way, I felt bad because Portland didn't really show them much love. There were like 10 people there by the time they played, 11 o'clock on a Tuesday doesn't really draw much of an audience in this city. I haven't really been here that long but the music scene for punk and hardcore isn't as big as I thought it was. Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places. I did see Vitamin X a few months ago and good enough crowd showed up for that, and also Have Heart, Verse, Ceremony, and Blacklisted packed a good crowd. Anyways, good night, good people, good show.

The Bubble

I think I've invaded Josh's bubble too much lately, so I'm taking a few days off from bothering him. It sucks because I want to see him but I know that in a few days it'll be worth it. It's like were practically living together, and I guess I can't handle it.


What a bummer.

The Work Ditch

Burnt out on work, took a day off to sit around and watch Weeds and
Pineapple Express. I've felt all disoriented since yesterday, I think my
brain is going out.

The Braille and the Ice Cream Sandwiches

did it.

and i also made oatmeal cookie ice cream sandwiches covered in chocolate. It's the closest thing I'm getting to an It's-it in oregon.

The End of the Longest Week

Worked 6 days in a row, almost quit, drama drama drama. I'm focusing on
this new thing where I leave work at work, it's definately working
wonders.

Josh is the greatest boyfriend in the whole world. He rubs anti-ringworm
stuff on me, helps me not be so fucking angry, and doesn't beat the shit
out of me while sleeping. Leaving work at work and behing with Josh at
home is a new feeling of whole happiness I haven't experience in a long
time.

The Burning Skin

My skin is burning for two reasons.

1. I still have ringworm that I contracted from cuddling with the kittens. See what I get for loving my animals?
2. People who turn into huge self-centered pieces of shit.

For some reason I still feel the need to hide things from you that make me who I am, regardless of your beliefs and the morals you follow. But I also feel a sense of freedom, like a fuck-you-I-do-what-I-want-with-my-own-liver-and-lungs, sense of freedom. I can't believe I let someone control me that way.

I want to get this message tattooed on me next, it says "don't panic" written in braille. No one else but me and blind people will know what it means. It's significant because my anxiety and anger is not something other people can see, but only something i can feel. I would want it someplace where I can look at it when I feel the need, like my wrist, but at this point in my life I don't think a job-stopper would be a wise decision.

The Past Few Days and The Future

Since Josh has been home things haven't gotten any easier around here. My work has fucked me in so many ways throughout the last few weeks I mentally and physically can not handle it. Having him home makes things easier but our shitty stressful jobs are keeping us apart. One of the kittens gave me ringworm, so I'm dealing with that shit now. Both of them have fleas and I don't have any money to take them to the vet.

We went to Seattle last night, Josh played a show with his band Unrestrained and it was a pretty good turn out for how tiny the venue was, and also because it was snowing cats and fucking dogs. We didn't get home until 4am, we made the mistake of not charging our phones and had my mom and grandma worried about where we were. I came home to a big blow out with my Grandpa, so I'm guessing I won't be home for a few days. I'm glad I have this option.

Josh and I have been talking about moving back to his home town in New York after I finish pastry school this coming summer, it gives us 7 or 8 months to save enough money. I want to get out of here and experience new things, I think it'll be good for me.